Posts Tagged dating
Okcupid.com Date: FAIL
Posted by Single Steve in humor on January 29, 2010
Let me just start off by saying, I’m terrible internet human being. Absolutely terrible, probably the worst.
NOW, with that being said, it’s time for me to be a jerk, so sit back and let me tell you about an absolutely terrible date I went on a week ago from the free online dating website okcupid. Well, it wasn’t terrible terrible, but I guess I was just more optimistic about my first date (with a human being) in 6 months. I guess that’s my fault.
So lets set the scene, me, habitual pathetic online dater, I’ve almost completely saturated the girls of okcupid.com. And by saturate I don’t mean I’ve dated every girl on okcupid.com and it’s time for me to move on. By saturate I mean I’ve gone one 1 date, but I’ve probably sent emails to every girl aged between 22 and 30, who I thought was attractive, that lives in a 30 mile radius of San Diego. No it wasn’t all at once, creep, it was over the course of time. Thankfully for me, okcupid lets me know I’ve already sent an email out to said girl, and when I sent it. And once you send an email and don’t get a response, you probably shouldn’t send another opening email. Or maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong? Maybe I need to send 13 emails to a girl before she responds
Anyways, a girl, a human girl, actually responded back to my email! I know right. Making me one for 437. Not bad. I’ve always been told it was a numbers game. Girl and I email back and forth a couple times, and it was decided we were going to go out on a “date”. GULP. My first date date in 6 months, kind of a big deal.
So about the girl, here’s her stats…..
Right? So nothing to be concerned about, just your average girl. Game on.
She seemed interesting and funny via email, but we all know typed words can be deceiving. Like apparently my blogs make me sounds like a funny white guy, yeah, like that.
What did she look like you ask!?
Physically she was um…pretty? Well if you average all of her photos together, she was pretty. What do you mean average all of her photos together you ask? Well shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you what I mean. I mean, good question. I MEEEEEEAN, on okcupid you can post multiple photos of yourself. Said girl had 5 photos. That’s 5 opportunities for me to decide my physical attractiveness to her before our date. That’s IF her photos had all been from the same time frame.
Her 5th photo was the most attractive, but I feel like that was also the LEAST recent. The 4th was the next best and so on, until you get to her main profile picture (1st photo), which looks almost like a completely different person from her 5th photo.
Yeah, I’m a terrible. Oh well. And it’s not like I haven’t put on weight since the 8th grade either, but I’m not going to post up a picture from then, trying to pass off like I still might be at my 8th grade weight. All of my pictures are current and look like me. Except this one.
So knowing that mostly likely she was probably going to be looking more like picture 1, then picture 5, I still decided to go out on the date. HEY! I know what you’re thinking “You shallow son of bitch”, fuck your couch. I’m not as shallow as you think, BUT I think we’d all be lying if we said that physical attractiveness wasn’t important. You have to be physically attracted to the person, at least initially. No girl ever looks across the bar and says ‘Oh my god, that guy looks really fucking ha-larious, I’m going to grind on him”. No girl EVER does that. It’s more like “Oh my god, that guy has massive pecks and a sweet Ed Hardy shirt, I’m going to go grind on him”
I have to light myself on fire and start break dancing, just to get girls to notice me at bars.
But I digress, so after averaging all her pictures together I decided I was attracted enough to go out on a date with her. I mean I haven’t been on a date in Fooooooreeeeeevaaaaar (Sand Lot style), and I thought why the F not. Who knows maybe she’ll be twice as awesome in person?
The Date
The date…..so I suggested dinner and drinks, she seemed excited about the idea. So I’ve got this cliché date I always do, always. I’ve used this same date sequence on probably and literally 10 girls since being in San Diego. Some of them were date dates, some of them were just friends I was trying to make out with. So what’s the date. The date always starts off at the same nice quant Italian restaurant a few blocks from me (in Hillcrest), they have an awesome, and a very intimate atmosphere. After we have a good meal, and a bottle wine, I then I suggest we walk ½ a block down the street to Wine Steals. Wine Steals is a great place to continue the drinking and the conversation, while emphasizing my “grown-up-ness”. As opposed to suggesting after dinner we go down to Dirty Birds in PB and shotgun beers. ALTHOUGH I wouldn’t be opposed to dating a girl that did that, I just don’t feel like that’s a first date move.
Yeah that’s my date move, and that’s how it supposed to work, at least in my head. It never works as planned, I usually blow it about wine steals, which is about the time I start smelling her hair when she’s not looking. I have to stop doing that.
If you’re reading this blog and thinking “Oh shit!? Steven and I went to that Italian place for dinner, and then he suggested we go to Wine Steals afterwards, but we’re jut friends, he wasn’t trying to bang me…… Right?” Wrong. Well I probably wasn’t trying to bang you, but I was at least trying to make out with you. Sorry, I’m not sorry.
And for future girls, that I casually suggest we go to this really good Italian restaurant near my house, it’s actually code for “I’m going to buy you dinner and drinks on the 5 percent change you want to make out with me”. So now you know.
Anyways, focus, THIS was the date plan.
I get to her apartment, give her call, and she said she’ll be right down. Now the time between when she hangs up and she actually gets down stairs is probably the most nervous 4 minutes of the date for me. I frantically, do a last minute breathe and teeth check, I start smashing all the AC buttons to make sure the car is at a comfortable air temperature, and then I nervously flip through the radio stations to find a “cool” song.
She opens the doors, and immediately I notice this is NOT the girl from photo 5, nor photo 4, nor 3, nor 2, nor 1. It’s worst than we feared….much worse……the girl from photo negative 2 showed up (I’m a terrible human being, I know). I’m a little rattled as she starts approaching the car (literally, think Jurassic Park…), but I’m an extremely optimistic person, I thinking I’m going to make the most of this date and maybe well just have a super duper awesome time. Maybe.
(NO I’m not going to show you photos of her, that would just be mean. Although I have shown photos of her to just about everyone I’ve told this story to in real life, so meet up with me in “real life” if you’d like to see pictures that accompany this story.)
(AND for the record, I like girls with a little meat on them. I don’t like really skinny girls, I feel like I’m going to break them, or eat them, it’s just not normal. I like girls that would be considered average to bigger than average, for the record. BUT she was bigger than even I would find attractive)
She gets into the car and she smells of sweet sweet perfume and there was something else, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she definitely smelt of something much different that perfume. I figured it out, but not, till much later….
We make our way to the Italian place, order food, order wine, have an average conversation. Nothing spectacular, nothing terrible. I’m a talker, I can make it work regardless of how little she talked. After dinner I proceed to start progressing towards step 2, suggest we go get a drink at a really classy wine bar about half a block away, she fires back with we should go to Aerobar. Aerobar!? I’ve never been, but I always see it off the freeway on the sketchy frontage road. Going along with her suggestion, we head out to Aerobar.
We get to Aerobar, and it’s exactly what I would expect it to look like. Small, narrow, one bar with some pool tables in the back. The bar is packed, all local older San Diegian type of crowd. We sit down at the bar and order a drink. What she FORGOT to mention is that this place is basically her Cheers. Awesome. I mean I love meeting new people and being social, and I’m really good at it. But she is constantly telling me to wait right here, she’ll be back, and runs off to chat with a group across the bar, it’s starts getting old reeeeeeal quick. I didn’t come to Aerobar to sit by myself, and watch a 40 something couple make out 3 feet away from me like the Titanic was going down. I didn’t. She finally has a seat and we start talking again when she gets interrupted by her phone ringing. She opens up her purse to grab her phone, and what did my little eyes spy that ended any hope of a second date??
Cigarettes. Really? Cigarettes? Who still smokes? It’s the year two thousand fucking ten.
