At least he told the little girl “Ear Muffs” before she started.

No you grow up.

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(Image, a dimly lit library, smelling of rich mahogany, me, wearing a satin robe, smoking a pipe, slowly rotating my swiveling plush chair towards you.) Hello, salutations, greetings, please, have a seat, stay a while. And welcome to another awkward edition to my blog.

(Okay, now imagine me naked covered in peanut butter)
For those of you that haven’t thrown up all over keyboard, please proceed. I haven’t written in a while, and it’s probably time to do some more word vomit. People seem to be excited when I tweet “I’m going to write a new blog tonight”, and by people I mean like 1 person. Even though they really have no idea what it’s going to be about, they still seem excited. I think just to teach them a lesson, I’m going to tweet “I’m going to write a new blog”, then immediately post a picture of me naked covered in peanut butter. Yeah, guarantee that’s THE LAST time they get excited I’m writing a new blog.

I’m just kidding, I REALLY appreciate my readers, a lot. In fact, it’s still really weird that people (1 person) even reads this blog. It’s mind boggling, but I’m glad YOU do.

Anyways let  me tell you about a more recently happenings in my life. So I know most of you don’t follow me on twitter, because you think twitter is dumb, well you’re dumb, but you should follow me at twitter.com/SingleSteve, I tweet mostly nonsense all day and sometimes double nonsense when I’ve been drinking. Anyways, if you WERE following me on twitter, you would know that every Wednesday night, I have 6 hours of MBA classes at SDSU. And every Wednesday  I complain about school and how much I hate being in my 2 classes, yada yada. AND every Wednesday I mention how I sit right behind this girl I’ve so cleverly nicknamed “Cute Funny Girl”. You’ve guessed it, she’s cute, she’s funny, and she sits right in front of me. Actually for the first month, I sat on the other side of the room, but I strategically moved myself a few weeks into class, once I overheard her witty-ness interactions with some other classmates. Moving across the room is not creepy, shut up. It’s actually kind of funny, even in grad school, 99.8 percent of the students will sit in one seat on the first day of class, and will sit there for the whole semester. Like it’s assigned seating in second grade. Yeah in second grade you weren’t allowed to move chairs next to Slutty Sally, instead you had to sit next to Stinky Sue. So WHAT, I wanted to sit next to a funny attractive girl, it’s called product placement. I learned that in one my MBA classes, look it up clown. Anyways, the day, literally the day, I product placed myself behind her, we kicked it off. Immediately. One liner sarcastic comments one after each other, back and forth, regarding class, our ridiculous teacher, or the bore-fest that is Managerial Economics. Her personality reminds me a lot of Dee from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, if she was a real person. Anyways, week by week, our friendly banter goes on and on, some might even say it’s flirting. I, of course, find none intrusive ways to test her current relationship status, for example, she came to class one day with scratches on her arm/wrist area, and I made some comment about how if she was trying to kill herself she should try going with the veins, in a funny, I don’t think you actually are trying to kill yourself way. She laughs and says her cats really did a number on her. I said, oh, are you the Single Crazy Cat Lady? Which one of the 22 cats you own was it? She says single yes, crazy cat lady….not yet.  So it was established, I thought, clearly she was single. And for the next weeks after, we kept the banter, kept the jokes, made many references to our single hood.  The weekend before the test, was the weekend of my EPIC bar crawl birthday celebration, which I invited her too, but she declined so she could study for the exam with a study group on that Saturday.  Reasonable excuse.  So at this point we’re texting back and forth, 100 percent in relation to school.

So you know when you first start liking someone, you are EXTREMELY careful with the wording and diction of each text message sent? Or at least I am. You know, you want to be double surely sure, you are coming off funny/witty/interested or whatever the message is supposed to be. Or am I the only one who has this neurotic behavior? Anyways to this point, I had been spot on with our communications. Skip forward to the weekend. Birthday bar crawl. Drunk Town, USA, population 100 people dressed in the same green shirt celebrating me and my friend’s birthday, bar hopping through Pacific Beach. It.Was.A.Great.Day.  Fast forward to the day before the test, I find myself in the library, and about to begin to study for our test. Apparently I met someone on my bar crawl, and was having a text conversation with. Also at the same time, I was having a text conversation with Cute Funny Girl about where to start studying. Sounds harmless right? It would be, if I could operate my iphone correctly and not mix up the conversation threads.

