Posts Tagged douche bag
PB Millionaire, Part 2
Posted by Single Steve in humor on May 20, 2009
I’m back. With a fury. Sorry for the delay. That thing called real life got in the way. But you’ll be happy to know that real life goes great, not that anyone of you actually cares.
So where was I? That’s right. King of the douche bags. PB Millionaire. You might want to read this blog, as a refresher as to who this tool bag is. But in summary, basically this guy invented some crappy safety glasses, made some money, lives in a “castle” in north PB, throws parties where he pays “models” to hang out with him, is trying to start a reality show based on him and calls himself PB Millionaire.
www.pbmillionaire.com
UPDATE: He has now changed his website and branding to: www.pbreality.com A little different, but still just as terrible.
Take a second. Soak it in. I’ll give you a minute to browser around and check out all the fantasticness of his site. Let me know when your ready for my analysis of The PB Millionaire.
…..
…..
…..
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And go.
I forgot how angry this guy makes me. So I don’t know about you, but initially when I tried to load the page, it came back with some type of error because it’s trying to play music in some wacky format my browser didn’t understand. Awesome? I consider myself a pretty savvy interweb user, so I was initially confused when I couldn’t load this guy’s sweet default music on his main page. Maybe he is so advanced, he is coding his webpage in the future? I tried in Mozilla, nope. Safari, nope. Only when I loaded his page up in Internet Explorer 6.0 did I get to experience his awesomely annoying default music. I should have just loaded up netscape 2.0 to see if this page would load more effectively in that browser.
PB Millionaire
P.S. doesn’t he know how fucking annoying it is to go to a website and have music automatically start playing!? If I went to google.com and music started to play every single time, I would punt my computer into the face of the guy that’s responsible for that code. I’m just saying, it would be pretty fucking annoying. And I’m pretty sure HE DOES NOT own rights to that song to have it playing his website.
Also,I have a correction, I thought PB millionaire stood for Pacific Beach Millionaire, it turns out it actually stands for Philanthropist Bachelor Millionaire. I don’t know what philanthropy he actually does, but well get into that later.
So he’s 43, and lives in a castle? I haven’t wanted to live in a castle since I was 7. Were they out of all the grown up houses? But I digress. Focus.
We’re going to make this an interactive blog. I’m going to walk you through his webpage, breaking it down, page by page, picture by picture, inch by inch, analyzing and sharing my thoughts on the PB Millionaire.
Please navigate to the first section “PB Millionaire”
This is the “In His Own Words….” section….
Please navigate to the “Angels” Section……
I don’t even know where to begin with the “Photo Gallery” section. There is just so much, maybe I’ll make it a separate blog. But in summary, there is something SUPER creepy about the photos. It’s him and 15 girls. It’s fun once. Gets to be weird the next 3 times. Sure it’s every guys fantasy to go out with 15 girls, I guess? Normal people have both, guy and girl friends. I guess guy hookers are harder to find? I joke….
Onto the videos. I hate him. So much.
Just watching his videos makes me want to punch babies. This first video:
Set’s the tone, he does an introduction, talks about how it’s gotten to that point that he can’t do anything without a secretary….he has 4 secretary’s!? I don’t even think the governor has 4 secretaries.
One of my favorite parts of the video occurs 1:14 into it.
“I solve my problems with money. Here. Now go away.”
Cool!!
1:48 – Why is he asking her “What is the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?” WHAT!? I thought he was a philanthropist? Ohhh it’s for his sleezy millionaire girls calendar. Okay. That makes it okay to ask a girl half his age about the time she had sex on the hood of a car. Classy. Lucky for her, only 13 people have watched that video.
2:27 – “Who’s here to be in our calendar?” – PB Millionaire.
One girl, out of 10 raises her hand. Nice.
Video two:
[dailymotion id]
http://pbmillionaire.com/new_site/video_gallery.php?video_data=3&youtube=true
0:24 – “When you, ahhh, experience this, aaaah, technique I do, it pretty much makes your desires come true.” – PB Millionaire
I just vomited in my mouth. What the hell is he talking about!? What technique!?
I also found his secret youtube site!
Please enjoy these ridiculous awkward videos.
PB CASTLE- St. Patty Interview
0:04 – He is SOOOO awkward. Not even 4 seconds into the video and he has already made me feel uncomfortable. She asked you “Are you having fun yet!?” to which he responded with “Whaaaaat, what?”.