Also she was talking about running a half marathon this year. Um, step one, stop fucking SMOKING. I know I might be over reacting, you’re thinking it was just a pack of cigarettes Steven you don’t even know if they were hers, or how often she smokes. Shut up, this is my blog, I can over react anyway I want. But THEN it clicked. When she got into the car she smelt like sweet sweet perfume and terrible terrible cigarette smoke. FAIL. This is a deal breaker. I will NOT date someone that’s smokes. I did date a girl that smoked only when she drank, and I hated it. She smelt like smoke, tasted like smoke and made me smell like smoke.
Pretty much I stopped listening. No physical attraction, no mental attraction AND she smokes. Fail. Date could not end quick enough. We get back to her house, I drop her off, no hug, no kiss, just a “Well, see ya later”.
As soon as I got home, I immediately logged onto okcupid, to check her profile to see if she said she smokes….as you can check above, I guess she did say she smokes. FUCK. I guess I was just so excited to get a response message from someone I didn’t do my usually background, profile creep sweep before hand. Smoking was just the straw that broke the camels back, not the only thing that helped me make my decision for no second date. F! I really wanted the date to go well. Well I really want any date to go well.
I hope it’s not another 6 months before my next date. . . I like dates, I like having dates, I like having someone to enjoy this adventure of life with me (not to get all emo on you). But seriously, I’m too awesome, and do awesome things which require a partner in crime. I’m tried of being my friend’s 3rd, 5th, and 7th wheel on their date nights. Oh they say they’re not date nights, but they’re date nights.
So what am I looking for you ask??? I’m glad you asked. I actually have been building a list of requirements for my next girlfriend. Yes, requirements, I’m an engineer, what do you fucking want from me. Basically, I tweet periodically with the hash tag #RFMNGF which is Requirements For My Next GirlFriend. When ever an idea or thought pops into my head about something I would like my next girlfriend to have or do, I tweet about it.
I’ve started the page here:
RFMNGF
Those are my requirements, let me know if you meet those, or know someone that does. That list is growing daily
I’ll mention quickly on the way out of this blog…..
I may or may not have a “date” with this girl next week:The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single
She’s single, blogs, funny, Hispanic and lives in San Diego!? Sounds like my internet twin. I suggest you become a fan, read her blogs, and give me some tips and advice on how to prepare.
I’ll keep you posted. Also big thanks to Shawn from Ragaboo.com, he was critical in helping me draft the perfect facebook message to her. Check out his blog, it’s most hilarious!
I live for comments. I’m kind of a whore like that.
Invite your friends to blog. I bet they’ll like it.
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Let me just start off by saying, I’m terrible internet human being. Absolutely terrible, probably the worst.
NOW, with that being said, it’s time for me to be a jerk, so sit back and let me tell you about an absolutely terrible date I went on a week ago from the free online dating website okcupid. Well, it wasn’t terrible terrible, but I guess I was just more optimistic about my first date (with a human being) in 6 months. I guess that’s my fault.
So lets set the scene, me, habitual pathetic online dater, I’ve almost completely saturated the girls of okcupid.com. And by saturate I don’t mean I’ve dater every girl on okcupid.com and it’s time for me to move on. By saturate I mean I’ve gone one 1 date, but I’ve probably sent emails to every girl aged between 22 and 30, who I thought was attractive, that lives in a 30 mile radius of San Diego. No it wasn’t all at once, creep, it was over the course of time. Thankfully for me, okcupid lets me know I’ve already sent an email out to said girl, and when I sent it. And once you send an email and don’t get a response, you probably shouldn’t send another opening email. Or maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong? Maybe I need to send 13 emails to a girl before she responds.
Anyways, a girl, a human girl, actually responded back to my email! I know right. Making me one for 437. Not bad. I’ve always been told it was a numbers game. Girl and I email back and forth a couple times, and it was decided we were going to go out on a “date”. GULP. My first date date in 6 months, kind of a big deal.
So about the girl, here’s her stats…..
Right? So nothing to be concerned about, just your average girl. Game on.
She seemed interesting and funny via email, but we all know typed words can be deceiving. Like apparently my blogs make me sounds like a funny white guy, yeah, like that.
What did she look like you ask!?
Physically she was um…pretty? Well if you average all of her photos together, she was pretty. What do you mean average all of her photos together you ask? Well shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you what I mean. I mean, good question. I MEEEEEEAN, on okcupid you can post multiple photos of yourself. Said girl had 5 photos. That’s 5 opportunities for me to decide my physical attractiveness to her before our date. That’s IF her photos had all been from the same time frame.
Her 5th photo was the most attractive, but I feel like that was also the LEAST recent. The 4th was the next best and so on, until you get to her main profile picture (1st photo), which looks almost like a completely different person from her 5th photo.
Yeah, I’m a terrible. Oh well. And it’s not like I haven’t put on weight since the 8th grade either, but I’m not going to post up a picture from then, trying to pass off like I still might be at my 8th grade weight. All of my pictures current and look like me. Except this one.
So knowing that mostly likely she was probably going to be looking more like picture 1, then picture 5, I still decided to go out on the date. HEY! I know what you’re thinking “You shallow son of bitch”, fuck your couch. I’m not as shallow as you think, BUT I think we’d all be lying if we said that physical attractiveness wasn’t important. You have to be physically attracted to the person, at least initially. No girl ever looks across the bar and says ‘Oh my god, that guy looks really fucking ha-larious, I’m going to grind on him”. No girl EVER does that. It’s more like “Oh my god, that guy has massive pecks and a sweet Ed Hardy shirt, I’m going to go grind on him”
I have to light myself on fire and start break dancing, just to get girls to notice me at bars.
But I digress, so after averaging all her pictures together I decided I was attracted enough to go out on a date with her. I mean I haven’t been on a date in Fooooooreeeeeevaaaaar (Sand Lot style), and I thought why the F not. Who knows maybe she’ll be twice as awesome in person?
The Date
The date…..so I suggested dinner and drinks, she seemed excited about the idea. So I’ve got this cliché date I always do, always. I’ve used this same date sequence on probably and literally 10 girls since being in San Diego. Some of them were date dates, some of them were just friends I was trying to make out with. So what’s the date. The date always starts off at the same nice quant Italian restaurant a few blocks from me (in Hillcrest), they have an awesome, and a very intimate atmosphere. After we have a good meal, and a bottle wine, I then I suggest we walk ½ a block down the street to Wine Steals. Wine Steals is a great place to continue the drinking and the conversation, while emphasizing my “grown-up-ness”. As opposed to suggesting after dinner we go down to Dirty Birds in PB and shotgun beers. ALTHOUGH I wouldn’t be opposed to dating a girl that did that, I just don’t feel like that’s a first date move.
Yeah that’s my date move, and that’s how it supposed to work, at least in my head. It never works as planned, I usually blow it about wine steals, which is about the time I start smelling her hair when she’s not looking. I have to stop doing that.
If you’re reading this blog and thinking “Oh shit!? Steven and I went to that Italian place for dinner, and then he suggested we go to Wine Steals afterwards, but we’re jut friends, he wasn’t trying to bang me…… Right?” Wrong. Well I probably wasn’t trying to bang you, but I was at least trying to make out with you. Sorry, I’m not sorry.
And for future girls, that I casually suggest we go to this really good Italian restaurant near my house, it’s actually code for “I’m going to buy you dinner and drinks on the 5 percent change you want to make out with me”. So now you know.
Anyways, focus, THIS was the date plan.
I get to her apartment, give her call, and she said she’ll be right down. Now the time between when she hangs up and she actually gets down stairs is probably the most nervous 4 minutes of the date for me. I frantically, do a last minute breathe and teeth check, I start smashing all the AC buttons to make sure the car is at a comfortable air temperature, and then I nervously flip through the radio stations to find a “cool” song.