I was literally sitting in the San Diego State library, and started dry heaving once I realized I sent her the “I got real shit faced drunk, met you and don’t remember so good because I’m a douche bag” text. As opposed to the “Hello Classmate! I was wondering if you could direct me where to start this studying, I’m a really hard worker, dependable and a nice guy!” text message I meant to send. FML. And what’s worst is she didn’t even respond to my original question. So now I was dry heaving from anxiety AND I didn’t know where to start studying. Awesome. After that panic attack, I decide it’s time to get serious.  I’m going to third base her. I’m going to add her on facebook. She accepts pretty quickly, and of course, like 99 percent of you do as well when getting a new friend, I facebook stalk the shit out of her. Really cute pictures, looks just as fun and I would think her life would be. Then I see the red flag. You know this red flag, where there’s a photo album, and this photo album has one picture, and this one picture is her and another guy. That’s never a good sign. Never.

But I still cling onto the hope she’s single, I mean, she’s told me and joked with me about it for the last several months, I’m optimistic it’s got to be true.

Day of the test we meet up to do some more studying, I’m thinking today’s the day, today’s the day, I ask her out for the weekend so we can celebrate the test being over.  I ask her what she’s doing this weekend, she says she’s going home to <insert state>, and it’s a pretty big trip, because this is the first time her parents are meeting her boyfriend. GULP. Le sigh. Pit in the bottom of the stomach, activate now. Oh cool, good luck, how long have you guys been dating? A couple months she says. I went from kind of bummed, to just thinking I was foolish? Did I miss all the signs? I don’t think so? I mean, I literally heard her proclaim her singleness-ism multiple times over the last weeks. Don’t really have an answer  for this other than facebook theory. My facebook theory is, she could no longer tell me she’s single once we became facebook friends and I could see her profile and her pictures? It’s all I’ve got. I’m not like distraught over this, it was just nice/exciting to have a crush for a while. Motivation to go to class on Wednesday nights. Saw her tonight in class, same great banter, same witty conversations, see you next week.

That’s all I got. I miss having crushes. I should bring those back. I also miss when I was a 12 year old girl.

So last blog I put a request out for genius new creative ways to meet girls. You guys had some “great” responses.

But I’m not going to do any of those. Unless someone has a baby I can borrow? Or we can make one, I don’t care. Just let me know.  Anyways I’m going to be doing a 2 pronged approach for this little social dating experiment.

Step 1. Cut a hole in the box. Just kidding. The first approach is actually inspired by this:
http://mashable.com/2011/04/20/facebook-ads-for-love/ For those of you that hate reading I’ll summarize. Basically, a guy is taking out targeted facebook ads to find himself a date. GENIUS. I’ve actually played around with facebook ads a little for SingleSteve, but this would be a whole new level of awesome. I’d be curious if it would actually drive in traffic? I mean is there any girl out there that clicks on links on facebook looking for a date? I would need to set up a new site, with “Real” Steve, as opposed to pointing them to Single Steve. I tried to buy DateSteve.com and DateSteven.com, but this guy already owns both, AND used them for exactly the same reason I would have bought them for. Apparently it worked for him, he’s married with a child. So I’m going to need to work out the details of the ads, the landing page, etc. I was actually going to do that this blog, but got uber side tracker by the story above. More to come soon.

Step 2. Put your dick in the box. Except it’s not a box. It’s a deck of cards. And instead of putting your dick in it, you pass out the cards. The idea is pretty cool I think, the companies called Cheek’d. From their website:

So basically I see a hot stranger, walk up to her, slip her my card, walk off into the sunset. She’s so intrigued by what just happened and the clever line on the card, she goes to the website, logs in with the specific card code. We fall in love, and have 1,000 babies. Sounds pretty simple. I got my cards last week, and I’m going to start passing these out. If you guys have any clever ways to pass these out let me know!

So much more I wanted to write, got off topic, blog is super long. I’ll write more soon.  Leave me your thoughts/feelings/concerns.

Dear Diary,

Let’s talk about sex. No not really because that’s awkward. Especially since lots of my family, friends and co-workers read this blog. And if they are, I don’t have sex, hi mom, I’m saving myself for eight pound 6 ounce baby Jesus. Which actually sounds creepy when I type it out loud, that I’m waiting for this 8 pound 6 ounces of baby Jesus to give me permission to have sex again, I mean, have sex for the first time. Can babies even talk? I mean sure, it is Jesus, but still. There was that one movie “Look who’s talking”, which growing up I probably saw at least 37 times. Remind me to watch it again to see if it’s still as awesome I remember.

