Archive for category Uncategorized
Craigs List Losers a go go
Posted by Single Steve in Uncategorized on July 22, 2010
Hi. Hello. Shut up. Stop nagging. I know, it’s been a long time, it’s always been a long time it seems these days. I’ve been busy? Actually that’s not really true. I’m actually the least busiest I’ve been in a really really long time. I’m not taking summer school, I’m not coaching basketball every week, I’m no longer President of a non-profit, I guess I’m just lazy.
Well actually there’s another reason……and when I tell you this, it’s because you’re in the trust tree, so don’t go and freak out, it’s not really that big of a deal, but you should be probably sitting down. Are you sitting down? Good. Well, I guess it kind of turns out I have a girlfriend? No, that wasn’t a typo. I actually meant to type girlfriend. Yeah, she’s pretty awesome, you know for a girl. So yeah, that just happened. I don’t think it’s going to stop me from “blogging”, but obviously you will have to live without blogs having to do with terrible, awkward or embarrassing dates or the process of online dating. I’m sorry I’m not sorry. I will continue to “write”, don’t worry, shut your face. I won’t be writing about her though, she already told me she would smash my face in, if she ended up in the blog. Anyways, back to the shit show that is my blog. I took the easy way out for this blog and decided to write about the uber creepers on craigslist.
Craig list is full of creeps. Not as creepy as you guys, but still kind of creepy. Yeah, you, you’re a creep. I mean, let’s be honest, some of you read this blog, this sentence right now, are reading about some dude’s life you’ve never met before. Sounds creepy to me, I’m just saying, but I digress.
Let’s begin
Oh god. I don’t even know where to start. Let’s start with the title
Party all the time – 23 (sun diego0)
I googled “sun diego0”, and nowhere is San Diego spelt with a zero. Nowhere. I can understand replacing San with Sun, as a play on words because of the awesome amount of sun we get, but I don’t get adding an extra zero AFTER he already spelt Diego correctly0.
“hey wuts up stranger hahah”
Either he think it’s funny to misspell “whats” or he thinks it’s hysterical to meet creepy internet girls, yeah, I’m talking about you. Or he might just be an idiot. I’m willing to be bet, he might just be an idiot.
“well im alejandro im an actor and I work n go to school”
I hope he’s in school to be a crash test dummy. This guy doesn’t even believe in capitalizing his own name. Please go to school harder.
“i like to party, to get crazy every now and then hahah also I like to think im my future”
Why does he start laughing in the middle of his sentence. Did I miss his joke? He also likes to “think im my future”?? What the fuck does that mean. Does that mean he likes to think he’s his own future? That sounds like a pretty shitty future if you ask me.
“did I mention im Hispanic,?”
Did I mention I’m Hispanic comma question mark? No. No you didn’t asshole. Did you forget what you wrote all 3 “sentences” above. I feel like he had one of those Ron Burgundy moments…..I’m Hispanic? Question mark?
“mmm well I am im single and yeah that’s pretty much my life just a regular guy that want to find naughty love in a sexy”
I think at this point he bites into something tasty, which obviously prompts the “mmm” creeper sound in his post. “that want to find naughty love in a sexy” , in sexy what!? Finish your fucking sentence. The suspense is killing me. I can only assume he meant to end his sentence with “jail cell”.
Leave me some comments. I’ll write more soon. Me love you long time.
If we’re friends, and you’re a girl, I probably want to bang you
Posted by Single Steve in Uncategorized on April 4, 2010
Hello. Welcome. Have a seat, I’m about to blow your mind with a bucket of awkward hilarious truths.
I’d like to start off with saying my friends are jerks. Hilarious jerks.Well, not all of them, just like 80 percent of them. I thought my version of an April Fools joke would be to change my Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Relationship”. I know, “ha ha ha”, very funny, fuck you. It’s possible. Anyways, here’s the comments I got from my friends.
Jesus! What if I actually DID get a girlfriend!? She would read the comments on my status and probably uppercut me. Is me getting a girlfriend really that far of stretch? I should have just updated my status to read “I’m going to the moon!!” You know it’s possible. You ever seen the movie Might Ducks? Yeah, anything’s possible. Anyways, I appreciate your concern for my facebook status, but that was only a drill. When the real thing comes, we’ll know what to do now.