She opens the doors, and immediately I notice this is NOT the girl from photo 5, nor photo 4, nor 3, nor 2, nor 1. It’s worst than we feared….much worse……the girl from photo negative 2 showed up (I’m a terrible human being, I know). I’m a little rattled as she starts approaching the car (literally, think Jurassic Park…), but I’m an extremely optimistic person, I thinking I’m going to make the most of this date and maybe well just have a super duper awesome time. Maybe.
(NO I’m not going to show you photos of her, that would just be mean. Although I have shown photos of her to just about everyone I’ve told this story to in real life, so meet up with me in “real life” if you’d like to see pictures that accompany this story.)
(AND for the record, I like girls with a little meat on them. I don’t like really skinny girls, I feel like I’m going to break them, or eat them, it’s just not normal. I like girls that would be considered average to bigger than average, for the record. BUT she was bigger than even I would find attractive)
She gets into the car and she smells of sweet sweet perfume and there was something else, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she definitely smelt of something much different that perfume. I figured it out, but not, till much later….
We make our way to the Italian place, order food, order wine, have an average conversation. Nothing spectacular, nothing terrible. I’m a talker, I can make it work regardless of how little she talked. After dinner I proceed to start progressing towards step 2, suggest we go get a drink at a really classy wine bar about half a block away, she fires back with we should go to Aerobar. Aerobar!? I’ve never been, but I always see it off the freeway on the sketchy frontage road. Going along with her suggestion, we head out to Aerobar.
We get to Aerobar, and it’s exactly what I would expect it to look like. Small, narrow, one bar with some pool tables in the back. The bar is packed, all local older San Diegian type of crowd. We sit down at the bar and order a drink. What she FORGOT to mention is that this place is basically her Cheers. Awesome. I mean I love meeting new people and being social, and I’m really good at it. But she is constantly telling me to wait right here, she’ll be back, and runs off to chat with a group across the bar, it’s starts getting old reeeeeeal quick. I didn’t come to Aerobar to sit by myself, and watch a 40 something couple make out 3 feet away from me like the Titanic was going down. I didn’t. She finally has a seat and we start talking again when she gets interrupted by her phone ringing. She opens up her purse to grab her phone, and what did my little eyes spy that ended any hope of a second date??
Cigarettes. Really? Cigarettes? Who still smokes? It’s the year two thousand fucking ten.
Also she was talking about running a half marathon this year. Um, step one, stop fucking SMOKING. I know I might be over reacting, you’re thinking it was just a pack of cigarettes Steven you don’t even know if they were hers, or how often she smokes. Shut up, this is my blog, I can over react anyway I want. But THEN it clicked. When she got into the car she smelt like sweet sweet perfume and terrible terrible cigarette smoke. FAIL. This is a deal breaker. I will NOT date someone that’s smokes. I did date a girl that smoked only when she drank, and I hated it. She smelt like smoke, tasted like smoke and made me smell like smoke.
Pretty much I stopped listening. No physical attraction, no mental attraction AND she smokes. Fail. Date could not end quick enough. We get back to her house, I drop her off, no hug, no kiss, just a “Well, see ya later”.
As soon as I got home, I immediately logged onto okcupid, to check her profile to see if she said she smokes….as you can check above, I guess she did say she smokes. FUCK. I guess I was just so excited to get a response message from someone I didn’t do my usually background, profile creep sweep before hand. Smoking was just the straw that broke the camels back, not the only thing that helped me make my decision for no second date. F! I really wanted the date to go well. Well I really want any date to go well.
I hope it’s not another 6 months before my next date. . . I like dates, I like having dates, I like having someone to enjoy this adventure of life with me (not to get all emo on you). But seriously, I’m too awesome, and do awesome things which require a partner in crime. I’m tried of being my friend’s 3rd, 5th, and 7th wheel on their date nights. Oh they say they’re not date nights, but they’re date nights.
So what am I looking for you ask??? I’m glad you asked. I actually have been building a list of requirements for my next girlfriend. Yes, requirements, I’m an engineer, what do you fucking want from me. Basically, I tweet periodically with the hash tag #RFMNGF which is Requirements For My Next GirlFriend. When ever an idea or thought pops into my head about something I would like my next girlfriend to have or do, I tweet about it.
I’ve started the page here:
RFMNGF
Those are my requirements, let me know if you meet those, or know someone that does. That list is growing daily
I’ll mention quickly on the way out of this blog…..
I may or may not have a “date” with this girl next week:
The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single
I’ll keep you posted. Also big thanks to Shawn from Ragoboo.com, he was critical in helping me draft the perfect facebook message to her. Check out his blog, it’s most hilarious!
My Life Is Like A Romantic Comedy
Posted by Single Steve in Dating Coach, dating, humor, online dating on December 16, 2009
“My life is like a romantic comedy. Except without the romantic and double the comedy.”
If I ever wrote a book, that’s what I would call it.
Even if the book has nothing to do being single, and the comedy that is my life, I just think it’s a good title. I wanted to name it “Ernest Goes to Camp”, but apparently there’s already a movie called that.
I always think my life is going to be an awesome romantic comedy. You know the one where the best friends don’t realize their perfect for each other until he’s at the altar, ready to marry a girl who’s a super bitch. And she comes running down the isle just in time to stop the wedding, confess her love and then they ride off into the sunset on ponies. Yeah, that one. Eh, probably not going to happen. Instead my love life is more like the movie Jurassic Park 3, which just sucked. But this blog isn’t going to be a whaaaaambulence, so let’s move on.
Let’s see what to write about…….hmm…..so apparently I’m a tyrant. Or at least I strike fear into hearts of many. Well, maybe not many, but at least like 6 or so. So from what I hear from the word on the street, there are people out there who are AFRAID to join my facebook fan page. Say whaaaaaaaaa. Yeah. Afraid. Apparently there is fear I’m going to crush and make fun of random profiles of fans of the facebook group.
I don’t know where this irrational fear is coming from, well maybe I do, but I don’t it’s something that should prevent YOU from becoming a fan and following the blog.
You’re probably thinking, “Steven you’re just being paranoid, no one is actually afraid you’re going to make fun of their profiles”. First of all, shut the fuck up. This is my blog, stop talking. Secondly, you say something again and I swear to god I’m going to put your profile on blast so hard….I mean…no…I don’t do that. I mean what I’m trying to say is I’ve heard on multiple occasions people are afraid to follow the blog because they fear I might make fun of them….
I give you Exhibit A:
During one of my daily creep sweeps of facebook I ran across this comment on a friend’s facebook wall….. 
I learned 3 things from this facebook post.
1.) Staci is afraid I’m going to terrorize her and her facebook profile
2.) Staci thinks Stephanie is a slut
3.) Stephanie thinks Staci is a hooker
Let’s focus on number 1. So I’ve never met Staci, and we’re not friends on facebook. Not that I don’t think we couldn’t be friends in real life, we just aren’t. She’s read the blog, and has this impression that I’m an uber jerk who goes around making fun of random people just to be a jerk.
She’s mostly right, but what she doesn’t know is I only make fun of two types of people:
1.) Dudes who don’t know where I live
2.) Girls who don’t read my blog
As far as I can tell from your small facebook profile pic that has 3 girls in it, you Staci, fall into the “random attractive girl that reads my blog” category. Which I then would then HIGHLY encourage you read/follow the blog without any hesitation. I wouldn’t even be mad if you decided to start stalking me. I’m just saying, think about it, just throwing it out.
