Posts Tagged match.com
I'm Back!?
Posted by Single Steve in humor on October 9, 2009
I know I know. It’s been too long. Way too long (That’s what she said), but I’m back, and back with a fury.
Where did I go you ask? I was in a little place called Relation City, USA. Yep, it’s true, Single Steve actually had a girl friend. Shocked are you? Fuck your couch, its possible. It was a great relationship, absolutely nothing with her, she was actually quite awesome. Some people think I’m an idiot/jerk to break up with her when the relationship was going great. Maybe. Probably. I have no ill feelings and wish her the best of luck to her.
Blah blah blah, you jerks don’t care, be honest. You’re probably just thinking “Make me bicycle clown!” get back to be single, funny and ridiculous. Okay, okay, stop yelling. I’m right here. I’m back on schedule.
Step one is get back on online dating. Check. I logged onto my match.com account and was surprised to see I still had until November to embarrass myself. I forgot I “didn’t find love” in my first 6 months of my subscription, so Dr. Phil gave me another 6 free months of embarrassment. Hurray! I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free, but don’t worry that’s going pretty terrible too.
I actually was pretty excited I got an email saying I got a message on okcupid.com from a GIRL! I know right. A girl. So anyways, I could tell from my email that I had a message, but I couldn’t see what the message was or who the girl was.
So the whole day I was giddy like a little school girl with excitement. I almost never get messaged, so this was a pretty big deal. AND her name “LawLady85”, sounds kind of sexy right? Sounds like she’s about 24 years old and lawyer, awesome. Usually I get emails from names like “MomOfFive”, “MustLoveMy12Cats”, “ItsOkayIhaveAgreatPersonality”.
So I couldn’t check it because I was at work, so the whole day I was giddy with excitement thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead. I break into door, open up okcupid.com, furiously smash in my password and navigate to my messages. And there it was, there it was. A message, as promised, from LawLady85, who turns out to be a friend from college, fml. But Steven she could still want on right? Negative. Her message was basically, “write me a blog clown”. Nice. Thanks LawLady85……
But if any one is looking to date an attractive lawyer please see:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lawlady85
Tell her you saw her post on Craig’s List.
Match.com isn’t going much better. Below is an actual email I got a few days ago…
I leave you with some Craig List Losers:
Craigs List Shorty
I’m switching over to a facebook fan page. Join and Ill write more blogs. Promise.
Join here
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Single-Steve/147717841098?ref=ts
Leave comments, they make me feel justified in writing blogs
The Most Important Single Steve blog You Will EVER Read. EVER.
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 19, 2009
There it is. I’ve officially back posted all of my old blogs from myspace to this blog. You know what that means!? That means new blogs, from me, to you. You might be wondering “Steven, why did you start a new blog anyways?” or “Why is your face covered up in pictures of you on this blog?” or maybe even “Why SingleSteve.com? Don’t you think it’s a little much?”
First of all, stop asking so many questions. It’s really fucking annoying. Secondly, I appreciate your inquisitive nature, it’s actually the reason I’ve brought you here. To The Most important Single Steve Blog You will EVER Read.
So here’s the thing, I like writing these blogs of ridiculousness as much as you enjoy reading them. I do. But the thing is, I need to separate Single Steve from Real Life Steve, if that make sense. Stay with me on this: Single Steve and Real Life Steve are the same person, but Real Life Steve can no longer be associated with Single Steve. It’s like that time you were hooking up with that fat chick, you would pretend not to know her in public in front of all your friends, but as soon as you got drunk and no one was around, you couldn’t wait to make love to one of her folds. It’s like that.
I mean, it’s not that I’m embarrassed of anything Single Steve does, or Single Steve does anything illegal, it’s just that, well let’s be honest, sometimes Single Steve can be kind of a jerk. Sometimes Single Steve likes to go out and drink until he wakes up with carne asada in his pockets, sometimes he likes to not hook up with girls from online dating, and sometimes to make himself feel better, he makes fun of losers on Craig’s List. Sometimes.