Anyways……
This blog concept actually was developed out of the blue. I was probably about 87 percent done with a classic Craiglist tool bags post, when I received a random facebook IM from an old friend (ex-girlfriend actually) from a girl named Kacey. Well maybe not completely random because 23 minutes earlier I poked her on facebook. Yeah, I still fucking poke people. I’m five years old, so what. 60 percent of the time, it works everytime. Anyways, we start catching up, how are you blah blah blah, what’s new blah blah blah, etc. I proceeded to ask her “So I see you’re single now??” (of course I knew she was single, that’s why I poked her, I mean….what, I digress) I then asked her how the “single life” is going for her. Her response was she was having a blast. Whaaaaa. I guess it’s so hard for me to relate to other singles that are actually enjoying being single. And here’s why, I think it’s because there’s two types of the “Single Life” experiences you can have.
Guess which experience I’m having. “Ha Ha Ha”….fuck your face. NOW don’t interpret this as I think my life sucks, or I’m depressed. Not at all. In fact, I fucking love my life. A lot. It’s great, I just don’t think my “single life” experience is going as awesome as I think it should be. I’m not saying I want to be sleeping around hooking up with mad hotties, though I wouldn’t be opposed to that, I’m just saying I wouldn’t mind kissing a girl every now and then just to confirm that, yes, in fact I’m still straight.
It’s weird because I feel like you (my naïve readers) think I get more action than I actually do. Which is flattering, but you couldn’t be more wrong if you tried. I was talking to Kacey and this came up, how I think I might be a virgin again just because I haven’t had sex in such a long time, you know medically speaking. She seemed confused by this statement. She mentioned that I should hook up with one of the many girls that “pine” after me. First of all, I don’t know why she used the term “pine”, although she does teach 1st grade and probably has modified vocabulary because of it, but seriously, pine? I’ve never once heard a girl say “Man I pine after him so hard”, or “I could pine the fuck out him right now”, but that’s not the point. The point is, despite popular belief girls don’t “pine” after me, if they did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We wouldn’t be talking about how I haven’t had sex in ….in….in… a very long time. I’m not saying sex is the end all, and I need sex to live, but I wouldn’t mind making out with a girl every now and then. Who doesn’t like kissing? You know who doesn’t like kissing? Bad kissers. I HATE bad kissers. It’s a deal breaker. If you’re a bad kisser, it will never work out. I love how I can just get off on side tangents and rants because it’s my blog. For example, I just remembered awkwardly, that I found out my parents apparently read my blog. Awkward. How awkward that I just mentioned I haven’t had sex in a long time. How awkward that they might be reading this sentence right now. Exactly.
Anyways, where was I? That’s right, making out with chicks. Which got me thinking, why don’t I make out with more girls? Or any for that matter. Well who would I make out with anyways??? The answer? My friends. All of them. Well, all of the girl ones. And to be more specific, all of the girl ones who don’t have boyfriends, and who aren’t ugly. See diagram below to see which group you fit into.
Maybe that’s my problem, I make UML diagram to explain to people if I would bang them or not. Being an engineer is not helping me get laid, that’s for sure.
I’m not saying this, like I’m a super creep who wants to hook up with all of his friends, but I’m saying, if you’re my friend, and you’re attractive, I’m probably not going to stop if you said you wanted to make out with me. I’m just saying. ALSO I don’t think I’m the only male who feels this way about his female friends. In FACT, I would go as far and say that this is probably the norm.
I’ve actually seen this myself with my own eyes, I’ve got a scenario for the ladies and I bet either you have experienced this or know someone that has
I recently heard this exact story from a girl friend of mine, that she just got out of a relationship, and within the month, a guy she thought was just her platonic friend, confessed his secret love for her. It happens. And I’m not going to lie I’ve for SURE been that guy once, twice or 12 times. It’s pretty much my M.O. It’s my fault, it’s because of my philosophy on relationships. What’s my philosophy you ask? Well, not to get too deep into it, because this shit’s supposed to be funny, but, basically the type of relationship I’m seeking (eventually), is the epic love relationship. And IN MY OPINION I feel like my best relationships are basically best friendships, with sex. What does that mean. That means I want to develop a relationship out of friendship, because the best marriages I’ve seen, the couples that are still very much in love after 20 years, are basically best friends, as cliché as that sounds. That’s why I hate online dating so much, because you focus on building a “relationship” with a complete stranger, not necessary a friendship. Anyways…
You’re probably thinking, but Steven, I’m a girl, I’m your friend, do you want to bang me? The answer is yes. I mean no. I mean it’s a maybe? I don’t think I want to bang you, I only said bang for dramatics mostly, but I do think that on some level male and female relationships do have a physical attractiveness component to them, no matter how platonic you think your relationship is.
Also stop freaking out, this doesn’t change anything, between you and I. I mean somehow magically we’ve been able to not make out for all these years, I don’t think knowing this information actually changes anything.