My dating coach better be a miracle worker
As you may recall, I got me an official dating coach.. This person with the handle name of @onlinewingwoman, stumbled across me and my blogs and she offered her services, sounds like a win win. The process has been going well enough, had some emails back and forth, about my online profile. So I extremely appreciate her insights and thoughts in helping me with my online profile, so when I share with you her thoughts it’s in no way condescending to her. I’m saying this to stay in her good graces, Just in case she still wants to make out with me. But I digress.
She’s has some good insights, as I am going to share them with you:
1.) I smile too much in my pictures
It’s true. If you check my facebook profile pictures you will see the same SUPER cheese smile in 99 percent of my 1000 photos. She wanted me to send her some photos where I wasn’t smiling. I couldn’t find a single photo of me not smiling. This might be an issue, apparently.
2.) She suggested I buy The Game by Neil Strauss
I did. I’m currently on page 2 after two weeks of reading. It could take a while
3.) “Your main problem is that you look waaaayyyy to nice in your pictures”
FML. Looking to nice is a problem!? I don’t disagree. I just can’t do anything about that. Right!? She then said “when a guy looks too nice the girl thinks, “oh, he won’t be able to take care of me in the bedroom” FML squared. Is that really what a girl thinks when she see’s a nice guy?? Because it’s not true. Ask anyone who’s slept with me. I’ve given many of them the best 34 seconds of their lives. Did I mention most of those 34 seconds were in a row? Yeah. So think about THAT next time you see a nice guy. But I do agree, I am lacking a bad boy dangerous element to my game. But is that really the path I want to go down on? (That’s what she said)
I was also google chatting with another friend of mine, telling him some of this advice she was giving me. I told him she thought I looked to nice. His deep words of wisdom:
Awesome. I’ll keep you updated.
Our company holiday party was this weekend. I actually had a date? Don’t worry she was just friend. She was the best date ever, tons of fun. I drank too much…… shocking? I introduced her to the VP of company as my fiancé, she was awesome and went with it. Oh booze. We hit up the photo booth like 100 times. Here is the low resolution (to protect identities) picture of the pictures:
This is the year. I can feel it. The year I get the cliché midnight New Years kiss. THANK GOD my friends are avoiding the expensive hotel party this year. I HATE those things. You pay $150 to wait in line to get in, to wait in line to get “free” drinks (I paid 150 bitches!?), wait in line pee, to wait in line to get into the dance areas. No thanks. And we all go as a group and only talk to the same 15 people we brought anyways. This year were doing a house party, should be a good time with good friends. Problem with that is, since it’s going to be all my friends at this party, the midnight kiss is looking like a null point. I mean if I haven’t made out randomly with my friends now, I don’t think New Years Eve is going to be the difference maker. Should be a great time either way!
So to recap. Don’t be afraid to join the facebook fan page, I promise I won’t make fun of you. You’re probably thinking “Steven why are you harping so much on people joining your stupid little facebook fan page, isn’t that a little vain, you vain son of bitch”. Again. What the fuck did I say about talking during my blog. Do it again, and I will cut you. But, good point. Basically it’s all I got to motivate me to update this blog regularly. If I see new people joining, people commenting, commanding me to write new blogs, I’ll think people are actually interested and want me to write a new blog. Ya dig? Also comments help to…..
Have a great holiday and happy new year! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do….
Facebook will become self aware on August 29th, 2011
The journey continues, Captain’s Log:
9683 consecutive days of being alive. Yeah, that’s right, in a row.
Not to be dramatic, but that’s getting pretty old. I can remember the days when I was just a day or two over 8000. Those were the days… I was a senior in college (year one of two), just getting exposed to the classy bar scene of Tucson (Buffet and the Nugget), living in a frat house (SICK braah), making out with B minus chicks, yep, not a worry in the whole wide world. I definitely wasn’t worried about getting married and popping out some kids. I’m still not worried. I’ve just been noticing it’s about that time.
And by it’s about that time, I mean Facebook is secretly trying to run my life.
That sneaky SOB. I was making some edits to my profile this morning, when I saw something that caught my eye and made me do a double take of screen. Usually my eyes glaze over the ad’s on the side of the right hand screen, useless garbage and nonsense. No I don’t want to fucking join Mafia Wars, no I don’t want to go to an online beauty college, blah blah blah…..but what did I see this time when I loaded my profile page you ask that caught my attention? It was the triple threat of single ads. First of all, fuck you Facebook, you don’t know anything about me. Secondly, really!? Do I need 3 ads to tell me how not to talk to girls?
Maybe I should date Christian girls, apparently they’re busty.
I’m used to one or two ads about single girls, but 3 was a bit much. I thought it was fluke, so I hit the refresh button, thought there was no way I could hit the singles ad jackpot twice in a row, but BAM, 3 more hot generic spambot ladies for me to click on. It was like gambling, what are the chances that out all the ads on all of facebook, I would get 3 “desperately single!? Click Here!!” ads.
I tried it again, and got an ad for an MBA program, this is when I and realized Facebook does targeted advertising based on who you “are”. How could I of missed it. Facebook is smart, it’s learning. You know what other computer based application was smart and learned?? That’s right. Sky Net. Fuck it’s so obvious to me know, facebook is learning, adapting, telling you who you should be, what ads to pick, then BOOM, it builds an army of evil robots to destroy to earth.
Or not, but still, who is Facebook is to tell me who I am? Who does facebook think you are?
What 3 ads show up when you go to your profile page?
Are you desperately single? Are you destine to annoy all of your friends and join Mafia Wars? Should you go back to school in Idaho? No seriously, comment on the blog and let me know who facebook thinks you should be.
So besides the ads facebook screaming at me to get a spambot girlfriend, more recently in the past year I’ve seen more and more feeds like “I’m engaged!”, “I’m pregnant again!”, “Wedding was great!”, “My baby daddy just got out of jail!”, etc. Basically I’m saying my facebook feed is much different than when I was 21. Either I need to make more 21 year old friends, or just come to terms that I’ll now get facebook feeds in regards to my friend’s children turning 15.
Speaking of 21 year olds! I’ve got a funny story. Not haha funny, but more like ouch haha funny. Or it might not be funny at all, but fuck you, you’re not paying me to write this so it’s your fault.
So anyways, a few weekends ago, my buddy from college got married in Tucson, so I made the trip down to Arizona for the wedding. I RSVP-ed a “plus one” weeks before I knew who I was taking. So of course, 3 days before the wedding I’m still dateless because I’m awesome at find dates. I had recently broken up with the girlfriend so I had no “options” of people who I would ask to make the road trip down with me to Tucson, so I did a hail mary and sent a text to a “friend” in Tucson and asked if she would like to accompany me to the wedding. She was a mutual friend of the guy getting married, and her older brother was going to the wedding so I thought it wouldn’t be completely out of the blue if she attended with me. I don’t know if you noticed I used the word “friend” in quotes a few sentences ago to describe who she is, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking. So she’s actually the little sister of a friend of mine from college, and sure I “know” her and we’re facebook friends, but prior to the wedding I had probably spoken only about 20 sentences in face to face conversation, and of those 20 sentences, 16 were probably on a professional level. So why only 4 sentences spoken to her in a social setting you ask? Well one, she’s extremely attractive, I mean really really pretty, and I’m kind of intimidated by her? Which is weird because I can confidently give a presentation in front of 100s of people, but talking to one very beautiful girl, and I can’t seem to form a coherent sentence. Two, we didn’t really have the same social circles, well we might of, but I wouldn’t know because I graduated before she started college…..oh yeah, she’s only 21.
Now I’m 26, and I don’t think that’s a huge age difference, and it’s not like I was asking her to this wedding to be romantical, which even isn’t a word, I just thought we would have a good time. Which we did. Some of my friends here in SD made a big deal out of the fact I asked someone “so much younger”. But I think my friends are idiots. There I said it.
