Archive for category funny
With the boots and the fur….
*********Old blog, back posting**********
From January 29th, 2008
Greeeeeeeeeeetings! Hi there. Welcome. Bienvenidos.
Last week marked the first week of me officially being an SDSU grad student, it’s all so very exciting. The thrill of sitting in class, the joys of homework and the opportunity to not talk to/make eye contact with a whole different school of girls. Yep, it’s going to be a great year.
So as I stood in line for the delicious Panda Express during a break between the first day of classes, I was busy doing what any socially awkward engineer would be doing. I was staring at the ground, like it was my job. Like I was the official ground inspector, and it was my duty not to look up, no matter if I was standing in line between two attractive girls. But thankfully this was this case, other wise I could have completely missed a ridiculous site. What did I see?
I saw an attractive twelve-teen your old looking girl, in line in front of me, who was wearing pink boots with white fur and a short jean mini skirt. Jackpot.
Really?? On the first day of classes? That’s the fashion statement you’re going with? Really?
This blog is going to be about just a few of the ridiculous fashions I noticed on the SDSU campus on the first day of class.
I mean I’m not a fashion guru by any means, in fact it looks like I get dressed in the dark by a pack of monkeys, BUT I do know what’s ridiculous. And you, my attractive friend, are ridiculous. And all I could hear in my head the entire time I was thinking about how ridiculous she looked, was the “… with the boots with fuuuuur, the whole club was looking huuur…” song, and since that’s the only part of the song I know, it played over and over and over.
Got me thinking, why was the club looking at “hur” as this girl with the boots with the “fur” walked in. . . . What is it about this fashion statement that gets the attention of the club? Here’s my explanation.


Actually boots with the fur aren’t that bad, in some cases. It’s just ridiculous to see them coupled with short skirts. There must be an easier way to show guys you have VD. Okay a little harsh, sure. I’m just saying, on the first day of classes THIS was the message she wanted to send to her classmates. This was her first impression to me, and I was just the guy behind her at Panda Express. I wonder what she wears on the second day of class? Lingerie? Hope none of my readers where boots with the fur. . . .
I grab my ever healthy Panda Express cuisine and head to my table. I begin eating my friend grabs my attention and points me in the direction of a girl who is standing about 10 feet in front of us with her back to us. What was SHE wearing you’re asking?? I’m not really sure how to describe it actually, but for purposes of this blog I guess I’ll call them “It looks like her ass is eating her pants” pants. Yeah, THOSE pants. I vomited just a little in my mouth, just a little.

(I know I show non-yoga pant in the picture, but the rule applys to many pant types, I just happen to see yoga pants)
Why why why would you wear those? I can’t image she can’t feel that ¾ of her pants are now nestled securely inside her butt crack. I mean for the most part these yoga pants can be an attractive thing. I’m not even saying that only skinny girls should wear these pants, all I’m saying is PLEASE buy the right size. Nobody wants to see your pants as they get sucked into the most secret of crevices of your butt. That’s not too much to ask right?
Well there’s my two cents on a few fashion observations I picked up last week on campus. Tomorrows another day of school so who knows what I’ll see then!
YOU tell me some fashions you find to be ridiculous

Craig's List, one more time…
Posted by Single Steve in Craigslist, criags list, dating, funny, girls, humor on February 25, 2009
************Old blog, back posting************
From: Monday, January 14, 2008
Sitting down and conjuring up funny is more difficult than it sounds. So in taking the easy route out, I think I’ll do another CL’s blasting. It’s the easy way out of writing a real blog, sure, but I promise it will be my last one about CL losers, for a while. Actually it got me kind of thinking, maybe this will be the year I tackle the hard hitting topics in my blogs, like politics, legislation reform, and world peace? Maybe it will be, maybe it will. . .HAHA!
Actually by politics, legislation reform, and world peace I actually mean I’m going to duct tape a 40 to my hand and smash the key board and see what comes out.

