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Epic Date. Epic Fail.
Posted by admin in Uncategorized on March 5, 2010
*DISCLAIMER** This is MY interpretation of this date. The following is based on a true story. My life. Please keep in mind this is a blog on the interweb. I DO NOT want you commenting on her facebook/twitter/blog/etc negative things, I’m not looking to start a blog war. Feel free to comment on this blog, in fact, I insist you do. This is only a blog. Grow up.
Now this is a story, all about how, my life got flipped-turned upside down, and I like to take a minute, just sit right there, and tell you how I went on a date that ended in complete despair.
This blog is about a date. What was supposed to be, an epic date. It was date between myself and this other single, attractive, funny, Hispanic, blogger that lives in San Diego. Sounds like my soul mate right? Keep reading……
The Setup
Where to start, where to start…..I guess I’ll start at the very very beginning. The beginning is, how I even stumbled upon her blog in the first place. Good question. I guess it occurred during one of my weekly creep sweeps of twitter and facebook. You know, creep sweeps, where you type into facebook something you’re looking for and see what pops up. Here are some examples:
So yes, was doing one of my weekly creep sweeps, when I ran across her facebook fan page The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single. So, me, being the mature adult I am, didn’t send her an message, didn’t make any actual contact with her, instead I posted about it on my facebook fan page like an 8th grade child.
The ball kind of got rolling from there. Everybody was asking when I was going to ask her out. This I had to think about, was I going to ask her out as Single Steve or Real Life Steve. The best advice I was given, came from this girl:
We were at a bar, 1, 2 or 8 drinks deep when Kelly told me I need to man up and send this girl a real email as Real Life Steve. So I did. I took the serious approach, for once. Here is the email I sent:
After that we set a date. I was actually nervous and slightly excited. Which is rare for me to feel that way about a date, especially after my last date. So anyway, we then decided that it would be a fun idea to let our readers make suggestions for our date. It was funny because she posted the question to her twitter followers first, and she was getting some really good legit suggestions.
When I posted it to my twitter, this is when I realized my readers might be assholes. I’m JUST kidding, you’re not assholes, most of you, some of you are just funny. Here’s the advice I was given:
So as you can tell I got some really good input about my date. I actually did get some good suggestions on places to go. I knew she liked Italian food and wine, so I made reservations according. I actually made reservations at 3 different Italian places in San Diego. I figured it was better to have options, than to not have options and end up at Peter Piper Pizza and yelling “Surprise!!” I canceled the other 2 reservations hours before the actual date, after I picked out the perfect spot….
The day of the date, I left early work, got my gangster fade, got my car washed and even bought some new jeans, just for this date. Like I said, it was on, like donkey kong. Later, while on the actual date, I remember thinking and probably saying out loud “I got my car washed for this!?”
The Date
I google mapped her place and saw she lived “6 minutes away”, me being narcotic about being punctual, left 20 minutes before I was supposed to pick her up, you know, just incase. I drove by the place, got my bearings and parked down the street. I was actually nervous for this date. Weird. I don’t get nervous. I can present to a group of hundreds with no problem, but one pretty girl and I start stuttering and fumbling my words, and yes, I get nervous.
I pull up to her condo, park, get out, and text her that I was “huuur”. On that note, at this point, we had not spoken a single word to each other, nor had I actually seen more than a side profile photo of her. I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles when you facebook/twitter/stalk/blog meet someone. I’m outside waiting for her, she makes her way down the steps towards the car, I can feel my palms start to sweat. She gets within eye contact range, I notice she’s even prettier in person than she was in her thumbnail of facebook profile picture. Dear Diary, Jackpot. Funny thing about the thumbnail facebook picture, it only showed her upper half, it was at this point I realized I had no fucking idea how tall she was. Turns out she was at least 5’11. Shit. The only thing that could have hindered this date, did. I approach her and give her a “hi hello nice to meet you hug”, of course I had to tippy toe, hoping she didn’t notice the obvious height differential.
Let me start off by saying I don’t have a height complex. Not at all. I’m 5’9 (well 5’8 and a half), and feel like that’s a pretty average height for a guy. In fact, I looked this up. The average height for a man is 5 feet 9.2 inches, and the average height for a woman is 5 feet 3.8 inches. FACT. I am average height for an adult male. FACT. She was 2 standard deviations taller than the normal distribution of women heights.
I’ve dated girls taller than me, not a big issue. It’s just, admittedly, a little intimidating.
*FACT: I drive an Infinity G35. For those of you that think I actually drive a white rape van as described in her blog, you’re idiots.
But I digress, she gets in the car, smells real pretty and we start our adventure. I start driving, on our way out to the freeway we pass her favorite club, she lets me know it’s basically TJ night every night. Sounds awesome. . . .
