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Facebook will become self aware on August 29th, 2011

The journey continues, Captain’s Log:
9683 consecutive days of being alive. Yeah, that’s right, in a row.

Not to be dramatic, but that’s getting pretty old. I can remember the days when I was just a day or two over 8000. Those were the days… I was a senior in college (year one of two), just getting exposed to the classy bar scene of Tucson (Buffet and the Nugget), living in a frat house (SICK braah), making out with B minus chicks, yep, not a worry in the whole wide world. I definitely wasn’t worried about getting married and popping out some kids. I’m still not worried. I’ve just been noticing it’s about that time.

And by it’s about that time, I mean Facebook is secretly trying to run my life.

That sneaky SOB. I was making some edits to my profile this morning, when I saw something that caught my eye and made me do a double take of screen. Usually my eyes glaze over the ad’s on the side of the right hand screen, useless garbage and nonsense. No I don’t want to fucking join Mafia Wars, no I don’t want to go to an online beauty college, blah blah blah…..but what did I see this time when I loaded my profile page you ask that caught my attention? It was the triple threat of single ads. First of all, fuck you Facebook, you don’t know anything about me. Secondly, really!? Do I need 3 ads to tell me how not to talk to girls?

Maybe I should date Christian girls, apparently they’re busty.

I’m used to one or two ads about single girls, but 3 was a bit much. I thought it was fluke, so I hit the refresh button, thought there was no way I could hit the singles ad jackpot twice in a row, but BAM, 3 more hot generic spambot ladies for me to click on. It was like gambling, what are the chances that out all the ads on all of facebook, I would get 3 “desperately single!? Click Here!!” ads.

I tried it again, and got an ad for an MBA program, this is when I and realized Facebook does targeted advertising based on who you “are”. How could I of missed it. Facebook is smart, it’s learning. You know what other computer based application was smart and learned?? That’s right. Sky Net. Fuck it’s so obvious to me know, facebook is learning, adapting, telling you who you should be, what ads to pick, then BOOM, it builds an army of evil robots to destroy to earth.

Or not, but still, who is Facebook is to tell me who I am? Who does facebook think you are?

What 3 ads show up when you go to your profile page?
Are you desperately single? Are you destine to annoy all of your friends and join Mafia Wars? Should you go back to school in Idaho? No seriously, comment on the blog and let me know who facebook thinks you should be.

So besides the ads facebook screaming at me to get a spambot girlfriend, more recently in the past year I’ve seen more and more feeds like “I’m engaged!”, “I’m pregnant again!”, “Wedding was great!”, “My baby daddy just got out of jail!”, etc. Basically I’m saying my facebook feed is much different than when I was 21. Either I need to make more 21 year old friends, or just come to terms that I’ll now get facebook feeds in regards to my friend’s children turning 15.

Speaking of 21 year olds! I’ve got a funny story. Not haha funny, but more like ouch haha funny. Or it might not be funny at all, but fuck you, you’re not paying me to write this so it’s your fault.

So anyways, a few weekends ago, my buddy from college got married in Tucson, so I made the trip down to Arizona for the wedding. I RSVP-ed a “plus one” weeks before I knew who I was taking. So of course, 3 days before the wedding I’m still dateless because I’m awesome at find dates. I had recently broken up with the girlfriend so I had no “options” of people who I would ask to make the road trip down with me to Tucson, so I did a hail mary and sent a text to a “friend” in Tucson and asked if she would like to accompany me to the wedding. She was a mutual friend of the guy getting married, and her older brother was going to the wedding so I thought it wouldn’t be completely out of the blue if she attended with me. I don’t know if you noticed I used the word “friend” in quotes a few sentences ago to describe who she is, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking. So she’s actually the little sister of a friend of mine from college, and sure I “know” her and we’re facebook friends, but prior to the wedding I had probably spoken only about 20 sentences in face to face conversation, and of those 20 sentences, 16 were probably on a professional level. So why only 4 sentences spoken to her in a social setting you ask? Well one, she’s extremely attractive, I mean really really pretty, and I’m kind of intimidated by her? Which is weird because I can confidently give a presentation in front of 100s of people, but talking to one very beautiful girl, and I can’t seem to form a coherent sentence. Two, we didn’t really have the same social circles, well we might of, but I wouldn’t know because I graduated before she started college…..oh yeah, she’s only 21.