Anyways. I haven’t been struck by lightning yet, so I guess I can continue this blog.

We’ll start with my last date. My last date was not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven months ago. Seven. That’s like 210 days. And by date, I mean the girl that was the worst kisser ever date. If you would recall

Yeah, that date. I have not been on a date since then. Apparently? I was really trying hard to think back in the last half year because I refuse to believe that to be true. But, according to my calculations, and the online diary I keep at www.SingleSteve.com , it is ridiculously true. I did go on a really good date like activity for my company holiday party in December, you know the one where it ended with me drunk at her door step and I told her “I’m impressed with everything you do”, but I didn’t count it because unfortunately that was more of two awesome people just having an awesome time, apparently. Also we didn’t make out, had we made out, I probably would have considered it a date. This blog was partial inspired by the my lack of dates, and date envy of @CaliBradShaw. She went on an awkward first date tonight, but also replied she hopes her date tomorrow goes better. Two dates in two days!? So at that rate she will go on that 365 dates per year. And at my current rate I’ll go on 1.714 dates per year. She’s going on 212.95 times more dates than me per year. Obviously I exaggerate, and there’s no way she’ll go on 365 dates this year, I mean she’ll probably only go on 200 dates if she’s lucky. Anyways, her talking about her dates got me thinking about my current dry spell dilemma. Well not so much as a dilemma, as it is a crisis. Well not so much a crisis, as is the hilarious and embarrassing story that is my life.

Can I also just tell you, I hate dating. I do. With the passions of a thousand suns. I hate the whole early part of getting to know you, awkwardness stage. I just want to jump to the comfortable 1 month in, fun and exciting stage, where it’s probably not even called dating any more, it’s more of a “relationship”. You know the stage where it’s like we’re bored so I invite you over and we’ll cook dinner and watch a movie at my house. If I offer that same thing to a girl I’m just starting to date, she’s probably going to think I’m a creep who wants to lure her back to my house so I can harvest her organs. I hate dating. Not that I do it, but in theory, I hate the whole process. This is why I like my date my friends you already know approach. Anyways, you have eh dee dee, focus.

Another fun fact: I haven’t kissed a girl….sober….in even LONGER than that. Yep. Did your head just imploded? Can you at least pretend to be shocked. I am? I mean, in principle, I’m shocked. I mean I should be shocked, right? I feel like I’m very kissable, or at least mildly kissable. Or let’s just agree that I’m not a troll. Yeah, let’s just start with I’m not a troll. So it’s true, I’ve kissed girls in the past 9 months, but all the girls I may or may not have made out with may have been under the influence of alcohol. A lot of it. So that’s why I don’t “really” count it. It’s just that when you make out with a girl sober, it’s got a WAY different value, then let’s say making out with a drunk girl that doesn’t know her name. Don’t get me wrong I love me  a drunk make out, love it, but the real test is, would you kiss her sober and would she pretend to know you when she’s sober. That’s the real test. Keep it classy San Diego.

Again, I’m not talking about sex. It’s awkward and TMI. And I mostly just titled the blog that to get your attention and get you to click on the link. But let’s just say it’s been so long, that medically speaking, I might be a virgin again. I mean for the first time, again. You know what I mean. Sorry Mom.  Anyways sex is sex is sex. This blog isn’t about sex. That’s not even what I miss most about being in a relationship, what I miss most is someone to share funny, awkward, epic, inside jokes, awesome, memories with.  I’m not trying to be 30 by the time I finally start sharing memories with someone I care about. I’m not saying I’m trying to get married tomorrow, but you’re never too young to start sharing adventures. I know a lot of you are going to say “You have plenty of time, guys can wait until late 30’s before they get married”, which I agree with, but what does that mean? Does that mean I just dick around by myself for the next 10 year just because it’s socially acceptable? Negative ghost rider. Anyways that’s not the purpose or debate of this blog, this blog is about is about dry spells and your funny solutions to it. I know some of you have gone on much worst dry spells, I just feel like I’m in an unnecessary funk. AND I KNOW you clowns are always going to say “Just let it happen, you’re trying too hard”, you know what I say “Shut your fucking mouth when you’re talking to me”, just kidding, thanks for your input! It’s always valued here at SingleSteve.com! No but seriously, shut your mouth immediately. I’ve tried not trying, I’ve tried trying, whatever I’ve been doing is not working and that where YOU come in.

This is going to be fun, promise. Stop being emo and focus.

I want to try different, funny, ridiculous, interesting things to meet new people? Comment on this blog and I will take the best 3-10 options and actually do them.

Last time I took your input it resulted in hilarious okcupid.com first messages, so I’m pretty excited to see what you come up with.

I’ve already got some good ideas from some people:
-Rent a puppy
-Wear an Ed Hardy bedazzled shirt out one night
-http://www.cheekd.com/

Leave your ideas as comments, and people can vote on their favorites with the thumbs up or thumbs down of each comment.

These don’t need to be, nor do I want them to be, “serious “ ideas in a way that I’m seriously going to be using them to see if meet my future wife, I just want to turn try fun, different, ridiculous, unique things to outside my normal approach of work, school, play, volunteering to meet people.

I had one of those “You can’t fire me, I quit moments”.  So as I’m sure you’re all aware of, online dating hasn’t really worked out for me,  and by hasn’t really worked out for me I mean it’s probably been the worst thing ever.  See www.FuckEharmony.com for details. I did the math it turns out I’ve spent over 1100 dollars on just online dating subscription fees in the last 4 years.  I don’t care about the money, it’s the intangibles of time, stress and grief that online dating has caused me.  Anyways, instead of just doing the mature thing, and walking away, I’ve decided to get a little ridiculous with it before I go.

So my plan is to just start sending out messages to ladies on these dating websites with the whackiest , zaniest, awkwardiest, randomist, messages WE can possible think of. So hear me out, so far, to this point Real Life Steve has been doing all of the online dating. When Real Life Steve sends out thoughtful, interesting, personalized messages to girls on these sites his response rate is about 5 percent. Literally, about 1 in 20 girls I message will message me back. And I’m probably rounding up, just so I don’t sound as pathetic. It’s actually probably a lot lower of a return percentage of emails.  But I figure, I can’t do any worse right? I can’t go on any less dates, so why not send the most ridiculous messages just to see if I get a response? Here is an example of a message I sent tonight:

Not sure what I would say back if they respond, but I guess we’ll get to that bridge when it comes. So here’s what I need from you. I need clever, witty, funny, random, hilarious, messages to send to girls. Did you hear me. I need YOUR messages. Please leave them as comments. I will pick the best ones, and send them out.  Let’s do it.

You’re probably thinking “That’s absolutely horrible Steven, some people on that site are actually looking for their soul mate and true love. You’re making fun and games of it, just for material in your blog? You sir have a hit a new low”. SHUT UP. Shut up, shut up. I mean, thank you for the concern. I definitely took that into consideration.  But then I also took into consideration I’m SO OVER online dating that what’s the worst thing that happens? Someone responds? At the very least some girl somewhere in San Diego got some random message from a guy they weren’t going to talk to anyways, that probably made her laugh?

So the next blog will be your best messages  sent out? And any reactions? Will Single Steve get kicked off yet another online dating website? Stay tuned.

So here’s the thing, Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching at the inevitable speed of one second per second, with every second that passes by. In fact with every word and sentence you read, means the day of hallmark style of coerced love is closer and closer. It’s science. Despite what you may think because of your assumptions of me based on this blog, I actually like love, and kissing, and cuddling, and flowers on a Tuesday, and leaving notes, and blah blah blah, and other romantical things that would probably make you puke in or around your mouth.  You don’t see that side of Single Steve because whenever that side is out, I’m not blogging. Good for me, bad for you. The only side you see is the comical single guy that rants about girls, dating, not dating and Craig’s list. Luckily for you, I’ve been single for months now. Good for you, bad for me. Ah! I just want to write a quick blog without this fucking turning into a novel, can you shut up and let me talk. Thank you. Where was I, oh yes, so I Valentine’s day, coming up quick. I know this may shock you, but yes, I’m still single and don’t think I’ll be having a cliché Valentine, but that’s okay. Valentine’s day is lame. “Every day should be Valentine’s day”, I know that’s cliché and everyone says it, but it’s true. I want to make you my Valentine?  I bought some sweet groupons today for flowers and want to spend them on you. Yes you. I was in a good mood and it seems like a good idea at the time. Basically it was too good of deal not to buy it? I’m not sure?

I’d like to show my appreciation for you guys/gals/other that read my blog. I know my blog is nothing huge in terms of the interwebs, but I’m still shocked, humbled and appreciated that somehow more than 3 people read this blog.

Blah blah blah, shut up Steven and just tell me how you are going to be picking who you are sending flowers to. I’m not sure. I think it’s going to be most creative, funny, compelling, interesting, unique response/request that I get. What do I mean by that, here’s what I mean, you can:
Write on my facebook fan page: http://www.facebook.com/SingleSteve
Send me a tweet: http://twitter.com/SingleSteve
Email me: Steve@SingleSteve.com
Or leave comments on this blog.

As to why you should be sent flowers for valentine’s day.

Here’s some examples:

@DaynaSD spreading the good word

This girl is probably a spam bot

Becca filled this out for her eharmony account. She later got banned

The more and more I type the more egotistical this is beginning to sound, but this will make me feel good, and who doesn’t like getting flowers? Don’t worry you can pretend they’re from someone else. Anyone’s eligible, male, female, near, close, old and young. It’s doesn’t need to be epic, it can be as simple as pick me because I’m awesome. This also isn’t romantical, it’s just an appreciation thing. Because if it wasn’t for the you, right now, reading this sentence, I probably wouldn’t even write. I only write because someone reads it? And for that I also apologize.

I bought a couple of the groupons and I will need to pick by Friday evening, soo…

I hope this idea isn’t dumb? Responses will probably be featured in the next blog? I’m Ron Burgundy?

Well actually there’s another reason……and when I tell you this, it’s because you’re in the trust tree, so don’t go and freak out, it’s not really that big of a deal, but you should be probably sitting down. Are you sitting down? Good. Well, I guess it kind of turns out I have a girlfriend? No, that wasn’t a typo. I actually meant to type girlfriend. Yeah, she’s pretty awesome, you know for a girl.  So yeah, that just happened. I don’t think it’s going to stop me from “blogging”, but obviously you will have to live without blogs having to do with terrible, awkward or embarrassing dates or the process of online dating. I’m sorry I’m not sorry. I will continue to “write”, don’t worry, shut your face. I won’t be writing about her though, she already told me she would smash my face in, if she ended up in the blog.  Anyways, back to the shit show that is my blog. I took the easy way out for this blog and decided to write about the uber creepers on craigslist.

Craig list is full of creeps. Not as creepy as you guys, but still kind of creepy. Yeah, you, you’re a creep. I mean, let’s be honest, some of you read this blog, this sentence right now, are reading about some dude’s life you’ve never met before. Sounds creepy to me, I’m just saying, but I digress.

Let’s begin

Oh god. I don’t even know where to start.  Let’s start with the title

Party all the time – 23 (sun diego0)
I googled “sun diego0”, and nowhere is San Diego spelt with a zero. Nowhere. I can understand replacing San with Sun, as a play on words because of the awesome amount of sun we get, but I don’t get adding an extra zero AFTER he already spelt Diego correctly0.

“hey wuts up stranger hahah”
Either he think it’s funny to misspell “whats” or he thinks it’s hysterical to meet creepy internet girls, yeah, I’m talking about you. Or he might just be an idiot.  I’m willing to be bet, he might just be an idiot.

“well im alejandro im an actor and I work n go to school”
I hope he’s in school to be a crash test dummy. This guy doesn’t even believe in capitalizing his own name. Please go to school harder.

“i like to party, to get crazy every now and then hahah also I like to think im my future”
Why does he start laughing in the middle of his sentence. Did I miss his joke? He also likes to “think im my future”?? What the fuck does that mean. Does that mean he likes to think he’s his own future? That sounds like a pretty shitty future if you ask me.

“did I mention im Hispanic,?”
Did I mention I’m Hispanic comma question mark? No. No you didn’t asshole. Did you forget what you wrote all 3 “sentences” above. I feel like he had one of those Ron Burgundy moments…..I’m Hispanic? Question mark?

