I mean I hope not, but who knows. I think Justin Bieber is ridiculously talented, and I do have this kid like fascination with dinosaurs. Did you know that having an obsession with dinosaurs is an indicator for autism? I didn’t, but my last girlfriend worked with people with autism and would constantly call me autistic. That’s why I dumped her. Just kidding.

So last week was Valentines day, and I hope you all had a great day. I don’t think I’ve had a girlfriend on Valentine’s day in really long, so I can’t really recall what I “normally” do, I guess what I normally do now is the same thing I do every day. Try, to take over the world. I actually had a pretty good day, thank you for asking. I did, as promise send flowers to 2 random readers of the blog. It made me feel really really, really good.  Just thinking about someone somewhere answering the door and being surprised with flowers, and the feeling of excitement and happiness they must feel makes me smile.  It’s almost the same feeling I get when I’m watching American Idol, and they do the back story on the guy who was raised by wolfs, and his lifelong dream is to be a singer and he sings amazing and makes it through to Hollywood.  You know, “that” moment, where I always seem to get a little teary eyed. So I picked  the winners almost at random. One of the ladies wrote me an email saying she was having a rough day/week/month, so I thought flowers would cheer her up. Another offered to make me baked goods, and it’s true, I do love to eat, especially delicious baked treats. But not sure if I’ll take her up on that offer.  I mean I’m not going to send my address to a complete stranger, that’s just kind of creepy. Oh yeah, thanks to everyone that sent me their address. I find you. Just kidding. Mostly. Don’t worry, the creepiest thing I do is I get is facebook stalking you after you join my facebook fan page. It happens, and I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

So one of the recipients @KatyHaltertop wrote about it in her last blog:
Excerpt from: http://lookwhatkatydid.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/my-funny-valentines/

But I’d venture to say my favorite Valentine came through the powers of the interwebs.  You see there’s a hilarious and kind gentleman that goes by Single Steve.  He lives in San Diego and writes about his misadventures in the world of online dating at his site: www.singlesteve.com Turns out, Single Steve didn’t have a valentine this year and thanks to an FTD deal on Groupon, he decided to use his powers for good and spread a little cheer.  He held a bit of a contest on his blog to decide who to send the lucky delivery to.  I tweeted at him my entry: “You send me flowers, I send you baked goods – deal? #popcornwithcaramelchocolateandbacon #saltedfudgebrownies”.  He also requested addresses in order to fulfill the deliveries. I sent him my work one just for the sheer fact that I could say “Oh these? They’re from my secret admirer/internet stalker” to my coworkers.

Roses are red, carnations are too, flowers are awesome, no matter from who.

Well sure enough, Steve delivered.  And awkward laughs ensued at my desk when they arrived and were unsigned.  A simple card read: “To my valentine – Happy Valentine’s Day! You’re absolutely the greatest! Have a great day!”  I tweeted him a thank you and am still waiting for him to send me his address because I do in fact plan to follow through on my promise of baked goods.  Seriously Steve – take me up on this one.  But these flowers truly made my day.  I’ve had a lovely little grin on all day as people walked by my desk and go “Oh you got flowers!!”  It’s  a fun feeling.  So thank you Steve, for making my day extra special.  Like I said earlier in my tweet, if you lived closer, I’d totally go on a date with you (or at least makeout or something).

(Kidding.)

(Not really.)

This brings me joy.  Knowing I made someone’s day better. It’s pretty much the reason I “write” this blog too. I mean if you read this blog and at some point you laughed, smiled, or threw up on your keyboard, that’s why I write. I mean I’m not getting paid, I’m not famous, but when I get comments that I totally made them “LOL”, it’s worth it. Also if you wanted to make out, as a form of repayment, I wouldn’t stop you. I really miss kissing, and I’m pretty good at, so, I’m just saying, think about it. Anyways, sending those flowers, knowing they made them smile, made me smile. If that’s not too lame to say that, and you’re not puking on your keyboard, wondering when this blog is going to get funny.  FUCK YOU. I told you this blog isn’t going to be funny in the first sentence. It’s not my fault you can’t remember what you read 5 minutes ago. Anyways. Focus.
I spent Valentines day night coaching Special Olympics basketball. This is my 4^th season as head coach, and it is truly the high point of my week, just being around these athletes. They do more for me, and I could ever teach them in a layup or free throw drill. I could probably and should probably have a whole other blog with inspirational moments and stories that deserve to be shared with the world. Unfortunately, this is not the place for those moments. I leave practice humbled, inspired and motivated. There is nothing else I would of rather of been doing on Valentine’s day night, then being there with those athletes. Oh yeah, and then I went out in PB, got shit showed and woke up on a friends couch. Damn you Tavern and your 5 dollars for a beer and shot. Happy Valentine’s day to me.

Speaking of Tavern, it’s come to my attention more recently that I have absolutely no game. Like none. And I think I’m okay with this. I mean I have no problem speaking, talking, and capturing attention. Especially in bars after a few drinks. In fact these are probably some of best qualities, but I don’t feel comfortable speaking to strangers? And that’s not even true either. I don’t like talking to strangers with the intent to bang, if that makes sense.
Here’s a fun fact, which I’m sure will “shock” you. In the 2 million times I’ve been out in San Diego, I have never met a girl. Well, met in the sense of meeting a girl is getting her number, or having romantical moments at the bar, or taking her home. Never have I ever. And I’m actually not upset about this. When I go out, I never go out with the attempts of “meeting girls”. Obviously I’m not opposed to meeting a girl and making out her with, I mean I’m not a eunuch. It’s just that I have no desire to approach a group girls that doesn’t want to be hit on for the 12^th time that night, and attempt to spit some game at them. When I go out the bars it’s always to hang out with the people I know who are going to the bars. Thankfully my group of friends, aren’t the “lets go be scum bags and go troll on every group of girls”. I would do terrible in that environment. In fact, I know I would because it’s happened, and I was terrible. I don’t know what it is, that causes me to go from outgoing, social, hilarious conversationalist to Mumbler McUnfunnystien. I think it’s because, and when I say this, try not to judge me, or vomit in your mouth just a little bit, I think it’s because I respect women too much? I think I heard that in the 40 year old virgin, and I kind of agreed? I hate the idea of walking up to a group of girls and immediately their defenses go up.  I don’t like the idea of starting an interaction with defenses up. And lets be honest ladies, 90 percent of the time a guy approaches you at a bar, your initial reaction is always defensive.  I don’t think it’s a confidence thing, I think it’s a I don’t want to meet a girl in a bar thing. Not saying all girls in bars are terrible terrible people, in fact I’m sure most of them are fairly awesome, but I have rarely heard a story about a guy meeting a girl at a bar and it actually working out to be something worth wild. Prove me wrong PB, prove me wrong. I love meeting new people, but prefer to do it, if she’s a friend of a friend. If she’s a friend of a friend, I’m going to charm her pants right off, and that’s a fact.  Anyways I started this rant of me not having “game” and me not caring slash thinking it’s an issue because I’ve been kicked off eharmony, and don’t think I’m going to continue to do any more online dating sites. Yep, you heard it. I’m giving up on online dating. The ROI on my time spent on those sites is 0. I’ve had little to no success on any of the sites I’ve been on. And I’ve been on all of them, literally all of them, to date I’ve been on Zoosk.com, eharmony.com, plentyoffish.com, okcupid.com, match.com, and  chemistry.com.  So since I’m no longer doing online dating, nor do I think I will meet anyone in a bar, where does that leave me with options to meeting the future Ms. Single Steve? Real Life? Yes.  I like this idea. A lot.

But I will say, my approach to dating girls is all wrong, but I’m not going to change it. Not at all. What’s my approach you ask? My approach is I want to date my friend. I didn’t think this is where THIS blog was going, but I guess this is where we’ve ended up. So, what do I mean I want to date my friend. Exactly that clown.  I want to build a relationship out of a friendship. Not make a relationship, then see if a friendship exist. Why is friendship so important you ask? STOP ASKING SO MANY FUCKING QUESTIONS. Well I’m glad you asked. IN MY OPINION I feel like my best relationships are basically best friendships, with sex. What does that mean. That means I want to develop a relationship out of friendship, because the best marriages I’ve seen, the couples that are still very much in love after 20 years, are basically best friends, as cliché as that sounds. Sorry if I just made you puke in your mouth. That’s why I hate online dating so much, because you focus on building a “relationship” with a complete stranger, not necessary a friendship.  But it’s true, think about the people you know that are still happily married, the other person they married is basically they’re super awesome BFF, who they bang, hopefully. Which is what I want. So that’s my approach, I don’t know if it happens consciously or subconsciously, but every girl I meet, I friend the shit out of them, like it’s my job, I friend zone myself, and then at the point I decided, yep, I would totally like to date you, but at that point she decides were “too BFF”. Which to me is the biggest scam in the history of female/male friendships. 

