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It’s 2015, Now What?

So, here we are. Two thousand, fucking, fifteen. The fucking future. It’s crazy, I thought I’d be writing this blog from a moon base, while my space kids play outside on their iPhone 7s. I guess not. I’m still in San Diego. I’m still single.

It feels oddly familiar. I don’t know, I can’t really articulate it, but somehow, it just feels the same. Not to say I’m not optimistic as shit about 2015, I’m just saying I’m still single, and I still don’t have a good warm and fuzzy feeling about my current dating methods and approach. And when I say “methods and approach”, I mean online fucking dating. Or maybe that’s the reason I’m single is because I am nerdy as shit and call it “methods and approach”. Also, I just went back and re-read just the first few sentences of this post, and I’ve already sworn like 15 times. Apparently it’s going to be one of those post, fuck.

Anyways, this post is probably going to be more like one of those shitty clip episodes that sitcoms used to air when the writers didn’t really feel like writing new content. Not because I don’t want to write new ish, but because my feelings are exactly the same, and it’s always fun to recap why I’m single.

 

Shall we begin?
Here I am. 31 years old. Still Single. Still living in San Diego. Still awesome. Still trying to figure out what the fuck to do now.

 

Tinder:
In the last year, I’ve “done” Tinder with a “real” profile, and it was just awful. Getting literally, 3 matches a month. And of those 3 matches, 3 of them are spam bots. So yeah, it wasn’t going very well. I changed my profile to be just a cheap plug for a blog, which gets 5 or so matches week.  And yes, they are real girls, but they just swiped right on me because they thought my profile was funny. So right now, you’re probably screaming at your computer “THEN WHY DON’T YOU ASK THEM OUT STEVEN!? GIRLS LOVE FUNNY GUYS!”. First of all, calm the fuck down, no need to yell, you’re making a scene. And secondly, that’s just something girls say. Otherwise I wouldn’t be single. Point and case. Just kidding. Mostly. I don’t ask them out because Tinder IS NOT REAL LIFE. It’s this weird app where people are matched, chit chat back and forth for 34 minutes and then never speak again. It’s how it works.

I wrote some blogs about the ridiculousness of tinder:

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Match.com:
I rejoined match.com, sent out a LOT of messages, a lot. I sent out a lot of good, well crafted, thoughtful messages. But as I proved mathematically, I don’t think match.com is going work out for me because I’m “too short”. Don’t believe me? Check the math:
www.singlesteve.com/im-too-short-to-date-statistically-speaking/

I did actually get to go on one date from match.com. How did it go you ask? Well, that’s very nice of you to ask, actually it didn’t go very fucking well, like at all. Well, it didn’t actually go at all. She never showed up. And then she faded out. Which prompted me to solve the age old question of: When is it okay to fade out of a relationship

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Okcupid:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. No.

 

Eharmony.com:
Nope. Still have my lifetime ban. See the website www.FuckEharmony.com for details.

 

Speed Dating:
It was as awful as you would have thought. The best was the last two girls I talked to, who were “bloggers”, and told me all about how awesome their lives were compared to mine. Read about it here:
http://www.singlesteve.com/adventures-speed-dating/

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I’m going to be honest, I hate, hate all of the above ways to meeting women. I’ve always hated online dating. But I’ve always done it. But I guess now, I’m kind of seeing that after many many years, it’s not working, at least for me. I’ve proven statistically women aren’t looking for me, I’ve proven that you can send out well-crafted messages and still the response rate is like 2 percent. Which is fine. These are things we already knew about online dating. I’m going to keep doing it, because that’s just what you do, but I just hate it. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE THE MOST ABOUT IT?

It’s the philosophy of online dating. It’s the process of going on dates with strangers. I fundamentally disagree with the whole process. And here’s why:

Single Steve’s Philosophy on Love
So when I say love, I’m talking like the real, forever and ever love. I think the best marriages, the kind, that last until they’re both 85 and still madly love, still joking, still laughing, are based on friendships. Best friendships. I think of those lasting relationships, as basically best friends, that have sex. A friendship, as a base for their relationship. My problem with online dating, is that you are trying to have a relationship first, and then figure out if maybe you’ll have a friendship. No one goes on a first date from match.com and is looking to meet a friend. They’re just not. They’re going on this date to see if this guy is relationship material. And yes, absolutely, people, who start off as strangers from online dating, can go on and have these lasting relationships, and they feel like they’ve married their best friend. For sure. But I would say a lot of online relationships fail because it was just a relationship, not a friendship.

