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Craig’s List All Stars 2.0

Since the last blog about Craig’s list postings didn’t turn out so bad, decided to milk the topic and do it again. Hopefully this one turns out to be more than garbage. Doubtful I know, but worth a try

This first one is a little bit of creeper.

It’s the oldest trick in the book. The old bait and switch. Like when your parents used to tell you that you were going to zoo to ride the hippos, but you were actually going to the dentist. It’s like that, but with this guy there’s a chance you might end up in little pieces.

This next one is “the best there is, period”. This ass clown’s ad caught my eye because it was titled “I am the best there is, period”, such a bold statement. I had to find out what made this guy the best. . . . .

“I am looking for a friends with benefits”, really!? Can guys just say this?
He might as well of said “I am looking for Chlamydia ASAP!”
He posted his myspace link, so I decided to do some hard core sleuthing into the best there is.This is where I discovered our friend was a masseuse who makes a 10.34 an hour. Bling bling!I’m not looking down on him because he makes 10 dollars an hour, it’s more the fact he wrote a blog bragging about this fact. WHAT!?Don’t do that. Don’t talk about how much money you make or don’t make. TOOL BOX. Period.

This one is the bread winner, I almost didn’t do this one because I fear my life if he were to find out I was making fun of this Craig’s list ad. But there is a chance he’s already in jail(no really, read below), and I don’t think they let people in jail read myspace blogs.
Heres the ad(no joking, no editing, no shit)




**insert slow clap here
Yeah, that just happened.
Let’s break this down piece by piece. I’ll just highlight a few key sections.

Starting with the title:
got2go2court 2moro got a dum ass warnt so js incase wasup – 29″

Say what? I did a spell checker on “got2go2court2moro” and surprisingly it didn’t show up. I’m going to need to send an email to Microsoft, to see if they can add that to their vocabulary.

I think this fine young man is trying to say he has a court appearance tomorrow because he has a “dum ass” warrant and this post is just in case. Also he ads in “wasup” at the end. Classy.If that doesn’t capture the ladies attention, I don’t know what will.

“looking perhaps 4 a last lil hera just incase they deside not 2 let me come back home 2moro,plus iv got 2 move out shit just keeps getting wors,looking for someone to help me forget about all the bullshit iv got a pool tabel and a spot dont know 4 how long”

Better act quick! You could be this guys last “hera” as a free member of society. After that it’s only congenial visits. But apparently he has a pool table, so that’s good.

“how could a braud not b atracted to the valumpuis curves and hour glass figure that a thurolly bread lushus lishis tender morsul flaunts with such pride and confidence.”

This is where I get confused. The first time I read this I read “valumpuis” as vampires, and it really didn’t make sense. But then I went back and realized he meant voluptuous, which got me thinking….what the fuck!? Is he saying he’s voluptuous and has an hour glass figure? Seems like. Something about bread? Maybe it makes more sense if he was talking about vampires.

“ummm yyyuummm aaahhh the thaughts that come to mined,any hoot let me know if iv rased any intrest wat so ever,i promis ill bite ,ofcourse unless u dont wish me 2 ,thow i cant promis that i wont try to atleast sneak in a nibble”

At some point he begins eating something delicious and types out the sounds. Or so I gather. He then mentions biting some more, and at this point I am totally convinced he WAS talking about vampires.

“yyyaaaiii iiieeee yyyaaaiii de parte de svjohnybz followed by choptop then spot all 1 word at mail thats hot,without the sv in front in order to better get a hold of mwa i anckshesly await your responce o ya i stay with a wood roomate whos allso lonely i need to get that fool lade before he explodes,so feal free to shoot over with a freind race isnt an ishu”

You had me at “yyyaaaiii iiieeee yyyaaaiii”. . . .
If anyone can tell me what he meant by “svjohnybz”, that would be much appreciated.
This last part gets kind of crazy kind of quick. It’s actually impossible to decode. I’m pretty sure he just starts banging the keyboard with his court sepenia at this point in the ad.

Whew. Well there it is. It’s currently 2:45am on Monday morning and I have to be at work by 8:30. INSOMNIA sucks. Bad for me, good for the blogs.

Speaking of, I’ve become increasingly trying to whore out my blogs more and more.
Here’s my logic. People seem to “like” the blogs and get some chuckles from them. So why not share that joy with as many people as possible. I mean you like them, you’re friends will like them, etc etc. Basically I’m asking YOU to tell your friends to read this ridiculousness. Post a bulletin spreading the word. It’s the least you could do. Well, actually the least you could do is nothing, this would be the second most leastest(I know it’s not a word, fuck you, it’s 3am) thing you could do.


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Comments
  • Kikolani | Blogging, Poetry, Photography February 24, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Well, I certainly don’t want to be a dirty pirate hooker! :)

    Why do people think anyone would respond to these ads? Especially the last one that was in gibberish. Maybe it is meant to say Save Johnny Bs? It’s worse than trying to figure out custom license plate messages.