0:20 – Interupts himself off after he starts talking about how he “just works here”, with “soo how you doing?” She seems confused by his answers, and awkward questions.
0:55 – He turns into a jerk. And forgets how to interact with humans.
1:13 – “Wasn’t that a great interview” – PB Millionaire
PB CASTLE- St. Patty Interview 2
0:06 – At least you made it 6 seconds this time before you became completely weird. What the hell are you doing!? You’re throwing the host off. Please pay attention.
0:12 - “I just work here” – PB Millionaire
Oh my god. Please stop saying that. It’s not funny anymore.
0:22 – When smoker red head is asked about the party, her response is “we just got here”. What an interesting interview. This house is just filled with interesting people.
0:56 – After threatening how lucky the interviewer is to be there, he proclaims again “I just work here….”.I blame the interviewer for laughing the first time, letting him think it was okay to use that “joke” over and over an over.
Mostly the youtube videos are from the Super Bowl party. The interviews are done by a loud burnette named Parker, who seems to lack the ability to ask questions people understand. Here’s my favorite interview of the night:
Super Bowl Party Interview Luke
Acid is a hell of drug.
Finishing up strong on his website, on his charities page. It just seems like he typed in the word “Charity” into google and these were the top 4 that popped up. I mean these are great charities, but they just seem so generic to be his “passion” for giving back. For the record. It’s great that he gives money, and yada yada, but unless he is actually donating his time and doing something, I wouldn’t consider him a philanthropist. I do ten times more outreach/philanthropy than this guy. I’m not bragging, it’s just a fact. Nor am I trying to sell myself as this single philanthropist. Though I could….
Maybe I should buy www.PBAlmostMillionaire.com.
I leave you with this. An actually picture from our friend, the PB Millionaire.
PB Millionaire if you’re r reading this….let’s be friends?
PB Millionaire: Part 1
Posted by Single Steve in humor on April 8, 2009
Let me start off by saying I am ridiculously excited about this series of blogs that is about to occur. I am literally, literally hyper ventilating about the cynical thoughts that about to come out my brain, down my fingers and into your computer screen.
Jim Lawlor
Why am I so excited you ask? Well, let me introduce you to Jim Lawlor.
Seems like a normal enough guy right? Okay okay. NOW please direct your browsers to www.PBMillionaire.com.
UPDATE: He has now changed his website and branding to: www.pbreality.com A little different, but still just as terrible.
Take a second. Soak it in. I’ll give you a minute to browser around and check out all the fantasticness of his site. Let me know when your ready for my analysis of The PB Millionaire.
<waiting>
<waiting>
<waiting>
Yep. That just happened. NO I didn’t make up this website, post ridiculous fake pictures, make up a ridiculous back story about a fake millionaire douche bag, who lives in a castle in PB for the purposes of this blog. Though it might appear that way, I promise you this guy is 100 percent real. Well, real in the sense, that he’s a real douche.
There’s just so much to talk to, where to start. I think I’m going to have to do this in a 2 parts. This first blog is going to be just about the PB Millionaire himself, his glorious invention, his 11 friends on myspace, and other stalkerish things I can find out about him.
Part two will be about the website it self, taking a deep dive into the videos and photos on the webpage.
So I guess I do a summary of this guy to get us all on the same page.
Summary:
Apparently this guy invented something, became a millionaire. Bought a castle in PB. And now he spends his time throwing lavish parties and outings with hookers, I mean models.. He also had a “website designed with the intention of improving my social life, overcoming my shyness, and possibly creating a buzz for a prospective reality show.” Wow…..
Before I even began my analysis of his website, I did my homework. Hardcore. I researched, like a creep, anything and everything there was to know about the PB millionaire, so I could come in and make a fair analysis of his situation. I just didn’t want to base my opinion on his one shitty website. Maybe he just had a bad web master, who portrayed him to be a douche bag. It turns out quite the opposite. Who ever does his web design, videographer and photography are fucking miracle workers. Believe it or not, this guy is WORST than what he appears to be on this finely polished website.
My thoughts of PB Millionaire:
First of all, oh my fucking god, are you serious. Secondly, no seriously, are you fucking serious? For those of you that don’t know Jim Lawlor as intimately as I do, let me fill you on some history. At some point Jim invented something and became a “Millionaire”, it’s unclear if he’s always been a douche, or became one after he became “rich”. You’re probably wondering, what fantastic invention did he invent!? Was it something to better mankind, peace on earth, maybe a cure for cancer? Maybe it was something complicated, involving cold fusion or sharks with lasers?
