Archive for category bars
Halloween, you're still a hoe.
Catching up.
Halloween has come and gone, and people have been begging me to update my happenings since. Well that’s not true, no one actually asked me anything, but I’m going to fucking tell you anyways. Sorry, I know, no need to swear.
My Halloween actually wasn’t all to wild and crazy kids. I was in Washington DC for work, at an engineering conference where I was the “grown up”. I know right. Me, the “grown up”. I gave some workshops, did some company recruiting, did some binge drinking, a good time had by all.
Actually here’s a secret between you and me, I had to a give a workshop to about 40 student engineers one day of the conference at 3:45 in the afternoon, apparently I went out a little too big the night before because I still hung over and felt like death. No worries, I totally rocked the presentation, but ran to bathroom and puked 2.5 seconds after it ended. Yeah, I’m an adult. Public speaking is my specialty, probably my best skill, regardless of what state my liver is in. And that’s a fact.
My Halloween was interesting…moral of the story is I walked back to my hotel 2 miles in the rain at 5:00am in a short sleeve shirt, in the city where I had no idea where I was going. I was navigating on the rising sun back to my hotel. Unfortunately the story isn’t as awesome as your hoping. I wasn’t doing the walk of shame because I just hooked up with major babes, nope. I was walking back to my hotel at 5:00am because that was a better option than waking up on a strangers couch dressed as Space Ghost. I walked into my hotel where students were gathering in the lobby to catch their shuttles for the airport. They were probably wondering why the guy that interviewed them yesterday was stumbling in at 6am, soaking wet in a short sleeve shirt. Me too. Me too….
I got back to San Diego and immediately saw a flood of Facebook albums bursting with Halloween photos. And me being the creep I am, of course went through all of them. I pulled out a few to make fun of, sorry if you know these people. Remember I’m “Single Steve”, just a internet personality, who’s kind of dick.
For your pleasure:
Halloween, don't be that girl
It’s about that time of year again, the weather’s getting colder, the leaves are beginning to change color and girls are deciding which kind of slutty animal they want to be for Halloween. This blog is written for my female readers, all 3 of them.
Actually before I get into my post, I want to take a ten second break and send a friendly reminder to all my readers of this blog:
The Most Important Single Steve blog You Will EVER Read. EVER.
Basically the cliff note’s of the blog is Real Life Steve is not an assshole, well, not all the time, and Single Steve is a complete asshole. So when you read this, don’t think of the funny, attractive, smart, strong, modest, sensitive, nice, modest guy you know in real life, instead, read this as just some guy on the interweb with a web page. I know we’ve had this talk before, but people seem to have brain damage and can’t separate the two. Basically I want to be as ha-larlious as possible, and that involves me being a super jerk, but I still hold back because I fear people will associate these words with real life me. I not saying everyone that reads this blog has brain damage, just like 85 percent of you guys. You know who you are. I’m surprised most of the people that come to my webpage even know how to read, but that’s why I include so many pictures, so you can still pretend you know what’s going on, but I digress…
Penis penis penis, vagina vagina vagina. See, just some random words, some dude on the internet says. I’m about to use the word slut about 1000 times, just a heads up.
Where was I? Oh yeah, sluts. Halloween sluts. Halloween is a great time of year, it’s interesting to think about the “fun” levels of Halloween as you progress through your life.
When you’re little, probably 5-10 years old, its fun and exciting to dress up like your favorite super hero or princess and go trick or treating house to house, so innocent and naive. Then in your high school years it becomes “uncool” to dress up anymore, everyone knew “that guy” that came dressed up in a mid evil costume on Halloween and got beat up.
Then fun levels really pick up at 18, when you’re away from parents at college, every costume now gets prefixed with the word “sexy”, which is actually just code for “I can be a hoe and you can’t say anything”.
When I say slut, in no way shape or form is that an insult or meant to be a degrading comment. In this context. Halloween makes it okay. It’s actually kind of a complement I would say. Somehow, magically I can walk up to a girl (probably one that I know since I don’t talk to ones I don’t know) and tell her, that her costume looks totally slutty and I won’t get uppercutted.