We can’t date because we “too good of friends”. What the FUCK does that mean?? It means you want to continue to date guys that aren’t as awesome as me, just because we’re already friends? I’m sorry I didn’t try to bang you in the first week of knowing you. Apparently if you wait past the first week to try and bang, you’re too good of friends at that point. I mean I really hope “were too good of friends” is girl code for I don’t find you physically attractive, but I think your personality is the best! Which I’m okay with. I’d rather hear that, then “but then we couldn’t be friends if we dated”.  Granted I understand that when/if we broke up there would be some messiness, but to my defense I am friends with every girl I have ever broken up with, except one.  She’s one of those I think I blew it type of relationships, I just wasn’t ready for it, and now she’s got a new boyfriend, which makes me a little sad? I’m happy for her, and blah blah blah. Anyways.  So that’s my predicament. I want to see if I’d like to date you before I actually date you. As opposed to me reading 200 words about you and 4 pictures of you on match.com, and figuring out if we should date.

I realize there is 102838 things wrong with my approach. I do. Because I’ve never actually had this work, with any success. I’m just saying it would be my ideal way. I’ve actually had my method blow up in my face big time. Remember that time I was “Too Awesome to date”. Here’s the excerpt from my that blog…
********************************
You’re too awesome to date….
Have you ever been told this? I have. It’s not as awesome as you would think.
Back story:
Meet this person through a friend of a friends. She’s fantastic. Pretty, witty, smart, sarcastic, yada yada. We’ve hung out a few times, nothing date like, but we always have had a blast together. Like random epic adventures on a Tuesday type of thing. She’s the type of person where you don’t know if you want to kiss her or stab her, it’s great. Not that we have kissed, or gotten anywhere close, I’m just saying. That’s the kind of interaction I want with my future “mate”, where her wit, humor and sarcasm are keeping me on my feet. It’s keeps life interesting. Ya know. ANYWAYS. So at some point I proposed the question…. “so am I going down the BFF path or the someone you might potential date at some point in your life path?” Literally. Verbatim. The response was BFF path (SWING AND A MISS!!) Which I’m completely fine with and almost expected. I think her and I have a great interaction, and will be these fantastic friends.

It came up through later conversations that she thought “I was too awesome to date”. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!? WHAT does that even mean? Too awesome? Is there such a thing? I’ve never heard of someone being “too awesome”. Can someone decode this for me? What does she actually mean?
I mean sure, there’s a chance I actually am awesome. But can one be “too awesome to date”. Maybe I should tone down my awesomeness?

*****************************************
So yeah, for that young lady and I went down the I’m going to friend the shit out of you path, in hopes she would realize that everything she was looking for was right below her nose this whole time? You know like in those stupid romantic comedies that are ruining my life. The ones were the friends don’t realize they’re perfect together until one of them in walking down the isle, then she calls off the wedding and then runs to the guy in slow motion.

That never happens. Me and said girl were like uber BFF, then the day she got a boyfriend, she literally stopped talking to me. It, was, awesome. Also I stopped talking to her because I was a little heart broken.  I’ve actually had this a couple times, not where I fall in love with my girl that is a friend, but where I have a girl that is a friend that basically only hangs out with me as a stand in boyfriend, and the day she gets a real boyfriend, I get benched. I NEED to stop doing this. Sometimes I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, because of my awesomeness? But anyways, girl defriended me on facebook? Which is pretty aggressive. But I did find comfort in that I ran into her old roommate about a month ago and she said the girl and her weren’t friends any more either, she basically dropped off the earth to everyone once she got the new boyfriend, who moved here from Philly for her I think? Which I feel bad for because this girl and her old roommate were like best friends from forever, and then one boy comes along and ruins the friendship.

I don’t even know what this blog is about any more, but in summary if you’re my friend and you’re a female, don’t freak out and think I’m only your friend because I’m trying to date you. Get over yourself. I’m just saying, in a perfect world, I would like to be your friend first, know everything about you and what makes you awesome, then date you.  It does kind of tie into my theory of If Were Friends, and You’re a Girl, I Probably Want To Bang You.  Wow this was long pointless blog. Congratulations on reading this far. Next one will be focused, and have the word bang at least 37 more times, that’s how you know it’s good.

Join the facebook fanpage, I’m like 3 people away from 1000. It would bring me joy.
http://www.facebook.com/SingleSteve

I’m not really sure what this blog is going to be about, I just haven’t written in a while and know I need to write something soon. People be all up on me, askin me to write. Ya heard. Or something to that extent, but it’s time. Some of you might wonder? How does he do it!? How does Single Steve write his hilarious blogs?? Actually I bet nobody cares, or thinks they’re hilarious, but I’m going to tell you anyways. I have a routine. Step one is to say your going to write a blog then wait a month. Then wait until the last possible time to write it. I usually don’t even start typing until about 11:00pm, because I’m the worlds biggest procrastinator. Step 2 is to have as much media and distractions on as possible. I have a web browser open with my 3 defaults of facebook, twitter and gmail, which I toggle between OCD like every 15 seconds. I have Conan on mute, which is still surprisingly very entertaining, I have my Glee station on Pandora going. Yeah, I said Glee. Yes, I’m straight. Yes, I’m sure. Step 3 is begin word vomit. I open up a blank word document and start with the title. Usually all I need is the title, and the rest seems to write itself. It usually takes about an hour for me to complete my word vomit, which is pretty quick in comparison, it would take me hours to write the same length paper for my class papers. I think this is because when I write blogs I basically just sit down and write stream of conscious style, no back button, no grammar check, whatever brain thinks, finger types, sometimes I check the spelling, sometimes I don’t. I know this drives some of you crazy, but to be fair, I’m a not writer, no aspirations of being a writer, and even calling myself a “blogger” is comical to me. When I started writing blogs back in myspace days, I wasn’t doing it to be a blogger. I was doing it to make my exgirlfriend look like a cheating whore. Isn’t that how all good blogs get started? Now when I write its with the intention of entertainment and to trick girls into mating with me. I mean dating with me. No, I meant mating with me. Not that this blog is anything, this is still small potatoes in the world wide web, but it’s definitely more than what I was expecting it to be when I started it years ago. Calling myself a blogger is comincal to think about, isn’t that like saying I have a level 47 paladin with a plus two mace? Do girls like bloggers? I was at a NYE party this weekend and my friend Nicole introduced me as “Steven <pause for 1.3 seconds>, he has a blog”. GREAT. My chance of them being my midnight kiss went from zero percent to “I might mace him if he gets closer” percent.

Actually this bring me to a very important question. I need your input. Please comment and let me know your thoughts: At what point do I tell the girls I’m dating that I have a blog? Immediately? Never? I’m assuming the girl I will be dating doesn’t know about the blog, because what girl would date me after knowing I have this blog? Actually Another question to the females: Is this blog a deal breaker?

Anyways, I digress, back to the title. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be writing about? Maybe I should change the title to “Word Vomit”, then I could write about anything I want and technically still be within bounds? Okay, okay, back to how “Being Funny Never Got Anyone Laid.”

Realistically I still disagree with you. I still think being funny never got anyone laid. Hear me out. I’m saying in general. I know it’s happened before and will happen again. So please refrain from sending me pictures of how ugly you are and how attractive your girlfriend is, I believe you. Actually you can send me pictures of your attractive girlfriend, I ‘m not going to stop you. Every girl says they want someone funny, I know this because every single online dating profile I have ever read, makes reference to a guy with a sense of humor or being funny. Which to me, is obvious right? Do we really need to state we want to date/mate with someone who’s funny? Isn’t that like saying, must not be a jerk, must breathe air, or must have arms? No offense to anyone without arms. But who doesn’t like to laugh!? I can’t think of a single person who doesn’t appreciate humor. If they don’t like to laugh, they probably shouldn’t be dating anyways because we don’t want to pass on their genes. I think Darwin would have my back on this one.
Listen to what I’m saying “Being Funny Never Got Anyone Laid.” LAID. Laid is the keyword here. I didn’t say “Being Funny Never Got Anyone In a Relationship, Like The Serious Kind, Where You Change Your Facebook Profile”. I’m NOT saying that.

What I’m saying is, no girl on planet earth, has ever been at a bar, leaned over to her girlfriend sitting down next to her and said “OMG that guy across the bar, looks hilarious, I think I’m going to go talk to him” Or “OMG that guy across the bar, looks like a nice guy, with a good job, who would treat me nicely, I think I’m going to go talk to him, what’s more likely is “OMG that guy across the bar, has a bejewled tiger on his shirt, I think I’m going to go talk to him” or “OMG that guy across the bar, has amazing deltoids, and I don’t even know what deltoids do, I think I’m going to go talk to him.”

WHICH is 100 percent fair. Absolutely. Guys do the exact same thing. Exact. Initial physical attraction is extremely important. So what am I getting at. We are all shallow. All of us. At least initially, and that’s okay. And I’m not looking to just get laid because of some physical or personality qualities, well I am, but believe it or not I like relationships, I like being in relationships, I want to have just one forever lasting epic relationship <insert puking in your mouth here>. I know this will pain you for me to say this, but I’d rather be in a relationship than single. As comical being single is for you and me. The bar is only an example, shallowness happens everywhere, and why this whole thing came up I guess is because I’ve seen it translated to online dating. I think? I hope? Otherwise I have no way of explaining how I am in communicating with 672 females on eharmony.com. And it’s not just eharmony, I have zero point zero percent luck on any of the online dating websites. Remember that time I made a fake profile of:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/SanDiegoSam/
I made that fake profile as an experiment to see if online dating was as shallow as I thought. My hypothesis was correct.

