year

2010. The Year of the Tiger. And Single Steve?

Prepare yourself, this is kind of a long one (That’s what she said)

 

 

 

A new year a new blog! Actually this is the second blog I’ve written this year, the first one being part 3 of the PB Millionaire series. But I had a change of heart…..for the moment, I’m giving him the opportunity to shape up.  Basically, I offered my free services to him to help him be less of douche. If he doesn’t respond to my email, I’m going to continue to blast him for the outstanding douche he probably is. I’ll keep you posted….

 

 

 

 

But let’s get back to the year two thousand fucking ten. First of all,  how epic does that sound? 2010!? I know right. I don’t know about you, but when I was like 15, the year 2010 seemed like a million years away (or at least more than 11 years away). I thought for sure by then I would be a millionaire, married, with at least 2 kids, living on the moon.

 

Can we pause for a second and talk about how fucking cute was I when I was kid? What happened to me? Somehow I grew up into a nerdy Mexican. Interesting how science and puberty works, but that’s not here nor there. I also don’t know why I used to dream of having 2 little Asian kids. I’m glad that phase passed.

So it’s the year 2010 and I’m not a millionaire, I can’t get a date to save my life, I have no kids (that I know of….), and I live in the gay district in San Diego (which is almost like living on the moon).  Though I’m not upset at my current life situation. Not at all. In fact, if I could travel back in time, I would probably go back in time and beat myself up, or at least get one of the bully kids to beat me up more.  When your 15, you have no idea about the world, you set these unrealistic goals, and then get upset when you don’t meet these goals and you’re not living on the moon married to Kelly Kapowski.

I’m 26 and living the good life. I wouldn’t change a thing. Well, if I could, I’d like to be taller, and be a millionaire…..and live on the moon…..and be married to Kelly Kapowski, but other than that, I wouldn’t change a thing about my life.

Now that it’s actually the year 2010, I think I’m old enough to know enough about life to actually make more accurate predictions. Right? Maybe not, but this is why I’m thinking this is The Year of Single Steve

Why is the year of Single Steve you ask? Stop asking stupid questions. I’m mostly just being optimistic for the upcoming year, but why not. It’s the year 2010, it sounds epic, so why not have an epic year?

Let’s start with New Years Resolutions.

Actually I think this might be the missing link to why I’m single. I’ve had dozens of friends scourer over my online profile, and come back with the same conclusion,  “Well you sound okay on paper”, which I think is mostly true. I mean I have a job, I’m not a jerk, and sometimes I’m funny, I should be hooking up with online chicks all the time right? No one can figure it out. I’ve figured it out. You guys are pussies (excuse my language ladies). But it’s true. No one can actually just tell me I’m chubby. Say it. Say “Steven, I think if you lost 15 pounds, THEN you would be getting dates like it’s your job”. So I’m hoping THIS is the X factor. If not, I can always go back drinking ranch like that’s my job.

This comic pretty much nails it on the head.

 

So basically I really need to stop doing THAT. Which kind of sucks because my whole philosophy on girls that I date is that they must be friends first. I think that’s important because I feel like really epic relationships are friendships more than relationships. If that makes sense. I’m not trying to get all romantical up on you, but I feel like one day I’m going to marry my best friend. I feel like the underlying friendship is what makes a long lasting forever type of relationship. I mean friendships are fun, and so should a relationship be. Okay, okay, stop puking on your keyboard. I’m sorry I tried to get all deep on you for like half a second. You’re such a fucking baby. Onto number 3.

I also would like to write blogs more frequently. I know I always say that, but this time I mean it? In other exciting news, the facebook fan page has over 500 “fans”. What ever that means. I guess the 17 times a charm for me harassing my friends to join the page. Feel free to invite your attractive friends! I guess you can also invite unattractive friends too.
Click here to join!

I bet you are all wondering who my midnight kiss was….

So I posted this on my facebook fan page. As a joke. Mostly.

And Kevin responded about a minute later calling dibs, unfortunately he wasn’t around when the clock struck zero. But you know who was…

That’s right. Nacho Fucking Cheese. Nacho Cheese will never leave me. So yeah, I didn’t get the cliché midnight kiss, which I don’t actually care about anyways. Well I mean, I say that now, now that I didn’t have one. I did New Years at a chill house party in PB. It was just a small group of friends, drinking, playing cranium, just what we wanted. And they had really good cheese dip, so it was a good night all in all. Which was fun, even though I was sober sally. I know right. I only had 2 beers the whole night. That sounds unpossible, but it’s true.

An interesting turn of events is unfolding as we speak….. I mentioned before I had already written a blog about the PB millionaire and kind of had a change of heart about posting it just yet…. I actually sent the PB millionaire an email here is a portion and the gist of it:

“……………From my outside perspective….it looks like he is this arrogant older guy who parties with girls half his age, who sometimes does “good” for the community. Sometimes. He doesn’t appear to be a good public speaker, dynamic, or interesting enough to have his own reality show. Whether these things are true or not, I don’t know. But based on the information I have access to, this is how he is probably seen. If you google PB millionaire, there is more negative then positive about him out there.

