Online dating shenanigans continue. I’m 2 months away from Dr. Phil confirming the fact that I am incapable of finding “someone special” in the first 6 months of my match.com experience. What a dick. At least I’ll get 6 more embarrassing months for free? Fml. Fuck my “someone special”, I would settle for just a date at this point. I haven’t even been on one date, NOT ONE, in the last 4 months of paying 24.99 per month. Really? Apparently I’m Shrek. That’s fine. I mean I don’t pretend to be Johnny Handsom-pants, in fact I know I’m not. That’s why I’ve had to developed my other “attractiveness” characteristics. Like being funny….. and a ninja. Girls still find these attractive, right?
I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free online dating website, don’t worry, I haven’t been on any dates from there either. Maybe I’m just a bad online dater? Below is a hilarious example of an actual email chain I had with a girl from okcupid.com. It’s not typical of my communications of online dating, but I’m glad I did it.
Scenario:
I do my browsing (creep sweeps) of profiles of girls that meet my “match”, I do a quick visual analysis of the profile picture and from there I make the decision of whether or not I’m going to continue and open up her profile. If you’re thinking to yourself “that’s pretty shallow Steven…”, fuck your couch. You’d be lying if you thought physical attractiveness wasn’t initially important. No one says from across the bar “Man, that guy looks funny, I’m going to go talk to him”. No one.
Anyways, I do my shallow Hal analysis and then proceed to her profile. Below is a said example, girl is super hotness in thumbnail sized pic, so I proceed to her profile.
Below is a snap shot of the first part of her profile.
I blurred some of the words to make her look more like a jerk than she actually is. It helps me build a case empathy of my feelings towards her, stay with me. My analysis of her profile is she comes off as “tool cool for school”, if people even still say that. She’s attractive and is doing online dating, so she pretty much holds all the cards, unfortunately. She can be a jerk and still get guys winking at her. She must get a million emails from tool bags, starting with the words “Hey Sexy”, so I can understand her defensiveness of online dating tools.
I’m realistic, I realize my chances are probably about a 3 percent chance she’ll respond to any email I send, so I shoot her a short, concise, non serious, half joking, not expecting a response, email.
Yep. That just happened. Ha! I’m not sure what got into me. I’m never a jerk on online dating, not even when I get the “please stop winking at me” automated emails from match.com
Maybe I was just so surprised she responded? I mean she pretty much set herself up for that old “hope you get hit by a bus” gag. Needless to say we didn’t fall in love.
That’s how not to get a date from online dating.
Also it looks like according to the little voting thing I have on the left hand side of this blog that people want me to write about Craig’s list? Is this true? I have a couple hundred “hits” a day, but only 27 votes. Let me know what you jerks want. kisses.
So I don’t know about Match, but I have experience on OKC and I can say that Woos are a pathetic way to demonstrate interest. It’s kind of like driving by a girl who’s walking along the street and yelling out “hey baby! Woo!” Maybe you do that, but how many dates has it gotten you? (or anyone for that matter?) It has also been my experience that a guy who selects some interest of mine and is able to engage me in intelligent discourse has a muuuuuch better chance than a tool who says “hey your hot” (wrong spelling, of course). Being overly sarcastic outright can be hard to interpret and off-putting. Start by being nice and then ease in the humor! (Remember: you probably don’t want to let girls know who you “really” are until close to marriage).
Or, don’t take my advice and keep blogging. It’s hilarious!
“I hope you get hit by a bus. Just saying…” — Way too freaken hilarious!
I agree with Jess G. Being nice (and witty while doing so) at least lends to curiosity to learn more sometimes. Then you can really blow her away with your humor. And yes, humor is still a very commonly liked trait!! So don’t lose sight of it.
I’ve done the Craigslist thing and was actually successful finding someone that I’m head over heels about and still dating after 10 months (so there! Girls DO date guys on CL, or maybe I’m just the only one?). Best part of all, it was free! Not saying it works for everyone, but you never know what gem you’ll find among the junk. Good luck!
You should have noticed that she’s been a member since May 5, 2005 and raised a red flag right there. Almost four years and no success, apparently there are no single men in San Diego willing to put up with her for long periods of time. On the other hand, I would like to read her blog. I imagine it is packed with short idiotic sentances like: “I mostly check this from my phone” and “Don’t expect a prompt reply.” Who uses the word prompt in a dating ad anyways? (second red flag) Even though she has placed you within the “tool” category, I’m sure that pretty much all of her previous boyfriends have been tools, so you may still have a shot. After the bus comment: maybe not so much.
-Also Awesome, but not a tool.
why are you trying to date a girl with my name?
give me your okcupid password and i will get you a date. scout’s honor.
Ok, just my $0.02, but I definitely suggest answering more questions and filling out your profile as fully as you can; the more someone knows about you from reading your profile, the more likely they are to see you as an interesting person…
And yes, be nice!
(I agree that it’s more ha-larious when you aren’t though)
1) If anyone has taught me anything about blogging… you have taught me to whore it out like it is my job, so you can’t fault her for that.
2) This was hilar
3) my fav part was when you said to get hit by a bus!
Hearts, empenadas, glitter.
Mer
Haha wow. Thanks for trying to destroy me via the internet. Also, the fact that you blurred out everything that makes it very clear my entire profile is composed of absolute sarcasm is much appreciated. You can be witty but I can’t? Sigh… the things you learn from online dating (reads: picture stalking & small talking).
Always a pleasure to hear from you. Even if you are trying to ruin the integrity of my interwebs presence.
I give you credit for telling her that you hope she gets hit by a bus. I would have given her the whole “Butter face” thing.
Everything looks good but your face…. Kind of doesn’t work.
Whatever.
Good going. NO FAIL!
“It’s actually pretty funny, you know, for a girl.” Massive failure right there, sir. I hope you’re not serious.
really? You actually think I’m serious when I said this comment? It’s like you haven’t a single sarcastic word I’ve said. See above for details. Or below. Or any page in this blog dripping with sarcasm,sexism, and racism .
Sarcasm is extremely difficult to convey on the Internet, and, hey, I haven’t read any other post in your blog. Good luck with all that, though…
Okay… that was brilliant. What a snide little self-important skank! She’s been on that site since May of 2005; so that speaks volumes in and of itself. She’s not plain or unattractive… makes you think.
WHO whores their blog out, indeed?
http://www.yelp.com/topic/san-diego-pb-millionaire
I mean, one would have to be just desperate for attention to do something like that.
I vote for not dating anyone under the age of 25. I apologize to the under 25 females that I offend but man retardation doesn’t go away until at least 27 and girl retardation doesn’t start to go away until at least 25. In general. Yes…:-)
After your previous tiff with the pb millionaire I thought you’d find the following conversation with my roommate hilarious. She told me he’s not a millionaire but that he just rents the house in PB, and owns a house in La Jolla. I didn’t know how to respond to that as she’s actually gone to his parties before