Anyways, I guess I was curious as to her take on the situation, but I wasn’t going to ask her “So do you think I’m too old to talking you?”
The funny moment occurred when we were at the reception just talking about weddings and marriage and the whole idea of it, she started a sentence with “I know you’re like way older than me…..”, at this point I stopped her, kind of did a comical pseudo freak out, she apologized and said that’s not what she meant. I know that’s not what she meant to say, but it’s funnier to be fake outraged at her comment. Like I said there was no intention of a romantic interest with me asking her to go with me to the wedding, but at this point I think I went from date to dad in 5.4 seconds. Ftw!
I know it’s not what she meant at all, but still funny hear. I had to coerce her into finishing her sentence, because I was genuinely curious as to where she was going with that. Basically the sentence ends with “but if I turn your age and I’m not married, I’m going to end up marrying the first douche bag that comes along”. Awesome. Apparently 26 is the freak out age for girls to start marrying the first jerk that comes along. Anyone know any 26 years old females?
So basically she was telling me I have 5 years to become douche bag, so you’re saying there’s a chance! Just kidding….Wedding was actually a lot of fun, good to see old faces (26 year olds), had a great time with ms. 21.
Questions, Comments,Concerns!?
Do the 3 ad challenge, who does facebook think you are?
Invite your friends to join the facebook page!
How to get kicked out of Moondoggies
Posted by Single Steve in humor, moondoggies on March 31, 2009
On any given Thursday night there’s a 75 percent chance you will find me at Moondoggies (AKA Dude-Doggies/Line-Doggies) in PB. This jumps greatly to about 90 percent if I don’t have to work on that Friday, which happens to occur every other Friday. The following is a true story that happened a few weeks ago on such a magical Thursday night.
How to get kicked out of Moondoggies
Night’s going well. I’m feeling good about it, I don’t have to work tomorrow, I’m 5,6,7, 12 beers deep, and I’m hanging out with the greatest group of friends. Living the dream.
Anyone that knows me, knows I have the bladder of a 12 year old girl. Fact. Not a big a deal, a lot of grown men have the bladders of infants. So what. So I just got a brand new Dos Equis for the low low price of 2 American dollars, when I realize it’s been about 7 minutes since I last peed, and I should probably go again. I patiently wait in line, fumbling with my phone, thinking it’s almost time to start the drunk dials. Finally, it’ my turn to pee, I walk up to the urinal and place my beer on top of the metal piping leading to the urinal. I’ve done this a million times, a million. For the record that metal piping is a great beer holder, and I’d rather place it there than on top of the porcelain urinal. So I’m doing my thing, like it’s my job, when I see my beer start to slip off the top of my pipe holding place. This is where time slows down, matrix style, and I use my ninja like reflexes to reach up with my left hand and grab the falling beer. I think I even yelled a slow motion “noooooooooooo”. I caught it! Hurray! Saved two dollars in beer. Unfortunately since it was a brand new beer, it shook up and did that volcano thing where it shoots out like you’re celebrating winning the championship. Except I didn’t win a championship, I just caught my beer. It made a mess all over the wall, I’m going to be honest, but it was like 3 feet above the urinal so I thought it wasn’t a huge deal. I regain composure, zip up and start washing my hands…..
I’m washing my hands, when I hear “WHO THE FUCK PEED ALL OVER THE WALL!?” Me, with my back turned to the world, as I wash my hands, assume it’s some guy joking because I obviously didn’t peed on the wall 13 feet in the air. So I jokingly raised my hand, and said “yeeeeeep, I peed alllllll over the wall!” (in a sarcastic drunk voice). Just then, Muscle Mcgee secrurity guard reaches over and smashes my beer into the garbage, and informs me “It’s time to go”. At this point I STLL think he’s joking because I mean come on, does he really think I used my 46 since inch vertical and THEN peed on the wall!?
I comply because in my drunk stooper, I assume for some reason he’s going to escort me out of the bathroom and say “Just kidding! I know you didn’t pee on on the roof! Thanks for coming in, always a pleasure to see you. Have you lost weight??” Turns out he didn’t say any of that. In fact, it finally occurred to me “OH shit, he’s not joking, I’m being kicked out”. This is at the point I’m being shoved through the dance floor with flash lights being shined in my face, to help guide me out. I try to explain to him the silly mix up of how it’s not pee, it’s beer, but it’s way too loud. I get outside, see the line queued up to get in, I try and plead my case one more time. The last thing I remembered yelling at him was “BUT…but… I’m the Designated Driver, you can’t kick me out!?” He didn’t even respond. He just stared. I was obviously drunk, obviously not the DD, and obviously defeated by the super genius bouncers at the door. I walked away laughing at the ridiculousness that just occurred, walked to a friends house where I called it a night.
And that’s how you get kicked out of Moondoggies for doing nothing. Well, almost thing.
p.s.
I er um actually need a date for a wedding this Saturday (April 4th) …..if that story about being kicked out of a bar didn’t deter you, please let me know. It’s Saturday night….Steve@SingleSteve.com OR if you know my real facebook or gmail….. But seriously, I need a date and I promise you a fun time.
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How Not to Get an Online Date
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 25, 2009
Online dating shenanigans continue. I’m 2 months away from Dr. Phil confirming the fact that I am incapable of finding “someone special” in the first 6 months of my match.com experience. What a dick. At least I’ll get 6 more embarrassing months for free? Fml. Fuck my “someone special”, I would settle for just a date at this point. I haven’t even been on one date, NOT ONE, in the last 4 months of paying 24.99 per month. Really? Apparently I’m Shrek. That’s fine. I mean I don’t pretend to be Johnny Handsom-pants, in fact I know I’m not. That’s why I’ve had to developed my other “attractiveness” characteristics. Like being funny….. and a ninja. Girls still find these attractive, right?
I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free online dating website, don’t worry, I haven’t been on any dates from there either. Maybe I’m just a bad online dater? Below is a hilarious example of an actual email chain I had with a girl from okcupid.com. It’s not typical of my communications of online dating, but I’m glad I did it.
Scenario:
I do my browsing (creep sweeps) of profiles of girls that meet my “match”, I do a quick visual analysis of the profile picture and from there I make the decision of whether or not I’m going to continue and open up her profile. If you’re thinking to yourself “that’s pretty shallow Steven…”, fuck your couch. You’d be lying if you thought physical attractiveness wasn’t initially important. No one says from across the bar “Man, that guy looks funny, I’m going to go talk to him”. No one.
Anyways, I do my shallow Hal analysis and then proceed to her profile. Below is a said example, girl is super hotness in thumbnail sized pic, so I proceed to her profile.
Below is a snap shot of the first part of her profile.
I blurred some of the words to make her look more like a jerk than she actually is. It helps me build a case empathy of my feelings towards her, stay with me. My analysis of her profile is she comes off as “tool cool for school”, if people even still say that. She’s attractive and is doing online dating, so she pretty much holds all the cards, unfortunately. She can be a jerk and still get guys winking at her. She must get a million emails from tool bags, starting with the words “Hey Sexy”, so I can understand her defensiveness of online dating tools.
I’m realistic, I realize my chances are probably about a 3 percent chance she’ll respond to any email I send, so I shoot her a short, concise, non serious, half joking, not expecting a response, email.
Yep. That just happened. Ha! I’m not sure what got into me. I’m never a jerk on online dating, not even when I get the “please stop winking at me” automated emails from match.com
Maybe I was just so surprised she responded? I mean she pretty much set herself up for that old “hope you get hit by a bus” gag. Needless to say we didn’t fall in love.
That’s how not to get a date from online dating.
Also it looks like according to the little voting thing I have on the left hand side of this blog that people want me to write about Craig’s list? Is this true? I have a couple hundred “hits” a day, but only 27 votes. Let me know what you jerks want. kisses.
