Dear Diary,
Let’s talk about sex. No not really because that’s awkward. Especially since lots of my family, friends and co-workers read this blog. And if they are, I don’t have sex, hi mom, I’m saving myself for eight pound 6 ounce baby Jesus. Which actually sounds creepy when I type it out loud, that I’m waiting for this 8 pound 6 ounces of baby Jesus to give me permission to have sex again, I mean, have sex for the first time. Can babies even talk? I mean sure, it is Jesus, but still. There was that one movie “Look who’s talking”, which growing up I probably saw at least 37 times. Remind me to watch it again to see if it’s still as awesome I remember.
Anyways. I haven’t been struck by lightning yet, so I guess I can continue this blog.
We’ll start with my last date. My last date was not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven months ago. Seven. That’s like 210 days. And by date, I mean the girl that was the worst kisser ever date. If you would recall
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“I tell her, if I have another bottle of wine, I will be unable to drive her home…..with the assumption we would both just go back to my place blocks away….she says yes, lets get another bottle of wine. Dear Diary. So we finish the 3rd bottle of wine, at this point we were both versnickered obviously. We are actually in such poor shape, I insist we take a taxi for the 4 blocks back to my place, as opposed to the 30 minute epic walk it was sure to going to be at that point. We get back to my place…..I’m pretty excited at this point, like the first time I heard the Beatles type of thing, so we start kissing, well what she considered to be kissing. She was the worst kisser I’ve kissed since 8th grade, no not you Hillary Volsteadt. It was the worst thing ever, it was terrible, absolutely the worst. It’s hard to explain, but imagine if someone were to just hold their mouth slightly open with no lip movements, with their tongue slightly out. Yeah, I would later compare it to kissing a corpse to my friends. Kissing someone who doesn’t move anything is awkward. And then when she did “use” her tongue, she jabbed it out like a lizard and just kept it out, like she was trying to touch her nose? It was a complete turn off. I went from thinking it was going to be boom boom time, to thinking I’ll never be able to get an erection again.”[/box]
Yeah, that date. I have not been on a date since then. Apparently? I was really trying hard to think back in the last half year because I refuse to believe that to be true. But, according to my calculations, and the online diary I keep at www.SingleSteve.com , it is ridiculously true. I did go on a really good date like activity for my company holiday party in December, you know the one where it ended with me drunk at her door step and I told her “I’m impressed with everything you do”, but I didn’t count it because unfortunately that was more of two awesome people just having an awesome time, apparently. Also we didn’t make out, had we made out, I probably would have considered it a date. This blog was partial inspired by the my lack of dates, and date envy of @CaliBradShaw. She went on an awkward first date tonight, but also replied she hopes her date tomorrow goes better. Two dates in two days!? So at that rate she will go on that 365 dates per year. And at my current rate I’ll go on 1.714 dates per year. She’s going on 212.95 times more dates than me per year. Obviously I exaggerate, and there’s no way she’ll go on 365 dates this year, I mean she’ll probably only go on 200 dates if she’s lucky. Anyways, her talking about her dates got me thinking about my current dry spell dilemma. Well not so much as a dilemma, as it is a crisis. Well not so much a crisis, as is the hilarious and embarrassing story that is my life.
Can I also just tell you, I hate dating. I do. With the passions of a thousand suns. I hate the whole early part of getting to know you, awkwardness stage. I just want to jump to the comfortable 1 month in, fun and exciting stage, where it’s probably not even called dating any more, it’s more of a “relationship”. You know the stage where it’s like we’re bored so I invite you over and we’ll cook dinner and watch a movie at my house. If I offer that same thing to a girl I’m just starting to date, she’s probably going to think I’m a creep who wants to lure her back to my house so I can harvest her organs. I hate dating. Not that I do it, but in theory, I hate the whole process. This is why I like my date my friends you already know approach. Anyways, you have eh dee dee, focus.