For more details check out the blog: http://www.singlesteve.com/2009/03/i%E2%80%99m-too-awesome-to-date/

And some of you are probably screaming, “YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO MEET A GIRL AT A BAR OR ONLINE DATING!”, I can tell you’re yelling because you used Caps locks. At this point you urge me to go out and just do things in the community and meet women doing the things I like doing. “It will happen naturally”, you say. I say shut your fucking mouth when your talking to me. I’m doing that all stuff, and more. I’m doing that like it’s my job. In fact, if I could brag for second, I actually do so much community ish, that I was nominated and selected as a key influencer for San Diego and I will be getting the opportunity to take a flight in a Blue Angel next year. Yeah. You heard right, a Blue Angel!? I’m pretty excited, it’s like uber bucket list type of thing.

I’m not really sure how that fits into this blog, but I really just wanted to brag. You would too. Where was I……I think I was complaining about online dating, wha wha wha. Woah is me type of thing. Anyways I’m over online dating, I’m just waiting for my eharmony.com subscription to end, then I’ll have to find some other way to waste my money on girls I’m not dating.

Speaking of, let me tell you about the last date I went on. It’s the first date I’ve been on in months, I was pretty optimistic about it. Somehow I managed to get through all 17 steps of eharmony, and to an actual date!? So I pick her up, and we go to my default Italian restaurant (I know, I know, I need to venture out more, but to my defense this was kind of a last minute date coordination), we have a bottle of wine with our delicious dinner. General awkward first date type of conversation. I suggest we go to Balboa Nights, she suggest we keep drinking, good sign number 1. So we keep drinking. We stroll down to the wine bar, a block down, where we proceed to have another bottle of delicious wine. Conversations going well, I guess? She’s definitely shy, but loosening up after 2 bottles of wine. We’re sitting close, with one hand on my leg and the other on my arm resting on the table. Things are going pretty well? She suggest we get another bottle of wine…..I tell her, if I have another bottle of wine, I will be unable to drive her home…..with the assumption we would both just go back to my place blocks away….she says yes, lets get another bottle of wine. Dear Diary. So we finish the 3^rd bottle of wine, at this point we were both versnickered obviously. We are actually in such poor shape, I insist we take a taxi for the 4 blocks back to my place, as opposed to the 30 minute epic walk it was sure to going to be at that point. We get back to my place…..I’m pretty excited at this point, like the first time I heard the Beatles type of thing, so we start kissing, well what she considered to be kissing. She was the worst kisser I’ve kissed since 8^th grade, no not you Hillary Volsteadt. It was the worst thing ever, it was terrible, absolutely the worst. It’s hard to explain, but imagine if someone were to just hold there mouth slightly open with no lip movements, with their tongue slightly out. Yeah, I would later compare it to kissing a corpse to my friends. Kissing someone who doesn’t move anything is awkward. And then when she did “use” her tongue, she jabbed it out like a lizard and just kept it out, like she was trying to touch her nose? It was a complete turn off. I went from thinking it was going to be boom boom time, to thinking I’ll never be able to get an erection again. That’s a little dramatic, but after the bad kissing boom boom was definitely not going to be happening. “But Steven, couldn’t you just bang without kissing her??”, I could but then wouldn’t that make her a hooker? I like to kiss. I love to kiss. If I had to pick kissing or sex for the rest of my life, I would pick kissing. Sex is great don’t get me wrong, but kissing can be done a lot more places, a lot more times, and I don’t need to apologize for only kissing for 15 seconds. We continue to “kiss”, until we lie down in my bed in which I promptly fell into a coma to avoid kissing anymore. Of course I cuddled the shit out of her, I love cuddling, and haven’t had a good cuddle in months, so at least that felt good. I never went on a second date with the bad kisser. It’s a deal breaker. It’s not my job to teach a 27 year old to kiss. MAYBE under different circumstances, if I could see other personality qualifiers I would like to pursue. Well try again next time.

Now let me tell you about the best non date I’ve been on in a long time. It was my date for my company’s holiday party. Now date is a strong word, granted she was my “date”, but it was more like she agreed to accompany me to my party. I’ve never had any romantical interactions with her prior, I’ve know her since sophomore year in college. Actually,truth be told, I actually had a super crush on her in college, like ridiculous, teenage dream type of thing. We both worked at the same photography company, I was a photographer and she did some office work type stuff. She’s hilarious, outgoing, goofy, witty, smart, and beautiful. So now you can see why 19 year old Steven had a crush on her. Did 19 year old Steven do anything about it? You better believe it! I walked right up to her, looked deeply into her in the eyes and asked her out. Oh wait, no I didn’t. Now that I think about it 19 year old Steven didn’t do a thing. That’s okay, she’s one of those out of my league girls, that I was just content that she knew my name. So flash forward 8 years later, we both live in San Diego now, kept in contact, see each other every so often at our local alumni events, still just happy she knows my name, So sure, my 19 year old crush for sure went away, because 27 year old men don’t have crushes, but I’d be lying if I still didn’t find her really attractive, funny and other yada yadas. I’m just saying. Anyways I somehow I was able to jokingly ask her if she was going to be my date for my company’s holiday party. I say jokingly because I wouldn’t have the balls to regularly ask her to my company’s holiday party. That way if she said no, I could just play it off as waka waka, I was just being funny Steve. I fear rejection. Which is probably the root cause of me being single, but we can Dr. Phil that issue of mine at a later time. So anyways, I asked her during one of our alumni football events, I was a few beers in, she told me to re-ask/confirm the next day, so it wasn’t just the beer talking. Having a few beers in me was probably the only way I had enough liquid courage to talk coherently to her. When I talk to girls I am super intimidated by, I become speechless, unfunny and tend to make up words. This can be the case with her. I confirmed the next day and she was in. I knew and had no intentions of this being a romantical event, I just knew that it was going to be a blast with her as my date. Which it was. It was the funniest non date, date I’ve been probably ever been on. I’m just saying, it was a good time. Highlights include, a 40 passenger party of me and my other “young cool” co-workers, driving us around from PB to La Jolla in circles while we drink like teenagers on the way to high school prom. I was able to procure a contraband Four Lokos (original formula), as one of many drinks I had on the bus up to the party. Four Lokos actually taste terrible, but I can see why all the kids love it. All I had growing up was boones farm, and I had to walk uphill both ways just to get it. Here’s why I had such a good time:

It was just fun, you know. Like everything about it. I’m sure I started off slightly awkward because I still get extremely intimidated by her, but after our first eleventeen drinks, things got better. One of my favorite parts was the people watching, like we would both see the same thing, and without saying a word we would know exactly the same cynical, hilarious comment that should be made. I could go on and on about things I liked about the non date date, but I don’t want to be a super stalker. Basically after the party we ended up dancing our faces off at Bar West, somehow we got in with an Effiel Tower. After that we went to Mcdonalds and both ordered the same thing, a bucket of mcnuggets. We made our way back to her house, chit chatted for a bit, but then this is when I panicked. I knew from the get go there was no romantical-ness to this date, it was just two fun people doing something fun. Which I was super excited about. I panicked when I got back to her place because it was at the point when I was at her house, drunk, just had an epic night, it’s 2:37am, and I’m thinking to myself, you know what!? We just had a really really good time, why couldn’t this night be romantical?? But then I started thinking, what she must be thinking, I mean she agreed to accompany me as a friendly gesture, so if I start trying to make out with her now, she’s probably going to punch me in the mouth. But then I started thinking AGAIN, I mean, it was 2:37am, she did invite me back to her place, we did just have a great time, maybe she wants to make out with me? All these conflicting thoughts of what’s going on, gave me the panics. Because I then tried to start reading into her actions and words to see what was going on. I mean nothing changed from the beginning of the night to the end of the night, so of course this is still just a friendly get together of two fun people. Which is what my final determination of the situation to be. I do recall, as I was leaving, standing in her doorway, she gave me a long hug, and trying to muster up some words to thank her for the amazing time I had, being unable to look her in the eyes, glaring somewhere near her feet and saying “I’m impressed with everything you do”, she said thanks, and good night, and I about faced and walked away, wishing I could go back in time and say something less awkward. Really!? I’m impressed with everything that you do!? WHO SAYS THAT!? I don’t even know what means!? I’m an idiot. Apparently I thought she would be swooned by me if I complemented her on everything. Not just somethings, but everything. I don’t even know where that came from, it just word vomited out. It was one of those things where your lips move, words come out, and immediately the inner voice in your head is screaming “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”.

What I actually wish would have happened is, I wish that right at that moment as I was standing in her doorway, giving her a long hug goodbye, at that moment, I looked over her shoulder, and looked directly into the camera and said “To the cloud!”. Then I could go to “the cloud” and consult my advisers as to what to say.