“mmm well I am im single and yeah that’s pretty much my life just a regular guy that want to find naughty love in a sexy”
I think at this point he bites into something tasty, which obviously prompts the “mmm” creeper sound in his post. “that want to find naughty love in a sexy” , in sexy what!? Finish your fucking sentence. The suspense is killing me. I can only assume he meant to end his sentence with “jail cell”.

Leave me some comments. I’ll write more soon. Me love you long time.

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Hello. Welcome. Have a seat, I’m about to blow your mind with a bucket of awkward hilarious truths.

I’d like to start off with saying my friends are jerks. Hilarious jerks.Well, not all of them, just like 80 percent of them. I thought my version of an April Fools joke would be to change my Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Relationship”. I know, “ha ha ha”, very funny, fuck you. It’s possible. Anyways, here’s the comments I got from my friends.

Jesus! What if I actually DID get a girlfriend!? She would read the comments on my status and probably uppercut me. Is me getting a girlfriend really that far of stretch? I should have just updated my status to read “I’m going to the moon!!” You know it’s possible. You ever seen the movie Might Ducks? Yeah, anything’s possible. Anyways, I appreciate your concern for my facebook status, but that was only a drill. When the real thing comes, we’ll know what to do now.

Anyways……

This blog concept actually was developed out of the blue. I was probably about 87 percent done with a classic Craiglist tool bags post, when I received a random facebook IM from an old friend (ex-girlfriend actually) from a girl named Kacey. Well maybe not completely random because 23 minutes earlier I poked her on facebook. Yeah, I still fucking poke people. I’m five years old, so what. 60 percent of the time, it works everytime.  Anyways, we start catching up, how are you blah blah blah, what’s new blah blah blah, etc. I proceeded to ask her “So I see you’re single now??” (of course I knew she was single, that’s why I poked her, I mean….what, I digress) I then asked her how the “single life” is going for her. Her response was she was having a blast. Whaaaaa. I guess it’s so hard for me to relate to other singles that are actually enjoying being single.  And here’s why, I think it’s because there’s two types of the “Single Life” experiences you can have.

Guess which experience I’m having. “Ha Ha Ha”….fuck your face. NOW don’t interpret this as I think my life sucks, or I’m depressed. Not at all. In fact, I fucking love my life. A lot. It’s great, I just don’t think my “single life” experience is going as awesome as I think it should be.  I’m not saying I want to be sleeping around hooking up with mad hotties, though I wouldn’t be opposed to that, I’m just saying I wouldn’t mind kissing a girl every now and then just to confirm that, yes, in fact I’m still straight.

It’s weird because I feel like you (my naïve readers) think I get more action than I actually do. Which is flattering, but you couldn’t be more wrong if you tried. I was talking to Kacey and this came up, how I think I might be a virgin again just because I haven’t had sex in such a long time, you know medically speaking. She seemed confused by this statement. She mentioned that I should hook up with one of the many girls that “pine” after me. First of all, I don’t know why she used the term “pine”, although she does teach 1^st grade and probably has modified vocabulary because of it, but seriously, pine? I’ve never once heard a girl say “Man I pine after him so hard”, or “I could pine the fuck out him right now”, but that’s not the point. The point is, despite popular belief girls don’t “pine” after me, if they did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We wouldn’t be talking about how I haven’t had sex in ….in….in… a very long time. I’m not saying sex is the end all, and I need sex to live, but I wouldn’t mind making out with a girl every now and then. Who doesn’t like kissing? You know who doesn’t like kissing? Bad kissers. I HATE bad kissers. It’s a deal breaker. If you’re a bad kisser, it will never work out. I love how I can just get off on side tangents and rants because it’s my blog. For example, I just remembered awkwardly, that I found out my parents apparently read my blog. Awkward. How awkward that I just mentioned I haven’t had sex in a long time. How awkward that they might be reading this sentence right now. Exactly.

Anyways, where was I? That’s right, making out with chicks. Which got me thinking, why don’t I make out with more girls?  Or any for that matter. Well who would I make out with anyways??? The answer? My friends. All of them. Well, all of the girl ones. And to be more specific, all of the girl ones who don’t have boyfriends, and who aren’t ugly. See diagram below to see which group you fit into.

Maybe that’s my problem, I make UML diagram to explain to people if I would bang them or not. Being an engineer is not helping me get laid, that’s for sure.