Looks will fade, muscles will turn to fat, hair will fall out, but laughter, that shits forever.

That’s my over romanticized opinion on love. And yes I’ve tried to date my female friends before. Apparently they hate that shit. They always complain about how they can’t find a nice guy just like you, until you, actually try and date them. Then it turns out they actually want the other guy, who is nothing like you. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL…..

Thankfully I’m good at making friends. WHO WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND? I’m getting older though, it’s gets harder to make new friends.

Speaking of, I’m 31. Thirty, fucking, one. It’s mind bottling to think about that. I never, ever would of thought I would be 31 and single. Not that it’s a bad thing. I have no regrets, I like where I am, yada yada, all the stuff I’m supposed to say to show I’m happy with my life, but when I first started blogging like 7 years ago, I joked, “hahahaha” I’m never going to find my person. Because it’s fucking funny and ridiculous for a 24 year old to joke about being alone forever. But 7 years later, as a 31 year old joking about being alone forever , it’s like a little more real, you know. I mean we can all still laugh about it, but it’s the kind of laugh where it’s like your fake laughing, with your teeth gritted and your eyes are shifting back and forth to see if people are actually believing you in your laugh. Yeah, that kind of laugh.

I know, I know, “But Steven, 31 is still young, you have plenty of time to find somebody” – you in a very adult condescending voice. Watch your tone when you’re talking to me. I know. I get it. But I also want to get married, and have kids before I’m “too old”. I don’t know what “too old” is, but it’s has something to do with playing catch with my kid in my back yard. I actually did a timeline of what’s the rush:
http://www.singlesteve.com/whats-rush/

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I also start having a mild panic attack when I start thinking about math. Not like my vector calculus back in the day math, but math in the sense that I know my pool of available awesome single women to mate with is shrinking. It’s is. Every day. It’s math. They either die, or get married, every, single, fucking day. And sure some girls re-enter the dating pool, as a few of them get out of their relationships or divorcees, but I’m still willing to bet that the rate in which women leave my available dating pool is higher than the rate in which women are entering. Did I lose you? Look, here’s a graph.

Age Distribution of Adult Single Women

It basically shows what percentage of women are single based on a bucket of age ranges. You can see that most of the world’s single population is between the ages of 18 and 24, with 40%. My age range, the 25 to 34 year olds is 25% of the population. Meaning out of all the available single girls on planet Earth, only 1 in 4 girls is in my dating population. And you know that’s always the ugly friend, that they keep around to boost their self confidence. JUST kidding. Geez. Calm down. But seriously, 1 in 4. And you can see if I survive to be 35 years old the pool of single women drops even smaller. I’m just saying, MATH. I know a lot of you will be Optimistic Olga, and say things like “there are plenty of fish in the sea Steven”. I know there are. I’m just saying, there are more fish being pulled out and eaten then are repopulating the fucking sea.

On that note, I have another panic attack when I start thinking about the quality of fish still left in the sea. When I think about it logically, it makes sense that “a lot” of the amazing, funny, caring, cute, sarcastic, great kisser, great dancer women have already been fished out and eaten. I mean, why wouldn’t they be. If you are guy and you met an amazing person, you’re going to try and wife the shit out of her. As you should. So, logically, I get to thinking, who’s left? And why are they left? The dating pool has changed dramatically. Here’s how I see it:

My dating pool at 30

Again, this is my exaggerated perception. My phoebia is crazy cat ladies, single moms and divorcees. Not that there’s anything wrong with having kids, or being married before, but it’s a “thing” to consider, and those aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. I know I’m going to get hate comments and hate email, saying something like “Dear Steven, I’m 38 and single, and there’s nothing wrong with me”. To which I will reply that you are dirty rotten liar and are probably bat shit crazy. Okay, I agree. There are circumstances in which you could potentially be older and single, and absolutely amazing. But realistically, there is probably a reason. Whether it’s “I’ve only dated douche bags, or I’m a crazy jealous bitch.” Myself included in this group. I have a reason, we all have a reason. Just make sure your reason is a long hard look at yourself. I do. Just saying. Again, I look forward to your hate comments

HELP ME:
Do I jump back on the okcupid and match.com’s of the world? Do I Tinder for serious? Do I send mass Snapchats of penis to random girls? Do I do some other new technology shit I don’t know about yet? This is where YOU come in. I need your inputs. What should I do?

