So I was thinking, remember when I said I was giving up on online dating in my last blog? No? You don’t? Because you didn’t read my blog? Because I didn’t put profanities in the title? Well that’s why I put Penis Penis Penis in this one’s title. Yeah, I can tell you didn’t read it. Thank you google analytics. Anyways, I’m not here to yell at you for being a bad reader, I’m here to tell you, I am quiting online dating, but I think I’m going to go out in a ball of glorious, hilarious flames.
I had one of those “You can’t fire me, I quit moments”. So as I’m sure you’re all aware of, online dating hasn’t really worked out for me, and by hasn’t really worked out for me I mean it’s probably been the worst thing ever. See www.FuckEharmony.com for details. I did the math it turns out I’ve spent over 1100 dollars on just online dating subscription fees in the last 4 years. I don’t care about the money, it’s the intangibles of time, stress and grief that online dating has caused me. Anyways, instead of just doing the mature thing, and walking away, I’ve decided to get a little ridiculous with it before I go.
So my plan is to just start sending out messages to ladies on these dating websites with the whackiest , zaniest, awkwardiest, randomist, messages WE can possible think of. So hear me out, so far, to this point Real Life Steve has been doing all of the online dating. When Real Life Steve sends out thoughtful, interesting, personalized messages to girls on these sites his response rate is about 5 percent. Literally, about 1 in 20 girls I message will message me back. And I’m probably rounding up, just so I don’t sound as pathetic. It’s actually probably a lot lower of a return percentage of emails. But I figure, I can’t do any worse right? I can’t go on any less dates, so why not send the most ridiculous messages just to see if I get a response? Here is an example of a message I sent tonight:
Not sure what I would say back if they respond, but I guess we’ll get to that bridge when it comes. So here’s what I need from you. I need clever, witty, funny, random, hilarious, messages to send to girls. Did you hear me. I need YOUR messages. Please leave them as comments. I will pick the best ones, and send them out. Let’s do it.
You’re probably thinking “That’s absolutely horrible Steven, some people on that site are actually looking for their soul mate and true love. You’re making fun and games of it, just for material in your blog? You sir have a hit a new low”. SHUT UP. Shut up, shut up. I mean, thank you for the concern. I definitely took that into consideration. But then I also took into consideration I’m SO OVER online dating that what’s the worst thing that happens? Someone responds? At the very least some girl somewhere in San Diego got some random message from a guy they weren’t going to talk to anyways, that probably made her laugh?
So the next blog will be your best messages sent out? And any reactions? Will Single Steve get kicked off yet another online dating website? Stay tuned.
“I’m hung like a horse and rich as fuck. Email me.”
Classy
You should just put what you really want…
Dear hot chick,
I would like to take you to out dinner and feed you lots of alcohol so we can go back to my place and bang. How’s Tuesday work for you?
Love, Steven
Thank you so much for your thoughtful message. I do appreciate the amount of time and energy you put into it. However, I have decided to focus on an incredible relationship I found here.
Good luck!
*******************
I’ve got a few more up my sleeves
Hello potential mate:
My name is Steven, and I am a lonely engineer who would like to see who you are and based on the findings of the upcoming dates possibly bang you. My favorite color is green, please dress accordingly. I know you probably have many questions, but let’s allow love to find the answers. For now, let’s be friends, as I find myself most at home in the friend zone. As I have previously stated, I am an engineer, so please do not bring any confusing girl code or emotions on our dates as I will likely be confused by your complex social agenda and deem any future dates unfit for my personality, as well completely pointless.
P.S. I’m AIDS and HIV free, but not a virgin. What about you?
Haha don’t forget your Set For Marriage account, I promise I won’t ban you unless you start posting goatse links or something
How about this actual message received by a friend on plenty of fish:
ur 27? lol
Dear Madam,
Through my journeys I have grown to become a bit of a Renaissance Man, but the one thing missing is the love of a good woman. With that, I have chosen to woo you with a poem:
Noah built arks
In China Great Walls
When we fool around drunk
Don’t neglect my balls
Adieu,
Steven
hellos alison. I am armenia man. am look for long distanes penpals and possilbe loan of some small money to visit america..
what do you thinking? I can pay back as I get a job. also needing place to crash wile look for job. are you having extra couch?
with sinsere,
mlepa
(This one was to a girl who said something about looking for a guy she could trust. She doesn’t live anywhere near San Diego.)
—
Well you can trust me, of course!
I mean just look at me. Am I not the very image of trustworthiness? Oh, hang on, that reminds me. Do you think I could borrow five bucks? I can get it back to you Tuesday. Well, I can get you $3.45 on Tuesday, then the rest maybe next Friday. Actually, I know this guy who has a box of kittens he’s selling in front of the Safeway for 35 cents each, but the thing is the lady cat belongs to my ex girlfriend’s brother. So, in short, I stand to make 15 to 25 cents a kitten. (We’re still negotiating about that. There are some issue there because I bought some pot off him last year and haven’t exactly paid him back. Well, I feel that I have, but he claims that a Jimi Hendrix album doesn’t really constitute payment. I mean, Hello? Electric Ladyland? Are you kidding me?)