The branding of the PB Reality show has to be able to with stand criticism from internet media and bloggers like myself. Right now he’s easy target.

I want to help. I think I can help with your branding, social media and web content so that the PB Reality show actually comes off as something people would be interested in…….

Basically I want to help him. I think he’s trying to be a good person? Maybe? But just sucks at it, or just sucks at publically displaying it.

I got an email back from him and his angels today…

I’m not to going to give full details yet because I’m not sure I can/should. But basically… they’re weary that I’m actually there to help, they mention something about lawyers, and I think they even called me a jerk at some point.

“There MIGHT be a possibility of getting your advice in the future, but until all the slanderous, hateful blogs written about Jim and his staff are removed from the internet, we will not even consider communicating with you further.”

It’s kind of catch 22. I’m not going to take down any blogs until he changes his public perception, and they’re not going to let me help him with his public perception until I take down the blogs.

What to do….what to do….

Either way, I’m not concerned about being sued or anything. At best my blogs are editorials opinions based on information HE has posted in the public domain. It would be like if I wrote a bad movie review for Avatar, would Avatar be able to sue me? Or if I wrote Tiger Woods is a jerk for cheating on his wife, could he sue me? Erroneous!
This link makes me feel safer:
http://thedirty.com/contact-us/

I’m genuinely trying to help this guy, but he’s trying to make it difficult. I’ll keep you posted and updated.
Happy New Year!

Comment. It makes me happy.

 

 



Comments
  • Bennett January 7, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Well done, well done. And there’s nothing that the Douchenaire can do to you, legally…it’s time for part 3. And besides, I saw him at the store last week with one of his $15/hour chicks – believe me, it’s hopeless…you can’t turn him into anything that you’d want to be associated with. Write away!

  • Andrew Elliott January 7, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    If you need help setting up your own WP stuff let me know. I just transferred mine over to my own domain rather recently. Keep the good times rolling.

  • Logan January 7, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    I hope you and the nacho cheese haven’t made it into the “friend zone,” I think you’ve got a real chance at that working out for you. Please don’t help the PBM, he’ll only suck you into his world of douchieness. There is no hope for him, you can not teach an old dog new tricks. You should focus on the Jersey Shore guys, they are still young and they have plenty of years ahead of them. Unless of course they get skin cancer from the two-a-day tanning bed sessions.

  • Elissa January 8, 2010 at 3:14 am

    You know i think any girl could have told you the friend first thing doesn’t work (it doesn’t work in reverse either, if it makes you feel better). Guys have a window of opportunity to ask me out- its about 2 months. After 2 months, if he hasn’t asked me out i assume He just isn’t that into me and move on with my life. Also you’re weight matters less than your confidence. My ex was a good 250 pounds and looked like he should have played football (he didn’t), but he was confident as hell and he got me (and I’m hot).

    Good luck!

  • Dan January 8, 2010 at 4:24 am

    if you can actually help the PBM’s image and make him not look like a douche you should quit your job and do PR full time because that would be some sort of miracle job.

  • Kimberly January 8, 2010 at 5:15 am

    Steve. I need to pay you for making me laugh so hard. Really, I feel as though I owe you something for the time you’ve spent working hard which has resulted in the brightening of my day and lifting of my spirits. Keep the blogs coming!

    As far as the PB Millionaire goes (PBM for short), if you can save the blogs that you have written about him — do it, back them up and erase them from the public domain. I think it is AWESOME that you want to help the PB Millionaire with his image. Just make some stipulations to removing the blogs.
    Someone with a bad wardrobe may not realize they need a make-over unless people point it out. That sounds harsh but we don’t all have Grandma’s/Mom’s who are fashion mavens and or an innate sense of style. Usually people who feel they are lacking in the fashion dept. seek help, or grow into their style eventually. However, I don’t see the PBM growing into an awesome personality without assistance. I wonder if he even realizes that he needs an image makeover. Due to the fact that he has yes-women “working” for him, I’d say he has no practical gauges of a) charismatic behavior, and b) behavior that is of any redeeming quality whatsoever. He may have some business acumen, but people skills? It is not rocket science to become well liked, you *Steve* do both (in regards to the rocket science, I’ll say engineering is close enough).
    I am not saying you must be a person with good character to be well liked and adored by many (i.e. Brittany Spears *Someone that I do not hate, but who is an example of someone with less than exemplary behavior*), I am just saying that if you have those qualities of altruism innately, it makes it hard for most people not to like you (i.e. Mother Theresa, Single Steve). So since he has (most likely) nothing but boobs working for him, I am in support of him hiring you to become his personal life coach/image manager under two conditions:

    1) If he tells you what he thinks of what you wrote in the blogs…
    a) Can he handle your *constructive* criticism and
    b) What does he plan to do about what his actions seem to show of him as a human being

    2) That you will remove the blogs if he seriously develops a noble cause somewhere in the mix of what I perceive as his main goals of being a celebrity (in the same vein as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian), of being around “hot” women, and of “partying” with people

    If you emphasize your role as a person with community service experience who would like to see the PB Millionaire do good with his time, affluence and (semi) influence I think you can convince him and his “team” to work with you. Why not start a PBM non-profit?