Another fun fact: I haven’t kissed a girl….sober….in even LONGER than that. Yep. Did your head just imploded? Can you at least pretend to be shocked. I am? I mean, in principle, I’m shocked. I mean I should be shocked, right? I feel like I’m very kissable, or at least mildly kissable. Or let’s just agree that I’m not a troll. Yeah, let’s just start with I’m not a troll. So it’s true, I’ve kissed girls in the past 9 months, but all the girls I may or may not have made out with may have been under the influence of alcohol. A lot of it. So that’s why I don’t “really” count it. It’s just that when you make out with a girl sober, it’s got a WAY different value, then let’s say making out with a drunk girl that doesn’t know her name. Don’t get me wrong I love me a drunk make out, love it, but the real test is, would you kiss her sober and would she pretend to know you when she’s sober. That’s the real test. Keep it classy San Diego.
Again, I’m not talking about sex. It’s awkward and TMI. And I mostly just titled the blog that to get your attention and get you to click on the link. But let’s just say it’s been so long, that medically speaking, I might be a virgin again. I mean for the first time, again. You know what I mean. Sorry Mom. Anyways sex is sex is sex. This blog isn’t about sex. That’s not even what I miss most about being in a relationship, what I miss most is someone to share funny, awkward, epic, inside jokes, awesome, memories with. I’m not trying to be 30 by the time I finally start sharing memories with someone I care about. I’m not saying I’m trying to get married tomorrow, but you’re never too young to start sharing adventures. I know a lot of you are going to say “You have plenty of time, guys can wait until late 30’s before they get married”, which I agree with, but what does that mean? Does that mean I just dick around by myself for the next 10 year just because it’s socially acceptable? Negative ghost rider. Anyways that’s not the purpose or debate of this blog, this blog is about is about dry spells and your funny solutions to it. I know some of you have gone on much worst dry spells, I just feel like I’m in an unnecessary funk. AND I KNOW you clowns are always going to say “Just let it happen, you’re trying too hard”, you know what I say “Shut your fucking mouth when you’re talking to me”, just kidding, thanks for your input! It’s always valued here at SingleSteve.com! No but seriously, shut your mouth immediately. I’ve tried not trying, I’ve tried trying, whatever I’ve been doing is not working and that where YOU come in.
This is going to be fun, promise. Stop being emo and focus.
I want to try different, funny, ridiculous, interesting things to meet new people? Comment on this blog and I will take the best 3-10 options and actually do them.
Last time I took your input it resulted in hilarious okcupid.com first messages, so I’m pretty excited to see what you come up with.
I’ve already got some good ideas from some people:
-Rent a puppy
-Wear an Ed Hardy bedazzled shirt out one night
-http://www.cheekd.com/
Leave your ideas as comments, and people can vote on their favorites with the thumbs up or thumbs down of each comment.
These don’t need to be, nor do I want them to be, “serious “ ideas in a way that I’m seriously going to be using them to see if meet my future wife, I just want to turn try fun, different, ridiculous, unique things to outside my normal approach of work, school, play, volunteering to meet people.
This might be a stupid question, but do you talk to girls sober? Howaboutwe had a great list of coffee-shop pick-up strategies that I was kind of dying to try out. And since you say you’re not a troll and seem funny and awesome, sober girls are probably more likely to go out with you.
As a girl who is usually single (and reasonably cute, if I may say so), I would love for this to happen:
I sit in coffee shop reading or knitting. Cute guy comes up, tries strategy from howaboutwe (or just asks what I’m reading or knitting), chats with me for a few minutes. If we have conversational chemistry, asks me on a date for later this week. Walks away. SO BALLSY. SO HOT.
I mean I’m sober when I talk to girls at work, at school, during my volunteering activities. I could try a coffee shop….
You know what I think is hot? A girl knitting in a starbucks.. HALF MAST!!!
Keep it classy Rome
Yeah, reason one why guys aren’t approaching you-you are knitting at starbucks!
Archery lessons.
That’s a sure place to meet babes.
(;
Lol.
I average less than one date a year so I fear that I won’t be much help with your crisis.
Stalk girls in the grocery store. Girls want to be hit on while buying melons.