I’m not saying that I disagree, am offended or discourage the way ladies dress on Halloween. NOT AT ALL. I actually encourage this type of wardrobe. I’m just stating the way things are.
Now you’re probably saying “But Steven I don’t dress like a slut on Halloween, is there something wrong with me??” No, no there isn’t. Well maybe, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But it’s okay to not dress like a complete whore on Halloween. Really it is. You can dress “normal”, maybe a funny or clever costume, good for you. I’m not mad at it. BUT what I ask is don’t be that girl that dresses in the costume that scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to walk into the bar and be scared because I think there’s actually a zombie at the bar. That’s really cool you spent 2 hours making it look like your bleeding from the face! Especially considering were at a classy place like Cabo Catina where I just peed into a trough. I just want to drink, and be merry. At no time on my Halloween night do I want to wipe puss from your face off my costume because you walked by me. That’s a fact.
Halloween isn’t about being scared, it’s about getting drunk and trying not to embarrass yourself while dressed like an idiot. Anyone knows that. It’s science.
This blog was actually going to be about what kind of guy you would attract based on what slutty costume you dressed as, but I kind of got derailed, but I’ll throw a few in here at the end.
Cutting it short, passed my bed time. Maybe I’ll finish making fun of everyone’s costumes later this week.
What are you going to be for Halloween? Let me know so I can make fun of it.
I’ll be in Washington DC next week for work stuffs, anyone in DC that wants to celebrate like it’s our job on Halloween, let me know! Don’t know what I’m going to be yet, something I can pack in my suit case. Maybe a ghost? A sexy ghost? Well see.
One more thing, since you’re not paying or sleeping with me to continue to write these blogs the least you can do is invite you friends to join the facebook page. It’s the least you could.
Also starting a new thing, where I reverse stalk some random I don’t know who’s following the page. I mean they’re basically stalking me, they least I could do is photoshop them in some awkward situation. That’s why I need more random’s, as to not offend my “real friends”
Happy Halloween
Drinking, It's not just for children anymore
Posted by Single Steve in bars, dating, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating, rant on February 22, 2009
********Old Blog, Back Posting**********
Have you ever waken up and just felt ashamed? Like you aren’t sure why you feel ashamed of what ever you did last night, but you just know you should. Maybe it’s not just ashamed, maybe it’s like 50 percent ashamed and 50 percent embarrassed.
This morning I woke up and I was over come with this fantastic feeling. Why?
Maybe it was because this morning I woke up still wearing what I wore out the night before? Or maybe the fact that I still had my shoes on? Was it because my mouth tasted like I ate a bucket of sand before going to bed? I don’t think it was because I woke up on a friends couch, I do that all the time. I did how ever wake up covered in straws, yes straws. Drinking straws. It was a little unusual, but I still don’t think that’s why I felt so ashamed/embarrassed. As I got up and walked out the front I started shifting through my pockets for my keys. . . .BINGO.
I had found the reason why I should be ashamed. Finally.
What did I discover deep within my front right pocket?
Carne Asada. That’s right, carne fucking asada, IN my pocket. WHAT!? No this isn’t one of those “I’m soooo Mexican that. . . ” jokes. I literally, yes literally, woke up with carne asada IN my pockets.
What the hell did I do last night that I ended up with chunks of grilled steak meat IN my pocket!?
So to recap:
I’ve done this before(Best Date Ever Blog!!), and I want to try this again. Let’s Quentin Tarantino this situation. Let’s start at the beginning of the night and see if we just can figure out how exactly we got to the “Anatomy of Steven this Morning” situation.
So let’s start off with what happened. Actually let’s start off with what DIDN’T happen. What didn’t happen was, was I didn’t eat dinner.
Strike 1.
I left work about an hour early for happy hour with some co workers, had a quick 2 glasses of always delicious blue moon. After that I made my way to my company drinking softball league. I’m not actually what you call “good”, I’m more the guy that shows up to play the minimum 3 innings, drink beer and meet people. Had a few more drinks. It’s a good time had by all. After that I went home for approximately 3.2 minutes changed my clothes and was off to Linedoggies (AKA Moondoogies). Nothing really happens for a long time, besides me drinking an obscene amount. But to be fair, I had notified all my friends I was with that tonight was I was in “black out mode”. I don’t know how me telling my friends my intent to drink a lot actually justifies me drinking a ridiculous amount . But what ever helps you sleep at night. So yeah, basically I drink a lot, I mean at two dollar you call it’s, how can I be drinking a lot. I have to make up for the nights that they run their other special of “Nine dollar beer night”.