Nope. He “invented” spray goggles. Yep. Spray goggles that have a film over the lenses. So when you vision gets blocked by paint on your goggles, you turn a crank and pull over a new clean film over your lenses. See http://www.safetyamerica.com/
I mean sure it’s a good idea, and probably got some practical use, but someone can actually become a “millionaire” from something as terrible as this? Whatever. Fine, so he sells these things on his 1996 looking website, and has enough to buy a castle in PB. How he sells anything on that website is baffling.
After my stalker research I found out his address and it turns out he doesn’t even live in PB. I’m not going to give his actual address because that might be a bit much.
That’s not PB. Don’t kid yourself. According to google you live in a place called Jolla Mesa. And google is never wrong. Never.
Continuing my stalking I found his facebook fan page, with a grand total of 3 fans and his myspace with a whooping 11 friends. I may or may not have over 350 fans of my blog on facebook and 677 friends on myspace. I’m just saying. That doesn’t make me better than him, but it does. And let’s be honest. People have friends for a reason. When someone doesn’t have any friends on a social network it’s probably because no one likes them enough to be friends, even in cyberspace. Which is rough, because the interweb lets all kinds of people that wouldn’t be friends be friends.
According to his myspace he’s 43. Dude, you’re too old for PB. Was RanchoBernardoMillionaire.com already taken? I think its at 32 years old, when PB bars actually stop letting you in. It’s not okay for you to be in PB anymore. Stop. You’re the creepy old guy. I’m 25 and I’m almost too old for PB.
Speaking of myspace. Click on this link if you dare:
An actual photo from his myspace pics
I just threw up in my mouth. Just a little.
This was just part one, a pretense to the actual blog. Part two is coming soon, fully exploring his website, and some gems of youtube videos I found on him. Get excited.
Here it is…..
PB Millionaire, Part 2
How to get kicked out of Moondoggies
Posted by Single Steve in humor, moondoggies on March 31, 2009
On any given Thursday night there’s a 75 percent chance you will find me at Moondoggies (AKA Dude-Doggies/Line-Doggies) in PB. This jumps greatly to about 90 percent if I don’t have to work on that Friday, which happens to occur every other Friday. The following is a true story that happened a few weeks ago on such a magical Thursday night.
How to get kicked out of Moondoggies
Night’s going well. I’m feeling good about it, I don’t have to work tomorrow, I’m 5,6,7, 12 beers deep, and I’m hanging out with the greatest group of friends. Living the dream.
Anyone that knows me, knows I have the bladder of a 12 year old girl. Fact. Not a big a deal, a lot of grown men have the bladders of infants. So what. So I just got a brand new Dos Equis for the low low price of 2 American dollars, when I realize it’s been about 7 minutes since I last peed, and I should probably go again. I patiently wait in line, fumbling with my phone, thinking it’s almost time to start the drunk dials. Finally, it’ my turn to pee, I walk up to the urinal and place my beer on top of the metal piping leading to the urinal. I’ve done this a million times, a million. For the record that metal piping is a great beer holder, and I’d rather place it there than on top of the porcelain urinal. So I’m doing my thing, like it’s my job, when I see my beer start to slip off the top of my pipe holding place. This is where time slows down, matrix style, and I use my ninja like reflexes to reach up with my left hand and grab the falling beer. I think I even yelled a slow motion “noooooooooooo”. I caught it! Hurray! Saved two dollars in beer. Unfortunately since it was a brand new beer, it shook up and did that volcano thing where it shoots out like you’re celebrating winning the championship. Except I didn’t win a championship, I just caught my beer. It made a mess all over the wall, I’m going to be honest, but it was like 3 feet above the urinal so I thought it wasn’t a huge deal. I regain composure, zip up and start washing my hands…..
I’m washing my hands, when I hear “WHO THE FUCK PEED ALL OVER THE WALL!?” Me, with my back turned to the world, as I wash my hands, assume it’s some guy joking because I obviously didn’t peed on the wall 13 feet in the air. So I jokingly raised my hand, and said “yeeeeeep, I peed alllllll over the wall!” (in a sarcastic drunk voice). Just then, Muscle Mcgee secrurity guard reaches over and smashes my beer into the garbage, and informs me “It’s time to go”. At this point I STLL think he’s joking because I mean come on, does he really think I used my 46 since inch vertical and THEN peed on the wall!?