Our reservations are for 7:30 at Il Fornaio, a recommendation from a reader for Italian, looked good on the interweb. Here’s the view from our table:
We’re seated, we order a bottle of wine, and conversation continues. I thought the conversation was going well? I’m not sure. She kept interrupting me to tell me about her past dates and how they used to fly her out on their jets, but also how she “wasn’t impressed with that”. I felt like telling her, “well I go on dates with chubby chicks, but I’m not impressed with that”, but somehow I don’t think that’s the same thing.
She also felt the need to keep mentioning how her more recent boyfriend was a TV star. Not only do I not have a jet, I also don’t have my own TV show. Sorry.
I thought our conversation was going well? Apparently not, we both “checked” phones, and I saw a twitter update from her 2.3 seconds later…..
Awesome. I think it was at this point we both realized this date had gone south, but dinner hadn’t even arrived yet, so we had to stick it out.
Dinner couldn’t come quick enough, AND when dinner finally got there she stole my plate. I’m all about sharing, but she literally took my plate to her half of the table. This is an actual picture of her stealing my food.
She said “By the way, I’m going to steal your food”, so I guess that makes it okay!?
Dinner was delicious, the small amount I was allowed to steal away when she wasn’t looking. We finished dinner, finished the bottle of wine, and both “checked” our phones again. And again 2.3 seconds later I saw her twitter updated with…
I wanted to respond via twitter with “@sdlolo It’s spelled “whack” sasquatch”, but I didn’t. I refrained.Ftw! It’s time to pay the bill and leave. I’m sorry I don’t own a jet, but I’ll at least buy dinner.
We make our way back to her house, just as I’m dropping her off, by some divine chance, Mariah Carey’s “Why you so obsessed with me” comes on, I dedicate the song to her and wish her a good night. I got the old awkward side car hug, which is basically 3rd base, so yeah, it was pretty good night.
Would I go on another date with said girl?
Yeah, I think we really have something special.
If you want to read her interpretation of the date go here:
Chapter 14. A Leprechaun and Sasquatch
See all these social media buttons I’ve plastered all over my site?? Use them.
Your thoughts? Is she the one that got away?Leave me some comments.
Girls I hate at bars, part two
Posted by Single Steve in Blogroll, Life, Love, Uncategorized, bars, dating, drunk, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating, rant, writting on February 5, 2008
So by popular demand, and by popular demand I mean one guy asked me to write it, I guess I’ll dive into observations I’ve made at bars about “Girls I Hate at Bars”. As you may recall I’ve already discuss the whoreyness that is “Girls Night Out”, if not please refer to this blog here.
2nd Group: “Because you’re not fucking tall enough already”
Maybe this is just a personal gripe, because I have inferior Mexican genes and stopped growing at the awesome height of 5′8. I know I’m not tall, but I know I HAVE TO be taller than some population of females in San Diego. Even if it’s a minority group, I know the group exists because I’ve seen girls, with my own short eyes, who are shorter than me during the day. At the bars at night, it’s a different story. I feel like when I go to the bars, girls that normally are 5′3 will some how magically appear to be 6′5 at bars. F THAT! They use dirty girl magic as seen in the diagram below.
3rd Group: “Team Asia!!”
Mostly this just applies to my southern California readers and in which case you already know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. This is in reference to the extremely high Asian population and their presence in intimidating numbers. I’m not saying I don’t like Asian girls, I’m just saying where you see one, you’ll see 13. They travel in hordes. I would be less intimidated to approach this horde of 13 Asian girls if they diversified their friends. Like if I saw they had a Mexican friend, I would think “hey they like Mexicans, they even have a Mexican friend to prove it”. But instead I’m thinking “Man, Asian’s only like Asians. See all there friends are Asians.” I feel like I fucking need to know karate to infiltrate this group of girls. Hi Ya!
(I promise I’m not racist. . . . I mean I used to eat Panda Express like 3 times a day in college,that has to count for something)
4th Group: “The Bad Dancer!?”
I love to dance, but hate bad dancers. Seen below is only a few examples:
There it is. Let me know your thoughts. Anyone know how I spread my blog to more people. I want to do more, but not if it’s just for my own enjoyment. Hollar!
Girls at bars I hate, part one
Posted by Single Steve in Blogroll, Uncategorized, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating on February 5, 2008
Alliteration is awesome and hilarious, write that down
This is a realization blog.
1st Realization:
I love bars, but hate girls at the bars.
But you say, “Hey Steven, I’m a girl. I go to the bars. Do you hate me?”. Yes, yes I do. Well I don’t hate you, but rather the “group” of girls you fit into while you’re at the bar.
1st group I hate:
GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!!!
“Tabitha just got dumped by Jason, so we’re all going to go out and just dance. We just want to dance, dance the night away. F boys, F all boys, they’re all insensitive jerks”.
From here you and all your girlfriends get all did up and ready for the bars. But more importantly you make Tabitha, the girl that just got dumped, the most whoriest of them all. You think that by Tabitha being maxed out in her whore levels for the evening, this will attract Mr. Right. I can see your logic in this, but would like to see empirical results.