Here it is. More Craig’s List Tool boxes.




There it is, the easy way out of a blog, Craig’s list losers. I promise future blogs will be more thought out and planned. Actually I kind of wrote down some new ideas for this year blog, things to be included:
“Relationship advice – ask the guy that can’t get any himself, on how to get some”
“Video blog?”
“Craig list all stars – time to pick on the girls”
“Steven gets drunk and does something ridiculous
Etc etc.
Leave me some comments?
If you liked this blog you might like:
Craig’s List All Stars 1.0
Posted by Single Steve in Craigslist, criags list, dating, funny, humor, nerd, rant on February 24, 2009
Craig List. Where else on the internet can you find a job, get free fill dirt, buy a urine soaked coach AND get a date!? Craig’s List! It baffles me the number of douche bags who post shirtless photos of themselves with posting titles like “hey guuuuurl”, and think “Yep, I’m gonna get so much ass. I’m talking like boy bad ass”. They’re begging for me to make fun of them….
I would like to start with, yes I am going to be a sarcastic jerk when talking about the following post, but I think it’s fair. If someone somewhere around the world wanted to take something I’ve posted online and write a funny rant about what a douche bag I am, more power to them. Also I’m banking on the people I write about will never ever find out.
First one up is Chesty Mcgee.
I actually really hope this guy doesn’t find out I’m making fun of him, as he could tear of my arms with his neck muscles.
Next one I call Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I saw this one and jumped with glee at the idea of making fun of this ass clown.
If you’re going to flat out lie on your posting at least make it a good lie.
He claims to be the son of a fortune 500 Business owner and is seeking a woman to live a life of luxury. . . . . like really?
This guy obviously thought out his super genius plan to get girls on Craig’s list prior to posting. I applaud his effort, but unfortunately for him I will use my super powers of cynical sarcasm and my GIFT OF SIGHT to shoot holes in his flawless Craig’s list posting.
I’m going to go sentence by sentence through Richey Rich’s posting to show you just where he went wrong.
“Hello, ladies i am currently the son of a furtune 500 Bussiness owner and I need a women who is ready to spend the life of luxury.”
Apparently, being a the son of a “Furtune”(look it up asshole, it’s spelt FORTUNE) 500 company he was unable to find a computer that has spell checker. Which is odd because I’m pretty sure that it started coming standard on computers made after 1993.
Also he mentions that he is “currently the son”, like as if tomorrow, magically, he won’t still be the son of this “fortune” 500 company. One thing I am sure of:
You are currently an idiot.
“I know you might be confused at first, but you will get used to the change quickly as money has the power to do so.”
He claims your small girl brains may be confused at first, but don’t worry ladies, it’s nothing that the power of money can’t fix. What I think is going to be most confusing to the ladies is why he picks them up in a Geo Metro for their date.
“so act fast as i will go through the process very quickly. Beauty is what i am looking for. So a picture is a must less is better..”
Nothing to grand about this last sentence besides the spelling mistakes and poor grammar, but you better act fast before you lose out on such a great opportunity! Be sure to send pics! But I hope not too many reply, as it will jam up his dial up connection.
Get excited. Here comes the best part. Dude says:
“here’s a picture of me at my place..”
Here is my analysis. . . . .

I’m actually really curious as to how many girls fall for this post and respond to him with hopes of living a life of luxury.
Got me thinking. Maybe I should post up something like this. Claiming something ridiculous and see who responds. Example A . . . . . . .(a fake post I made up)