I guarantee you that had I had the ability to pause time and go to the cloud, I would of come up with much better last words for ending the date. Oh well.

In summary I had a great time, I hope she did too. So now to your obvious questions, yes, she knows how to read, and yes, she reads this blog. I know me writing about this is a bit much, but that’s how it is. I write my heart on my sleeve, I word vomit what comes out, and I think she understands that. This doesn’t change a thing between us. Not a thing. I mean all I did was write about a good time I once had. And so what if I stole of clump of her hair and made it into a doll and named it after her. So what, big deal. I’m probably going to actually let her read this first, to see if she approves, and if your reading this right now, that means she does. We’ve text back in forth since, holidays hit, our relationship will remain status quo, as it should. As it should. What’s funny, is she’s actually started a blog about her dating woes as well. She says I inspired her, but that can’t be true. I’ll link it later, I don’t want to embarrass her anymore than she might already be.But if I know her, which I think I do, but I probably don’t, she finds this blog more funny, than embarrassing. Her blog is really good actually, but I find the idea that she has problems dating a little ridiculous. Wow I really should have called this blog “Word Vomit”, because I really went off on some tangents for this one.

Happy 2011!

Questions to you:
-At what point do I tell the girls I’m dating that I have a blog? Immediately? Never?

-Is this blog a deal breaker?
You should like my fan page.  And by should I mean, you have to. If you don’t, it’s like stealing.

Now this is a story, all about how, my life got flipped-turned upside down, and I like to take a minute, just sit right there, and tell you how I went on a date that ended in complete despair.

This blog is about a date. What was supposed to be, an epic date. It was date between myself and this other single, attractive, funny, Hispanic, blogger that lives in San Diego. Sounds like my soul mate right? Keep reading……

The Setup

Where to start, where to start…..I guess I’ll start at the very very beginning. The beginning is, how I even stumbled upon her blog in the first place. Good question. I guess it occurred during one of my weekly creep sweeps of twitter and facebook. You know, creep sweeps, where you type into facebook something you’re looking for and see what pops up. Here are some examples:

So yes, was doing one of my weekly creep sweeps, when I ran across her facebook fan page The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single. So, me, being the mature adult I am, didn’t send her an message, didn’t make any actual contact with her, instead I posted about it on my facebook fan page like an 8^th grade child.

The ball kind of got rolling from there. Everybody was asking when I was going to ask her out. This I had to think about, was I going to ask her out as Single Steve or Real Life Steve. The best advice I was given, came from this girl:

We were at a bar, 1, 2 or  8 drinks deep when Kelly told me I need to man up and send this girl a real email as Real Life Steve. So I did. I took the serious approach, for once. Here is the email I sent:

After that we set a date. I was actually nervous and slightly excited. Which is rare for me to feel that way about a date, especially after my last date. So anyway, we then decided that it would be a fun idea to let our readers make suggestions for our date. It was funny because she posted the question to her twitter followers first, and she was getting some really good legit suggestions.

When I posted it to my twitter, this is when I realized my readers might be assholes. I’m JUST kidding, you’re not assholes, most of you, some of you are just funny. Here’s the advice I was given:

So as you can tell I got some really good input about my date. I actually did get some good suggestions on places to go. I knew she liked Italian food and wine, so I made reservations according. I actually made reservations at 3 different Italian places in San Diego. I figured it was better to have options, than to not have options and end up at Peter Piper Pizza and yelling “Surprise!!” I canceled the other 2 reservations hours before the actual date, after I picked out the perfect spot….
The day of the date, I left early work, got my gangster fade, got my car washed and even bought some new jeans, just for this date. Like I said, it was on, like donkey kong. Later, while on the actual date, I remember thinking and probably saying out loud “I got my car washed for this!?”

The Date

I google mapped her place and saw she lived “6 minutes away”, me being narcotic about being punctual, left 20 minutes before I was supposed to pick her up, you know, just incase. I drove by the place, got my bearings and parked down the street. I was actually nervous for this date. Weird. I don’t get nervous. I can present to a group of hundreds with no problem, but one pretty girl and I start stuttering and fumbling my words, and yes, I get nervous.

I pull up to her condo, park, get out, and text her that I was “huuur”. On that note, at this point, we had not spoken a single word to each other, nor had I actually seen more than a side profile photo of her. I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles when you facebook/twitter/stalk/blog meet someone. I’m outside waiting for her, she makes her way down the steps towards the car, I can feel my palms start to sweat. She gets within eye contact range, I notice she’s even prettier in person than she was in her thumbnail of facebook profile picture. Dear Diary, Jackpot. Funny thing about the thumbnail facebook picture, it only showed her upper half, it was at this point I realized I had no fucking idea how tall she was. Turns out she was at least 5’11. Shit. The only thing that could have hindered this date, did. I approach her and give her a “hi hello nice to meet you hug”, of course I had to tippy toe, hoping she didn’t notice the obvious height differential.

Let me start off by saying I don’t have a height complex. Not at all. I’m 5’9 (well 5’8 and a half), and feel like that’s a pretty average height for a guy. In fact, I looked this up. The average height for a man is 5 feet 9.2 inches, and the average height for a woman is 5 feet 3.8 inches. FACT. I am average height for an adult male. FACT. She was 2 standard deviations taller than the normal distribution of women heights.

I’ve dated girls taller than me, not a big issue. It’s just, admittedly, a little intimidating.

*FACT: I drive an Infinity G35. For those of you that think I actually drive a white rape van as described in her blog, you’re idiots.

But I digress, she gets in the car, smells real pretty and we start our adventure. I start driving, on our way out to the freeway we pass her favorite club, she lets me know it’s basically TJ night every night. Sounds awesome. . . .

Our reservations are for 7:30 at Il Fornaio, a recommendation from a reader for Italian, looked good on the interweb.  Here’s the view from our table:

We’re seated, we order a bottle of wine, and conversation continues. I thought the conversation was going well? I’m not sure. She kept interrupting me to tell me about her past dates and how they used to fly her out on their jets, but also how she “wasn’t impressed with that”. I felt like telling her, “well I go on dates with chubby chicks, but I’m not impressed with that”, but somehow I don’t think that’s the same thing.
She also felt the need to keep mentioning how her more recent boyfriend was a TV star. Not only do I not have a jet,  I also don’t have my own TV show. Sorry.

I thought our conversation was going well? Apparently not, we both “checked” phones, and I saw a twitter update from her 2.3 seconds later…..

Awesome. I think it was at this point we both realized this date had gone south, but dinner hadn’t even arrived yet, so we had to stick it out.

Dinner couldn’t come quick enough, AND when dinner finally got there she stole my plate. I’m all about sharing, but she literally took my plate to her half of the table. This is an actual picture of her stealing my food.

She said “By the way, I’m going to steal your food”, so I guess that makes it okay!?

Dinner was delicious, the small amount I was allowed to steal away when she wasn’t looking. We finished dinner, finished the bottle of wine, and both “checked” our phones again. And again 2.3 seconds later I saw her twitter updated with…

I wanted to respond via twitter with “@sdlolo It’s spelled “whack” sasquatch”, but I didn’t. I refrained.Ftw! It’s time to pay the bill and leave. I’m sorry I don’t own a jet, but I’ll at least buy dinner.

We make our way back to her house, just as I’m dropping her off, by some divine chance, Mariah Carey’s “Why you so obsessed with me” comes on, I dedicate the song to her and wish her a good night. I got the old awkward side car hug, which is basically 3^rd base, so yeah, it was pretty good night.

Would I go on another date with said girl?
Yeah, I think we really have something special.

If you want to read her interpretation of the date go here:
Chapter 14. A Leprechaun and Sasquatch

See all these social media buttons I’ve plastered all over my site?? Use them.

Join my facebook group.

Your thoughts? Is she the one that got away?Leave me some comments.

NOW, with that being said, it’s time for me to be a jerk, so sit back and let me tell you about an absolutely terrible date I went on a week ago from the free online dating website okcupid. Well, it wasn’t terrible terrible, but I guess I was just more optimistic about my first date (with a human being) in 6 months. I guess that’s my fault.

So lets set the scene, me, habitual pathetic online dater, I’ve almost completely saturated the girls of okcupid.com. And by saturate I don’t mean I’ve dated every girl on okcupid.com and it’s time for me to move on. By saturate I mean I’ve gone one 1 date, but I’ve probably sent emails to every girl aged between 22 and 30, who I thought was attractive, that lives in a 30 mile radius of San Diego. No it wasn’t all at once, creep, it was over the course of time. Thankfully for me, okcupid lets me know I’ve already sent an email out to said girl, and when I sent it. And once you send an email and don’t get a response, you probably shouldn’t send another opening email. Or maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong? Maybe I need to send 13 emails to a girl before she responds

Anyways, a girl, a human girl, actually responded back to my email! I know right. Making me one for 437. Not bad. I’ve always been told it was a numbers game. Girl and I email back and forth a couple times, and it was decided we were going to go out on a “date”. GULP. My first date date in 6 months, kind of a big deal.