Here comes a funny story of me being a drunk fool:
So at some point I get a text message from a female friend asking what I was up to and where I was at.
Some back ground about this friend: She is actually someone I met through my myspace blogs. Yep. The system works. She’s funny, attractive and seems like a cool person. We’ve had the lunch and met up a couple times in PB. I’m always down to meet new cool people in San Diego. We haven’t like hooked up or made out or anything, you know just hanging out.
So anyways she tells me she’s in line and coming in. I’m pretty stoked. Because at this point I’ve had about twenty of the two dollar you call its and I’m stoked about every thing.
Here’s the scoop. I’m not really sure where I stand with things like this. Like does she call/text me at because she “likes” me, or she just wants to hang out as friends. I’m COMPLETELY and utterly clueless, maybe that’s why I “gay friend zone” myself with all my girlfriends. Anyways in my extremely drunken stooper, I figure there is a slight chance(slight chance that is now probably a ZERO. . .ha, well get there) that she, pretty girl in San Diego, might, might is the key word, want to make out with me. I know, I know, sounds ridiculous, but please bare with me.
Seeing how I haven’t made out with anyone in over 6 months, this is a rare opportunity. Yes you heard me, 6 months. Well there was once in that time but we were in no condition to be remembering things, and if you ask her she might not even verify it happened. Don’t even get me started on sex, because I’m pretty sure I might be a born again virgin. Anyways, not the point. NOT the point.
Point is, said girl is coming to the same location that I am existing at and my drunken mind set is telling me there is slight chance she might not be completely appalled at the idea of kissing me. Things are looking up.
For this portion of the story there’s two versions of the story. There’s what my drunk ass think happened. And then probably what actually happened.
Here’s my drunk version of story:
I’m at the bar. I casually pull out my phone and notice said girl has sent me a text message letting me know she’s inside. I calmly stroll over to where she said she’s located. I gently bump her on the shoulder and give her a welcome and hello. I notice she’s with dude, and I think she was holding his hand.
Just then it was probably the most awkward silence I have felt in a long time. It felt like all the music had stopped, and there’s was nothing but silence and stares for at least 8 minutes. I was probably standing there for at least 10 minutes. I said something to the extent of “well I’ll see you later” and casually walked off.
Here’s what probably actually happened:
I’m at the bar(yeah that part stays the same). It takes me probably about 2 minutes of digging through my pockets to determine which one of things in my pocket is actually my phone. I pull out my phone, glare at it with one eye close, you know doing that drunk stare. You close one eye because somehow you think that’s actually going to increase your ability to see. I see that said girl has text. I stumble over to the area she say’s located, I’m sure I bumped into at least 20 people on my voyage to the other side of the bar. In my version of the story I mentioned how I gently nudge her on the shoulder, but in reality in my haze I’m sure it was more like a hard shove to the back. I’m not even sure if I spoke any cohiernt words to her. I’m almost positive my “welcome and hello”, was more like a chubaka war cry.
So there was a dude standing behind her, I’m not actually sure he was holding her hand, he may or may not have been just in line to get a drink. I was probably only swaying there next to her for no more then 30 seconds before decided there was an awkward silence and left.
So that’s where the stories differ.
BUT, who cares if she was holding that guys hand!? I shouldn’t! right? I mean I’ve met this cool chick a few times, we’ve never even hugged, why would I be all Jealous Jill if she was holding some dudes hand?? Who knows. Alcohol?
I’m sure she just wants to hang out and make the jokes, that’s my forte and what I like doing.