“You have some really nice melons” – me
SLAP – her
I’ve been stalked at grocery stores and gas stations multiple times. My experiences have been quite creepy and annoying. Sometimes, I wonder if my safety is in danger! A memorable occasion was while I was looking at Gatorade, this one guy asked if he could buy me a 4pak of 5 Hour Energy. Umm, no gracias.
I totally agree with this approach. My store has a ton of hot men, everytime I go. I want to say, “Talk to me!”
rent a baby.
Anyone got a baby I can borrow? I’ll return it in mint condition
perhaps you could kill two birds with one stone while lurking in the planned parenthood parking lot?
haha! I feel like I should ask them before they go, if anyone has an extra baby….what? too soon?
i win.
let’s get that baby!
Idea: go to a decent restaurant (aka not Taco Bell) with a buddy and pick up the waitress.
It’s really not as hard as you’d think. Be your normal self and bring her into your banter. At the end ask her what else there is to do around the immediate area on a *****day night. When she tells you: ask if she’s available to show you – or at least demand her number for a TBD adventure. Like shooting fish in a barrel…
I’m sure the waitresses never gets hit on
It’s still always flattering. Especially of the guy is non creepy / genuinely nice!
have you tried waiting in the parking lot of planned parenthood?
I heard those girls put out.
haha! Writing this one down
Go into Petsmart or similar pet store and offer to carry out girls’ 30+ pound bags of dog food to their car. This same strategy also works at Ikea. Actually, it probably plays out even better at Ikea when you offer to help a girl build the furniture she just purchased. A ready-to-go date!
A perk to this is if they tip you! See? Even if you’re not getting a date out of it, you might get a 5 spot-
Oh HELL to the no I would never invite some ikea lurker home to come home with me and help me build my furniture!! That sounds like a recipe for getting stuck with universal wooden pegs sandwiched under particle laminate board and left for dead. Or at the very least, someone who’d stand in the parking space of my apt. complex waiting for me to return home to ask if I needed help walking my groceries in…
How about on your next Southwest Flight? Sit next to a cute girl (not wearing her ipod. Make some jokes and chat her up.
I’d kiss you sober.
Do what “Juan” did to me in the German train station today… just walk up to a complete stranger… sure, she’s pretty and you may be kind of creepy with greasy hair (okay, that was “Juan”.. not you)… and, in a foreign language, ask her if you can have her phone number. Or if she has a phone? I don’t know. My Spanish is so rusty. And when she says, “No” in English, say, “My name is *Steve* (not Juan!)” (You could say your name is Juan if you want) and then extend your hand. And then hold onto her hand when she gives it to you, expecting a friendly hand shake, and when she tells you her name then ask, “Do you have a boyfriend, *inserthernamehere*?” Don’t be discouraged when she laughs, gives you the crazy eye and says, “No, and I don’t want one. Thank you!” and then walks away from you. Just ask the girl on the stairs behind her! It’s bound to work eventually!
Print out some business cards with your info on and give it to girls you think are hot. Tell them they are attractive and if they would like you to take them out then call the number on the card, then just walk away. They would be so shocked they would have no time to reject you, winner! Xx
Awesome! That’s the whole http://www.cheekd.com idea. hmmmmm
I once saw a guy shirtless standing on a street median at a VERY busy intersection. On his chest was written “Pretty People Please.” On his back was written “Have Sex With Me.” He was wearing some silvery plum smugglers and doing an awkward dance.
this needs to happen- and it needs to be captured on video and posted to this site…. that needs to happen now.
I met my wife in high school. Why don’t you hang out at a local high school? You might even be cool now!
It boggles the mind that you are still single!!! How is this possible?!?
My sarcasm detector is going crazy over here…but it’s hard to tell in written text.
I tend to be extremely sarcastic,but you caught me in one of my sincere moments…it happens once in awhile.I will aim for sarcasm in my future comments. Keep those blogs coming Mister!
my favorite game is it to sit at the bar…not a douche bag bar…but just like the neighborhood have a beer type bar and talk to whoever is next to me. I don’t always get dates but the conversations are totally worth it. Also, don’t get hammered.