Here’s my challenge to all the girls out there that think this is just my own crazy idea about the female and male relationship. I challenge you to ask your “platonic” guy friends, that you think would never think about you in “that way”, something to the extent of:
“Question….would you ever make out with me?”
“True of False: You would bang me if I asked you to?”
“Let’s get drunk and do it, you in!?”
Wait for the awkward pause, see what their response is. Some guys might think you’re coming around and you’re finally asking them out.
I realized I used to the word bang like 100 times in this blog, and I giggled every single time.
Let me know if you agree/disagree or if you had an experience with this.
Let’s be friends!!
Speaking of friends, my annual bar crawl birthday event is planned and in works. April 24th in Pacific Beach, SAVE THE DATE! It’s the 3rd annual and going to be a blast. If you live in and San Diego, and you’re interested in coming (and we’re not already “real life” friends) shoot me an email Steve@SingleSteve.com. I’ll send you the details, and let you know how to get a shirt. I’m always up for making new friends!
Girls I hate at bars, part two
Posted by Single Steve in Blogroll, Life, Love, Uncategorized, bars, dating, drunk, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating, rant, writting on February 5, 2008
So by popular demand, and by popular demand I mean one guy asked me to write it, I guess I’ll dive into observations I’ve made at bars about “Girls I Hate at Bars”. As you may recall I’ve already discuss the whoreyness that is “Girls Night Out”, if not please refer to this blog here.
2nd Group: “Because you’re not fucking tall enough already”
Maybe this is just a personal gripe, because I have inferior Mexican genes and stopped growing at the awesome height of 5’8. I know I’m not tall, but I know I HAVE TO be taller than some population of females in San Diego. Even if it’s a minority group, I know the group exists because I’ve seen girls, with my own short eyes, who are shorter than me during the day. At the bars at night, it’s a different story. I feel like when I go to the bars, girls that normally are 5’3 will some how magically appear to be 6’5 at bars. F THAT! They use dirty girl magic as seen in the diagram below.
3rd Group: “Team Asia!!”
Mostly this just applies to my southern California readers and in which case you already know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. This is in reference to the extremely high Asian population and their presence in intimidating numbers. I’m not saying I don’t like Asian girls, I’m just saying where you see one, you’ll see 13. They travel in hordes. I would be less intimidated to approach this horde of 13 Asian girls if they diversified their friends. Like if I saw they had a Mexican friend, I would think “hey they like Mexicans, they even have a Mexican friend to prove it”. But instead I’m thinking “Man, Asian’s only like Asians. See all there friends are Asians.” I feel like I fucking need to know karate to infiltrate this group of girls. Hi Ya!
(I promise I’m not racist. . . . I mean I used to eat Panda Express like 3 times a day in college,that has to count for something)
4th Group: “The Bad Dancer!?”
I love to dance, but hate bad dancers. Seen below is only a few examples:
There it is. Let me know your thoughts. Anyone know how I spread my blog to more people. I want to do more, but not if it’s just for my own enjoyment. Hollar!
Girls at bars I hate, part one
Posted by Single Steve in Blogroll, Uncategorized, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating on February 5, 2008
Alliteration is awesome and hilarious, write that down
This is a realization blog.
1st Realization:
I love bars, but hate girls at the bars.
But you say, “Hey Steven, I’m a girl. I go to the bars. Do you hate me?”. Yes, yes I do. Well I don’t hate you, but rather the “group” of girls you fit into while you’re at the bar.
1st group I hate:
GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!!!
“Tabitha just got dumped by Jason, so we’re all going to go out and just dance. We just want to dance, dance the night away. F boys, F all boys, they’re all insensitive jerks”.
From here you and all your girlfriends get all did up and ready for the bars. But more importantly you make Tabitha, the girl that just got dumped, the most whoriest of them all. You think that by Tabitha being maxed out in her whore levels for the evening, this will attract Mr. Right. I can see your logic in this, but would like to see empirical results.
It’s always easy to find the “Tabitha” of the group, she’ll be the one that looks like this:
This was a tricky one. Though all the girls appear to be equal in levels of whoredom, the open shirt, bra exposed is a dead give away.
Man you guys look great!
At the bars, you continue to form what I like to call “girl circle of hate rays”, this is the impenetrable wall of girls circled up, shooting down any guy that dare approaches with rays of hate that appear to shoot directly out of your eyes.
Why do you get all did up, and THEN act surprised and angry when someone pays attention to you? Yes, I know girls get pretty because they like to feel pretty about themselves, but isn’t that just something they say?