The story gets better. At some point later in the night I text her:
Seriously!!! Hahaha! Man I’m ridiculous. What!? “UR cut”, who am I Donald Trump, with the “You’re Fired!”. Apparently I’m a mean drunk? Or just a dumb one. And by me sending her this message assumes that she was at some point UNcut. Like there was a chance she was thinking the same drunkenness I was thinking. I don’t even have the right to “cut” this poor girl out of the fantastic that would be making out with me. She probably got this message and was sooo confused. Actually this was her response a little later that night:
Exactly my thoughts. You can tell by the number of exclamation marks she is as equally as confused. Poor thing. I just hope she didn’t read my message and think that I was actually talking about cutting her with real knives. She was probably thinking “Oh shit, why does this Mexican want to cut me?”. So that was that. She actually text me today, she didn’t mention hating me. Maybe it will be okay? And I realize that she is probably going to read this and it will make more sense to her, and I will hopefully be able to work my way up from “Dude that wants to cut her” status to “funny friend from the internet” status.
Oh the night continues. Or so I’ve been told. Bar closes down and we stumble our way down to the shitty 24 hour Mexican food. Which surprisingly isn’t so shitty at 2 in the morning. We get our food, and on our way out apparently I think it’s a great idea to grab about 100 straws in my hands and stumble out of the place. I guess as soon as we made it outside I threw them all up in the air like I felt it needed to be raining straws. I’m surprised I didn’t get beat up, I guess I was throwing straws at random people and then proceeding to giggle like a little school girl. Somehow, somehow we managed to make our way back to our friends house(I sleep on his couch at least twice a week. . .) and gorge on the delicious meal at hand. Now I’m not actually sure how or when the carne asada went from being inside my burrito to nesting it’s way into my right pocket. Perhaps I thought it would be a tasty treat in the morning? I fell asleep at some point, and this is how I got to the “Anatomy of Steven this Morning” situation.
Now that I’ve scared away anyone who might want to be my friend. . . .I promise I’m not a Jealous Jill. Thats why this situation was so ridiculous.
Anyone want to go see Shrek 3? I want to go, but I don’t want to go with my dude friends. Just throwing it out there. . .
Leave a comment if
-you have equally ridiculous stories.
-you’d like to comment and tell me how ridiculous I am
-you were there that night and have more details of what actually happened
-general comments about funniness
-you don’t want me to cry myself to sleep tonight
If you thought this was funny, maybe you should tell your friends? I won’t be offened if you tell your friends to read this blog as well. really.
Internet Popularity
Posted by Single Steve in bars, dating, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating, rant on February 21, 2009
********Back posting, Old Blog************
****Updates:
I’m turning over my online dating accounts to Ted and Jackie. Ted’s an old friend who knows the in’s and out’s that is Steven, and he recently just got engaged to Jackie who is an creative writing major graduate. So I figure it’s a winning combo. Well see. I can’t do any worse? I’ll keep you updated .
****
Dear Diary,
Been thinking recently about the idea of “Internet Popularity” and just how ridiculous it is.
Just some internet popularity stats. I’ll break them down at the end.
-256 Blog Subscribers
-497 Myspace Friends
I got a friend request today, and it was from a very attractive girl. I’m just as shocked as you are. But there’s more.
Believe it or not this situation happens to me on a daily basis. BUT 99.5 percent of the time, it’s some fake girl who’s new to town and claims I can get a free PS3 by taking a quick survey and wants me to click her web cam. But today, I was almost creeped out to find this girl actually “exists.” She wasn’t a robot!? So I messaged her to inquire as to why she, ‘random attractive girl’, would request to be my friend. Not that I’m against random attractive people, that exist, attempting to add me. I was just curious.
She messaged back with:
“I ran across your blog and you are soooo funny!! Hilarious!”
And that’s it.
So this got me thinking about two things.
One, since I have kind of a sarcastic cynicism view of things, I assumed her message was in “the code”. You know, the one code where when some ask you about so and so and you say “well Lisa. . .Lisa has a great personality”. Which is actually code for: Lisa is a fat cow who attempted to eat your shirt because you spilt barbeque sauce on it, last time you were out with her. Yeah that Lisa.
Was this random girl telling me I’m funny, “code” for something else??
Probably not, but it’s funny to think about it:
So I have no idea how I got off on that tangent. And I’m pretty sure girl actually just thought my blogs were funny and it wasn’t code for she thinks I’m fat. Eh.