And then there’s this Real Life Steve, who has a great engineering job, is in school for his MBA, coaches a Special Olympics basketball team, is a big brother for big brother big sisters, is president of a 30k a year non profit organization here in San Diego, and a bunch of other yada yada’s. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but this Real Life Steve sounds like he’s got some good ish going.
So my goal is to disassociate this jackass Single Steve with Real Life Steve. When you do a google search on Real Life Steve, I want it to return responsible adult stuff, not about the time I punted my camera into the ocean in drunken excitement. And likewise when you google search for “online dating sucks single humor big wang” I want it to return everything ever written by Single Steve.
I’ve been having more and more of these occurrences where I realize there is a need for a separation of these two. An example:
I was in the work cafeteria checking out what they had going on for food that day, I saw they had corned beef. I saw a co-worker in line, actually I guess I don’t need to mention that she was a co-worker since we were at the work cafeteria, but I digress, I did my analysis of the corned beef situation and thought it was a little too Irish (yeah I’m a racist) for me. So I casually mention to my friend who’s in line to get some of this delicious Irish treat, “umm Looks a little sketchy, I think I’m going to pass.” Her response? “What!? You woke up with carne asada in your pockets, and you won’t even try corned beef!?” . Really!? At this point I’m trying play it off, be Mr. Cool Pants, like I have no idea what she’s talking about in such a LOUD tone at the WORK cafeteria, in case one of the bobs from management might of heard her comments. “psssh, who me? Carne asada in or around my pockets? That’s ridiculous”. Really Shannon Connell (yeah I’m calling her out)!? You’re going to hold the fact that I may or may not have woken up with chunks of meat in my pocket over my head because I don’t want to eat corned beef!? I mean, granted, Shannon and I are both peons at this company and it doesn’t really matter if she knows that Single Steve is actually Real Life Steve. But I would hate to be in a meeting with “The Bobs” from upper management and I just suggested this awesome engineering idea to them, but then they come back with “aren’t you that guy that got kicked out of Moondoggies for pee-ing dos equis 12 feet into the air, onto the bathroom wall? (that blogs to come, get excited)”. So yeah, I need to separate Real Life Steve from Single Steve.
This is actually a great thing for you, the readers. Since Single Steve is not associated with Real Life Steve, I won’t be as timid or hold back some of my funny jerkness. Subjects won’t be as taboo, I can write unrestricted not having to worry about whether or not Real Life Steve is losing street cred.
But you’re thinking, “I already know Real Life Steven, how can I not associated him with Single Steve?”. You’re an idiot. There I said it. I mean, good question. For a selected few, you will get the benefit of knowing both Steve’s. Just try not to F him over by announcing to everyone in the work cafeteria that he may or may not have tried to hook up with a run away homeless girl. Let’s just keep that between you and me.
I’m going to stop posting links (I think?) on my facebook for new blogs, so it’s now up to you jerks to check back frequently. You can do what other cyber nerds do and subscribe to the RSS feed, or this email thing.
ALSO, let’s be honest. I’m not doing this blog for any type of monetary gain. I’m doing this blog because I like writing funny ish and I like knowing that someone somewhere is laughing at something I’ve written. So tell your friends about this funny thing you read once on this guys website, and point them in this direction. I’ve seen facebook statuses, re-post on other people’s blog sites, yell it in a crowded room, I don’t care what it is, just tell your friends. I’m going to make a new page for the “My people” basically my way of high lighting readers who promote the blog. It’s your chance to get photoshopped with me on the moon, or might just make fun of you. Either way your face is going to be on a website, which is check by over 4 people a day, so it’s kind of a big deal.
Also if you have any friends with low self esteem who like hilarious Mexican engineers, send them my way. I’m just kidding. But seriously, if you know any girls like that, please let me know. Steve@singlesteve.com
I have a few blogs, I’m going to be posting soon. Just wanted to get the dust settled after I posted all of the old blogs. Thanks for reading!
