Dear Online Dating, please die.

Yeah the title explains it all. I was chit chatting with Hendoooo (her nick name) after our company drinking softball game today and we got to talking about how poorly my online dating experience was going, she literally laughed in my face when I was telling her my woes of online dating.  Perfect opportunity to write  a blog, I thought.

Also I’m gonna start doing this new “thing”, called Single Steve Shout Outs. Basically, I’m such an egotistical asshole I feel like I have the authority to make out shouts to highlight/embarrass people.

Example A: Michelle gave me an idea to write a blog, so she’s getting a shout out:

I blurred myself out to protect my adultness.

I mean who doesn’t like seeing there face where 3 people a day visit. I know I would. Actually people would probably be embarrassed to be associated with this blog, but that’s their fault. But I digress, online dating FAIL.

Sometime I wish these stories were made up for comical reasons and not just my real life. So as many of you know and love, I was doing Match.com. Their promise is, “If you don’t find love in the first 6 months, you get 6 more months for free”. So for 6 months, I tried and tried and tried my little heart out. Shockingly I didn’t find love. I didn’t even go on a SINGLE date. Fuck my life. Yeah. Then I got a girlfriend, and online dating and blogging were dead to me. Girlfriend and I broke up, and I had about 2 months left of “free” match.com because of my failed attempts to find love.

I sacked up, got back on the horse and tried and tried my little heart out once more. Again, shockingly I didn’t go on a single date. Apparently I uber fail at online dating. My subscription ended last week to match.com and I was ecstatic to end that embarrassing portion of my life. I’m still on eharmony.com, but that’s a whole other story…..Well the day AFTER my match.com subscription ended, the oddest thing happened. An actually cute, normal looking girl winked at me. I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but please consider the winks I’ve gotten in the last 8 months:

4 winks. Count them. Fml. And of those 4, 2 were gangster mom’s, one didn’t have a picture up. No picture means, she is probably a he. I don’t remember why I didn’t try and pursue the cute bottom one….probably because I’m an idiot… BUT the moral of the story is, my winks are few and far between. So it’s a pretty big deal when I get a wink from a girl that isn’t a man. I got a wink back from a girl the DAY AFTER, that means I have no way of communicating with her unless I buy at least one more month of match.com, which is 34.99. The money isn’t the issue, it’s the principle of it. I heard she might be spam bot sent by the clever people at match.com to suck me back in. Is this possible?

But then how desperate is it of me to join for at least another month on the slight possibility that this girl didn’t accident wink at me. Ugh.

So here’s my options.

At least I still have eharmony.com right? Wrong. That online dating service is going even worst, believe it or not.
Let me explain how it works, so everyone knows what I’m rambling about. Eharmony.com is different from match.com in that, you don’t have the ability to “search” for girls, a computer somewhere in the back room matches your profiles up based on some test you took when you first signed up for the site. I’m fine with that, no issues.

So it “matches” you up, and from there you then have 4 steps to get through before you are finally in “Open Communication” which is basically sending messages back and forth.
The first step is exchanging profiles, Second step is ending multiple choice questions from a pre-selected list of questions and answers. Third step is sending your likes and dislikes. Fourth step is sending questions from a pre-selected list, but you answer in actually text. Final step is “Open Communication” which is basically sending messages back and forth, this is the promise land for eharmony.com. I haven’t gotten that far yet with any girl, which is awesome. Each step is sequential, so once the ball is in her court, there is nothing I can do. I’ll send my profile over and wait..and wait….and if she likes it she sends over questions, if not, I have to keep waiting and waiting.

You’re probably thinking, well you’ve only probably been in communication with a couple girls, you hang in there, she’ll come along. False. I am currently in communication with 100 girls. Yes. 100. AND another 164 have already closed communications with me. So 264 girls have been matched with me, 164 shut me down, 100 are still in process. Of those 100, 97 are still in stage 1. Stage one is exchanging profiles. REALLY!? I can’t even get to the multiple choice questions? The ball is in their court for 97 ladies. Now I just play the waiting game….

fml. The photo below is not photoshopped.  Unfortunately.

Anyone else doing eharmony.com? Is this typical to be in “Communication” with so many people? Is it typical to be waiting on so many people to respond back to you?

Comment and let me know your thoughts.
Tell your friends to join the facebook page. NO I will not stop whoring myself out.


  • Zach November 13, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    I am interested to see what your eHarmony profile looks like. There must be something seriously wrong with what you are writing about yourself if 264 girls won’t even respond. Might I suggest going to the puppy store and get a picture with you and a puppy. Chicks love that.

  • wickedmoxie November 17, 2009 at 8:30 am

    LMAO, OMG, you think you gotta bad, dude, read my blog on the perils of internet dating for women… 😉

  • bytcheinauniform November 23, 2009 at 10:44 am

    I can tell you from experience that Match.com and their sister site Chemistry.com are notorious at sending out bots to keep you interested in the site and your money coming. How I hate online dating.

  • Brandi Shae November 27, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    Facebook stalk fa sho!

  • Wayne August 19, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Yeah, it’s fairly typical. I’m a super single software engineer like your self. Imagine my surprise, with my big ass ego, to find out that, I couldn’t get a date online, to save my life!

    Here were my Stats:
    120 messages sent out, 16 responses, multiple back forths, yielding 1 date, that went no-where.

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