I actual plan on writing a lot more in 2015. New Years Resolution, I promise.

*I’m going to preemptively tell you that YES I DO GO OUT AND DO THINGS IN THE REAL WORLD. Like all the time. I’m involved with some non profits, I go out with friends a lot, and I do cool new things. So unless it’s something specific, like join a cheese addicts support group, don’t tell me the generic “You need to do things in the real world with real people that share the same interest”. Just no. But thank you.Sign up here to get my book for FREE!



Comments
  • Plano January 7, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    You pointed out the solution in your post but refuse to accept it. You can’t become friends with a girl and then date her – because you’ll be in the friend zone at that point. Instead, date a girl and then try to become friends with her. If you can’t be friends then faaaddddeeee awwaaay……

  • Meagan January 7, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    You should really take that 52 second lock off your blog… 😛

  • Hump January 7, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    Dude, I am embarrassed for you as an engineer…you read the pie chart wrong. You stated that the pie chart says that 1 out of every 4 women you see is likely to be single…NO! The graph says that, of all single women, 1 in 4 is between the ages of 25 – 34. From one engineer to another, lock it up! So unfortunately, your outlook is even more bleak than 1 out of 4…it’s 1 out of 4 IF SHE’S SINGLE in the first place.

    • Single Steve January 7, 2015 at 8:57 pm

      I KNOW! Engineering fail. I went back and read what I wrote, FAIL. Good catch sir!

  • Meagan January 7, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    OkCupid is ridiculous obviously and after reading your analysis of Match- that seems a bit hopeless for you too ha 😛 If Real Life Steve is as entertaining and funny as Single Steve, I don’t understand the singleness.. minus the carne-asada pocket thing…
    Single Steve definitely has my attention, and Real Life Steve seems super cool (all the community involvement + yada yada you mention). Soooo I guess this was all just a waste of time, telling you- I got nothing… haha. The random penis pics on snapchat could work for you though… 50/50% chance you get a reply! ;D

  • Hump January 7, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    By the way, I love you and your blog and I know you’re going to find an amazing lady that you can spoil and will spoil you! All the best, Man!

  • Joni January 7, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    You’re 31. Give up and get a cat.

    And a divorce.

    Then we can all be the bottom of society together drinking wine and flipping everyone else off.

    Signed,
    31, divorced, has dog smaller than cat, says fuck even more than you do, and not sorry.

    • Single Steve January 7, 2015 at 9:00 pm

      Dear Joni,

      Fuck. You’re right. You win. Let’s hang out at the bottom of society soon.

      Fuck, fuck, fuck,
      Singlest of Steves

  • Jessicat January 8, 2015 at 2:22 am

    Darn, no screenshot of any potentially inspiring conversations. Also, you’re fucking hilarious. Just in case everyone else telling you the same thing somehow didn’t help you figure that out yet.

  • Evy January 8, 2015 at 3:23 am

    Awww c’mon Stevie! OKC & Match.com do work! Two of my co-workers (in their 30s, scientists!) are happily married to women they adore that they met online.

    And you CAN become friends with the lady after you’ve been romantic & all that, ya know?

  • Zip January 8, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    Perhaps those dating sites are too generic — and you’ve “mathed” why they’re too generic, as it drives girls to focus on height and other bland attributes that aren’t where you shine. Let’s change the game a little bit: are there dating sites specific to nerds, comedians, charitable people, etc. that could provide a much more agreeable, enriched dating scene? If there aren’t, get on that! Who wouldn’t want to bang the founder of http://www.stockholm-sweeties.com (or whatever you name your new niche site).

    Also, in the spirit of changing it up a bit, consider being more obvious about hitting on girls, in conjunction with being the comedian. We’ve been out n’ about quite a bit together, and being funny definitely sells you as a “friendable” person, but perhaps spend a bit more time trying to get her heart racing from more than just laughter, too. Easier said than done, of course…

    And if that all fails, I recommend importing a gf from Arizona; you’ve still got some pull there, right?

  • Jared January 9, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    Hey Steve, happy New Year. Personally I hope you stay single this year for my own selfish reasons, because I enjoy reading your blogs. I know, I’m an asshole. But if you’re serious about meeting someone I would suggest you have your friends set you up. They know you, and the type of person you would like, and who you would like. And women love playing match-maker. If none of your friends have anyone they can recommend, you may want to branch out and meet new women. That way if they friend-zone you, you can ask if they have any single girlfriends they can hook you up with. I don’t know, just a thought. Or you could start hitting on lonely cat ladies.

    • Jessicat January 10, 2015 at 1:49 am

      Lonely, divorced cat ladies even.

  • JabberJon January 11, 2015 at 8:27 pm

    Steve, you rip on OKC a lot. I haven’t figured out why? I like OKC. Not that it has fucking worked for me at all. I’ve had a few dates at best. None of the dating sites work for me though. It is REALLY frustrating and I don’t want to continue down that path. Unfortunately, that is where society has thrown me. Heaven forbid one of my fucking friends knows someone who is single or that girl in the store wants anything to do with me. Tried chemistry.com. Total fail (talked to tons of girls, got 0 dates). Eharmony is a total fail (I’m having a similar experience to you. Tons of matches, few responses, 0 dates. But at least it is $6 a month for me). I’ve come to the conclusion that you are right about the height thing. I’m 5′ 6″ and getting no where. Went out with a girl on Friday that is maybe a couple of inches shorter than I am. She was wearing heals and kept apologizing for being the same height as me. I didn’t fucking care. Obviously she did and it was annoying!!! Who the fuck cares how tall someone is? I read a study a while back about shorter guys making better husbands and having happier marriages. How about we focus on that? How about judging someone based on the person they are and not how tall they are? Can I join you and Joni? I’m fucking sick of this shit!

  • JabberJon January 11, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    Here is that article if you are interested:
    http://www.newrepublic.com/article/119233/short-men-do-more-housework-earn-more-divorce-less

    Currently awaiting my eHarmony cancellation for my previous comments…

  • Trevor August 12, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    In my experience women who told me they wanted to be friends really were communicating on their secondary woman channel that they weren’t attracted to me and never wanted to see me again. I oblige now and just tell them I’m not looking for friends as I have plenty and never contact them again.

    Attraction is not rational, if the guy that makes their loins go all aflame is a total dirtbag, it doesn’t matter, they want to sleep with him. You can’t be too nice, because at the end of the day most women want a take charge kind of guy and if you are giving off the vibe that they are going to call the shots in the relationship, it’s going to be a total turn off. My advice is to pull the plug on online dating, as you know what they say about the definition of insanity. As a fellow nerdy guy, I understand the angst about meeting women in the real world, but trust me you are going to vastly improve your chances of meeting someone and it’s like any other skill. If you crash and burn at first (you will) don’t take it personally and make mental notes about how things went down and work on it. I totally understand where you are coming from about wanting a life partner, but the mechanics are the same for a man they will end up marrying vs a hookup. If they aren’t attracted to you at the beginning there’s virtually no chance you are going to be able to move it forward into dating long term anyway and you will be friendzoned as they say.

  • Monica November 21, 2015 at 5:59 am

    Hey! I really am genuinely interested in an nice, funny, intelligent guy. I think the height thing is just something we fill out subconciously, as Steve mentions in his clip. In reality…I’m 5’6, and as long as you’re not shorter than me (sorry), it’s a go. I haven’t done much online dating, and probably won’t after perusing and laughing about this blog. I think the problem might be online dating makes people a commodity.

  • Makayla January 5, 2016 at 10:17 am

    Im in another country to the USA and the online scene is no different here it seems to me! It appears we could hypothesise that there are no significant cross-national differences, statistically speaking, in how excruciating the online dating process can be. Oh joy.
    😉

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