Anyway, the point is, if you can spare a fiver I believe at the very least you’ll learn a valuable lesson about trust, and knowledge, they say, is priceless.
Hello!
I’m kind of new to online dating, so I’m not exactly sure how these intros are supposed to go, but will you be my girlfriend? I’ve never had one before, so I really hope you say yes.
Steven
Hi Jenny. After looking at your photos and reading your profile carefully I feel like we’ve become really close. Actually we are really close. Look out your window. See? I’m the bearded guy carrying a large duffel bag.
(The street sign in the background of that one photo really helped, and also I could make out the license plate on your green 1998 Civic.)
Steve
My roommate came in the room while I was looking at your profile and told me that if I didn’t message you, she would. Now, she’s straight, so that’s probably an empty threat, but she does have an eye for beauty, so I’m totally going to trust my mom’s judgement on this one.
One simple phrase:
I want to be on you.
Love,
Steven
I REALLY hope one of these ridiculous emails ends up on my blog someday soon.
I was looking at your profile and I was just thinking how chill it would be if I was a Velociraptor. We should totally hang out.
Sincerely,
Steven
Dear Miss Lady,
Chuck Norris + Hot Girl + Velociraptor.
Think about it.
Love always,
Steve
Sup, girl. You all gotta be hangin’ with me and shit. We’ll play xbox and then eat yogurt. Know what I mean?
YOGURT.
You be my motorcycle and I’ll be your dinosaur. Bring your A game. Like Mighty Ducks meets Voltron meets Samuel L. Jackson. Jell-o wrestling. It’s the new ice breaker.
Date me.
Love, Dirt McBoner
They should rearrange the alphabet to put U and I behind the letter D. Let’s get fucked up and destroy your dad’s Lexus. I’m comin’ at ya like a horny bag of dynamite.
Cheap love and hot thrills,
$teve
Hey, so what brings you to okcupid? I’m newly single, as I recently dumped my last girlfriend for setting one of my cats on fire. I’m a nice guy, so I put up with her unemployment and heroin addition, but nobody messes with my 13 cats. I thought she was the “one”, but now I’m looking to move on. Anyways, do you like cats?
Steven
From your picture here I think you might like comic books, so I am sure you’ll want to know the answer to this question. What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?
The Answer: My Zipper
Ready to be unleashed,
Steven
Hello beautiful creature,
i’ve been staring at your profile and have been working on this message for 6.5 hours now cuz i want it to be perfect (i dont think i could take one more rejection…seriously). I want to say everything that comes to mind when i see your picture…phew okay, here it goes…Ketchup, Mr. Miyagi, and testicles….that is all. I have a really good feeling about this one!
xoxoxo,
Super Steve
@ Nick (first comment)…not funny dude. you shoulda said something like this instead:
“I’m hung like a horse and rich as hell…..SIKE!!! its average and i’m solid lower-middle class….but i feel a mediocere promotion (and erection) coming soon. email me.”
Dear Lovely Lady,
I will get to the point, no need for a dinner and all that hoopla.
I am only seeking you out to form my harem. I would like a girl for every day of the week – currently I have Thursday and Saturday left – which day would you like to be?
If you are into BDSM, that is fine to, because Tuesday likes to get kinky too.
Let me know what you think so we can get started. I assure you I am safe and use protection. I do need a piece of paper from your doctor advising me you are STD free.
Thanks
Steve
Dear ,
As you can clearly see in this article: http://www.sandiego.com/news/asteroid-apophis-could-hit-earth-in-2036, in 2036 the Earth will be hit by the asteroid Apophis. I intend to build an asteroid bunker to survive the coming cataclysm. I started digging last night. I’ve made significant progress and already bought a lot of supplies, but I need a female companion to repopulate the human race after our guaranteed extinction. We’re going out the way of the dinosaurs baby. I don’t know about you, but I love velociraptors and am not going to die like one. You shouldn’t either. Luckily I’ve chosen you to be my mate and survive the apocalypse with me. This is a once in a lifetime chance and you should reply quickly as time is running out!
-Steve
“Dear Someone, I am a scientist, and I require an experimental test subject. You must not be a hamster, a roadrunner, or Wile E. Coyote. Cartoonists may be acceptable, provided they do not have curly hair on the soles of their feet. Straight hair might be acceptable.
Please send a picture, with as little clothing as possible, as the inclusion of a digital representation of photographic data and the spectra generally reflected by human skin will help to stabilize the carefully constructed wormhole that allows me to interact with your planet. I know the physics of this sound impossible, so please do not ask me to explain.”
God, that’s… I may try that myself. XD