I comply because in my drunk stooper, I assume for some reason he’s going to escort me out of the bathroom and say “Just kidding! I know you didn’t pee on on the roof! Thanks for coming in, always a pleasure to see you. Have you lost weight??” Turns out he didn’t say any of that. In fact, it finally occurred to me “OH shit, he’s not joking, I’m being kicked out”. This is at the point I’m being shoved through the dance floor with flash lights being shined in my face, to help guide me out. I try to explain to him the silly mix up of how it’s not pee, it’s beer, but it’s way too loud. I get outside, see the line queued up to get in, I try and plead my case one more time. The last thing I remembered yelling at him was “BUT…but… I’m the Designated Driver, you can’t kick me out!?” He didn’t even respond. He just stared. I was obviously drunk, obviously not the DD, and obviously defeated by the super genius bouncers at the door. I walked away laughing at the ridiculousness that just occurred, walked to a friends house where I called it a night.
And that’s how you get kicked out of Moondoggies for doing nothing. Well, almost thing.
p.s.
I er um actually need a date for a wedding this Saturday (April 4th) …..if that story about being kicked out of a bar didn’t deter you, please let me know. It’s Saturday night….Steve@SingleSteve.com OR if you know my real facebook or gmail….. But seriously, I need a date and I promise you a fun time.
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Decision 2008
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 7, 2009
**************Old blog, back posting***********
September 25th, 2008
A while ago, I asked you, the blog reader to help me make a critical decision in my life. How should I go about finding dates.
The results are in, the votes have been tallied and it’s official. You fail.You, the blog readers, are completely worthless when it comes to helping me decide critical decisions in my life. I mean you guys are great, and I appreciate you reading this blog and yada yada yada, but if you ever took a multiple choice test there a 95 percent chance you would fail. I’m just saying. Alright, fine. Thanks for voting it really means a lot to me, blah blah blah. But look esse when life gives you an A or B or C option, you can’t f-ing pick option “A, B and C” or “join the navy” or option “Singles Ad in the back of the newspaper”, to name a few of the response.
But actually though I only gave you options to pick eharmony, match or real life, I appreciate the alternative solutions. Below are the results:
As you can tell there were a slew of different options. With real life, match.com and eharmony topping the list.
*math side note – I did an ANOVA analysis on the data and since the sample size was not big enough, it can not be determined that any option is more statistically significant than the other. The F statistic was outside of the bounds of Fcritical. SO BASICALLY that means, no option can picked with over a 95 percent confidence as the most dominate answer. (If you know what this means, I’m sorry)
I’ll go through a few of the your possible options as to determine its value to my dating life.
I think I’ve already done an extensive analysis of match.com and eharmony.com. But both have proven to be worthless, but ironically expensive.
So here’s what I’m thinking, I looked at the website okcupid.com and it doesn’t seem half bad. I think this is going to be my starting point of my online embarrassing journey. This website seems to be a free version of match.com, but then that leads into the question:
Are the girls on a free dating website as good of quality of those on a paid website?
Just because girls don’t want to throw down 19.99 a month to online date, does that mean they wont be as good as the girls that don’t pay anything. Hmmmm. What are your thoughts on this? Is the 19.99 a month fee really a filter between good girls and great girls?
Well I’m going to do okcupid.com as a practice profile before I jump into the big leagues of match.com.
I’ve also decided I’m going to do a alternate profile to expose online dating for all it’s awesomeness. I’m going to make a profile of a good looking uneducated unemployed loser, and see how his profile goes vs mine. I’m SOOO excited and you should be too. Is that to cruel to girls who might actually be attempting to date this guy? I don’t think so. YES! Yeah, how creepy am I. Shut your face, you’re going to love it. This will be the ONLINE DATING CHALLNEGE! Who will get more profile views, more messages, more poon? Me or a fake profile I make up! Only time will tell. You would think I have nothing better to do with my time, but I’m actually the worlds busiest man.
You should hear me cackling like mad scientist in excitement to see how this turns out.
Leave some comments, or I’ll make the fake profile with your picture.
Also. Tell your friends (AKA attractive girls that like funny Mexicans) about this blog. It’s the least you can do. Well actually the least you can do is nothing, but don’t be a jerk. Seriously.
Zarapes and Black hats. How I hate you.