I’m not saying this, like I’m a super creep who wants to hook up with all of his friends, but I’m saying, if you’re my friend, and you’re attractive, I’m probably not going to stop if you said you wanted to make out with me. I’m just saying. ALSO I don’t think I’m the only male who feels this way about his female friends. In FACT, I would go as far and say that this is probably the norm.

I’ve actually seen this myself with my own eyes, I’ve got a scenario for the ladies and I bet either you have experienced this or know someone that has

I recently heard this exact story from a girl friend of mine, that she just got out of a relationship, and within the month, a guy she thought was just her platonic friend, confessed his secret love for her. It happens. And I’m not going to lie I’ve for SURE been that guy once, twice or 12 times. It’s pretty much my M.O. It’s my fault, it’s because of my philosophy on relationships. What’s my philosophy you ask? Well, not to get too deep into it, because this shit’s supposed to be funny, but, basically the type of relationship I’m seeking (eventually), is the epic love relationship. And IN MY OPINION I feel like my best relationships are basically best friendships, with sex. What does that mean. That means I want to develop a relationship out of friendship, because the best marriages I’ve seen, the couples that are still very much in love after 20 years, are basically best friends, as cliché as that sounds. That’s why I hate online dating so much, because you focus on building a “relationship” with a complete stranger, not necessary a friendship. Anyways…

You’re probably thinking, but Steven, I’m a girl, I’m your friend, do you want to bang me? The answer is yes. I mean no. I mean it’s a maybe? I don’t think I want to bang you, I only said bang for dramatics mostly, but I do think that on some level male and female relationships do have a physical attractiveness component to them, no matter how platonic you think your relationship is.

Also stop freaking out, this doesn’t change anything, between you and I. I mean somehow magically we’ve been able to not make out for all these years, I don’t think knowing this information actually changes anything.

Here’s my challenge to all the girls out there that think this is just my own crazy idea about the female and male relationship. I challenge you to ask your “platonic” guy friends, that you think would never think about you in “that way”, something to the extent of:

“Question….would you ever make out with me?”
“True of False: You would bang me if I asked you to?”
“Let’s get drunk and do it, you in!?”

Wait for the awkward pause, see what their response is. Some guys might think you’re coming around and you’re finally asking them out.
I realized I used to the word bang like 100 times in this blog, and I giggled every single time.
Let me know if you agree/disagree or if you had an experience with this.
Let’s be friends!!

Speaking of friends, my annual bar crawl birthday event is planned and in works. April 24^th in Pacific Beach, SAVE THE DATE! It’s the 3^rd annual and going to be a blast. If you live in and San Diego, and you’re interested in coming (and we’re not already “real life” friends) shoot me an email Steve@SingleSteve.com. I’ll send you the details, and let you know how to get a shirt. I’m always up for making new friends!

P.S. Thanks for reading.

P.S.S. You make me sick.

My Junk

2^nd Group: “Because you’re not fucking tall enough already”

Maybe this is just a personal gripe, because I have inferior Mexican genes and stopped growing at the awesome height of 5’8. I know I’m not tall, but I know I HAVE TO be taller than some population of females in San Diego. Even if it’s a minority group, I know the group exists because I’ve seen girls, with my own short eyes, who are shorter than me during the day. At the bars at night, it’s a different story. I feel like when I go to the bars, girls that normally are 5’3 will some how magically appear to be 6’5 at bars. F THAT! They use dirty girl magic as seen in the diagram below.

3^rd Group: “Team Asia!!”
Mostly this just applies to my southern California readers and in which case you already know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. This is in reference to the extremely high Asian population and their presence in intimidating numbers. I’m not saying I don’t like Asian girls, I’m just saying where you see one, you’ll see 13. They travel in hordes. I would be less intimidated to approach this horde of 13 Asian girls if they diversified their friends. Like if I saw they had a Mexican friend, I would think “hey they like Mexicans, they even have a Mexican friend to prove it”. But instead I’m thinking “Man, Asian’s only like Asians. See all there friends are Asians.” I feel like I fucking need to know karate to infiltrate this group of girls. Hi Ya!
(I promise I’m not racist. . . . I mean I used to eat Panda Express like 3 times a day in college,that has to count for something)

4th Group: “The Bad Dancer!?”
I love to dance, but hate bad dancers. Seen below is only a few examples:

There it is. Let me know your thoughts. Anyone know how I spread my blog to more people. I want to do more, but not if it’s just for my own enjoyment. Hollar!