Now I’m 26, and I don’t think that’s a huge age difference, and it’s not like I was asking her to this wedding to be romantical, which even isn’t a word, I just thought we would have a good time. Which we did. Some of my friends here in SD made a big deal out of the fact I asked someone “so much younger”.  But I think my friends are idiots. There I said it.

Anyways, I guess I was curious as to her take on the situation, but I wasn’t going to ask her “So do you think I’m too old to talking you?”

The funny moment occurred when we were at the reception just talking about weddings and marriage and the whole idea of it, she started a sentence with “I know you’re like way older than me…..”, at this point I stopped her, kind of did a comical pseudo freak out, she apologized and said that’s not what she meant. I know that’s not what she meant to say, but it’s funnier to be fake outraged at her comment. Like I said there was no intention of a romantic interest with me asking her to go with me to the wedding, but at this point I think I went from date to dad in 5.4 seconds. Ftw!

I know it’s not what she meant at all, but still funny hear. I had to coerce her into finishing her sentence, because I was genuinely curious as to where she was going with that. Basically the sentence ends with “but if I turn your age and I’m not married, I’m going to end up marrying the first douche bag that comes along”. Awesome. Apparently 26 is the freak out age for girls to start marrying the first jerk that comes along. Anyone know any 26 years old females?

So basically she was telling me I have 5 years to become douche bag, so you’re saying there’s a chance! Just kidding….Wedding was actually a lot of fun, good to see old faces (26 year olds), had a great time with ms. 21.
Questions, Comments,Concerns!?

Do the 3 ad challenge, who does facebook think you are?

Invite your friends to join the facebook page!

 



Comments
  • Christy October 20, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    When I was engaged all I got were wedding advertisements. All. The. Time. The worst were the “Lose Weight for your Wedding!” ads. Apparently FB knows I decided to just drink beer and hang out and actually gain wait in the 6 months leading up to my wedding, but you know what? That’s MY choice! Leave me alone, FB!

    As soon as I changed my status to “married” I started getting “Moms go back to College!” ads. Seriously? I went from blushing bride to maternal drop out in a day? I don’t have any kids, but I DO have a college degree. F you, facebook.

  • Zip October 20, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    My random 3 ads:
    1) Web hosting
    2) Breast augmentation (seriously?)
    3) Online MBA degree

    It’s really only #2 that gets to me… I mean, come on now!

  • Kim October 20, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    I should apparently stop waxing and skip straight to laser hair removal, become a psychic, and make more phone calls to India :p

    Oh, and cartoon myself. Yep, it’s a verb.

  • Russell October 20, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    I don’t get any ads. I don’t need facebook for my social life.

    • Single Steve October 20, 2009 at 6:00 pm

      Isn’t that something people with no friends say?

  • Jami October 20, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    I got a picture of a woman shaving her face with the tagline, “No More Shaving!”

    Nice… I guess those longish blonde chin hairs ARE noticeable, even to facebook.

    I also got one about shaping the perfect eyebrows (which, I can’t believe there is an entire website dedicated to that, but it turns out to be the same company that thought I should quit shaving my face).

    And one about a musical event of some sort with artists I’ve never heard of.

  • Bennett October 20, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Did you see that you can hit the “x” to the right of the ads, and it asks you why you don’t want to see that ad? It’s LEARNING.

    I didn’t want to see Mafia Wars, so it changed it to a football helmet with a credit score on it. Like, I like football, so maybe this will make a credit score more interesting. Plus an SDGE ad about gas, and some Restaurant City game ad. Which I also told FB it was irrelevant, so it replaced it with “Rate a Hottie”.

    Facebook is pretty awesome.

  • T October 20, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    welcome back.

    1. Rich dad Philadelphia
    2. Study forensic psychology
    3. Are you a colorado tech grad

    I was getting local lesbian ads for awhile, at the time it didn’t register that the ads were a reflection of my preferences.

  • Kristy October 20, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Facebook thinks I want a free kodak photo album. I only get one facebook ad.

  • mary October 20, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    1) Nursing ad… I’m in nursing
    2) Rock climbing ad… I climb rocks… and other things
    3) Gun testers needed ad… I have no idea where that came from but I’m totaly interested…

    …your right facebook is goint to take over the world

  • Jguiney October 20, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    Oh yeah

    1. SinglesNet
    2. Mountain High ski pass (advertise by 3 busty bikini blonds)
    3. Dog Beach Design (surprisingly no women advertising these)

    oh but the 1 on my “Home” page always either Christian Girls or SinglesNet.