So about the girl, here’s her stats…..

Right? So nothing to be concerned about, just your average girl. Game on.

She seemed interesting and funny via email, but we all know typed words can be deceiving. Like apparently my blogs make me sounds like a funny white guy, yeah, like that.

What did she look like you ask!?

Physically she was um…pretty? Well if you average all of her photos together, she was pretty. What do you mean average all of her photos together you ask? Well shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you what I mean. I mean, good question. I MEEEEEEAN, on okcupid you can post multiple photos of yourself. Said girl had 5 photos. That’s 5 opportunities for me to decide my physical attractiveness to her before our date. That’s IF her photos had all been from the same time frame.

Her 5^th photo was the most attractive, but I feel like that was also the LEAST recent. The 4^th was the next best and so on, until you get to her main profile picture (1^st photo), which looks almost like a completely different person from her 5^th photo.

Yeah, I’m a terrible. Oh well. And it’s not like I haven’t put on weight since the 8^th grade either, but I’m not going to post up a picture from then, trying to pass off like I still might be at my 8^th grade weight. All of my pictures are current and look like me. Except this one.

So knowing that mostly likely she was probably going to be looking more like picture 1, then picture 5, I still decided to go out on the date. HEY! I know what you’re thinking “You shallow son of bitch”, fuck your couch. I’m not as shallow as you think, BUT I think we’d all be lying if we said that physical attractiveness wasn’t important. You have to be physically attracted to the person, at least initially. No girl ever looks across the bar and says ‘Oh my god, that guy looks really fucking ha-larious, I’m going to grind on him”. No girl EVER does that. It’s more like “Oh my god, that guy has massive pecks and a sweet Ed Hardy shirt, I’m going to go grind on him”

I have to light myself on fire and start break dancing, just to get girls to notice me at bars.

But I digress, so after averaging all her pictures together I decided I was attracted enough to go out on a date with her. I mean I haven’t been on a date in Fooooooreeeeeevaaaaar (Sand Lot style), and I thought why the F not. Who knows maybe she’ll be twice as awesome in person?

The Date

The date…..so I suggested dinner and drinks, she seemed excited about the idea. So I’ve got this cliché date I always do, always. I’ve used this same date sequence on probably and literally 10 girls since being in San Diego. Some of them were date dates, some of them were just friends I was trying to make out with. So what’s the date. The date always starts off at the same nice quant Italian restaurant a few blocks from me (in Hillcrest), they have an awesome, and a very intimate atmosphere. After we have a good meal, and a bottle wine, I then I suggest we walk ½ a block down the street to Wine Steals. Wine Steals is a great place to continue the drinking and the conversation, while emphasizing my “grown-up-ness”. As opposed to suggesting after dinner we go down to Dirty Birds in PB and shotgun beers. ALTHOUGH I wouldn’t be opposed to dating a girl that did that, I just don’t feel like that’s a first date move.

Yeah that’s my date move, and that’s how it supposed to work, at least in my head. It never works as planned, I usually blow it about wine steals, which is about the time I start smelling her hair when she’s not looking. I have to stop doing that.

If you’re reading this blog and thinking “Oh shit!? Steven and I went to that Italian place for dinner, and then he suggested we go to Wine Steals afterwards, but we’re jut friends, he wasn’t trying to bang me…… Right?” Wrong. Well I probably wasn’t trying to bang you, but I was at least trying to make out with you. Sorry, I’m not sorry.
And for future girls, that I casually suggest we go to this really good Italian restaurant near my house, it’s actually code for “I’m going to buy you dinner and drinks on the 5 percent change you want to make out with me”. So now you know.

Anyways, focus, THIS was the date plan.

I get to her apartment, give her call, and she said she’ll be right down. Now the time between when she hangs up and she actually gets down stairs is probably the most nervous 4 minutes of the date for me. I frantically, do a last minute breathe and teeth check, I start smashing all the AC buttons to make sure the car is at a comfortable air temperature, and then I nervously flip through the radio stations to find a “cool” song.

She opens the doors, and immediately I notice this is NOT the girl from photo 5, nor photo 4, nor 3, nor 2, nor 1. It’s worst than we feared….much worse……the girl from photo negative 2 showed up (I’m a terrible human being, I know). I’m a little rattled as she starts approaching the car (literally, think Jurassic Park…), but I’m an extremely optimistic person, I thinking I’m going to make the most of this date and maybe well just have a super duper awesome time. Maybe.

(NO I’m not going to show you photos of her, that would just be mean. Although I have shown photos of her to just about everyone I’ve told this story to in real life, so meet up with me in “real life” if you’d like to see pictures that accompany this story.)

(AND for the record, I like girls with a little meat on them. I don’t like really skinny girls, I feel like I’m going to break them, or eat them, it’s just not normal. I like girls that would be considered average to bigger than average, for the record. BUT she was bigger than even I would find attractive)

She gets into the car and she smells of sweet sweet perfume and there was something else, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she definitely smelt of something much different that perfume. I figured it out, but not, till much later….

We make our way to the Italian place, order food, order wine, have an average conversation. Nothing spectacular, nothing terrible. I’m a talker, I can make it work regardless of how little she talked. After dinner I proceed to start progressing towards step 2, suggest we go get a drink at a really classy wine bar about half a block away, she fires back with we should go to Aerobar. Aerobar!? I’ve never been, but I always see it off the freeway on the sketchy frontage road. Going along with her suggestion, we head out to Aerobar.

We get to Aerobar, and it’s exactly what I would expect it to look like. Small, narrow, one bar with some pool tables in the back. The bar is packed, all local older San Diegian type of crowd. We sit down at the bar and order a drink. What she FORGOT to mention is that this place is basically her Cheers. Awesome. I mean I love meeting new people and being social, and I’m really good at it. But she is constantly telling me to wait right here, she’ll be back, and runs off to chat with a group across the bar, it’s starts getting old reeeeeeal quick. I didn’t come to Aerobar to sit by myself, and watch a 40 something couple make out 3 feet away from me like the Titanic was going down. I didn’t. She finally has a seat and we start talking again when she gets interrupted by her phone ringing. She opens up her purse to grab her phone, and what did my little eyes spy that ended any hope of a second date??
Cigarettes. Really? Cigarettes? Who still smokes? It’s the year two thousand fucking ten.

Also she was talking about running a half marathon this year. Um, step one, stop fucking SMOKING. I know I might be over reacting, you’re thinking it was just a pack of cigarettes Steven you don’t even know if they were hers, or how often she smokes. Shut up, this is my blog, I can over react anyway I want. But THEN it clicked. When she got into the car she smelt like sweet sweet perfume and terrible terrible cigarette smoke. FAIL. This is a deal breaker. I will NOT date someone that’s smokes. I did date a girl that smoked only when she drank, and I hated it. She smelt like smoke, tasted like smoke and made me smell like smoke.
Pretty much I stopped listening.  No physical attraction, no mental attraction AND she smokes. Fail. Date could not end quick enough. We get back to her house, I drop her off, no hug, no kiss, just a “Well, see ya later”.

As soon as I got home, I immediately logged onto okcupid, to check her profile to see if she said she smokes….as you can check above, I guess she did say she smokes. FUCK. I guess I was just so excited to get a response message from someone I didn’t do my usually background, profile creep sweep before hand. Smoking was just the straw that broke the camels back, not the only thing that helped me make my decision for no second date. F! I really wanted the date to go well. Well I really want any date to go well.

I hope it’s not another 6 months before my next date. . . I like dates, I like having dates, I like having someone to enjoy this adventure of life with me (not to get all emo on you). But seriously, I’m too awesome, and do awesome things which require a partner in crime. I’m tried of being my friend’s 3^rd, 5^th, and 7^th wheel on their date nights. Oh they say they’re not date nights, but they’re date nights.

So what am I looking for you ask??? I’m glad you asked. I actually have been building a list of requirements for my next girlfriend. Yes, requirements, I’m an engineer, what do you fucking want from me. Basically, I tweet periodically with the hash tag #RFMNGF which is Requirements For My Next GirlFriend. When ever an idea or thought pops into my head about something I would like my next girlfriend to have or do, I tweet about it.

I’ve started the page here:

RFMNGF

Those are my requirements, let me know if you meet those, or know someone that does. That list is growing daily

I’ll mention quickly on the way out of this blog…..

I may or may not have a “date” with this girl next week:The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single
She’s single, blogs, funny,  Hispanic and lives in San Diego!? Sounds like my internet twin. I suggest you become a fan, read her blogs, and give me some tips and advice on how to prepare.
I’ll keep you posted. Also big thanks to Shawn from Ragaboo.com, he was critical in helping me draft the perfect facebook message to her. Check out his blog, it’s most hilarious!

I live for comments. I’m kind of a whore like that.

Invite your friends to blog. I bet they’ll like it.

It’s been a busy week, my liver, wallet and sense of responsibility all hate me.

Let’s start with Thursday.

How to get kicked out of Moondoggies, again…..