Posted by Single Steve in humor on February 28, 2009
So last week, while wandering around Coronado Island, I was walking by a store and I saw this:
Really. Like really.
You took traditionally garments from my Mexican people, and whored them up 128 percent. WHAT. First of all, shut up. Secondly, what ridiculous person would even wear sure a terrible looking thing. I mean Mexicans wear these traditional garments because they’re practical. Or something.
I mean the red, blue, and green strips are designed to dissipate heat in the summer days. It’s Mexican Science that proves these colors are anti-heat insulated. And they are made of old news papers because every Mexican knows that old news papers are considered to be a sign of wealth. And then comes a long little Mrs. Polly, with her pink furred boots and her whore Mexican shirt, totally disgracing my people. My people have suffered many moons, and I will not stand for this Whore-zilla taking anything away from my heritage. In fact I’m going to call all my cousins, and go down there, well, and get all loco on that store fool. Orale well. Leave embarrassing Mexicans to embarrassing Mexicans like me. I don’t need your help, well.
Another thing.
Dear Douche Bags who wear black hats at Moondoggies on Thursday night,
I hate you. Why don’t you and your clone army all go back to bald white guy on riods island. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Look people, I’m an engineer which makes me a numbers person. I am going off hard empirical proven statistics. Don’t just think this is just Ol’ Steven going off on a rant for no reason. It’s all in the numbers. Please see graphs and percentages above for details.
Okay, Okay, extremely harsh I know. And slightly unfair towards ALL guys that wear a black hat. I exaggerate to make a point and I feel like being a jerk tonight.
So you’re asking where does this deep routed dislike for black hatted jerks stem from.
Bouncers. The bouncers at Moondoggies. And planet earth for that matter.
By day, they wake up at noon, head the gym, maybe the beach, take some shirtless photos of themselves to post on myspace, then take an afternoon nap. Maybe even a few of them have day jobs, maybe their lawyers and doctors and engineers, or maybe and more likely their busing tables or doing construction or a janitor. I’m not looking down on these types of jobs, not all. I respect these jobs, I used to have these jobs. I understand these jobs.
What I don’t understand is why when they start their job as a black hatted wearing bouncers at Moondoggies they become all powerful super jerks.
And they know they do. And they can be. They are the keepers of the line. They and they alone have the power to decide who gets in and waits in line for an hour while the place is half way filled up. I don’t understand. I mean I can see tons of space inside, but yet the line is at a stand still. This is the mystery of the line. This is why he gets paid the big bucks. And when you finally make your way to the front, it’s like being hand pick by Jesus himself. It’s your turn. You’re soo close, but yet still at the mercy of the gate keeper. You’re trying to be cool, like you been in a thousand times and it’s no big deal that your about to go in. But in reality the little voice in your head is screaming for joy, like you just won the super bowl, waiting for the moment the bouncer lets you in so you can walk in and pass a smug smile to the rest of the chumps in line. Because you know for that moment in time, you are better in every way possible than every person still in line. Every way.
What other occupation do you have people begging you for services, girls flashing you for what you have and people bribing you like you had something to do with owning the bar? When else can someone with a myspace headline of “Sup ladies, baller in da house ” decide whether to let in the Nobel Peace Prize Winner or the hot blonde. Actually, I’m just jealous. Extremely jealous. Because as I patiently wait in line with all the “normies”, and at any given time a horde of attractive girls can swoop in and get in an hour ahead of me. And I’m not going to lie, I’ve bribed my way into “Linedoggies” once or twice before. Actually my buddy Dan is the king of bribing the bouncers at Moondoggies. He sometimes bribes them to get in, even though there’s no line. But I side track. I hate bribing the bouncer, I mean it’s MOONDOGGIES. In PB. It’s not like I was at some super hot club in Vegas, or a Cher concert.
I know they have a job to do, and I know they do it. But I’m just bitter is all and all I have is writing in my online diary making fun of them in secret. P.S. I would be banned from Moondogs for life if one of the bouncers read this. Good thing for me, they don’t know how to read. ZING. Just kidding. I don’t actually mean to offend them, and if by chance one of them actually is “reading” this blog, they do great work. Please continue to form unnecessary lines, inside and outside the bar, please continue to let in whore-zillas hours before me, and please please continue to let me bribe you into your wonderful establishment.
With that said, if anyone would like to meet up next Thursday I can be found waiting in line for Moondoggies.
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