“My life is like a romantic comedy. Except without the romantic and double the comedy.”

If I ever wrote a book, that’s what I would call it.
Even if the book has nothing to do being single, and the comedy that is my life, I just think it’s a good title. I wanted to name it “Ernest Goes to Camp”, but apparently there’s already a movie called that.

I always think my life is going to be an awesome romantic comedy. You know the one where the best friends don’t realize their perfect for each other until he’s at the altar, ready to marry a girl who’s a super bitch. And she comes running down the isle just in time to stop the wedding, confess her love and then they ride off into the sunset on ponies. Yeah, that one. Eh, probably not going to happen. Instead my love life is more like the movie Jurassic Park 3, which just sucked. But this blog isn’t going to be a whaaaaambulence, so let’s move on.

Let’s see what to write about…….hmm…..so apparently I’m a tyrant.  Or at least I strike fear into hearts of many. Well, maybe not many, but at least like 6 or so. So from what I hear from the word on the street, there are people out there who are AFRAID to join my facebook fan page. Say whaaaaaaaaa. Yeah. Afraid. Apparently there is fear I’m going to crush and make fun of random profiles of fans of the facebook group.

I don’t know where this irrational fear is coming from, well maybe I do, but I don’t it’s something that should prevent YOU from becoming a fan and following the blog.
You’re probably thinking, “Steven you’re just being paranoid, no one is actually afraid you’re going to make fun of their profiles”. First of all, shut the fuck up. This is my blog, stop talking. Secondly, you say something again and I swear to god I’m going to put your profile on blast so hard….I mean…no…I don’t do that. I mean what I’m trying to say is I’ve heard on multiple occasions people are afraid to follow the blog because they fear I might make fun of them….

I give you Exhibit A:
During one of my daily creep sweeps of facebook I ran across this comment on a friend’s facebook wall…..

I learned 3 things from this facebook post.
1.) Staci is afraid I’m going to terrorize her and her facebook profile
2.) Staci thinks Stephanie is a slut
3.) Stephanie thinks Staci is a hooker

Let’s focus on number 1. So I’ve never met Staci, and we’re not friends on facebook. Not that I don’t think we couldn’t be friends in real life, we just aren’t. She’s read the blog, and has this impression that I’m an uber jerk who goes around making fun of random people just to be a jerk.

She’s mostly right, but what she doesn’t know is I only make fun of two types of people:
1.) Dudes who don’t know where I live
2.) Girls who don’t read my blog

As far as I can tell from your small facebook profile pic that has 3 girls in it, you Staci, fall into the “random attractive girl that reads my blog” category. Which I then would then HIGHLY encourage you read/follow the blog without any hesitation. I wouldn’t even be mad if you decided to start stalking me. I’m just saying, think about it, just throwing it out.

My dating coach better be a miracle worker

As you may recall, I got me an official dating coach.. This person with the handle name of  @onlinewingwoman, stumbled across me and my blogs and she offered her services, sounds like a win win. The process has been going well enough, had some emails back and forth, about my online profile. So I extremely appreciate her insights and thoughts in helping me with my online profile, so when I share with you her thoughts it’s in no way condescending to her. I’m saying this to stay in her good graces, Just in case she still wants to make out with me. But I digress.

She’s has some good insights, as I am going to share them with you:

1.) I smile too much in my pictures
It’s true. If you check my facebook profile pictures you will see the same SUPER cheese smile in 99 percent of my 1000 photos. She wanted me to send her some photos where I wasn’t smiling. I couldn’t find a single photo of me not smiling. This might be an issue, apparently.

2.) She suggested I buy The Game by Neil Strauss
I did. I’m currently on page 2 after two weeks of reading. It could take a while

3.) “Your main problem is that you look waaaayyyy to nice in your pictures”
FML. Looking to nice is a problem!? I don’t disagree. I just can’t do anything about that. Right!? She then said “when a guy looks too nice the girl thinks, “oh, he won’t be able to take care of me in the bedroom” FML squared. Is that really what a girl thinks when she see’s a nice guy?? Because it’s not true. Ask anyone who’s slept with me. I’ve given many of them the best 34 seconds of their lives. Did I mention most of those 34 seconds were in a row? Yeah. So think about THAT next time you see a nice guy. But I do agree, I am lacking a bad boy dangerous element to my game. But is that really the path I want to go down on? (That’s what she said)

I was also google chatting with another friend of mine, telling him some of this advice she was giving me. I told him she thought I looked to nice. His deep words of wisdom:

Awesome. I’ll keep you updated.

Our company holiday party was this weekend. I actually had a date? Don’t worry she was just friend. She was the best date ever, tons of fun. I drank too much…… shocking? I introduced her to the VP of company as my fiancé, she was awesome and went with it. Oh booze. We hit up the photo booth like 100 times. Here is the low resolution (to protect identities) picture of the pictures:

This is the year. I can feel it. The year I get the cliché midnight New Years kiss. THANK GOD my friends are avoiding the expensive hotel party this year. I HATE those things. You pay $150 to wait in line to get in, to wait in line to get “free” drinks (I paid 150 bitches!?), wait in line pee, to wait in line to get into the dance areas. No thanks. And we all go as a group and only talk to the same 15 people we brought anyways. This year were doing a house party, should be a good time with good friends. Problem with that is, since it’s going to be all my friends at this party, the midnight kiss is looking like a null point. I mean if I haven’t made out randomly with my friends now, I don’t think New Years Eve is going to be the difference maker. Should be a great time either way!

So to recap. Don’t be afraid to join the facebook fan page, I promise I won’t make fun of you. You’re probably thinking “Steven why are you harping so much on people joining your stupid little facebook fan page, isn’t that a little vain, you vain son of bitch”. Again. What the fuck did I say about talking during my blog. Do it again, and I will cut you. But, good point. Basically it’s all I got to motivate me to update this blog regularly. If I see new people joining, people commenting, commanding me to write new blogs, I’ll think people are actually interested and want me to write a new blog. Ya dig? Also comments help to…..

Have a great holiday and happy new year! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do….