You’re probably thinking, “Now Steven, haven’t I heard this story before??” No. Shut up, you don’t know anything about me. And yes, I have regaled you with a story before of how I got kicked out of the ever classy establishment that is Moondoggies on a Thursday night, but believe it or not it happen again. And again, it wasn’t my fault, well it  mostly wasn’t my fault.

Here’s the story about the first time

This Thursday was going to be a big night, epic even. It was the “gangs” first Thursday in a few months, which is a ridiculously long time for us. And you knew it was going to be a big Thursday because there was even a work email sent out notifying the cool kids that shenanigans were going down.

So anyways, I’m 1 to 2 to 7 beers deep at this point, and anyone that knows me, knows I have the bladder of a 12 year of girl. I pee approximately every 17 minutes when I’m drinking. I should probably see a doctor, but I figure it’s actually some type of super power right? I mean my body has the ability to process beer into pee almost instantly. But I digress…..So I’m line to pee, again, probably about 4 people deep outside the entrance to the actual bathroom. My friend Tyler gloriously walks out from the bathroom, says hello, and joking says “Don’t pee on the walls like last time, try not to get kicked out”, we laughed, he walked on. I’m now 3 people deep, doing the pee dance when a guy in the typical “PB Douche” uniform (dark button up shirt, stone washed jeans and backwards black hat) starts making his way to the entrance of the bathroom, disregarding the 6 people deep line. In my head I’m thinking “Alllll hell to no!”, and of course it’s just in my head, because I’m super passive aggressive. As dude walks by he trips on my foot, and stumbles a bit…….JACKPOT…..my opportunity to slide in a sarcastic snide comment, since that’s the only thing I’ve got going for me in this situation as he’s about to cut the line to pee. I sarcastically and smugly tell this douche attempting to cut the line, “Wow, drunk much?”. He cuts back, making a B line straight towards me and says “Excuse me, what?” in a very inquisitive voice. At this point I’ve got some liquid courage in me so I responded like I was talking to my 95 year old great grand mother. You know the style, where you talk slower, and louder and nod your head to ever word. Yeah. I did that. I came back with “WOW…….DRUNK…..MUCH?” Ha. Take that line cutter, I’d like to see him come back with something half as witty. What was his response you ask? His response, kind of caught me off guard, he responded with “That’s it you’re out of here!”. It caught me off guard because I didn’t know random line cutters could kick people out of the bar. Was he making like a citizens arrest, but of people in bars? After further investigation and better lighting I noticed he was wearing a Moondoggies “I work here” type if shirt. Fml. I’m no rookie to Moondoggies, that’s why I know the bar issued uniform is a tan short sleeve button up shirt, but this guy must have worn his other shirt today. Of course. Next thing I know I been shoved through the dance floor, flash light shinning on my head, all the mean while I’m trying to finish my Dos XX before I reach the door. I was tossed. Ejected. Laughing the entire time. All before 11:30pm. Only me. Only Moondoggies.

Worst part is, I still had to pee, bad. I got 24 hour Mexican and called it night.

“I thought you would be white”

Two nights later I was out in PB once again, hanging out with some friends at Moondoggies. Actually there was a streak of 6 days last week where I had been to Moondoggies for drinks for 4 of them. No. You have a problem. Anyways I was at Moondoggies,  when I got a tweet from @mikeythejerk

Mike’s a cool kid from my MBA classes, seems to be out and about in PB more than me. Respect. So those of you not familiar with twitter, the tweet above also included a picture in the message, so I opened up the picture. …

I continued with my night, regretting I didn’t go meet up with Mike and said girl at Shore Club. Especially since I love me some Shore Club.  I was walking to my car down Garnett and I hear a guy yell “Single Steve!” I turn and see Mike’s friend Nick, I’ve met before at a bar crawl. He’s stumbling down the street with this taller, attractive girl, he introduces me to her as “this is Single Steve from the blogs”, she lets out a small excited scream and gives me a big old bear hug. That’s like 3^rd base in my book. She introduces herself as Sarah, she’s nice and bit tipsy.

Ah ha! This was the girl from the photo earlier!  She does exists! And…. she’s a lot taller than I expected. Well, taller than me. I’m only 5’9, so that’s not really hard to do.

Sarah and Nick are embracing, and drunkenly swaying, Nick and I start talking about blah blah blah how was night, blah blah, when Sarah sways over in my direction, still hanging onto Nick for balance and says “You don’t look like I expected you to”. Hahaha!

What!? I asked her what she expected me to look like, she said “I thought you would be white”. Again, what!? Ha! I guess my blogs make me sound white? I feel like I drop the “I’m Mexican, ole!” joke, every now and then. At least enough so people who don’t know me in “real life”, would gather I’m Mexican? Or maybe she assumes Mexican’s aren’t as funny as white people. Which might be true. Which would make sense, because anyone that knows me, knows I’m the worst Mexican ever.

Then she starts talking about “I’m attracted to Single Steve, but not Real Life Steve”, haha! That’s literally, literally a direct quote. I wasn’t upset by her drunk honest comment, I was actually pretty flattered. I mean she’s attracted to this “Single Steve” character she made up in her head, who was white, probably taller and really funny. I actually feel bad I ruined her perception of this Single Steve she made me out to be in her head, by meeting Real Life Steve. Oh well.

And this point I made my exit, wondering how many other readers think I’m white? Or have some other perception of me of what I might look like, or how I would act in real life?

Speaking of twitter, you need to follow me. Not just because I’m an egotistical asshole and the more followers I have the easier I go to sleep. It’s because if you want to know the real Single Steve, I highly recommend it. I tweet many many times a day and mostly without a filter. Where my facebook status are extremely filtered and occur one ever two days or so.

I know twitter sounds like the dumbest thing in the whole wide world, but once I got on it, I’m more hooked than facebook. Yeah. I said it, more than facebook.

Follow me at:
http://twitter.com/SingleSteve

I went on an okcupid.com last week,  it was no bueno. I’ll write about that next.

Thoughts? Feelings? Concerns?

Comment. It makes me happy.

Invite your friends to blog. I bet they’ll like it.

A new year a new blog! Actually this is the second blog I’ve written this year, the first one being part 3 of the PB Millionaire series. But I had a change of heart…..for the moment, I’m giving him the opportunity to shape up.  Basically, I offered my free services to him to help him be less of douche. If he doesn’t respond to my email, I’m going to continue to blast him for the outstanding douche he probably is. I’ll keep you posted….

But let’s get back to the year two thousand fucking ten. First of all,  how epic does that sound? 2010!? I know right. I don’t know about you, but when I was like 15, the year 2010 seemed like a million years away (or at least more than 11 years away). I thought for sure by then I would be a millionaire, married, with at least 2 kids, living on the moon.

Can we pause for a second and talk about how fucking cute was I when I was kid? What happened to me? Somehow I grew up into a nerdy Mexican. Interesting how science and puberty works, but that’s not here nor there. I also don’t know why I used to dream of having 2 little Asian kids. I’m glad that phase passed.

So it’s the year 2010 and I’m not a millionaire, I can’t get a date to save my life, I have no kids (that I know of….), and I live in the gay district in San Diego (which is almost like living on the moon).  Though I’m not upset at my current life situation. Not at all. In fact, if I could travel back in time, I would probably go back in time and beat myself up, or at least get one of the bully kids to beat me up more.  When your 15, you have no idea about the world, you set these unrealistic goals, and then get upset when you don’t meet these goals and you’re not living on the moon married to Kelly Kapowski.

I’m 26 and living the good life. I wouldn’t change a thing. Well, if I could, I’d like to be taller, and be a millionaire…..and live on the moon…..and be married to Kelly Kapowski, but other than that, I wouldn’t change a thing about my life.

Now that it’s actually the year 2010, I think I’m old enough to know enough about life to actually make more accurate predictions. Right? Maybe not, but this is why I’m thinking this is The Year of Single Steve

Why is the year of Single Steve you ask? Stop asking stupid questions. I’m mostly just being optimistic for the upcoming year, but why not. It’s the year 2010, it sounds epic, so why not have an epic year?

Let’s start with New Years Resolutions.

Actually I think this might be the missing link to why I’m single. I’ve had dozens of friends scourer over my online profile, and come back with the same conclusion,  “Well you sound okay on paper”, which I think is mostly true. I mean I have a job, I’m not a jerk, and sometimes I’m funny, I should be hooking up with online chicks all the time right? No one can figure it out. I’ve figured it out. You guys are pussies (excuse my language ladies). But it’s true. No one can actually just tell me I’m chubby. Say it. Say “Steven, I think if you lost 15 pounds, THEN you would be getting dates like it’s your job”. So I’m hoping THIS is the X factor. If not, I can always go back drinking ranch like that’s my job.

This comic pretty much nails it on the head.

So basically I really need to stop doing THAT. Which kind of sucks because my whole philosophy on girls that I date is that they must be friends first. I think that’s important because I feel like really epic relationships are friendships more than relationships. If that makes sense. I’m not trying to get all romantical up on you, but I feel like one day I’m going to marry my best friend. I feel like the underlying friendship is what makes a long lasting forever type of relationship. I mean friendships are fun, and so should a relationship be. Okay, okay, stop puking on your keyboard. I’m sorry I tried to get all deep on you for like half a second. You’re such a fucking baby. Onto number 3.