It’s always easy to find the “Tabitha” of the group, she’ll be the one that looks like this:
This was a tricky one. Though all the girls appear to be equal in levels of whoredom, the open shirt, bra exposed is a dead give away.
Man you guys look great!
At the bars, you continue to form what I like to call “girl circle of hate rays”, this is the impenetrable wall of girls circled up, shooting down any guy that dare approaches with rays of hate that appear to shoot directly out of your eyes.
Why do you get all did up, and THEN act surprised and angry when someone pays attention to you? Yes, I know girls get pretty because they like to feel pretty about themselves, but isn’t that just something they say?
It’s not that I actually go up and approach this group of girls, HA, the hate mostly stems from this group of girls skewing the already poor dude to girl ratio. Though they are “technically” in the bar, they can automatically be discounted from the ratio, for their rays of hate are too strong to over come.
I just don’t see why this group of girls can’t just buy 40’s, duck tape them to their hands and call that “girls night out”. I guess I’ll never understand some things about women. . .
So I’m skipping “groups of girls I hate at bars” groups 2-5 because I have some other realizations I want to get to before my ADD kicks in and I lose interest in writing this blog. I guess I can write about other groups in other blogs? If people want to hear about them? comment if so. Other groups include but are not limited too: “Team Asia!”, “Too hot for planet real life”, “The Bad Dancer”, etc, etc.
2nd Realization:
I love to dance, but can’t dance with girls at bars.
So it’s true, I love to dance. In a heterosexual type of way though. In fact, my mom and I both agree that I’m a good dancer. The only problem is:
I don’t feel like it’s my right to sneak around to the back side of a girl, and start rubbing my genitals up against her. That’s like third base.
Girls: YOU know exactly what I’m saying. So you’re out on the dance floor, getting jiggy with it in a circle with all your girlfriends, when up walks Randy Random Pants behind you and starts “grinding on you”. IMMEDIATELY your creep radar goes off. No girl I’ve ever seen/meet or known, has ever reacted initially excited about this situation. I’ve never seen a girl, with out looking, immediately go along with Randy Random Pants’s advances and start thrusting her hips into what could potential be a disease infested area.
You have to get verification from your friend whose dancing across from you in the circle for the Green Light Larry or the Negative Nancy. Standard girl protocol.
Now I could dance just “next to” or in the same area as the target girl or girl group, but for the brief awkward period in time, I’m dancing in the “loser dude dancing by himself” zone. There’s nothing more awkward than being that lone dude dancing by himself, not sure if you’ll be accepted or rejected, or even if the girl knows your intentions to infiltrate. What’s weirder than “loser dude dancing by himself” zone??? Well that’s the “2 or more dudes dancing with no girls” zone.
I once tried asking a girl if she would like to dance at Moondoggies. She looked at me like I was from Jupiter. Don’t think PB girls are much in the ways of guys that “ask” to dance. I think it’s the more the smash and grab technique.
Any suggestions on how to fulfill my love of dance?
3rd Realization:
Target Audience
I’ve come to the realization that I am attempting to attract a very specific audience. I don’t mean specific as in theres only 1-2 people I am attempting to attract, but specific in that it’s a targeted group of people. I came to this conclusion when one of my friends was making fun of my license plate and my new license plate holder.
As some of you may know, my current license plate reads “Neerd”. I think it’s funny, yada yada.
Recently, I decided to get a pretty aggressive custom made license plate holder. I’m still undecided as to whether or not it’s a keeper. What’s the public opinion?
So guy friends says “wow you’re never going to get a girl with that license plate”. Hmmm. Maybe he’s right? But after actually thinking about it:
That’s just it. If you don’t think this is funny, I don’t want to date you. I don’t hate you, I just don’t think we would be a good match(unless fucking doctor Phil decides to embarrass me more and tell me we have 24 points of compatibility. Then by law of online dating, I would like to date you. . . .) . I mean you don’t have to fall of you’re chair laughing, or even laugh at all. Just understand the sense of humor behind this.
I actually think my license plate is a good defense mechanism. Not that I am having issues in having to fend off girls because I am attracting them too many at one time. Defense mechanism, in that, my car(2006 Infinity G35), in theory, “could” attract girls because it could be associated with wealth(HA, jokes on them), in theory. And those type of girls that “would” be attracted to me because I drive a nice car, might be turned away my boldness of Nerdness levels.
To girls that read my license plate and say “wow that guy must be a complete nerd, and since I’m attractive and popular, I could never date a nerd”. Great, good. We’re agreed. I don’t want to date you either. I think this is the group of “girls” my friend was talking about when he said I was never going to get one because of my license plate.
So maybe my target audience is bigger than I think? But I feel like the girl population that would date a nerd is smaller than girls that would never date a nerd . I’m guessing it’s 25-75 ish.
JESUS this blog is long.
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