I’m "too awesome" to date!?
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 9, 2009
**************Old blog, back posting***********
November 25th, 2008
Have you ever been told “you’re too awesome to date”?
Well I have, and it’s “awesome!!” But that’s hook line to get you excited about the blog. I’ll talk about being “too awesome” much later.
You’ll probably want to read this blog first, so this blog makes more sense.
Updates!!! As you can imagine and I’m sure you were hoping (dicks), online dating is going AMAZING!!! Oh wait, did I say amazing, I meant please kill me it’s probably going worst than it ever was before.
Per suggestion of you wonderful people, I made an account with www.okcupid.com, it’s a pretty cool free dating website. I took some feedback of everyone and made my profile super duper awesome. Right? Maybe not.
I’ve optimistically had my profile up for about a month a half, I’ve “woo-ed” some people, which is like poking on facebook or winking on match.com. I’ve even sent out a few messages. But no dice. I think in the month and half, I’ve sent out about 40 woo-s, which a return rate of 2. BOTH of two were friends that I ran into on this website, so I don’t think they count…. And I have not once gotten an initial message from a girl, only response messages. Eh, I don’t care too much about it. THE INTERESTING part is the fake profile I made up about five days ago. Let me introduce you to San Diego Sam:
Within the FIVE F-ING DAYS of making a profile, he has gotten several emails, several woos, and several IM’s. It’s actually REAL fucking annoying when I’m editing this fake douche bags profile, I’ll get IM’s from random hood rats hollering at him. I’m not jealous, it’s actually what I kind of expected. The response is just much greater than I was expecting so soon.
So I thought I would get serious with it and move my game up to match.com. So, like a chump, I am now paying 20 some odd dollars a month to continue the embarrassing process. At first when I was doing my searches I was really selective. Only searching based on certain ages, heights, eye colors, etc. I would do my search, read all the profiles in depth, if I thought her and I were a suitable match, I would wink, maybe even send them a email. I was noticing a really low return rate of emails and winks, a rate of about zero point zero percent. No worries. No need to freak, I thought I was just being to picky, too selective. So I widen my search criteria, bigger age range, various heights, weights, eye colors, yada yada. Still not getting such a great response, until finally, as it stands now. If you live within 30 miles of San Diego and are between the ages of 18 and 30, there’s a 94 percent chance I’ve winked at you.
I now search for everyone on planet earth.
I don’t even read profiles anymore! I mean what’s the use, why would I spend 5-10 minutes reading and analyzing a persons profile, wondering how awesome we could be together, when there’s a 3 percent chance she’ll even respond back. It’s a numbers game now. I figure if I wink/message the greater San Diego, someone out there has to slip up and respond back. I’m not as negative as I seem, but I’m not optimistic about finding anyone online either. Eh. Well see….
You’re too awesome to date….
Have you ever been told this? I have. It’s not as awesome as you would think.
Back story:
Meet this person through a friend of a friends. She’s fantastic. Pretty, witty, smart, sarcastic, yada yada. We’ve hung out a few times, nothing date like, but we always have had a blast together. She’s the type of person where you don’t know if you want to kiss her or stab her, it’s great. Not that we have kissed, or gotten anywhere close, I’m just saying. That’s the kind of interaction I want with my future “mate”, where her wit, humor and sarcasm are keeping me on my feet. It’s keeps life interesting. Ya know. ANYWAYS. So at some point I proposed the question…. “so am I going down the BFF path or the someone you might potential date at some point in your life path?” Literally. Verbatim. The response was BFF path (SWING AND A MISS!!) Which I’m completely fine with and almost expected. I think her and I have a great interaction, and will be these fantastic friends.
It came up through later conversations that she thought “I was too awesome to date”. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!? WHAT does that even mean? Too awesome? Is there such a thing?
Is this more girl code for something? I’ve never heard this one before. I’ve done some decoding of girl speak before:
But never have I ever heard of someone being “too awesome”. Can someone decode this for me? What does she actually mean?
I mean sure, there’s a chance I actually am awesome. But can one be “too awesome to date”. Maybe I should tone down my awesomeness?
Next blog is going to be pure Craig’s List funny. Look for that soon.
Why don’t you jerks comment anymore?
*****
I know it sounds like I’m negative nancy pants about life, but I’m really not. Real life goes great. Work, School, Social and Community ish are all going FANTASTICALLY. Now if I could just…..
Decision 2008
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 7, 2009
**************Old blog, back posting***********
September 25th, 2008
A while ago, I asked you, the blog reader to help me make a critical decision in my life. How should I go about finding dates.
The results are in, the votes have been tallied and it’s official. You fail.You, the blog readers, are completely worthless when it comes to helping me decide critical decisions in my life. I mean you guys are great, and I appreciate you reading this blog and yada yada yada, but if you ever took a multiple choice test there a 95 percent chance you would fail. I’m just saying. Alright, fine. Thanks for voting it really means a lot to me, blah blah blah. But look esse when life gives you an A or B or C option, you can’t f-ing pick option “A, B and C” or “join the navy” or option “Singles Ad in the back of the newspaper”, to name a few of the response.
But actually though I only gave you options to pick eharmony, match or real life, I appreciate the alternative solutions. Below are the results:
As you can tell there were a slew of different options. With real life, match.com and eharmony topping the list.
*math side note – I did an ANOVA analysis on the data and since the sample size was not big enough, it can not be determined that any option is more statistically significant than the other. The F statistic was outside of the bounds of Fcritical. SO BASICALLY that means, no option can picked with over a 95 percent confidence as the most dominate answer. (If you know what this means, I’m sorry)
I’ll go through a few of the your possible options as to determine its value to my dating life.
I think I’ve already done an extensive analysis of match.com and eharmony.com. But both have proven to be worthless, but ironically expensive.
So here’s what I’m thinking, I looked at the website okcupid.com and it doesn’t seem half bad. I think this is going to be my starting point of my online embarrassing journey. This website seems to be a free version of match.com, but then that leads into the question:
Are the girls on a free dating website as good of quality of those on a paid website?
Just because girls don’t want to throw down 19.99 a month to online date, does that mean they wont be as good as the girls that don’t pay anything. Hmmmm. What are your thoughts on this? Is the 19.99 a month fee really a filter between good girls and great girls?
Well I’m going to do okcupid.com as a practice profile before I jump into the big leagues of match.com.
I’ve also decided I’m going to do a alternate profile to expose online dating for all it’s awesomeness. I’m going to make a profile of a good looking uneducated unemployed loser, and see how his profile goes vs mine. I’m SOOO excited and you should be too. Is that to cruel to girls who might actually be attempting to date this guy? I don’t think so. YES! Yeah, how creepy am I. Shut your face, you’re going to love it. This will be the ONLINE DATING CHALLNEGE! Who will get more profile views, more messages, more poon? Me or a fake profile I make up! Only time will tell. You would think I have nothing better to do with my time, but I’m actually the worlds busiest man.
You should hear me cackling like mad scientist in excitement to see how this turns out.
Leave some comments, or I’ll make the fake profile with your picture.
Also. Tell your friends (AKA attractive girls that like funny Mexicans) about this blog. It’s the least you can do. Well actually the least you can do is nothing, but don’t be a jerk. Seriously.
Are you going to be awkward?
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 3, 2009
I was in long debate as to whether or not I was going to write something about this, but decided, what the hell. Actually I jokingly said to the girl that this is kind of about that I was going to write a blog about this, and she insisted that I did. Hmmmm…. Maybe it’s one of those girl traps? Where they say “Yeah honey, I don’t care if we watch ’3 ninjas’ instead of ‘P.S. I love you’, why don’t you pick”. When they actually mean, ” If you fucking pick the movie with 3 ninja kids named Rocky, Tum Tum and Colt, I’m going to spit into your mouth tonight while you’re sleeping”.
