Posts Tagged Bathroom
How to get kicked out of Moondoggies
Posted by Single Steve in humor, moondoggies on March 31, 2009
On any given Thursday night there’s a 75 percent chance you will find me at Moondoggies (AKA Dude-Doggies/Line-Doggies) in PB. This jumps greatly to about 90 percent if I don’t have to work on that Friday, which happens to occur every other Friday. The following is a true story that happened a few weeks ago on such a magical Thursday night.
How to get kicked out of Moondoggies
Night’s going well. I’m feeling good about it, I don’t have to work tomorrow, I’m 5,6,7, 12 beers deep, and I’m hanging out with the greatest group of friends. Living the dream.
Anyone that knows me, knows I have the bladder of a 12 year old girl. Fact. Not a big a deal, a lot of grown men have the bladders of infants. So what. So I just got a brand new Dos Equis for the low low price of 2 American dollars, when I realize it’s been about 7 minutes since I last peed, and I should probably go again. I patiently wait in line, fumbling with my phone, thinking it’s almost time to start the drunk dials. Finally, it’ my turn to pee, I walk up to the urinal and place my beer on top of the metal piping leading to the urinal. I’ve done this a million times, a million. For the record that metal piping is a great beer holder, and I’d rather place it there than on top of the porcelain urinal. So I’m doing my thing, like it’s my job, when I see my beer start to slip off the top of my pipe holding place. This is where time slows down, matrix style, and I use my ninja like reflexes to reach up with my left hand and grab the falling beer. I think I even yelled a slow motion “noooooooooooo”. I caught it! Hurray! Saved two dollars in beer. Unfortunately since it was a brand new beer, it shook up and did that volcano thing where it shoots out like you’re celebrating winning the championship. Except I didn’t win a championship, I just caught my beer. It made a mess all over the wall, I’m going to be honest, but it was like 3 feet above the urinal so I thought it wasn’t a huge deal. I regain composure, zip up and start washing my hands…..
I’m washing my hands, when I hear “WHO THE FUCK PEED ALL OVER THE WALL!?” Me, with my back turned to the world, as I wash my hands, assume it’s some guy joking because I obviously didn’t peed on the wall 13 feet in the air. So I jokingly raised my hand, and said “yeeeeeep, I peed alllllll over the wall!” (in a sarcastic drunk voice). Just then, Muscle Mcgee secrurity guard reaches over and smashes my beer into the garbage, and informs me “It’s time to go”. At this point I STLL think he’s joking because I mean come on, does he really think I used my 46 since inch vertical and THEN peed on the wall!?
I comply because in my drunk stooper, I assume for some reason he’s going to escort me out of the bathroom and say “Just kidding! I know you didn’t pee on on the roof! Thanks for coming in, always a pleasure to see you. Have you lost weight??” Turns out he didn’t say any of that. In fact, it finally occurred to me “OH shit, he’s not joking, I’m being kicked out”. This is at the point I’m being shoved through the dance floor with flash lights being shined in my face, to help guide me out. I try to explain to him the silly mix up of how it’s not pee, it’s beer, but it’s way too loud. I get outside, see the line queued up to get in, I try and plead my case one more time. The last thing I remembered yelling at him was “BUT…but… I’m the Designated Driver, you can’t kick me out!?” He didn’t even respond. He just stared. I was obviously drunk, obviously not the DD, and obviously defeated by the super genius bouncers at the door. I walked away laughing at the ridiculousness that just occurred, walked to a friends house where I called it a night.
And that’s how you get kicked out of Moondoggies for doing nothing. Well, almost thing.
p.s.
I er um actually need a date for a wedding this Saturday (April 4th) …..if that story about being kicked out of a bar didn’t deter you, please let me know. It’s Saturday night….Steve@SingleSteve.com OR if you know my real facebook or gmail….. But seriously, I need a date and I promise you a fun time.
Tired of missing new blogs when they come out? Have them sent to your email!
Bathroom Humor
Posted by Single Steve in Bathroom, humor, rant on February 23, 2009
Last Thursday was a great day. I pulled the classic Ferris Bueller, which includes skipping work to drink beer and go to a Padres game. Afterwards we made our way to an Irish pub, had some car bombs and more drinks. We got hungry and visited the ever classy KFC, p.s. I LOVE KFC, where I proceeded to smash sweet sweet fried chicken into my fat face. Ended the night at Moondoggies 2 dollar you call it’s, of course. A great F-ing day.
For those of you that know me, know me, know I have the bladder of a 12 year old girl while drinking. So since Thursday was a heavy drinking day , I probably went to the restroom a total of 103 times, and that’s probably a modest estimate. Since I was spending so much time in the restroom it gave me opportunity to make some general observations and scientific analysis about men’s restrooms. Please enjoy.
During the 5th inning of the Padres game I went to restroom, walked up to the urinal and started doing my business as normal. Shortly after a man with a girl atop his shoulders walked up and started peeing next to me. She must have been at least 14 years old, actually I exaggerate, she was probably about 5 years old. This got me thinking at what age is it not socially “okay” to bring your daughter into the restroom? I know it’s kind of a rough spot being the “Dad” and having to take your daughter to the restroom, and really the only reason why this thought crossed my mind was because she started making comments to the extent of:
“Daddy I can see your pee pee”
Awkward.
At this point I was force to lean dangerous close to urinal just to protect my massive(ha) junk from this young and impressionable girl who was sneaking peaks from a birds eye view. For those ladies who may be unfamiliar, there exist such safe zones in which one can stand from the urinal in which he can be safe from the hazards of peeing. Hazards of peeing you ask? You have no ideas the dangers we put ourselves through on a daily bases.
This got me thinking even deeper. Well you know, for as deep as I can think.
How much could those dividers between the urinals possible cost? I mean they provide for such a better bathroom experience yet somehow in today’s world of lasers and clear Pepsi, some bathrooms STILL don’t have these 5 dollar pieces of wood between the urinals!? I just don’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I have no phobia or paranoia about peeing in front of other dudes, it’s just the fact that given the choice of urinal divider or not, I pick divider. It provides for a more comfortable pee. Some of you may think I’m being ridiculous, well I think it’s ridiculous that they spend millions of dollars making a building but can’t spend 10 dollars per restroom to provide for a better peeing experience. Absurd I say!
This is it.
This is my purpose in life.
I know why I was put on this earth. I was put here to raise awareness about and find a cure for UDD, Urinal Divider Dysfunction. Together we can fight UDD and the millions of restrooms suffering from it. UDD has been crippling social awkward pee-ers for decades. Forcing them to use the stalls, or making them pretend they have to go any more and in some cases holding in pee until there bladder explodes and they die a terrible terrible urine death. NO MORE I say, no more. Today starts my campaign:
“In Divider We trust”
A divider for every bathroom!
But I digress.
Moral of the story is, if you build a fucking building put in urinal dividers. Please.
Later in the night I made my way to happiest place on earth, yeah that’s right, Moondoggies. Thursday nights is best night to be alive. Two dollar you call it’s, plus good friends equals a greeeeat night. While standing in line, for what seemed to be hours, I made some obvious observations about several of the idiots pee-ing. No I wasn’t standing there with pencil and paper watching dudes pee, though that is funny to think about and would have surely gotten me uppercutted, I was just casually drunk swaying thinking about the different type of urinal users.
There’s more, but I’m lazy.
Hopefully I captured the men’s restroom for all its glory.Not sure if women will find this comical, hopefully the guys can relate?
Let me know thoughts, feelings, concerns.
Recent Comments