Well I was going to pick out a few more Craig’s list postings, but I think I’ll stop for today. Perhaps if this was a hit I shall continue with my analysis of CL postings. Let me know, comment so.
So ironically with all this Craig’s list talk about how people create ridiculous posting to attract girls, I need a date. Apparently there’s some semi formal company dinner thing December 8th, that I am needing a date for. A lot of the “cool” kids from work are going and it should be a good time, so I went ahead and got two tickets in over confidence I can find someone to go with before then.
Now we all know how well it worked out last time when I made a pathetic plea for a date for Disneyland. . . . I’m not actually asking for a date, but if someone, in theory were free that day and would like a free delicious meal and drinks they should probably let me know.
If not, I got a back up date of taking Mrs. Durst. My friends mom. Seriously.Yeah should be a good time.
Drinking Insurance
Posted by Single Steve in drunk, funny, humor on February 23, 2009
***********old blog, back posting*************
So as all of us red blooded Americans know, a couple weeks ago was the fantastic holiday of 4th of July. Historically we know this as the day we teamed up with Will Smith to beat the aliens.
Actually, I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago. . . .
I had a fantastic 4th of July. A friend was hosting a celebrations of celebrations down in Mission Bay, sporting 1500 jello shots, tons o beer and the promise of good times to be had by all. At this annual event someone is crowned “King Of The Bay”, this prestigious award goes to most ridiculous drunk fool in attendance. Candidates are identified early and someone volunteers to be your “sponsors”. Sponsors are responsible for making sure their candidate for King of the Bay gets as drunk as possible and acts a fool. I was obviously identified early because of my great drinking potential and taken in by last years King of the Bay. Tough shoes to fill, this guy was passed out and puking on himself 11:00am. He tried his hardest, passing me jello shot after jello shot, beer after beer, but unfortunately(thankfully?) I didn’t win this years title as King Of The Bay. That went to co-worker and friend Ryan, who was crowned for his bear like ability to drunk tackle people. I think it’s for the better. There’s always next year?
Although. . . . I did find out my camera is not water proof. Yeah. It’s true. I discovered this shortly after going swimming in the ocean. ISH!
This is when I decided I needed:

But seriously. They have insurance for fire, water damage and earth quakes, but not for drunk “freak” accidents? I’m willing to bet more stuff has been broken, lost, dropped into drinks, or accidentally taken into ocean then fire and water damage combined.
I will gladly pay a monthly premium to said insurance company if they’re willing to cover me for my drunk shenanigans. Although I’m sure my monthly rate would be pretty high since I’m probably considered an extremely high risk liability. Probably equivalent to the guy that’s had 4 DUI’s and 8 speeding tickets trying to get driving insurance. The monthly rate would probably be based on how often you go out a week, drinks had a night and the number of times you’ve woken up with carne asada in your pockets.
The insurance claim would look like this:
See. Simple as pie. Bada Bing, Bada Boom. I submit the paper work, drinking insurance company gives me a new phone, or camera and it’s a win/win situation. Right?
ALSO, I want to be compensated for NON-monetary things.
Such as drunk text messages and drunk dials I made the night before. You heard me:
I want to be paid restitution for drunk dials and drunk text made.
I wake up in the morning, typically on my friends couch with my shoes on, and the first thing going through my head is “who did I text/dial” and “what did I say”. How sweet would it be, to actually get compensation based on my level of embarrassment that I feel from my drunken text/dials from the night before? Not only would it be based on the number of different drunk text/dials sent, but content as well.
For example:

So there it is. This is what I want. All I want is to be covered for my stupid actions when I drink. Not too much to ask?
First Dates
Posted by Single Steve in dating, funny, girls, humor, online dating on February 23, 2009
So here’s the situation:
As we all know online dating is a bust. A hilarious hilarious bust. Yeah laugh it up. Anyways. . .the good news is, me writing about online dating and observational humor about girls is working out much better. I’ve meet more people through myspace, than I have through match and eharmony combined times two.
*Here’s a little fun fact:
About two weeks ago I posted a Craig’s list in Men Seeking Women. All it was, was one of my blogs and at the top I wrote “You could be dating this funny, normal guy with a job and a sweet car!?”. No pictures of me, no description of me, nothing about me, all it said was my age. I got about 15 responses. I don’t know if this is good, bad or average, but I thought that was a lot. So here’s the thing, so some of them seem normal enough to continue with the chit chat via email, we get to the point of exchanging myspaces(I know like third base right), and then communication seems to stop. Always. Seized, haulted, just stopped. For about the five I was emailing to, all five seem to taper off as soon as myspaces were exchanged. Interesting? Any hypothesis? Just something to chew on.
So yes, I’ve been meeting some people through myspace. And I’ve been going out and doing “things” in the real life with said people. Some, just a few, might call these encounters dates. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.
In the last month I’ve been on 5 first dates. That’s right 5. This number may not seem like a lot for you casual daters out there, but please consider it’s me, and this number is extraordinarily high going based on pass history since moving to San Diego. Out of these 5 first dates, I would say I’ve only gone on one second date. Only 20 percent return rate? I mean I had a great time on all 5 of these dates. . . .

Resume
I mean I had a great time on all 5 of these dates, I actually had a lot of fun with all of them. Did they not with me? Doubtful, I mean I’m awesome. Just kidding. But seriously.
Then why only a 1 in 5 chance of second date-age?
Here’s the truth. I don’t want to go on first dates. Well I mean I want to go on A first date, but I don’t want to go one five different first dates. I would have rather of gone out with the same girl five times. Does that make sense?NOT that I regret going out with any of the people I did, no no. Not at all.
Side note: I wouldn’t qualify myself as “dating” anyone right now. That requires multiple dates and making out.
So how did I get myself into the predicament of 5 first dates? I did some heavy analysis and number crunching and I came up with:
I suck.
I suck I suck I suck. I go out on “date” it’s a great time, I think, and then BAM,radio silence. Not because I don’t like said person, but because I’m insecure Ian and not sure if they have an interest in me. So how do I remedy this? I play captain cool pants and don’t do a thing. Nice.
Looking back in my college days, I can’t recall a “first date”. I don’t even think I went on a first date. Things were so much different back then, at least in my dating world.


Maybe I’m just freaking out? Maybe there is supposed to be big gaps between first and second dates? I know it’s my fault for lack of initiative, which is odd because I am captain initiative. At work I tear ish up with initiative, anyone who knew me in college knew I was president of everything and captain go getter, but it seems like girls are my kryptonite. I’m not sure really where I was going with this blog, I actually regret not writing about my New York adventures. Seems like that would have been a better read. Fuck it. You can’t win them all.

Match.com mix up
Posted by Single Steve in dating, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating, rant on February 21, 2009
********Old Blog, Back Posting**********
Before the show, I’ve got some pre-blog thoughts:
OLE! As some of you may know, it turns out I’m actually Mexican. It’s true. It’s also true that I am the token Mexican of my group. You know that guy that’s responsible for saying “Ole”, jokes about yard work and stealing. It’s hilarious, and a good comedy angle for me to use. So I figured ,it was my duty as the token Mexican of the group, to show up for cinco de mayo celebrations in the most obnoxious sombero I could possibly find. Sounds easy enough, right? Well apparently it is IMPOSSIBLE to find a sombero any where in San Diego. It’s not that they were all sold of somberos, they actually just don’t sell them. I spent two hours driving and searching on a epic quest to find a sombrero. I went down to the “Mexican” part of San Diego. I went into, literally, 1 walgreens, 1 CVS, 3 dollar stores, 2 Carnicerias(Mexican meat markets), 1 thrift store and one place I thought was a store but it turned out to the year 1988. This place was selling cassettes and fanny packs, so I assumed it was the 1988 Store. The places I went into and asked them if they carried sombreros, they looked at me like I was speaking Spanish. Well, that’s probably a bad simile, but you get the point.
I guess it makes sense. I’ve never actually seen a “real” Mexican wearing a sombrero, besides cartoons. The only time I’ve seen a sombrero, is on some jackass white guy, who is pretending to be Mexican while he screams things like “burrito!” and “chalupa!”.

I was looking in the wrong part of town! Mexicans don’t wear sombreros! So instead I had to borrow a gardeners’ hat and put Mexican themed labels on it. See below.