I also would like to write blogs more frequently. I know I always say that, but this time I mean it? In other exciting news, the facebook fan page has over 500 “fans”. What ever that means. I guess the 17 times a charm for me harassing my friends to join the page. Feel free to invite your attractive friends! I guess you can also invite unattractive friends too.
Click here to join!

I bet you are all wondering who my midnight kiss was….

So I posted this on my facebook fan page. As a joke. Mostly.

And Kevin responded about a minute later calling dibs, unfortunately he wasn’t around when the clock struck zero. But you know who was…

That’s right. Nacho Fucking Cheese. Nacho Cheese will never leave me. So yeah, I didn’t get the cliché midnight kiss, which I don’t actually care about anyways. Well I mean, I say that now, now that I didn’t have one. I did New Years at a chill house party in PB. It was just a small group of friends, drinking, playing cranium, just what we wanted. And they had really good cheese dip, so it was a good night all in all. Which was fun, even though I was sober sally. I know right. I only had 2 beers the whole night. That sounds unpossible, but it’s true.

An interesting turn of events is unfolding as we speak….. I mentioned before I had already written a blog about the PB millionaire and kind of had a change of heart about posting it just yet…. I actually sent the PB millionaire an email here is a portion and the gist of it:

“……………From my outside perspective….it looks like he is this arrogant older guy who parties with girls half his age, who sometimes does “good” for the community. Sometimes. He doesn’t appear to be a good public speaker, dynamic, or interesting enough to have his own reality show. Whether these things are true or not, I don’t know. But based on the information I have access to, this is how he is probably seen. If you google PB millionaire, there is more negative then positive about him out there.

The branding of the PB Reality show has to be able to with stand criticism from internet media and bloggers like myself. Right now he’s easy target.

I want to help. I think I can help with your branding, social media and web content so that the PB Reality show actually comes off as something people would be interested in…….”

Basically I want to help him. I think he’s trying to be a good person? Maybe? But just sucks at it, or just sucks at publically displaying it.

I got an email back from him and his angels today…

I’m not to going to give full details yet because I’m not sure I can/should. But basically… they’re weary that I’m actually there to help, they mention something about lawyers, and I think they even called me a jerk at some point.

“There MIGHT be a possibility of getting your advice in the future, but until all the slanderous, hateful blogs written about Jim and his staff are removed from the internet, we will not even consider communicating with you further.”

It’s kind of catch 22. I’m not going to take down any blogs until he changes his public perception, and they’re not going to let me help him with his public perception until I take down the blogs.

What to do….what to do….

Either way, I’m not concerned about being sued or anything. At best my blogs are editorials opinions based on information HE has posted in the public domain. It would be like if I wrote a bad movie review for Avatar, would Avatar be able to sue me? Or if I wrote Tiger Woods is a jerk for cheating on his wife, could he sue me? Erroneous!
This link makes me feel safer:
http://thedirty.com/contact-us/

I’m genuinely trying to help this guy, but he’s trying to make it difficult. I’ll keep you posted and updated.
Happy New Year!

Comment. It makes me happy.

If I ever wrote a book, that’s what I would call it.
Even if the book has nothing to do being single, and the comedy that is my life, I just think it’s a good title. I wanted to name it “Ernest Goes to Camp”, but apparently there’s already a movie called that.

I always think my life is going to be an awesome romantic comedy. You know the one where the best friends don’t realize their perfect for each other until he’s at the altar, ready to marry a girl who’s a super bitch. And she comes running down the isle just in time to stop the wedding, confess her love and then they ride off into the sunset on ponies. Yeah, that one. Eh, probably not going to happen. Instead my love life is more like the movie Jurassic Park 3, which just sucked. But this blog isn’t going to be a whaaaaambulence, so let’s move on.

Let’s see what to write about…….hmm…..so apparently I’m a tyrant.  Or at least I strike fear into hearts of many. Well, maybe not many, but at least like 6 or so. So from what I hear from the word on the street, there are people out there who are AFRAID to join my facebook fan page. Say whaaaaaaaaa. Yeah. Afraid. Apparently there is fear I’m going to crush and make fun of random profiles of fans of the facebook group.

I don’t know where this irrational fear is coming from, well maybe I do, but I don’t it’s something that should prevent YOU from becoming a fan and following the blog.
You’re probably thinking, “Steven you’re just being paranoid, no one is actually afraid you’re going to make fun of their profiles”. First of all, shut the fuck up. This is my blog, stop talking. Secondly, you say something again and I swear to god I’m going to put your profile on blast so hard….I mean…no…I don’t do that. I mean what I’m trying to say is I’ve heard on multiple occasions people are afraid to follow the blog because they fear I might make fun of them….

I give you Exhibit A:
During one of my daily creep sweeps of facebook I ran across this comment on a friend’s facebook wall…..

I learned 3 things from this facebook post.
1.) Staci is afraid I’m going to terrorize her and her facebook profile
2.) Staci thinks Stephanie is a slut
3.) Stephanie thinks Staci is a hooker

Let’s focus on number 1. So I’ve never met Staci, and we’re not friends on facebook. Not that I don’t think we couldn’t be friends in real life, we just aren’t. She’s read the blog, and has this impression that I’m an uber jerk who goes around making fun of random people just to be a jerk.

She’s mostly right, but what she doesn’t know is I only make fun of two types of people:
1.) Dudes who don’t know where I live
2.) Girls who don’t read my blog

As far as I can tell from your small facebook profile pic that has 3 girls in it, you Staci, fall into the “random attractive girl that reads my blog” category. Which I then would then HIGHLY encourage you read/follow the blog without any hesitation. I wouldn’t even be mad if you decided to start stalking me. I’m just saying, think about it, just throwing it out.

My dating coach better be a miracle worker

As you may recall, I got me an official dating coach.. This person with the handle name of  @onlinewingwoman, stumbled across me and my blogs and she offered her services, sounds like a win win. The process has been going well enough, had some emails back and forth, about my online profile. So I extremely appreciate her insights and thoughts in helping me with my online profile, so when I share with you her thoughts it’s in no way condescending to her. I’m saying this to stay in her good graces, Just in case she still wants to make out with me. But I digress.

She’s has some good insights, as I am going to share them with you:

1.) I smile too much in my pictures
It’s true. If you check my facebook profile pictures you will see the same SUPER cheese smile in 99 percent of my 1000 photos. She wanted me to send her some photos where I wasn’t smiling. I couldn’t find a single photo of me not smiling. This might be an issue, apparently.

2.) She suggested I buy The Game by Neil Strauss
I did. I’m currently on page 2 after two weeks of reading. It could take a while

3.) “Your main problem is that you look waaaayyyy to nice in your pictures”
FML. Looking to nice is a problem!? I don’t disagree. I just can’t do anything about that. Right!? She then said “when a guy looks too nice the girl thinks, “oh, he won’t be able to take care of me in the bedroom” FML squared. Is that really what a girl thinks when she see’s a nice guy?? Because it’s not true. Ask anyone who’s slept with me. I’ve given many of them the best 34 seconds of their lives. Did I mention most of those 34 seconds were in a row? Yeah. So think about THAT next time you see a nice guy. But I do agree, I am lacking a bad boy dangerous element to my game. But is that really the path I want to go down on? (That’s what she said)

I was also google chatting with another friend of mine, telling him some of this advice she was giving me. I told him she thought I looked to nice. His deep words of wisdom:

Awesome. I’ll keep you updated.

Our company holiday party was this weekend. I actually had a date? Don’t worry she was just friend. She was the best date ever, tons of fun. I drank too much…… shocking? I introduced her to the VP of company as my fiancé, she was awesome and went with it. Oh booze. We hit up the photo booth like 100 times. Here is the low resolution (to protect identities) picture of the pictures:

This is the year. I can feel it. The year I get the cliché midnight New Years kiss. THANK GOD my friends are avoiding the expensive hotel party this year. I HATE those things. You pay $150 to wait in line to get in, to wait in line to get “free” drinks (I paid 150 bitches!?), wait in line pee, to wait in line to get into the dance areas. No thanks. And we all go as a group and only talk to the same 15 people we brought anyways. This year were doing a house party, should be a good time with good friends. Problem with that is, since it’s going to be all my friends at this party, the midnight kiss is looking like a null point. I mean if I haven’t made out randomly with my friends now, I don’t think New Years Eve is going to be the difference maker. Should be a great time either way!

So to recap. Don’t be afraid to join the facebook fan page, I promise I won’t make fun of you. You’re probably thinking “Steven why are you harping so much on people joining your stupid little facebook fan page, isn’t that a little vain, you vain son of bitch”. Again. What the fuck did I say about talking during my blog. Do it again, and I will cut you. But, good point. Basically it’s all I got to motivate me to update this blog regularly. If I see new people joining, people commenting, commanding me to write new blogs, I’ll think people are actually interested and want me to write a new blog. Ya dig? Also comments help to…..

