bang

If we’re friends, and you’re a girl, I probably want to bang you

Hello. Welcome. Have a seat, I’m about to blow your mind with a bucket of awkward hilarious truths.

This blog concept actually was developed out of the blue. I was probably about 87 percent done with a classic Craiglist tool bags post, when I received a random facebook IM from an old friend (ex-girlfriend actually) from a girl named Kacey. Well maybe not completely random because 23 minutes earlier I poked her on facebook. Yeah, I still fucking poke people. I’m five years old, so what. 60 percent of the time, it works everytime.  Anyways, we start catching up, how are you blah blah blah, what’s new blah blah blah, etc. I proceeded to ask her “So I see you’re single now??” (of course I knew she was single, that’s why I poked her, I mean….what, I digress) I then asked her how the “single life” is going for her. Her response was she was having a blast. Whaaaaa. I guess it’s so hard for me to relate to other singles that are actually enjoying being single.  And here’s why, I think it’s because there’s two types of the “Single Life” experiences you can have.

single life

Guess which experience I’m having. “Ha Ha Ha”….fuck your face. NOW don’t interpret this as I think my life sucks, or I’m depressed. Not at all. In fact, I fucking love my life. A lot. It’s great, I just don’t think my “single life” experience is going as awesome as I think it should be.  I’m not saying I want to be sleeping around hooking up with mad hotties, though I wouldn’t be opposed to that, I’m just saying I wouldn’t mind kissing a girl every now and then just to confirm that, yes, in fact I’m still straight.

It’s weird because I feel like you (my naïve readers) think I get more action than I actually do. Which is flattering, but you couldn’t be more wrong if you tried. I was talking to Kacey and this came up, how I think I might be a virgin again just because I haven’t had sex in such a long time, you know medically speaking. She seemed confused by this statement. She mentioned that I should hook up with one of the many girls that “pine” after me. First of all, I don’t know why she used the term “pine”, although she does teach 1st grade and probably has modified vocabulary because of it, but seriously, pine? I’ve never once heard a girl say “Man I pine after him so hard”, or “I could pine the fuck out him right now”, but that’s not the point. The point is, despite popular belief girls don’t “pine” after me, if they did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We wouldn’t be talking about how I haven’t had sex in ….in….in… a very long time. I’m not saying sex is the end all, and I need sex to live, but I wouldn’t mind making out with a girl every now and then. Who doesn’t like kissing? You know who doesn’t like kissing? Bad kissers. I HATE bad kissers. It’s a deal breaker. If you’re a bad kisser, it will never work out. I love how I can just get off on side tangents and rants because it’s my blog. For example, I just remembered awkwardly, that I found out my parents apparently read my blog. Awkward. How awkward that I just mentioned I haven’t had sex in a long time. How awkward that they might be reading this sentence right now. Exactly.

Anyways, where was I? That’s right, making out with chicks. Which got me thinking, why don’t I make out with more girls?  Or any for that matter. Well who would I make out with anyways??? The answer? My friends. All of them. Well, all of the girl ones. And to be more specific, all of the girl ones who don’t have boyfriends, and who aren’t ugly. See diagram below to see which group you fit into.

would I bang you

Maybe that’s my problem, I make UML diagrams to explain to people if I would bang them or not. Being an engineer is not helping me get laid, that’s for sure.

I’m not saying this, like I’m a super creep who wants to hook up with all of his friends, but I’m saying, if you’re my friend, and you’re attractive, I’m probably not going to stop if you said you wanted to make out with me. I’m just saying. ALSO I don’t think I’m the only male who feels this way about his female friends. In FACT, I would go as far and say that this is probably the norm.

I’ve actually seen this myself with my own eyes, I’ve got a scenario for the ladies and I bet either you have experienced this or know someone that has

bang

I recently heard this exact story from a girl friend of mine, that she just got out of a relationship, and within the month, a guy she thought was just her platonic friend, confessed his secret love for her. It happens. And I’m not going to lie I’ve for SURE been that guy once, twice or 12 times. It’s pretty much my M.O. It’s my fault, it’s because of my philosophy on relationships. What’s my philosophy you ask? Well, not to get too deep into it, because this shit’s supposed to be funny, but, basically the type of relationship I’m seeking (eventually), is the epic love relationship. And IN MY OPINION I feel like my best relationships are basically best friendships, with sex. What does that mean. That means I want to develop a relationship out of friendship, because the best marriages I’ve seen, the couples that are still very much in love after 20 years, are basically best friends, as cliché as that sounds. That’s why I hate online dating so much, because you focus on building a “relationship” with a complete stranger, not necessary a friendship. Anyways…

You’re probably thinking, but Steven, I’m a girl, I’m your friend, do you want to bang me? The answer is yes. I mean no. I mean it’s a maybe? I don’t think I want to bang you, I only said bang for dramatics mostly, but I do think that on some level male and female relationships do have a physical attractiveness component to them, no matter how platonic you think your relationship is.

Also stop freaking out, this doesn’t change anything, between you and I. I mean somehow magically we’ve been able to not make out for all these years, I don’t think knowing this information actually changes anything.

Here’s my challenge to all the girls out there that think this is just my own crazy idea about the female and male relationship. I challenge you to ask your “platonic” guy friends, that you think would never think about you in “that way”, something to the extent of:

“Question….would you ever make out with me?”
“True of False: You would bang me if I asked you to?”
“Let’s get drunk and do it, you in!?”