It worked out for the best. I think? Details of that night are hazy. All I know is I woke up on a friends couch, tasting of tequila with my shoes on. That’s right, I’m a grown up!
BLOG part:
Times like these I wish I was a better writer because the following tale deserves to be told in all it’s glory.
The follow is a TRUE story. I couldn’t make this stuff up, we all know I’m smart enough. The follow images are un-manipulated, other than texting on top.
So as you know, I am giving up online dating. But since I have 5 more months paid I might as well turn it over to friends to see what they can do with it. Right? Right.
Last week I logged into my account just to get one last mental snap shot of what failure of online dating looks like, when the greatest thing that has happened to me in a long time, happened to me.
At first I wasn’t actually sure what happened. And once I realized what had happened, I almost refused to believe it. I still don’t believe it.
I logged into match.com as normal, but when the welcome page loaded. Something, something was different. Usually my eyes glaze over in preparation for disappointment, so I thought initially that my eyes were playing me for a fool. But after doing that thing where you rub your eyes with both hands in disbelief, this is what I saw:

Those of you playing at home. This is exactly what it looks like. I, some how, through the magic of cyber space logged into someone else account. NO didn’t hack my way, YES I was giggling with excitement that this happened. At first I thought it was Ted or Jackie, who I gave my account info to, and they had changed my profile pic to this guy. I called Ted laughing, I thought it was funny, because I thought Ted was just completely changing the profile to this fake person. Ted had no idea what I was talking about, and told me he hadn’t even logged in once yet. . . . .My laughing turned to excitement. Excitement that this might actually be someone else’s online dating profile. I quickly started taking as many screen shots as I could of this guys profile, all the mean while I was doing that mad scientist cackle. It was great.
I don’t even know how this is possible, but it’s like God himself(or maybe Dr. Phil) came down to me and appeared in a tortilla. But instead of a tortilla, he logged me into someone else’s account. THE BEST PART of this mix up is that this guy is EVERYTHING I’m not as far as online dating goes.
Let’s do a comparison of the initial login screens:


I can’t believe how night and day my profile is, compared to his. The only cynical joy I can get out of this, is hoping that maybe we criss crossed. I logged into his, and he into mine. When he logged in, it must have been a sad day for him to see he only had 27 views and his last wink in 30 days was from a himself. What joy I would have gotten to hear or see his expression as he logged in and saw a 24 year old Mexicans failed online profile.
So of course I had to figure out what this guy was doing right. Right? Wouldn’t you? Now I realize he’s a real person, who exist in real life and by this time you probably think I’m worst than Hitler for not immediately logging off from the profile after the little mix up, and what’s even worst is I’m going to go through his messages!? Well it’s true. I figure, I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s Match.com’s fault. Or maybe, just maybe one of the techno nerds at match.com did this on purpose, so I could see what a good profile looks like.
Initial Messages:
This is where I fail. I’m not good at the initial message. What do you say? How do you show interest but not sound like an over aggressive creeper. Also what do you say, so you don’t get lost in the mass emails I’m sure she receives. Well lets find out what the expert does:

So there’s more messages that I “captured”, but my conscious just hit me. I am feeling increasingly more and more guilty about putting this guy’s, who I’m sure is a nice guy, messages up. I know I know, it’s a shame, but trust me their good material.
I’m going to move on the next part. Which ironically is me actually using his profile for evil. I WAS just the silent observer, print screen-ing all of his messages, but after a while(probably about 6.7 seconds) my cynical humor set in.
How funny would it be if this guy, who’s profile I’m logged into, started winking at guys. Well that’s not really that funny, but when winked at the correct “targeted” profiles, it could be hilarious. Don’t understand what I mean?? See below. I winked at the following two profiles. Let me explain why.


Well that’s it. I leave you with words from our dear friend. I sent myself a message from this guys profile. It’s what I would image he would say:


























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