Two, why can’t real life be this!? This actually almost enrages me.
Lets move this to a real life situation.
In real life, under no condition, would a random attractive girl walk up to me in a bar and ask to be my friend without me even saying a single “real” word to her. It just doesn’t happen.
I’ve gotten several of these random friend request(10-20). Some from dudes, some from girls. Some were attractive, and some. . . .well some looked like they had great personalities(see above). I’m not against the random friend add, especially if it’s because they dig the blog. My only complaint is if these random girls are wanting to be my “myspace friend” because they think I’m funny or what ever, does this mean they would be my friend in real life? Doubtful.
They would never come up to me randomly in a bar and speak to me, let alone request my friendship. How would they even know I spoke English?
I have to light myself on fire and start break dancing, just to get girls to notice me at bars.
My thought is I need some type of T-shirt so said random girl knows just how awesome I am and will approach me in real life.
Below are some prototypes:
Any ideas for something else that might work??
One last thing. Kind of on the same wave length of being an internet whore.
It’s come to my attention that you, yes you, are a thief. You are going to completely read this blog and then not comment. Now this isn’t just me being negative nancy. I actually did some math. Below is the actual myspace counter for views and ish to your blog.
thats it.AND I’m Single??
I get my jollies from comments.
Best Date Ever…..
Posted by Single Steve in bars, dating, funny, girls, humor, online dating, rant on February 19, 2009
So please allow me to put on my jerk hat for the content of this blog. Actually I’m going to put on my EXTREME jerk hat for this blog. I know usually I’m kind of a sarcastic jerk in my blogs, but they’re always about anonymous girls so I don’t feel that bad about being a jerk.
This one’s a little different in that it’s about a specific girl and the worst date ever. Now I’ll use a fake name for her, but I am going to show some photos. Me showing the photos isn’t me trying to be an uber jerk, but showing just how magically terrible online dating is shaping up to be.
I promise I’m not jerk. Nor am I as shallow as this blog will make me out to be.
So there’s my disclaimer for being a jerk, and here’s the tale of the maybe the worst date ever?
So were going to Quentin Tarantino this blog. I’m going to start with the ending and we’ll work our way through and show how it got to that point.
End of the date:
Girl and I step out of my car at my place. We both awkwardly take a few steps towards my place and stop. MORE awkward silence. At this point I’m thinking of stabbing myself in the face, only so I can tell my date I’m bleeding from the face and we should probably call it a night. I quickly remember my low threshold for pain and rule out the option. Now I’m thinking how can I end this date without having to make out with her. The only option. The high five. We often forget the power of the high five.
We high five and go our separate ways for the night.
Now lets see how we got to the high five.
Scene:
Eharmony.com girl.
So above is the one photo she had up on eharm. Not a bad photo, kind of a cute chick, right? Well certainly nothing that would be cause for alarm to stop the ever embarrassing online dating process. Girl and I make it through the terrible steps of “communicating” and we get to the final step of “open communication” which means we are now talking via personal emails. “You could say things are getting pretty serious.” So were emailing back and forth, yada yada, always good content emails with a lot of exclamation marks. Exclamation marks are good because they show she’s excited about this process and life in general. Right? When we met in real life, I wonder where all the exclamation marks had gone. I’ll get to that in a bit.
So we finally get to the point where we exchange myspaces. I know right, that’s like third base. So this is where red flag 2 and 3 come into play.
Now, now you’re probably thinking I’m a super jerk for such a comment. All I’m saying is it’s a red flag, or at least some shade of yellow flag. I’m not saying I need to date someone who was prom queen(though I would).
Think about it. People have friends for a reason. Like you are my friend because I’m super strong, uber smart, ridiculously funny and really modest. People with no friends, have no friends for a reason. The reasons COULD be she’s new to myspace or she doesn’t use myspace that often, I’m willing to accept those possibilities. I’m just saying.
This leads into red flag three. . .
Her only other photo up was the one above.
I AM NOT SHALLOW HAL. But I think we would all be lying if we said physical attraction wasn’t important. We have to be physical attracted initially to other person other wise it just wont work. So again this is a red flag that probably should have deterred me, but nope.
So the date:
We decided to meet up and grab some dinner. Shes already out and about and kind of in the neighbor hood, so I suggest we meet at my house and go from there. I know, I know bad move inviting her over to my house when I’ve never met her before. But she didn’t sound like a 40 year old man on the phone so I thought it was a safe bet.
She arrives, and, and, and , well remember the two photos of who she could show up looking like. She was definitely the later or two. THAT’S FINE, not a big deal. I wasn’t initially physically attracted but I’m thinking maybe she has an amazing personality and it will all balance out. Survey Says. . . . . X(I’m such a jerk). We drive down the street to a Mexican restaurant where we would go on to have the most awkward conversations ever. I am a talkative person, I can talk about anything to anyone, BUT I am not one to one side a conversation and talk for 2 hours straight. Pretty much when I wasn’t talking, there was this extreme silence. The kind of silence you wish you could accidentally stab yourself in the leg, just so your screams of pain would stop the silence. Yeah, that bad. This leads into red flag 4, when she did talk all she talked about was.
We can both tell how badly this date is crashing and burning(or so I thought), so we get done eating and we opt just to call it a night. We ride in silence back my place and this is how we got to the five high scenario describe above. So now you know. This is how the high five saved my life.
Side note: She text me on the way home says ” It was nice to meet you!I had a great time tonight! We should do this again!!”
At this point I wondered if we had gone on the same date. Or if blacked out at some point and during that time it was more interesting(man I’m a jerk).
Closing thoughts: This was my second internet date. The first date was with this really cool girl, and I thought it actually went really well, but it was horrible timing. We went out once and then I left the next day for AZ for a week and half for X mas break. I got back and thought my window for the second date was closed. Oh well.
This date, this date almost crushes all hope of my online dating experience. Not that I am actually vesting that much into this online dating, it’s more or less just something comical to write about at this point.
Now that I’ve scared away any girl that might be thinking about going out with me because she fears our date will end up as one of my blogs.
So my question to you is:
My 6 months is running out soon. Should I renew on both Eharmony.com and match.com? maybe just one? Maybe none? Input is required.
comment: it makes me feel warm inside
Girls I hate at bars, part two
Posted by Single Steve in Blogroll, Life, Love, Uncategorized, bars, dating, drunk, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating, rant, writting on February 5, 2008
So by popular demand, and by popular demand I mean one guy asked me to write it, I guess I’ll dive into observations I’ve made at bars about “Girls I Hate at Bars”. As you may recall I’ve already discuss the whoreyness that is “Girls Night Out”, if not please refer to this blog here.
2nd Group: “Because you’re not fucking tall enough already”
Maybe this is just a personal gripe, because I have inferior Mexican genes and stopped growing at the awesome height of 5’8. I know I’m not tall, but I know I HAVE TO be taller than some population of females in San Diego. Even if it’s a minority group, I know the group exists because I’ve seen girls, with my own short eyes, who are shorter than me during the day. At the bars at night, it’s a different story. I feel like when I go to the bars, girls that normally are 5’3 will some how magically appear to be 6’5 at bars. F THAT! They use dirty girl magic as seen in the diagram below.
3rd Group: “Team Asia!!”
Mostly this just applies to my southern California readers and in which case you already know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. This is in reference to the extremely high Asian population and their presence in intimidating numbers. I’m not saying I don’t like Asian girls, I’m just saying where you see one, you’ll see 13. They travel in hordes. I would be less intimidated to approach this horde of 13 Asian girls if they diversified their friends. Like if I saw they had a Mexican friend, I would think “hey they like Mexicans, they even have a Mexican friend to prove it”. But instead I’m thinking “Man, Asian’s only like Asians. See all there friends are Asians.” I feel like I fucking need to know karate to infiltrate this group of girls. Hi Ya!
(I promise I’m not racist. . . . I mean I used to eat Panda Express like 3 times a day in college,that has to count for something)
4th Group: “The Bad Dancer!?”
I love to dance, but hate bad dancers. Seen below is only a few examples:
There it is. Let me know your thoughts. Anyone know how I spread my blog to more people. I want to do more, but not if it’s just for my own enjoyment. Hollar!
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