This big debate was because I’m pretty sure in me writing this blog, is going to in turn “C” block myself. It’s not that I’m even writing anything bad or negative about this person, in fact I have nothing but great things to say. It’s just that I’m an honest person, and even more so in my blogs. So when I sit down to write I’m not really sure what’s going to come out, and I’m concerned that the stuff that might come out might set off some red flags for this person if they were to read the blog. But then again, maybe it would be good if something she read did set off a flag because that’s how it actually is, that’s the truth. You follow what I’m throwing down?
*for the purposes of this blog I’m going to be real vague so she can keep her anonymity
It’s about an “event” that happened. I say event, because I’m not sure if it was a date or just two friends hanging out. I’m not even sure if I would even know if I was on a date or not. Me, not know if it’s a date or not is completely my fault. I’m real bad at establishing myself as the “dating potential” on their radar, I am however, real good at establishing myself as the “funny non sexual non threatening” friend. It’s what I do. Ask the many girls who are my friends who are not threaten that I would attempt to “do” them. Which is fine, and actually preferred. I’m borderline gay friend for many girls. I’m just saying.
GET TO THE POINT. Fine. I will. Basically I met this girl, kind of randomly at a professional thing. Which I never do. I don’t just meet people. I have never met anyone at bar. Ever. True Story. But I digress, I met this girl, and by meet, I mean I got her first and last name, then facebook stalked her a few weeks later. Pa-tay-toe, Pa-tah-toe.
I could just tell she was a cool chick when she made some reference to “nothing gets between me and my ice cream”, that’s a girl I want to party with.
Yada yada yada, about 5 months later we now email back in forth like little school girls, and I enjoy it. You know it’s all very exciting, that whole getting to know you phase, but I feel like that phase is usually done via these things called “dates”.
This is why I was concern-icous I was rapidly slipping into the super friend zone. Which would be fine, this girl and I would be (are?) great friends. She awesome. In fact she’s so awesome I think her and I would work out dating wise. So we all have list of characteristics we would like our “ideal” person to have right, I’ve got one of those, I guess, and it’s got the generic:
-nice
-funny
-smart
-showers
-yada yada yada
But some items on my list that YOU probably don’t know are:
-never to old for mom jokes, or “that’s what she said”
-must be “busy”
*I’m really busy every day every week, and if I don’t date a girl that’s busy she’ll
just be upset I never have time for her. And usually busy is good, if she’s busy that means she’s doing something with her life.
-I want to be ZING-ed, I want to be put into my place, comically.
- I’ve historically only dated Caucasian girls, but my mom has dreams of little Mexican grand kids. So if I could date a Mexican girl that looks white I think I could combine best of both worlds?
What I’m trying to say is, I like her.
So somehow I got the “courage” to ask her out on a one on one outing. I’m not saying date because one, I did it via text message or email, and two my wording was something to the extent of “we should go exploring this weekend”. Maybe she thought it could be a date?
My intent was to see if we could make a date, but wouldn’t be against just two friends hanging out having a good time.
So picked her up, we went to a fantastic Italian place. Had a great dinner and a good bottle of wine. Conversation at dinner was good, but I felt more reserved than I usually am. A little fun fact: I love public speaking, can talk to a crowd of 100 people with no problem. BUT I have ridiculous difficulties talking to one girl one on one. I stutter, say unfunny things, and I don’t look them in the eyes. I’m intimidated for some reason. I find myself thinking what is this attractive girl doing out with me. It’s a weird self confidence issue. I’m extremely confident in my ability to one day be president of the earth, but weirdly shy about my body, looks and ability to score hot chicks. Luckily the bottle of wine was kicking in.
After dinner we took a stroll down to wine bar just down the way, had another bottle of wine or two? Yeah basically we were both a little drunky town. It was great. I fear I might have over stepped into her bubble, at the point when I started giving martial advice. Say whaaaaaa. This young lady was previous married, now divorced and back in the game. Well I don’t know if she’s back in the game or not. But at some point the conversation turned to what a wreck her marriage was, and I was chiming in giving my two cents, like I know what it’s like to be married. I feel like before this night that issue was a very taboo, don’t talk about it, off limit, personal topic. But that night I was giving her a 12 point list as to why she’s better than the guy she married, and what to do next time. Hahaha! Because I know what to do. Oh booze.
Night was going really good. Walk here to the front door……….. as were making a little kissy faces, things were going great, fantastically in fact, I was just thinking what a great kisser she was, when she pulls away, stares with a blank almost sobering stare, and quietly ask “Are you going to be awkward?”
WHAT!? So I don’t speak “girl”, and I didn’t bring my magic decoder ring with me that night, but what does that mean when that’s the thought that’s going through a girls head while your kissing her in her front door? We do work together professional on some things, so I can see her issue for concern, but it was probably the last thing I was thinking at that moment in time. So with out thinking I respond with “pshhhhh me?? Awkward? No way. Are YOU going to be awkward?” Without letting her respond I immediately started kissing her again. Night ended well. A little more drunky pants than I was expecting, but a great time none the less. Hoping to do it again?
What are your thoughts?
Maybe I over analyzed the situation, but thats fine. I’m optimistic, but I always am.
Laundry Pimp
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 2, 2009
I’m a grown up, it’s true, and part of being a grown up is doing your own laundry. I have the misfortune of not having a washer and dryer in my place, so I have to go down to the laundry mat about a block away and fight with the rest of the locals for a working washer and dryer. This place looks like it was the latest and greatest technology that washing clothes had to offer, in 1976. This place sucks. Big time. Nothing ever works, it smells like hobo urine, and there’s an 80 percent chance the flickering light in the corner will cause you to have an epileptic seizure. But, I can deal with those things. The MOST concerning thing about this laundry mat, is the Shady Mcshady-ington characters it attracts.
Maybe this is just my laundry mat fantasy, but let know if you’ve dreamt of something similar:
You take a friendly stroll down to the local laundry mat, you walk in with your bag of dirty clothes, set your clothes down and start loading clothes into your machine. In walks an attractive looking girl, she sets her bag of lingerie and underwear down at the machine across from you, your eyes meet from across the spin dry dials, you open your mouth with some clever joke about washing machines, she laughs cutely and it’s love from there.
I mean who doesn’t want to meet a pretty girl while doing laundry?
In reality, I walk into the dank Laundry mat, have to jump over the sleeping homeless man in the doorway, then continue to try every washing machine until I find one that works. I’ve only seen 45 year old plus males in there, and it never looks like they’re even doing laundry. It’s like they’re just they’re hanging out, ready to steal my clothes the moment I walk out. My routine is, come in, put my clothes in a working washing machine, walk back to my house, come back 32 minutes later to put my washed clothes in the dryers, walk back to my house, come back 36 minutes to pick up my dry clothes.
This method reduces my chances of making eye contact with the bums sleeping on the counters, though it increases my odds of my clothes being stolen by them. Catch 22, but worth it.
About two weeks ago, the strangest thing happened. Sometime between my escape of dropping off my clothes and 32 minutes later of returning to throw them into the dryer, an attractive normal looking female about my age showed up and was doing laundry. She was wearing an SDSU shirt, indicating she was either in college, or knew what college was. Either way she didn’t look homeless and didn’t look like she wanted to steal my clothes. I think she’s the one. Me, kind of shocked of the situation, did what I do best when it comes to girls: be overly awkward. Instead of making eye contact and greeting her with a smile, I stared at my knees and did that thing where you walk real stiff and quick like your power walking. Not sure why I actually go into this mode, but it’s kind of a panic mode. Like I think she’s going to be impressed with my ability stiffly smash my clothes into a dryer with my eyes locked on staring at my knees. Right? After the initial shock of a girl being in the laundry mat, I regained composure and got a hold of myself. I finished putting my clothes into the dryer and had a burst of confidence. Today is the day. Today is the day I meet a girl outside of work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends, I have the best group of friends a “grown up” could ask for, but for the most part they are all co-workers. Which is fine, but I’ve heard myths about meeting people outside your social circle of co-workers, I thought this could be one of those times.