Decision 2008
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 7, 2009
**************Old blog, back posting***********
September 25th, 2008
A while ago, I asked you, the blog reader to help me make a critical decision in my life. How should I go about finding dates.
The results are in, the votes have been tallied and it’s official. You fail.You, the blog readers, are completely worthless when it comes to helping me decide critical decisions in my life. I mean you guys are great, and I appreciate you reading this blog and yada yada yada, but if you ever took a multiple choice test there a 95 percent chance you would fail. I’m just saying. Alright, fine. Thanks for voting it really means a lot to me, blah blah blah. But look esse when life gives you an A or B or C option, you can’t f-ing pick option “A, B and C” or “join the navy” or option “Singles Ad in the back of the newspaper”, to name a few of the response.
But actually though I only gave you options to pick eharmony, match or real life, I appreciate the alternative solutions. Below are the results:
As you can tell there were a slew of different options. With real life, match.com and eharmony topping the list.
*math side note – I did an ANOVA analysis on the data and since the sample size was not big enough, it can not be determined that any option is more statistically significant than the other. The F statistic was outside of the bounds of Fcritical. SO BASICALLY that means, no option can picked with over a 95 percent confidence as the most dominate answer. (If you know what this means, I’m sorry)
I’ll go through a few of the your possible options as to determine its value to my dating life.
I think I’ve already done an extensive analysis of match.com and eharmony.com. But both have proven to be worthless, but ironically expensive.
So here’s what I’m thinking, I looked at the website okcupid.com and it doesn’t seem half bad. I think this is going to be my starting point of my online embarrassing journey. This website seems to be a free version of match.com, but then that leads into the question:
Are the girls on a free dating website as good of quality of those on a paid website?
Just because girls don’t want to throw down 19.99 a month to online date, does that mean they wont be as good as the girls that don’t pay anything. Hmmmm. What are your thoughts on this? Is the 19.99 a month fee really a filter between good girls and great girls?
Well I’m going to do okcupid.com as a practice profile before I jump into the big leagues of match.com.
I’ve also decided I’m going to do a alternate profile to expose online dating for all it’s awesomeness. I’m going to make a profile of a good looking uneducated unemployed loser, and see how his profile goes vs mine. I’m SOOO excited and you should be too. Is that to cruel to girls who might actually be attempting to date this guy? I don’t think so. YES! Yeah, how creepy am I. Shut your face, you’re going to love it. This will be the ONLINE DATING CHALLNEGE! Who will get more profile views, more messages, more poon? Me or a fake profile I make up! Only time will tell. You would think I have nothing better to do with my time, but I’m actually the worlds busiest man.
You should hear me cackling like mad scientist in excitement to see how this turns out.
Leave some comments, or I’ll make the fake profile with your picture.
Also. Tell your friends (AKA attractive girls that like funny Mexicans) about this blog. It’s the least you can do. Well actually the least you can do is nothing, but don’t be a jerk. Seriously.
Match.com mix up
Posted by Single Steve in dating, funny, girls, humor, nerd, online dating, rant on February 21, 2009
********Old Blog, Back Posting**********
Before the show, I’ve got some pre-blog thoughts:
OLE! As some of you may know, it turns out I’m actually Mexican. It’s true. It’s also true that I am the token Mexican of my group. You know that guy that’s responsible for saying “Ole”, jokes about yard work and stealing. It’s hilarious, and a good comedy angle for me to use. So I figured ,it was my duty as the token Mexican of the group, to show up for cinco de mayo celebrations in the most obnoxious sombero I could possibly find. Sounds easy enough, right? Well apparently it is IMPOSSIBLE to find a sombero any where in San Diego. It’s not that they were all sold of somberos, they actually just don’t sell them. I spent two hours driving and searching on a epic quest to find a sombrero. I went down to the “Mexican” part of San Diego. I went into, literally, 1 walgreens, 1 CVS, 3 dollar stores, 2 Carnicerias(Mexican meat markets), 1 thrift store and one place I thought was a store but it turned out to the year 1988. This place was selling cassettes and fanny packs, so I assumed it was the 1988 Store. The places I went into and asked them if they carried sombreros, they looked at me like I was speaking Spanish. Well, that’s probably a bad simile, but you get the point.