    The PB Millionaire is a tough case. I suppose you could do damage control for the goals as I perceive them to be of the current PBM, however is there any way we can wake him up to the idea of becoming a person who’s life doesn’t need the PR help because his goals are philanthropic instead of self-gratifying? If he does this, though he may be awkward, he may be less disgusting to watch.

    Keep us updated Steve!

  • Kimberly January 8, 2010 at 5:41 am

    In regards to Logan’s comment, that was hilarious.

    In regards to Elissa’s comment: I would point out she said he resembled a football player. Steve, I disagree with her. Confidence is important, and I say this because I care enough to tell it to you straight — has anyone ever confused you for a linebacker? I am just saying. The husky thing works on some guys, not everyone. Not because of confidence but because of stature and build. Sexiness is subjective I suppose but here is a video about attractiveness that makes some good points

    I can kind of see how the linebacker thing is attractive on SOME guys, however not all women/hot women like the linebacker type. However, if you ask the majority of women/hot women if a fit body/abs are sexy they would say yes. Exercise is GOOD for you, releases endorphins, and if you have abs of steel and or awesome arms, I am pretty sure you will have no trouble finding a date/suitable women to mate/fall in love with. Furthermore, working out will give you confidence because you will feel sexier and that is attractive in and of itself. It is a win-win if you work out. You have an awesome smile, are hilarious, seem to be hard working and kindhearted, so if you amp up the sexiness you will have NO TROUBLE finding attractive women to have a friendship/relationship/eventually family with.

    The best relationships do begin with friendships, however you need the spark which comes from physical attraction as well. If you can get that going to where you know you look good, along with the confidence and courage to go after the women you want, you will have more opportunities to find the woman of your dreams :)

  • Ally Oop January 8, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    I’m pretty sure you should regularly go to the gym…it could result in some stimulating hilarity.

  • Jess January 8, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Dude, get to the gym. There are also women there, so it’s like killing 2 birds with one stone. Girls want a guy who looks good, no matter what we say. So give it a shot – it can’t hurt your chances, just your muscles. Beauty is pain… beauty will get you laid… so pain will get you laid. Write that down.

    And like I told you in Tucson, you should aim to simply get laid. Stop trying to be friends with everyone… you clearly need the practice of disconnecting your friendliness from your dating objectives. Just like you have your real personality and your blogger personality, try to be the confident, sexy Steven that all the girls want to be seduced by… and leave the geeky, single, friend-zone Stevie at home. Just practice and see what happens – you probably aren’t going to get less laid, right?

    And I still love your blog. You’re a funny motherfucker.
    Jess (kindergarten genius extraordinaire)

  • Hanna January 8, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    Hey Steve! If it’s any help, I’ve never been able to successfully transition a “friend” type to a “romantic” type. What worked for me long term was dating a guy I’d never met or heard of before, getting to know him under the pretext of “dating”, and developing a deep friendship from that. It’s different, but he’s my best friend AND my partner now, and they both developed together instead of one before the other. You’ve had successful relationships before, so I guess it can work either way and everybody is different. Just my two cents. Good luck! Oh yeah, ditch the helping of PB Mill. Waste of time!

  • JP January 10, 2010 at 8:19 am

    1) steve, i never thought of you as a chubbers, but then again, i dont pay attention to dudes bodies, so that could be it. but if you wanna do GTL days, im down. (if you dont know what gtl is, watch jersey shore)

    2) as for Jess’s comment, she is half right. shes says the gym is a 2 birds in one stone… maybe it might be true for her, but 9 out of 10 girls who go to the gym dont go to get hit on, maybe shes one who goes for attention and what not, but those arent the girls you are looking for anyways. girls go to workout because they dont feel confident with themselves and want to make themselves better. they go there wearing shit clothes, no makeup and try to better themselves just like dudes go for. sure you might find a good girl every now and them at the gym who is worth it, but more or less, you should stay away from them. her second half is completely true though, you dont have a friendship and turn it into a relationship, its too hard to do that. you take a relationship and turn it into a great friendship. i know she used different words, but you go out, meet some people, have fun, hook up with a broad, and make something out of that. its a hell of a lot easier that way.

  • Callie January 10, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    Hi Steve – I’m a first time reader of your blog, and also a fellow single twentysomething who can TOTALLY relate to your stories. You are hilarious. The nacho cheese new years kiss basically made me pee my pants. Classic. Please keep us all updated – I’m rooting for you!

  • C-Ham January 10, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    Dude I told you like three years ago you can’t do the Friend into Girlfriend thing.Girls need to know that they are wanted, you have to make your intentions clear almost immediately.

    Oh and I vote try to help the PBM dude. He needs it badly, he’s a cosmic schmuck. You know the kind of guy that the whole of creation is a little worse off for having.

  • Brandi Shae January 15, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Christ I bitch about my gym membership…I paid $138 for three months and a class and I go 3 times a week! $160.00 for one gym visit is outrageous Steve. Get yo ass in the gym. I don’t think your chubby but damn, that’s a big ol waste of money. Becoming strong simply can’t hurt. AND also, I’m always checkin everybody out at the gym, ever fancied picking up a date there?

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