It’s not that I actually go up and approach this group of girls, HA, the hate mostly stems from this group of girls skewing the already poor dude to girl ratio. Though they are “technically” in the bar, they can automatically be discounted from the ratio, for their rays of hate are too strong to over come.
I just don’t see why this group of girls can’t just buy 40′s, duck tape them to their hands and call that “girls night out”. I guess I’ll never understand some things about women. . .
So I’m skipping “groups of girls I hate at bars” groups 2-5 because I have some other realizations I want to get to before my ADD kicks in and I lose interest in writing this blog. I guess I can write about other groups in other blogs? If people want to hear about them? comment if so. Other groups include but are not limited too: “Team Asia!”, “Too hot for planet real life”, “The Bad Dancer”, etc, etc.
2nd Realization:
I love to dance, but can’t dance with girls at bars.
So it’s true, I love to dance. In a heterosexual type of way though. In fact, my mom and I both agree that I’m a good dancer. The only problem is:
I don’t feel like it’s my right to sneak around to the back side of a girl, and start rubbing my genitals up against her. That’s like third base.
Girls: YOU know exactly what I’m saying. So you’re out on the dance floor, getting jiggy with it in a circle with all your girlfriends, when up walks Randy Random Pants behind you and starts “grinding on you”. IMMEDIATELY your creep radar goes off. No girl I’ve ever seen/meet or known, has ever reacted initially excited about this situation. I’ve never seen a girl, with out looking, immediately go along with Randy Random Pants’s advances and start thrusting her hips into what could potential be a disease infested area.
You have to get verification from your friend whose dancing across from you in the circle for the Green Light Larry or the Negative Nancy. Standard girl protocol.
Now I could dance just “next to” or in the same area as the target girl or girl group, but for the brief awkward period in time, I’m dancing in the “loser dude dancing by himself” zone. There’s nothing more awkward than being that lone dude dancing by himself, not sure if you’ll be accepted or rejected, or even if the girl knows your intentions to infiltrate. What’s weirder than “loser dude dancing by himself” zone??? Well that’s the “2 or more dudes dancing with no girls” zone.
I once tried asking a girl if she would like to dance at Moondoggies. She looked at me like I was from Jupiter. Don’t think PB girls are much in the ways of guys that “ask” to dance. I think it’s the more the smash and grab technique.
Any suggestions on how to fulfill my love of dance?
3rd Realization:
Target Audience
I’ve come to the realization that I am attempting to attract a very specific audience. I don’t mean specific as in theres only 1-2 people I am attempting to attract, but specific in that it’s a targeted group of people. I came to this conclusion when one of my friends was making fun of my license plate and my new license plate holder.
As some of you may know, my current license plate reads “Neerd”. I think it’s funny, yada yada.
Recently, I decided to get a pretty aggressive custom made license plate holder. I’m still undecided as to whether or not it’s a keeper. What’s the public opinion?
So guy friends says “wow you’re never going to get a girl with that license plate”. Hmmm. Maybe he’s right? But after actually thinking about it:
That’s just it. If you don’t think this is funny, I don’t want to date you. I don’t hate you, I just don’t think we would be a good match(unless fucking doctor Phil decides to embarrass me more and tell me we have 24 points of compatibility. Then by law of online dating, I would like to date you. . . .) . I mean you don’t have to fall of you’re chair laughing, or even laugh at all. Just understand the sense of humor behind this.
I actually think my license plate is a good defense mechanism. Not that I am having issues in having to fend off girls because I am attracting them too many at one time. Defense mechanism, in that, my car(2006 Infinity G35), in theory, “could” attract girls because it could be associated with wealth(HA, jokes on them), in theory. And those type of girls that “would” be attracted to me because I drive a nice car, might be turned away my boldness of Nerdness levels.
To girls that read my license plate and say “wow that guy must be a complete nerd, and since I’m attractive and popular, I could never date a nerd”. Great, good. We’re agreed. I don’t want to date you either. I think this is the group of “girls” my friend was talking about when he said I was never going to get one because of my license plate.
So maybe my target audience is bigger than I think? But I feel like the girl population that would date a nerd is smaller than girls that would never date a nerd . I’m guessing it’s 25-75 ish.
JESUS this blog is long.
Buy Tickets to the 3rd Annual Zipparrillo’s Here!
Posted by Single Steve in Uncategorized on April 8, 2006
Pick Up of Shirts:
You will be able to pick up your shirt at the event, and passing them to people we see on a regular basis. If we don’t see you on a “regular” basis, let us know if you want your shirt prior to the event, we will try and work out some way to get it to you!
Go to the facebook event page for details!
*Shirt is subject to change
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