    ~ Kristi

  • fairytaleshenanigans February 25, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Holy eff, it’s my soulmate! I’ve been searching for a crazy night with a guy who has apparently invented his own alien language, could be a potential axe murderer, and actually refers to himself as “voluptuous,” or some variation of the word.

    And I’m so glad someone’s finally exploiting Craiglist’s hilarity. I think next you should do one on ads seeking actors for “adult films.”

  • Gabi February 25, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Where is SDOJIN!?

  • Craig’s List, one more time… « Single Steve February 25, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    […] Craig’s List All Stars 2.0 […]

  • Buy acai berry May 22, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Your blog is very interresting for me, i will come back here..

  • Andrew June 8, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    For some reason I understand his post completely.

    1 – how could a braud not b atracted to the valumpuis curves and hour glass figure that a thurolly bread lushus lishis tender morsul flaunts with such pride and confidence.”

    This sentence, in context, is showing his empathy with bisexual women. He previously states his request for “girly girls (bi a plus)”. His train of thought immediately transitions into why he cant blame women for their bi-sexual ways: “How could a broad not be attracted to the voluptuous curves and the hour glass figure that a thoroughbred, lushalicious, tender morsel who flaunts with such pride and confidence.”

    His vocabulary is really well thought out and his phonetic spelling is adorable. He uses broad, which is an old slang to mean “manly-woman or a woman who can throw a punch”, nowadays it can just be used to mean “woman” but because hes talking about bi-sexual women… its really clever. His next reference of relating women to racehorses is really classy, “thurolly bread”. His phonetic mispronunciation of lushalicious into “lushus licious” is forgiven because he then relates women into “tender morsuls” which of course transitions into his next sentence where he talks about eating and biting women, genius.

    2 – “yyyaaaiii iiieeee yyyaaaiii de parte de svjohnybz followed by choptop then spot all 1 word at mail thats hot,without the sv in front in order to better get a hold of mwa i anckshesly await your responce o ya i stay with a wood roomate whos allso lonely i need to get that fool lade before he explodes,so feal free to shoot over with a freind race isnt an ishu”

    “YEA-YUH! Lets party! johnybzchoptopspot@hotmail.com, I anxiously await your response. Oh yeah, I stay with a Peckerwood roommate who is also lonely. I would like him to have sexual intercourse before he explodes. So feel free to come over with a friend, ethnicity is not an issue.”

    The hardest part to understand is where he is telling you his email address. He first tells you its svjohnybz, followed by choptop, then spot (all 1 word) at the mail thats hot (get it, hotmail, the mail thats hot) then he goes back and tells you to remove the sv in front. “mwa” is clearly just a slip of the keyboard as he was a little excited and “e” slipped into “wa”. Also, he makes a native San Diego reference: “Wood” is a slang to mean “Peckerwood” (which is a notorious gang in San Diego).

    • Killer February 27, 2014 at 6:59 am

      You rock! THANK you for knocking some sense into them!

  • wickedmoxie November 17, 2009 at 8:54 am

    OMG, the Best guy, has a distinct gay vibe in denial about him, and there is nothing wrong with being gay, at all, but you’re in denial and telling people you’re a spectacular lay and make 10.38 per hour, you know what, forget it even the gays don’t want this guy… pfffft…

    As for the other one, OMG, LMAO, well we know that if the guy on Craigslist Allstars 1 is not Bubba’s bitch then this guy probably is… LOL… oh wait, maybe he man boob guy hooked up in the joint…?? Maybe Craigslist Personals do work in certain really disturbing, I wanna bleach my brain and gouge my eyes out kind of a way…

    😉

  • likeomigod December 21, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    I LOVE this blog! You’re hilarious!

  • […] on his personal dating life. I think it was probably his Craigslist All Stars Posts (One, Two, Three and Four, um, I guess Three again, but a different post). He has this thing where he […]

  • Christina West March 16, 2010 at 7:12 am

    Oh man got2go2crt2morow is like the man of my DREAMS. someone just looking for a booty call before he goes away on a “dum ass warant”. oh baby oh baby hook me uuuup. i nearly died laughing, thanks :)

  • {{Lacey}} July 24, 2010 at 12:02 am

    Andrew- your ability to interpret is amazing. Is this part of your day job?

    And Single Steve- what a great find on that guy. Scary as a motherfucker but so raw :)

  • Summer October 1, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    This is such a funny site. Definitely will keep reading.

  • Killer February 27, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Are you serious? I was looking JohnyB and, instead, found this!? Bahahaha! I seriously was looking for this guy! And Andrew is 100% correct about the e-mail address, in case anyone was wondering. Anyway, I have a handful of e-mails from this guy… They start off very normal and end up worse than what you see above. Dope will do that to you. Well, if you’re reading this Mr. Besenti, that means you are out. I assume that since I cannot find you, you are incarcerated. Please get in touch with me regarding the Chevy glass. I don’t plan on letting it go. Thanks in advance, Katie

  • Jessica July 6, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Lol.. hilarious!! Love it.

  • Tom September 29, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    This guy has gotten more attention than I have in three months. I’m taking notes on his style of writing. XD

  • Post a comment

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