Have a great holiday and happy new year! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do….

So last blog I mentioned a scenario about getting a wink from a cute girl the day AFTER my match.com subscription had end, thus I had no way to “contact” her. Sure she might be a spam spot, but considering I haven’t gotten a wink/message from a normal girl in months, I was determined to do something. I let YOU decided what that something was going to be.

I gave you three options:

A.) Epic Facebook stalk

B.) Pay again and re-subscribe

C.) Do Nothing

I also got some funny “other” responses:

But the final results of the online survey are …….

You’re a CREEP

Well, most of you at least. 40 percent of you voted for “Epic Facebook Stalk”. And if you didn’t vote, I’m going to assume you’re a creep anyways, because who reads through my blog and doesn’t comment/vote. Yeah. Who’s the creep now. But focus, I was now on a mission. A mission to sort through the bazillion bytes of data on the interweb to find my potential one true love.

So I did.

Actually, wasn’t as hard as I thought, or hard at all (That’s what she said). Her match.com name was her facebook user name. First result on google.

So there I was, at a cross roads of decisions.

I went through a lot debate, but with the help from a girl saved in my phone as “Lindsey Dave’s girlfriend”, she helped decide to send her a message from “Real Life Steve”. You know this Steve, the responsible one, who’s not an internet A hole. This message actually went through several drafts before I actually sent it out, I was trying to not to creep her out. Obviously I failed..

So that was 10 days ago. I think it’s safe to say, she’s not going to reply. Pretty harsh, I would have felt better if she would have just responded and said “PLEASE STOP CONTACTING ME”. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the blog? Maybe the blog is a deal breaker?

Let’s pretend for second you’re a girl, and you know this guy, who writes a blog, is that a deal breaker for not dating him? Is it like having a lazy eye or something?
Maybe the blog is C blocking me?

Speaking of stalking, I recent got a friend request from a Leslie Parker. She has no friends, was born on April 1^st, 1969. Also she had two profile pictures of 2 completely different hot chicks.  Is someone testing me to see if I’ll fall in love with a spambot? Or maybe someone was trying to see MY personal information/pictures. Hmmm. Sketch.

I’m actually getting expert help with my online dating via the magic of twitter. This person with the handle name of  @onlinewingwoman, stumbled across me and my blogs. She offered her services, sounds like a win win. You should check out her blog at http://www.onlinewingwoman.com

But I’m thinking she’s going to have a miracle worker. I’ve had my online profiles examined, scrutinized and updated by all you jerks many times. So hopefully she knows something you don’t.
What I’m actually hoping happens is that while in the process of reading my online profiles, she realizes that were perfect for each other and we ride off into the sunset together on white stallions. She is pretty cute…..but I doubt it. Especially now, after I awkwardly mentioned my secret plan. Let’s keep it professional. Unless you wanna make. Then I’m in. I’m JUST kidding. But seriously, let me know.

This is my last blog about online dating for a while, I know it can get booooooring and it’s basically me crying for 15 minutes about how I can’t get a date. No one likes that. Grow up.

Three things about eharmony.com before I stop talking about it.

Leave me some comments. Or else.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Tell your friends to join the facebook page. NO I will not stop whoring myself out.

Also I’m gonna start doing this new “thing”, called Single Steve Shout Outs. Basically, I’m such an egotistical asshole I feel like I have the authority to make out shouts to highlight/embarrass people.

Example A: Michelle gave me an idea to write a blog, so she’s getting a shout out:

I blurred myself out to protect my adultness.

I mean who doesn’t like seeing there face where 3 people a day visit. I know I would. Actually people would probably be embarrassed to be associated with this blog, but that’s their fault. But I digress, online dating FAIL.

Sometime I wish these stories were made up for comical reasons and not just my real life. So as many of you know and love, I was doing Match.com. Their promise is, “If you don’t find love in the first 6 months, you get 6 more months for free”. So for 6 months, I tried and tried and tried my little heart out. Shockingly I didn’t find love. I didn’t even go on a SINGLE date. Fuck my life. Yeah. Then I got a girlfriend, and online dating and blogging were dead to me. Girlfriend and I broke up, and I had about 2 months left of “free” match.com because of my failed attempts to find love.

I sacked up, got back on the horse and tried and tried my little heart out once more. Again, shockingly I didn’t go on a single date. Apparently I uber fail at online dating. My subscription ended last week to match.com and I was ecstatic to end that embarrassing portion of my life. I’m still on eharmony.com, but that’s a whole other story…..Well the day AFTER my match.com subscription ended, the oddest thing happened. An actually cute, normal looking girl winked at me. I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but please consider the winks I’ve gotten in the last 8 months:

4 winks. Count them. Fml. And of those 4, 2 were gangster mom’s, one didn’t have a picture up. No picture means, she is probably a he. I don’t remember why I didn’t try and pursue the cute bottom one….probably because I’m an idiot… BUT the moral of the story is, my winks are few and far between. So it’s a pretty big deal when I get a wink from a girl that isn’t a man. I got a wink back from a girl the DAY AFTER, that means I have no way of communicating with her unless I buy at least one more month of match.com, which is 34.99. The money isn’t the issue, it’s the principle of it. I heard she might be spam bot sent by the clever people at match.com to suck me back in. Is this possible?

But then how desperate is it of me to join for at least another month on the slight possibility that this girl didn’t accident wink at me. Ugh.

So here’s my options.

Lets take a poll.
What should I do:
[polldaddy poll=2248930]
At least I still have eharmony.com right? Wrong. That online dating service is going even worst, believe it or not.
Let me explain how it works, so everyone knows what I’m rambling about. Eharmony.com is different from match.com in that, you don’t have the ability to “search” for girls, a computer somewhere in the back room matches your profiles up based on some test you took when you first signed up for the site. I’m fine with that, no issues.

So it “matches” you up, and from there you then have 4 steps to get through before you are finally in “Open Communication” which is basically sending messages back and forth.
The first step is exchanging profiles, Second step is ending multiple choice questions from a pre-selected list of questions and answers. Third step is sending your likes and dislikes. Fourth step is sending questions from a pre-selected list, but you answer in actually text. Final step is “Open Communication” which is basically sending messages back and forth, this is the promise land for eharmony.com. I haven’t gotten that far yet with any girl, which is awesome. Each step is sequential, so once the ball is in her court, there is nothing I can do. I’ll send my profile over and wait..and wait….and if she likes it she sends over questions, if not, I have to keep waiting and waiting.

You’re probably thinking, well you’ve only probably been in communication with a couple girls, you hang in there, she’ll come along. False. I am currently in communication with 100 girls. Yes. 100. AND another 164 have already closed communications with me. So 264 girls have been matched with me, 164 shut me down, 100 are still in process. Of those 100, 97 are still in stage 1. Stage one is exchanging profiles. REALLY!? I can’t even get to the multiple choice questions? The ball is in their court for 97 ladies. Now I just play the waiting game….

fml. The photo below is not photoshopped.  Unfortunately.

Anyone else doing eharmony.com? Is this typical to be in “Communication” with so many people? Is it typical to be waiting on so many people to respond back to you?

Comment and let me know your thoughts.
Tell your friends to join the facebook page. NO I will not stop whoring myself out.

Halloween has come and gone, and people have been begging me to update my happenings since. Well that’s not true, no one actually asked me anything, but I’m going to fucking tell you anyways. Sorry, I know, no need to swear.

My Halloween actually wasn’t all to wild and crazy kids. I was in Washington DC for work, at an engineering conference where I was the “grown up”. I know right. Me, the “grown up”. I gave some workshops, did some company recruiting, did some binge drinking, a good time had by all.

Actually here’s a secret between you and me, I had to a give a workshop to about 40 student engineers one day of the conference at 3:45 in the afternoon, apparently I went out a little too big the night before because I still hung over and felt like death. No worries, I totally rocked the presentation, but ran to bathroom and puked 2.5 seconds after it ended. Yeah, I’m an adult. Public speaking is my specialty, probably my best skill, regardless of what state my liver is in. And that’s a fact.

My Halloween was interesting…moral of the story is I walked back to my hotel 2 miles in the rain at 5:00am in a short sleeve shirt, in the city where I had no idea where I was going. I was navigating on the rising sun back to my hotel.  Unfortunately the story isn’t as awesome as your hoping. I wasn’t doing the walk of shame because I just hooked up with major babes, nope. I was walking back to my hotel at 5:00am because that was a better option than waking up on a strangers couch dressed as Space Ghost. I walked into my hotel where students were gathering in the lobby to catch their shuttles for the airport. They were probably wondering why the guy that interviewed them yesterday was stumbling in at 6am, soaking wet in a short sleeve shirt. Me too. Me too….

I got back to San Diego and immediately saw a flood of Facebook albums bursting with Halloween photos. And me being the creep I am, of course went through all of them. I pulled out a few to make fun of, sorry if you know these people. Remember I’m “Single Steve”, just a internet personality, who’s kind of dick.

For your pleasure: