cats

Single Steve is back!

Hello?

Hello! Yeah, so, this is happening. It’s like really happening. I know, I know, I can’t believe it either.  Please calm the fuck down, stop screaming, have a seat, take a deep breath, and please continuing reading.

It’s been a while. Or as we say in the hood, “it’s been a minute” since I’ve last written a blog. About two years. Two fucking years since I’ve written anything.

And you’re probably asking yourself, “But why are you writing a new blog Steven? Why now?”
First of all, fuck you. You know exactly why I’m writing a new blog again.  Don’t be coy. What, you just want me to come out and say it? Fine, here it is:
I’m getting MARRIED!!!!

Nooooooo, just kidding.  Actually quite the opposite. Unfortunately or fortunately I’m single again, which is bad for my sex life, but good for your blog reading pleasure. You selfish son of bitch.  I mean, if blogs are still a thing? It’s the year 2013. Do people still read a guy they’ve never heard of’s narcissistic writing about his pathetic dating experiences?  Apparently they do, or at least you, because you’re reading this right now. So jokes on you clown. Wow, I just realized I swear at you and talk down to you a lot. I’m sorry. Well I’m sorry, that I’m not sorry. It’s the internet, it does it to me. It really does. During the day in “real life”, I’m Professional Pete, no swearing, well spoken, articulate, and correctly uses punctuation. But then BOOM, it’s blog time, and all of sudden it’s like COCK BALLS FUCK SHIT, and I use a commas incorrectly, like, every, single, fucking, word to create dramatic pauses and so you can read the words as they sound as I word vomit them out of my head through my fingers into the keyboard. There is no delete, no backspace, it’s just stream of conscious and sometimes I don’t even care when I see the little red line under words indicating I’ve spelled a word worng (get it?).  But I digress. Focus.

Anyways. It’s true, after 2 years of relationship world, I’m single again. I’m not going to talk about my last relationship in this post, or ever for that matter, but the long and short of it is that it was great relationship that ended amicably. I know that sounds like a super cop out answer, but believe it or not, I don’t like to talk about personal stuff in blog? So fuck your couch. Those of you that know me in real life know the scoop and that’s good enough for me.

So, in summary, I’m single again, I’m two years older, and I’m blogging again. I actually didn’t know if I was going to blog again as Single Steve. I knew I wanted to write, but I wasn’t sure that “Single Steve” was the right brand for me now. I mean, I went back and read some of my blogs, and I thought to myself, man that guys an immature asshole…sometimes. He used to get kicked out of Moondoggies on the regular. What twenty something year old with a good job, and some self respect, does that? I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to continue writing as Single Steve. I was considering more “mature” options.  But after talking with a friend, and she asked me “what the goal of the blog was?”, I had to think. What the fuck is the point of this blog??  It’s not to get rich, it’s not to get famous, it’s not to meet girls. I like writing this blog for entertainment purposes. I write because I LOVE the comments and knowing I made someone laugh somewhere at my ridiculousness.  So that’s why I write. Also I write to meet girls.  And so ultimately I decided to stick with the same blog. It’s just for shits and giggles. It’s got some fans on facebook, and being an internet narcissist, I couldn’t bare to start all over with zero.

Shall we begin?

Here I am. 30 years old. Single. Living in San Diego. Still awesome. Trying to figure out what the fuck to do now. Do I jump back on the okcupid and match.com’s of the world? Do I Tinder? Do I send mass Snapchats of penis to random girls? Do I do some other new technology shit I don’t know about yet? This is where YOU come in. I need your inputs. What should I do? Leave me some suggestions in the comments. I’ve already been Tindering, hard, like it’s my job. My first blog(s) are going to be about Tinder,  about the ridiculousness of it, the ridiculousness of the girls on it, and a date that should of happened but Tinder doesn’t have fucking height anywhere on it’s app. I’ve got blogs in the queue, but what else should do? I mean at this point, I’m willing, to as the kids say, “YOLO”. Meaning I’m 30, and holy shit I need to get married soon, my eggs are drying up.

Speaking of, I’m 30. 30. It’s mind bottling to think about that. I never, ever would of thought I would be 30 and single. Not that it’s a bad thing. I have no regrets, I like where I am, yada yada, all the stuff I’m supposed to say to show I’m happy with my life, but when I first started blogging like 6 years ago, I joked, “hahahaha” I’m never going to find my person. Because it’s fucking  funny and ridiculous for a 24 year old to joke about being alone forever. But 6 years later, as a 30 year old joking about being alone forever , it’s like a little more real, you know.  I mean we can all still laugh about it, but it’s the kind of laugh where it’s like your fake laughing, with your teeth gritted and your eyes are shifting back and forth to see if people are actually believing you in your laugh. Yeah, that kind of laugh.

I know, I know, “But Steven, 30 is still young, you have plenty of time to find somebody” – you in a very adult condescending voice.  Watch your tone when you’re talking to me.  I know. I get it. But I also want to get married, and have kids before I’m “too old”. I don’t know what “too old” is, but it’s has something to do with playing catch with my kid in my back yard.

I also start having a mild panic attack when I start thinking about math.  Not like my vector calculus back in the day math, but math in the sense that I know my pool of available awesome single women to mate with is shrinking. It’s is. Every day. It’s math. They either die, or get married, every, single, fucking day. And sure some girls re-enter the dating pool,  as a few of them get out of their relationships or divorcees, but I’m still willing to bet that the rate in which they women leave my available dating pool is higher than the rate in which women are entering. Did I lose you? Look, here’s a graph.

Age Distribution of Adult Single Women

It basically shows what percentage of women are single based on a bucket of age ranges. You can see that most of the world’s single population is between the ages of 18 and 24, with 40%. My age range, the 25 to 34 year olds is 25% of the population. Meaning out of every 4 girls I see, only 1 of them is likely to be single . And you know that’s always the ugly friend, that they keep around to boost their self confidence.  JUST kidding. Geez. Calm down. But seriously, 1 in 4. And you can see if I survive to be 35 years old the pool of single women drops even smaller. I’m just saying, MATH.  I know a lot of you will be Optimistic Olga, and say things like “there are plenty of fish in the sea Steven”. I know there are. I’m just saying, there are more fish being pulled out and eaten then are repopulating the fucking sea.

On that note, I have another panic attack when I start thinking about the quality of fish still left in the sea.  When I think about it logically, it makes sense that “a lot” of the amazing, funny, caring, cute, sarcastic, great kisser, great dancer women have already been fished out and eaten. I mean, why wouldn’t they be. If you are guy and you met an amazing person, you’re going to try and wife the shit out of her. As you should. So, logically, I get to thinking, who’s left? And why are they left? The dating pool has changed dramatically. Here’s how I see it:

My dating pool at 30

Again, this is my exaggerated perception. My phoebia is crazy cat ladies, single moms and divorcees. Not that there’s anything wrong with having kids, or being married before, but it’s a “thing” to consider, and those aren’t everyone’s cup of tea.  I know I’m going to get hate comments and hate email, saying something like “Dear Steven, I’m 38 and single, and there’s nothing wrong with me”. To which I will reply that you are dirty rotten liar and are probably bat shit crazy. Okay, I agree. There are circumstances in which you could potentially be older and single, and absolutely amazing. But realistically, there is probably a reason. Whether it’s “I’ve only dated douche bags, or I’m a crazy jealous bitch.” Myself included in this group. I have a reason, we all have a reason. Just make sure your reason is a long hard look at yourself. I do.  Just saying. Again, I look forward to your hate comments.

Last thought of the blog. I call this, Cat Challenge 2023. One because it involves cats, and ends in the year 2023 makes it sound like a futuristic science project. So here it is:
For every year that I’m single, I’m going to take a step closer to being the crazy cat lady and buy a cat. I don’t even like cats, so it’s a motivator to make sure I stop being single. So when I’m 31, I’ll have one cat, when I’m 32, I’ll have 2 and so on and so on. But then I got to thinking, this will be my motivator, but at the same time is also is decreasing my dateability, because who wants to date a guy with 7 cats.
Assuming my datability is a 10 (relative scale) right now, you can see based on the graph below quickly how my dateability becomes almost nothing quickly. I think it’s at about cat number 4, that girls no longer acknowledge me as a member of functioning society. Cat Challenege 2023!!

Cats Vs My Age

There it is. I’m back.
Tinder blogs up next.
Welcome back. Leave me some comments, like me on facebook, retweet me on twitter, spay and neuter your pets.


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Comments
  • KrissySD November 8, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    This makes me sad because now I’m 24 and still single… by choice or not is still a question. SingleSteve, should I start blogging? It should obviously be anonymous, but we both know I suck at that.

    • Single Steve November 8, 2013 at 7:49 pm

      24 and single is funny, 30 and single is less funny. I recommend everyone start an anonymous blog. KrazyKrissy.com?

  • Sarah D'Archangel November 8, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    First off Stevenolli, getting one cat a year was MY idea. And I have Two. Single mom. Hate comment.
    But seriously, I’m glad you’re writing again! You crack me up! Hooray Single Steve Blog!!! Catch up soon?

    • Single Steve November 8, 2013 at 7:55 pm

      For suuuure. Let’s catch up soon!

  • Jgh November 8, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    I was 30 when I quit my job, moved to SD, broke up with my gf of 6 years and tried to hit on the only hit girl in my MBA program. 90% of those decisions worked out for me so there is hope. And fuck your couch….. And you can always pimp for PB millionaire if that’s still a thing..

  • Kendyl November 8, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    Hell YEAHHHHH Single Steve is back! Now I have a bar buddy to get wasted-face with again! I’ll be your wing woman to find that luck girl you can “wife the shit out of”, hahaha!!

  • Trojan November 8, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    Umm…what kind of engineer doesn’t know how to read a pi chart (get it?). Your reference a chart that shows a distribution of all single girls, 25% of which are in the 25-34 bracket; not that 25% of 25-34 year olds are single. I’m starting to question the quality of engineers out west, BRO.

  • Pastelita November 8, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Glad to see you’re back. And I’m also happy you stuck with SingleSteve. Thanks for the laughs on my lunch break today. Also, I’m 22 and panic at the thought of being alone forever. lol so you’re not alone. Maybe it’s just a Hispanic thing?

    • Single Steve November 8, 2013 at 8:03 pm

      22 in Hispanic world is basically Crazy Cat lady status. “Mija, Como es que no has encontrado un marido todavia!?”

  • Guntanis November 8, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    I’m 2 for 2 on the cat challenge :/ Good to see some new material dude!

  • Pete November 8, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    Damn Steve! Well good luck on the dating life again. I know for me it’s been tough now that I’m getting to my 30’s. But I do like seeing your blog again.

  • Stephanie November 9, 2013 at 12:04 am

    Took you long enough! Shit! I almost root for breakups so we can get this blog back!

    I’m sorry I’m not sorry you are single so you can blog again…is that selfish? YES. I need your crazy blog to fill my empty life with joy.

    I also reserve the right to require you to buy me a cat if you end up in a relationship again since I am 2 weeks away from 32 and clearly behind according to your cat graph.

  • Matt B. November 9, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Ever thought about trying ‘How About We…’?

  • Lauren R November 9, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Steve, I can honestly say you’re a really good guy.. . . I’ve even been out to dinner with you once:) I’m sorry she wasn’t the one, but I am an optimistic person who believes you will find the one. I highly suggest networking with young professionals. The majority of my single friends are attractive doctors, doctors who have never had kids and have never been married because we didn’t have the time during school or starting our careers. This is just a suggestion.. . As I don’t want you to die alone and have cats eat your face. That used to be my plan as well, until I met someone at 32. I understand your concern, I cried on my 30th birthday… but I am happy to announce that life continues beyond 30, you will still look good… And you’ll probably have more stability, new hobbies, and no cats:) oh and when I said to meet young professionals, I didn’t mean on online dating sites. .. Try networking groups like meetup. Com. All the best my friend!

  • Nikki W November 9, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    Steve I’ll be happy to gift you your first two cats…. Mine.

    • Single Steve November 12, 2013 at 9:40 pm

      Perfect. That will save me some money, so I can buy more cat toys.

  • Diana November 10, 2013 at 12:13 am

    Here’s the good news….Men (as opposed to women) CONTINUALLY regenerate FRESH ‘eggs’. It’s the women who are born with a ‘predetermined’ amount. Not only is that all they have for their lifetime, but when a woman is 40 yrs old, so are her dwindling supply of eggs. When a man is 40, his little ‘swimmers’ are only MINUTES to a few days old when they meet up with a woman’s eggs! Should you be 70 or 80 and STILL not have sired any kids…THAN you should be concerned (b/c you definitely won’t produce thousands of those little swimmers anymore, but only hundreds at that point).Yeah, you guys have it SOOOO hard.

    Here’s the bad news….as long as you ‘limit’ your possibilities to find love to your city/state…you limit your possibilities to find love. Times have changed. Take it from a woman a ‘little’ older than you and also a little ‘wiser’ to this fact b/c she has discovered this herself. For the first 35 years of my life, I was as limited to the same sad choices of men as I was to my area. After much soul searching & learning some very important life lessons, I decided to expand my search beyond just my city. I met & fell in love with a wonderful man from Italy. That didn’t work out,but it was the first relationship that was CLOSER to what i was looking for.. The next time, I met and fell in love with a man who lived hundreds of miles away (same country, just a few provinces away) Once again, it didn’t work. Unfortunately, he was enough like the same messed up men i fell in love with. Not alot, but just enough for it to end all too familiarly. BUT I can happily say that 3RD TIME’S A CHARM!!! Once again, not in my city, or even my country….but he is my ‘America’ neighbor :) You would think meeting and falling in love with someone who lives in my own city would make things easier, but in actuality, it has only complicated things. If THAT hasn’t convinced you than I’ll put it in terms that should….Statistically, the greater the number of single women there are in your age range to choose from, than the greater your chances are of finding your one true love.

    So, Single Steve….keep in mind that today’s 30 is like yesterday’s 20 (says an almost 50 year old woman who whose love of her life is 40 & has been told many times she looks much younger), a single 30 yr old man who is confident and comfortable in his own skin is much more sexy and attractive to a woman than a man 10 yrs younger than him, your reproduction capabilities age at a MUCH slower rate than you do, MANY women these days are barely just ready to get married when in their 30’s (and most of whom aren’t even ready to have kids yet),men generally mature at a slower rate than women, so most aren’t even marriage material until they’re in their 30’s AND expanding your ‘search boundaries’ will GREATLY increase your chances of finding the love of your life.expanding the cat population under your own roof won’t. (except crazy cat ladies). Last, but not least…you never know where you will meet your future soul mate, but how you conduct yourself in everydayl life should apply to anywhere you are. PERIOD. Whether online or off. If you are going to portray yourself as a negative,unhappy & foul mouthed person….than you need to consider who you will attract to you.

    BTW….there is NOTHING wrong with being ‘selective’ in your choices of what you are willing (and not willing) to accept on a dating website. That may ‘limit’ how many ‘matches’ you receive everyday, but the way I look at it….wouldn’t you prefer to get a couple of women whose characteristic,morals and values are more ‘in sync’ with what you are looking for , than to get 6=8 women everyday who have little of what you are looking for? I got the same message on Eharmony because I REFUSED to date a smoker. They tried to ‘encourage’ me make that not so ‘important’ to me. Too Bad. Eharmony. There are some things worthy of being flexible on to me. Being willing to kiss a dirty ashtray….is NOT! Ironically, I met my HERO, My ‘knight in shining armor’, my KING (and yes, I make my MAN FEEL LIKE A KING EVERYDAY HE IS IN MY LIFE), when he read my comment on a blog in Eharmony that I had posted the very same day I ‘reactivated’ my profile with Eharmony…..(which is the very same day he decided to go back to Eharmony to reactivate his). :) He said he was ‘intrigued’ by my comment and once he read my profile on Eharmony, he said he knew he had to meet me. Besides, I believe that everything that happens in our life….happens for a reason AND good things come to those who wait!

    BEST OF LUCK ‘Single’ Steve!

    • Robert November 10, 2013 at 5:10 pm

      Jesus. pump the breaks.
      First. google scarcasm
      second re-read the blog
      third put carne asada in your pockets

  • Daniella November 10, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Well well well welcome back. Of course I don’t want to say congratulations on not being married, but a little part of me does. Marriage can ruin creative juices, especially on something called SIngle Steve. I think people will shun me for this. Or stone me. But that’s okay, I am good at escape plans.

    Anyway, welcome back. Keep blogging please I need something to read in the wee hours.

  • Arturo F. November 12, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    Steve don’t worry man. I’m also 30 and single again as of this past July 2013.

    Fuck it dude, let’s go bowling!

    • Single Steve November 12, 2013 at 9:33 pm

      FUCK IT, lets go bowling.

  • Cali Bradshaw November 13, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    My dear Steve,

    I have had every single thought in this post within the last year and thus found this highly entertaining…. In fact right as I was about to scroll ahead and comment, “but Steve, I am 28 and single and awesome,” you called me out on that too 😉 Damn you, Steve. Damn you.

    That being said, I don’t think it’s quite as hopeless as you may think and I’d like to offer you a different perspective… (I wouldn’t be much of a dating blogger if I didn’t have a few pearls of useless wisdom). I think your missing a key point to this whole dating pool/math part thingy. You are right, the pool is shrinking… on BOTH sides. That’s why, when you aren’t actually a crazy cat lady (or in the case of guys, a burnt-out alcoholic douchebag) you are a hot commodity! You are the exception, the one that people don’t really think is still out there! Those 25 percent of woman are like, FML every dude who hasn’t already been swept up is such a fucking asshole, and then you come in and are all cool and successful like tadaaaa – they do exist…. So really, it’s an opportunity.

    I must say, being single at 28 has resulted in a lot more guy attention than when I was single at 24.

    Other pearl of wisdom… move to NY! It’s fabulous here and everyone is single. So even if we all die alone, we’ll have each other!

    Just my two cents! X0 – Cali

  • Farah P November 14, 2013 at 3:14 am

    I missed reading these! You crack me up. If you find yourself in Phoenix let me know, let’s grab a beer and laugh about dating nightmares. And next time I’m in your city I’ll let you know in advance, again, beer. Cause, beer.

    • Single Steve November 14, 2013 at 3:47 am

      YES. Because, beer.

  • El Bee November 14, 2013 at 5:01 am

    I may need to join you in Cat Challenge 2023.

    • Single Steve November 14, 2013 at 5:04 am

      At least we can die alone, together, and be buried with our 16 cats.

  • Laurel B. November 14, 2013 at 5:08 am

    Being a 30 year old divorcee, it isnt easy trying to wean back into this dating thing (not really where I saw myself either, as I should probably be having that third child sometime soon, you know because I should have at least 2 by 30) but my match.com experience had some interesting dates and one with a guy, who when I retell the story of that fateful meeting i refer to him as “gorilla hands” and not in the “ooo he has big hands” but in the “OMG! I think he could palm my face like a basketball” kind of way. There were a few others, but even a somewhat normal, relatively pretty woman like myself had a tough time finding love, or really I could barely even find someone to go out on a second date with me. So even us non-crazies struggle too. If you need the number for the “cat lady starter kit” I know a guy…

    And hey, you and I even dated when we were so mature, you know at the ripe old age of 16, when the world was our oyster. But 30 is starting to feel old, and just be happy your eggs are not actually going to dry up one day…and you don’t have to look forward to enduring the disaster that is menopause. Nor the crazy mood swings of raging “have a baby right now” hormones when all your friends are beautifully happy and pregnant and you realize you aren’t pregnant, are in no position to be pregnant or have a child, but your super genius brain can’t seem to over power the desire to procreate…stupid evolution.

    I’ll be glad to see your blogs again, and I still crack up even thinking about the drunken night you described when you woke up with carne asada in your pockets…priceless.

  • Selena's Friend November 22, 2013 at 7:31 am

    Single Steve, your blog is the best guilty pleasure of my interwebz reading list. And, when you stopped blogging I was actually mad at you. I’m stoked you’re back. I texted Selena to express my joy at your return to angrily online dating.

  • xojessicaxo December 3, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    I need a “Just divorced honk if your single” painting on my rear window. Love this bloggy.

  • Rajo December 18, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Hello Steve,
    I am 35 and just been newly single. I have to agree with you on how insanely hard is it to communicate with a woman on Eharmony. Adding to your long list of annoying items legacy, There was a feature in eharmony where it said when were you active last time. The girl I was dating used to snoop on my profile and picked a long crazy fight. She never closed the account and was actually communicating with others. I was the one who was thinking that it might work out. Well after 21/2 years of a very fulfilling relationship we have to break it off. I wasn’t rich enough. What ever it is. I am ready to move one. It really doesn’t make any difference if I have kids or not. I am back on Eharmony. I have been on there for a week or so. So Doing the math, I am communicating on level with about 80-90 women. Let me see what happens. I am very positive.

    Thanks,
    Eddy

  • Trevor December 24, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Don’t knock cats. I had my last cat in almost the exact same time period I was with my ex wife. He was more loyal, supportive, loving and affectionate than she ever was. And when she was sleeping around, he stuck by my side and came with me after the divorce. I loved that guy.

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