  • Johnny October 20, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    I used to get singlesnet ads, but I’m married. They seem to have corrected the problem, as I don’t see them anymore, proving your theory that facebook is becoming smarter and self-aware.

    My three were Online Masters degree, eat out cheap in LA, mafia wars. Doesn’t make much sense; I have a pretty prestigious private school undergrad and I wouldn’t cheapen that with an online masters. Also, you’d think after 50,000,000 ignored requests for mafia wars they wouldn’t target me. Cheap food though, I guess everyone likes that!

  • kelly October 20, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    First, I usually only have one FB ad and it is almost always a singles ad. Second, I’m a 31 year old – unmarried (gasp) female and am most definitely not ready to marry the 1st douchebag I meet. Nor was I at that point at the ripe old age of 26. Although I sometimes put in earplugs to muffle the sound of the clock that seems to tick incessantly at this point.

  • Shawna October 21, 2009 at 2:31 am

    Apparently my ads say I should go to a Bad Brains w/ DJ Unite concert at House Of Blues on Sunday, buy some real estate from some over tanned, spiky haired, d-bag from La Jolla, and read up on safe holiday decorating. Awesome.

  • Andy October 21, 2009 at 4:16 am

    1. Hottest Bod in the World Competition (obviously in for this one)
    2. NY Rocking Chairs (wait, what?)
    3. I’m Hunting for Members Deer Hunting Club (this one is creepy)

    So Facebook has obviously failed at Facebook stalking me. I don’t hunt (or even own a gun), I don’t think I’ve been in a rocking chair since I was 9, and the only hottest bod competition I could win would be Mr. Hot Bod Ethiopia or perhaps Mr. Prepubescent Hot Bod.

    Oh, and Steve – remember, I was 26 and she was 18…

  • Steph Bailey October 21, 2009 at 6:54 am

    1. San Diego Almost Free
    2. Be an international chef
    3. Romance a millionaire

    Sooo… basically fb is telling me that I’m cheap, love to eat and am shallow. Awesome! Ha!

  • Brandi Shae October 21, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    1. Want a Boyfriend?
    2. HP Ink for Scrapbooks…I haven’t scrapbooked in over a year and I’m certain I never mentioned it on Facebook. Fuck. They are stalking my myspace for this info!
    3. Meet Mr. Right.

    What Kelly said about the earplugs was hilarious. For my ticking is becoming much louder too. I’m 27. Not gonna marry the first douchebag that comes along but damn!! I’m ready to get this show on the road!

    Good blog Steve. I see you are ignoring my facebook chat message about our Broncos kicking the Chargers ass on Monday. It’s alright. I won’t hold it against you. For long.

  • logan gaither October 21, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    1. Motorcycle apparel
    2. Buy a house
    3. join our motorcycle app

    Is this thing searching my old status updates???

  • Bryan October 22, 2009 at 12:50 am

    lol, funny without even reading a word yet! pictures are fun!

  • Matt B. October 22, 2009 at 6:30 am

    Love the blog!

    1. “Want a girlfriend?” (Never three at once… yet.)
    2. Jobs ads in NYC
    3. MBA programs

    Facebook knows I’m lonely, in need of a degree, and a job. Wonderful!

    Also, I can relate:
    “Which is weird because I can confidently give a presentation in front of 100s of people, but talking to one very beautiful girl, and I can’t seem to form a coherent sentence.”

  • kayna November 3, 2009 at 6:24 am

    1. meet hot gay girls.
    2.mom’s go to college.
    3. food ad’s

    So..facebook thinks I’m gay and I need to eat..more. Already taking classes.

  • Elissa November 8, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    All the ads i get from facebook are about credit checks and software.

    and god I’m 25. Does that mean this time next year I’m going to be willing to marry the first guy who treats me like shit? Cause my B-day is on Cinco de Mayo,so I might have a whole buffet of tools to marry.

  • @Ahsherry09 August 13, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Women mature faster then men, so i’d say you’d be ready to marry in your early 30’s….

  • gord March 25, 2011 at 5:33 am

    yah I got a job on the fire dept, and I listed my job on fb the next day those ads were all about fire colleges in the U.S.

  • Post a comment

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