Wait for the awkward pause, see what their response is. Some guys might think you’re coming around and you’re finally asking them out.
I realized I used to the word bang like 100 times in this blog, and I giggled every single time.
Let me know if you agree/disagree or if you had an experience with this.
Let’s be friends!!


Tagged: ,


Comments
  • Vega April 4, 2010 at 7:48 am

    Dude, you should be flattered for sure.

  • Robert April 4, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    get a girl pregnant

  • Plano April 5, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    i like the test questions for girls to try on their guy friends. they will prove your point =)

  • Plano April 5, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    ps – you should have your comments inline under each blog post. most ppl are too lazy to click the “Comment Here” link.

  • Ryan April 6, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    I made it into more than 20% of your B-day photos!

    Math…Helping me stay single since 2002

  • Andrew Elliott April 7, 2010 at 12:13 am

    Another insightful blog! I’ve definitely been the girl’s ‘buddy’ who watches her date some sleazy scumbag I’d secretly like to hit over the head with a shovel and bury in the desert.. (OK.. little creepy but you get what I mean).

    The one time I ended up dating girl above (and no, nobody can ever prove that I killed her ex.. he moved away and i’m sticking to that dammit) it was an awesome relationship. When we broke up, it certainly wasn’t because we didn’t love each other anymore.

    I was her friend first, that is HUGE in any relationship.

    My parents have known each other since they were 13, they were friends before they were an item and they are one of the longest lasting couples in the history of the world.

    Keep up the good blogging dude, your plucky views on your own situation help me better deal with the disappointments of mine.

  • Jonna Alley April 7, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Okay, here’s the deal…there’s a theory about this. Now I’m not entirely sure whether my roommate and I developed this theory or not, but for the sake of the story, we did.

    The one and ONLY case in which a guy/girl relationship can be completely platonic, is if these two people have met prior to going through puberty. Absurdity, I know. It sounds crazy. BUT, we’ve taken surveys…I assure you. Of all the people (guys and girls) that we asked in order to prove/disprove this theory, the only guy/girl friendships that we discovered were strictly platonic, were those that were developed prior to puberty. (I know what you’re thinking…one friend is obviously going to deny any attraction if it’s clearly single-sided. But to be as fair and unbiased as possible, we separated people and swore to not disclose any names. That’s as scientific as we could get people, deal with it)

    Any friendship that we examined that developed after at least one party had gone through puberty was tainted with a sexual attraction of some kind.

    Interesting isn’t it? I’m not saying this is exception-free by any means, but it’s certainly a theory that can serve as a starting point for anyone trying to analyze their own relationships.

    Thanks for providing me with a space to share our otherwise meaningless theories. It makes me feel that our spare time is not spent entirely in vain.

    Keep up the blog!

  • Jonna April 7, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Okay, here’s the deal…there’s a theory about this. Now I’m not entirely sure whether my roommate and I developed this theory or not, but for the sake of the story, we did.

    The one and ONLY case in which a guy/girl relationship can be completely platonic, is if these two people have met prior to going through puberty. Absurdity, I know. It sounds crazy. BUT, we’ve taken surveys…I assure you. Of all the people (guys and girls) that we asked in order to prove/disprove this theory, the only guy/girl friendships that we discovered were strictly platonic, were those that were developed prior to puberty. (I know what you’re thinking…one friend is obviously going to deny any attraction if it’s clearly single-sided. But to be as fair and unbiased as possible, we separated people and swore to not disclose any names. That’s as scientific as we could get people, deal with it)

    Any friendship that we examined that developed after at least one party had gone through puberty was tainted with a sexual attraction of some kind.
    Interesting isn’t it? I’m not saying this is exception-free by any means, but it’s certainly a theory that can serve as a starting point for anyone trying to analyze their own relationships.

    Thanks for providing me with a space to share our otherwise meaningless theories. It makes me feel that our spare time is not spent entirely in vain.

    Keep up the blog!

  • Mollie April 8, 2010 at 4:24 am

    I super enjoyed this blog. I laughed, I giggled and I totally related! I feel like I’m the female version of you and you’re in charge of writing about our lives! Woot for you! Oh – and thank you, too! Bang!

  • Austin April 9, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    hahaha

    “I could pine the fuck out him right now”

    The first girl that uses that sentence about me gets a proposal

  • Alex April 11, 2010 at 12:14 am

    I just want to go out there and say, as a woman, that those girls who act all shocked are, for the most part, idiots. Come on. Why would I be your friend if I didn’t like you? What is a boyfriend but a dude I like (and also, hopefully make out with/bang)? It is totally mutual, it is just that girls are sneakier about it. We lie to ourselves until we literally squelch the attraction. Until the bf dumps us and then we go running to our male friends… Why do you think we come to you instead of go to our girls?

  • katie benson April 13, 2010 at 4:42 am

    it’s totally true..i enjoy hooking up with guy friends better then randoms bc well you at least know where they have been…and it’s not incredibly awkward when they have to drive you back home…

  • Jaysey April 19, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    I laughed every time I read “bang” in this entry. Really.

  • Love in the Dumps April 30, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    I fucking love this blog. You and me are kindred spirits. Just added you to my roll homeboy

  • James May 3, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Great blog and I have to agree. Friends, YES, sex.

  • LOST PLUM May 5, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    If you did get a girlfriend I don’t think she would uppercut you when reading the comments, but she might cockpunch you 😉 But then again, is a cockpunch really a bad thing! GREAT POST AS ALWAYS :) D

  • Post a comment

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