So Instead of doing my usually dump and run, I decided to take a seat and wait out the next 36 minutes of the dry cycle to see if I could meet this girl. Not really sure what my game plan was, since it’s not really my style to just start talking to girl I don’t know, at a bar or laundry mat.
So I sat down, and started to formulate a plan. This is when I realized I had nothing to do for next 36 minutes except stare off into space. I didn’t plan on staying so I didn’t bring anything to “do”. FUCK. And it turns out attempting to just sit there and act “cool” actually makes you look like your just as creepy as the homeless guy sleeping at her feet. It’s like when you get into an elevator with people you don’t know and it’s that super awkward silence as you all stare at the numbers as the elevator, that blank stare at the numbers like you actually care what floor the elevators on. Yeah, that look. So I’m doing “that look” at this sign that says “No Refunds”, so at this point she either thinks I read at a 2nd grade level because I’ve been staring at this sign for several minutes with only two words or I can’t read at all. Either way, I’m on her radar!
As I’m staring at the “No Refunds” sign, I start going over various scenarios in my head. Scenarios of how the conversation will start, how I jump in with some witty and hilarious comment, and then how we ride off into the sunset on white stallions.
I’m a great conversationalist (I think?), love making people laugh and yada yada, but I’m TERRIBLE at the initial “Hi, my name is Steven I’m not a creep and I would like to talk to you” line.
At some point during one of my dream sequences, she looks up over her book and we make eye contact. She smiles, opens her mouth and says “Hi”.
THIS WAS IT. My IN, she wasn’t completely creeped out by inability to read laundry signs, she said hello to ME. After all the scenarios had run through my head I knew exactly what to say, this was my time to shine, be funny, witty and interested.
I took a swallow of air, took a deep breathe, opened my mouth, and out came something that sounds like a Chewbacca war cry. FUUUUUUCK. Really!? I think I tried to say hello, but then I think I also tried to say 6 words at once, it just came out as an awkward yell.
She politely and soft spokenly said “what?”, I wonder if this was a “what? What did you say? I didn’t hear you attractive sir” what or if it was a “what??? Why the fuck did you just bark at me!?” what.
I somehow managed to squeeze out a hello, after my Chewbacca cry, but it seemed like the room started to spin and heat up to at least 124 degrees. I figured that was my cue to leave and head home for the remaining 26 minutes to wait for my clothes to dry.
I returned 26 minutes later, did that whole stiff as a board staring at my knees technique to unload my clothes, did the eye brow raise to my new laundry mat friend and headed home.
Yep true story. I’m a lady killer, watch out.
Craig’s List All Stars 2.0
Posted by Single Steve in Craigslist, criags list, dating, rant on February 24, 2009
***********Old blog, back posting********
From: Friday, January 18, 2008
Since the last blog about Craig’s list postings didn’t turn out so bad, decided to milk the topic and do it again. Hopefully this one turns out to be more than garbage. Doubtful I know, but worth a try
This first one is a little bit of creeper.
It’s the oldest trick in the book. The old bait and switch. Like when your parents used to tell you that you were going to zoo to ride the hippos, but you were actually going to the dentist. It’s like that, but with this guy there’s a chance you might end up in little pieces.
This next one is “the best there is, period”. This ass clown’s ad caught my eye because it was titled “I am the best there is, period”, such a bold statement. I had to find out what made this guy the best. . . . .
“I am looking for a friends with benefits”, really!? Can guys just say this?
He might as well of said “I am looking for Chlamydia ASAP!”
He posted his myspace link, so I decided to do some hard core sleuthing into the best there is. This is where I discovered our friend was a masseuse who makes a 10.34 an hour. Bling bling! I’m not looking down on him because he makes 10 dollars an hour, it’s more the fact he wrote a blog bragging about this fact. WHAT!? Don’t do that. Don’t talk about how much money you make or don’t make. TOOL BOX. Period.
This one is the bread winner, I almost didn’t do this one because I fear my life if he were to find out I was making fun of this Craig’s list ad. But there is a chance he’s already in jail(no really, read below), and I don’t think they let people in jail read myspace blogs.
Heres the ad(no joking, no editing, no shit)
**insert slow clap here
Yeah, that just happened.
Let’s break this down piece by piece. I’ll just highlight a few key sections.
Starting with the title:
“got2go2court 2moro got a dum ass warnt so js incase wasup – 29″
Say what? I did a spell checker on “got2go2court2moro” and surprisingly it didn’t show up. I’m going to need to send an email to Microsoft, to see if they can add that to their vocabulary.
I think this fine young man is trying to say he has a court appearance tomorrow because he has a “dum ass” warrant and this post is just in case. Also he ads in “wasup” at the end. Classy. If that doesn’t capture the ladies attention, I don’t know what will.
“looking perhaps 4 a last lil hera just incase they deside not 2 let me come back home 2moro,plus iv got 2 move out shit just keeps getting wors,looking for someone to help me forget about all the bullshit iv got a pool tabel and a spot dont know 4 how long”
Better act quick! You could be this guys last “hera” as a free member of society. After that it’s only congenial visits. But apparently he has a pool table, so that’s good.
“how could a braud not b atracted to the valumpuis curves and hour glass figure that a thurolly bread lushus lishis tender morsul flaunts with such pride and confidence.”
This is where I get confused. The first time I read this I read “valumpuis” as vampires, and it really didn’t make sense. But then I went back and realized he meant voluptuous, which got me thinking….what the fuck!? Is he saying he’s voluptuous and has an hour glass figure? Seems like. Something about bread? Maybe it makes more sense if he was talking about vampires.
“ummm yyyuummm aaahhh the thaughts that come to mined,any hoot let me know if iv rased any intrest wat so ever,i promis ill bite ,ofcourse unless u dont wish me 2 ,thow i cant promis that i wont try to atleast sneak in a nibble”
At some point he begins eating something delicious and types out the sounds. Or so I gather. He then mentions biting some more, and at this point I am totally convinced he WAS talking about vampires.
“yyyaaaiii iiieeee yyyaaaiii de parte de svjohnybz followed by choptop then spot all 1 word at mail thats hot,without the sv in front in order to better get a hold of mwa i anckshesly await your responce o ya i stay with a wood roomate whos allso lonely i need to get that fool lade before he explodes,so feal free to shoot over with a freind race isnt an ishu”
You had me at “yyyaaaiii iiieeee yyyaaaiii”. . . .
If anyone can tell me what he meant by “svjohnybz”, that would be much appreciated.
This last part gets kind of crazy kind of quick. It’s actually impossible to decode. I’m pretty sure he just starts banging the keyboard with his court sepenia at this point in the ad.
Whew. Well there it is. It’s currently 2:45am on Monday morning and I have to be at work by 8:30. INSOMNIA sucks. Bad for me, good for the blogs.
Speaking of, I’ve become increasingly trying to whore out my blogs more and more.
Here’s my logic. People seem to “like” the blogs and get some chuckles from them. So why not share that joy with as many people as possible. I mean you like them, you’re friends will like them, etc etc. Basically I’m asking YOU to tell your friends to read this ridiculousness. Post a bulletin spreading the word. It’s the least you could do. Well, actually the least you could do is nothing, this would be the second most leastest(I know it’s not a word, fuck you, it’s 3am) thing you could do.
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