Try to pick a girl up at an AA meeting. Not at all saying you have a drinking problem. Just heard guys actually try that. Always sounded funny as hell. Good luck with it all. You will meet that person when your not looking.
Julie J.
if nothing else- really good people watching..
It’s not too crazy or out there but what about a bookstore? You can ask her opinion about the book/section she’s browsing. Easy way to find out if you have a few common interests. Travel section? You might want to stay away from the self-help shelves though…
You need to change your body language. Girls read body language better than we men do, and they can sense “losers”.
Secondly, never go drunk on a date. That’s the main reason for bad decissions and unexpected pregnancies.
Third, buy expensive clothes. Don’t dress as a hiphop artist, that’s idiotic. I mean: italian shoes, an elegant shirt without a tie, a $500 suit. Girls look for those details, and you’ll be surprised how many women will look at you then. Never go on a date with jeans and a t-shirt.
You might say “But that’s not the real me! I want them to fall in love with the real, sensitive, blog-writing Steeeeeve!! (sob)”. I have news for you: clothing and accesories are the hook, you (the prize) come later. In order to know the real Steve they will need to look at him first.
And finally, never, ever go ass to mouth.
Steve – I go to cooking classes all the time and its usually about 90% women. The few men that are there are usually with a wife/gf. So you’d probably be the ONLY eligible, single man there – surrounded by dozens of cute young women. Good odds for you!
I love this blog! Not because I enjoy laughing at your life, but because I can relate.
I agree, I hate the whole awkward process of dating. My best relationship was with someone who I just jumped straight into the comfort zone with. Obviously, that had to end and I find myself in the same place as you.
Your not the only great guy out there having trouble finding a great girl. I’m saying that with a certain amount of confidence that I’m not a troll either.
I am amazed at how many men will just stare, which is creepy, but not approach, (which makes the staring less creepy, unless you really are a creep and creeps usually know this, which is why they just stare cause they know you’ll call 911..anyways..) I think if you just sacked up and went up to girls in bookstores and such, you would find that many are open to talk..if they aren’t…who cares..Move along, but don’t do it in the same aisle..AWKWARD. Main point is..open your mouth, you are charming, it’ll do work.
I had a two year sex dry spell once. I don’t actually know how I survived really so I feel you on that end. I agree, you need to start talking to girls in other arenas than bars. Go to a bookstore and hit on a girl. Hell stay there all day and hit on 25 girls (play the odds!).
Have you ever done speed dating? I don’t think it will work I just think it’d be a really funny blog to read the day after…
Buy a puppy, preferably a small helpless and ugly one; girls can’t say no.
I like the planned parenthood idea, but you will def get a stage 5 clinger.
I don’t know exactly how I got here, but I felt like I landed in an excerpt from a Douglas Adams book so I’m not complaining.
I think I read two comments from women before I scrolled down to write one of my own, echoing the same sentiment: WOMEN LOVE BALLS. Sure, the hairy pair dangling in all their glory are fun and all, but I’m talking confidence. I know it must be insanely hard to just walk up to a woman and talk to her, especially whilst sober, but that’s exactly what we want. Sure, maybe we should just do it but society has taught us that’s a man’s job – so it’s less likely to happen.
I feel for you poor guys!! But at the same time, I want a MAN damnit so I will wait for the one ballsy enough to strike up conversation.
I appreciate your correct grammar, wit and conversational writing style! Great blog.
Best way to meet chicks in San Diego is to get a part time job doing catering! It totally works!!
Walk up to a girl, give her your number (preferably not on a business card that looks like it was printed specifically to pick up chicks. A cocktail napkin will do) Pay her a non-creepy compliment and tell her to call you at a specific time.
You: “I noticed your brilliant smile from across the room. You should call me at 4. ”
They will be curious why they have to call at 4 and actually call.
Why not try your neighborhood Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous 12 Step group? I hear SLAA girls will sleep with just about anyone! If you strike out there (Really??), become a penpal with a female prisoner and see if you can get in for a communal visit.
I made a mistake in my previous comment. Please post this one! Thanks!