Last Thursday was a great day. I pulled the classic Ferris Bueller, which includes skipping work to drink beer and go to a Padres game. Afterwards we made our way to an Irish pub, had some car bombs and more drinks. We got hungry and visited the ever classy KFC, p.s. I LOVE KFC, where I proceeded to smash sweet sweet fried chicken into my fat face. Ended the night at Moondoggies 2 dollar you call it’s, of course. A great F-ing day.
For those of you that know me, know me, know I have the bladder of a 12 year old girl while drinking. So since Thursday was a heavy drinking day , I probably went to the restroom a total of 103 times, and that’s probably a modest estimate. Since I was spending so much time in the restroom it gave me opportunity to make some general observations and scientific analysis about men’s restrooms. Please enjoy.
During the 5th inning of the Padres game I went to restroom, walked up to the urinal and started doing my business as normal. Shortly after a man with a girl atop his shoulders walked up and started peeing next to me. She must have been at least 14 years old, actually I exaggerate, she was probably about 5 years old. This got me thinking at what age is it not socially “okay” to bring your daughter into the restroom? I know it’s kind of a rough spot being the “Dad” and having to take your daughter to the restroom, and really the only reason why this thought crossed my mind was because she started making comments to the extent of:
“Daddy I can see your pee pee”
Awkward.
At this point I was force to lean dangerous close to urinal just to protect my massive(ha) junk from this young and impressionable girl who was sneaking peaks from a birds eye view. For those ladies who may be unfamiliar, there exist such safe zones in which one can stand from the urinal in which he can be safe from the hazards of peeing. Hazards of peeing you ask? You have no ideas the dangers we put ourselves through on a daily bases.
This got me thinking even deeper. Well you know, for as deep as I can think.
How much could those dividers between the urinals possible cost? I mean they provide for such a better bathroom experience yet somehow in today’s world of lasers and clear Pepsi, some bathrooms STILL don’t have these 5 dollar pieces of wood between the urinals!? I just don’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I have no phobia or paranoia about peeing in front of other dudes, it’s just the fact that given the choice of urinal divider or not, I pick divider. It provides for a more comfortable pee. Some of you may think I’m being ridiculous, well I think it’s ridiculous that they spend millions of dollars making a building but can’t spend 10 dollars per restroom to provide for a better peeing experience. Absurd I say!
This is it.
This is my purpose in life.
I know why I was put on this earth. I was put here to raise awareness about and find a cure for UDD, Urinal Divider Dysfunction. Together we can fight UDD and the millions of restrooms suffering from it. UDD has been crippling social awkward pee-ers for decades. Forcing them to use the stalls, or making them pretend they have to go any more and in some cases holding in pee until there bladder explodes and they die a terrible terrible urine death. NO MORE I say, no more. Today starts my campaign:
“In Divider We trust”
A divider for every bathroom!
But I digress.
Moral of the story is, if you build a fucking building put in urinal dividers. Please.
Later in the night I made my way to happiest place on earth, yeah that’s right, Moondoggies. Thursday nights is best night to be alive. Two dollar you call it’s, plus good friends equals a greeeeat night. While standing in line, for what seemed to be hours, I made some obvious observations about several of the idiots pee-ing. No I wasn’t standing there with pencil and paper watching dudes pee, though that is funny to think about and would have surely gotten me uppercutted, I was just casually drunk swaying thinking about the different type of urinal users.
There’s more, but I’m lazy.
Hopefully I captured the men’s restroom for all its glory.Not sure if women will find this comical, hopefully the guys can relate?
Let me know thoughts, feelings, concerns.
1. the link from the “Rants” page to this blog goes back to the “Internet Popularity” entry, and the joy from this piece of work needs to be spread as much as possible
2. as an engineer, I promise to design only bathrooms with dividers