I guess it makes sense. I’ve never actually seen a “real” Mexican wearing a sombrero, besides cartoons. The only time I’ve seen a sombrero, is on some jackass white guy, who is pretending to be Mexican while he screams things like “burrito!” and “chalupa!”.
I was looking in the wrong part of town! Mexicans don’t wear sombreros! So instead I had to borrow a gardeners’ hat and put Mexican themed labels on it. See below.
It worked out for the best. I think? Details of that night are hazy. All I know is I woke up on a friends couch, tasting of tequila with my shoes on. That’s right, I’m a grown up!
BLOG part:
Times like these I wish I was a better writer because the following tale deserves to be told in all it’s glory.
The follow is a TRUE story. I couldn’t make this stuff up, we all know I’m smart enough. The follow images are un-manipulated, other than texting on top.
So as you know, I am giving up online dating. But since I have 5 more months paid I might as well turn it over to friends to see what they can do with it. Right? Right.
Last week I logged into my account just to get one last mental snap shot of what failure of online dating looks like, when the greatest thing that has happened to me in a long time, happened to me.
At first I wasn’t actually sure what happened. And once I realized what had happened, I almost refused to believe it. I still don’t believe it.
I logged into match.com as normal, but when the welcome page loaded. Something, something was different. Usually my eyes glaze over in preparation for disappointment, so I thought initially that my eyes were playing me for a fool. But after doing that thing where you rub your eyes with both hands in disbelief, this is what I saw:
Those of you playing at home. This is exactly what it looks like. I, some how, through the magic of cyber space logged into someone else account. NO didn’t hack my way, YES I was giggling with excitement that this happened. At first I thought it was Ted or Jackie, who I gave my account info to, and they had changed my profile pic to this guy. I called Ted laughing, I thought it was funny, because I thought Ted was just completely changing the profile to this fake person. Ted had no idea what I was talking about, and told me he hadn’t even logged in once yet. . . . .My laughing turned to excitement. Excitement that this might actually be someone else’s online dating profile. I quickly started taking as many screen shots as I could of this guys profile, all the mean while I was doing that mad scientist cackle. It was great.
I don’t even know how this is possible, but it’s like God himself(or maybe Dr. Phil) came down to me and appeared in a tortilla. But instead of a tortilla, he logged me into someone else’s account. THE BEST PART of this mix up is that this guy is EVERYTHING I’m not as far as online dating goes.
Let’s do a comparison of the initial login screens:
I can’t believe how night and day my profile is, compared to his. The only cynical joy I can get out of this, is hoping that maybe we criss crossed. I logged into his, and he into mine. When he logged in, it must have been a sad day for him to see he only had 27 views and his last wink in 30 days was from a himself. What joy I would have gotten to hear or see his expression as he logged in and saw a 24 year old Mexicans failed online profile.
So of course I had to figure out what this guy was doing right. Right? Wouldn’t you? Now I realize he’s a real person, who exist in real life and by this time you probably think I’m worst than Hitler for not immediately logging off from the profile after the little mix up, and what’s even worst is I’m going to go through his messages!? Well it’s true. I figure, I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s Match.com’s fault. Or maybe, just maybe one of the techno nerds at match.com did this on purpose, so I could see what a good profile looks like.
Initial Messages:
This is where I fail. I’m not good at the initial message. What do you say? How do you show interest but not sound like an over aggressive creeper. Also what do you say, so you don’t get lost in the mass emails I’m sure she receives. Well lets find out what the expert does:
So there’s more messages that I “captured”, but my conscious just hit me. I am feeling increasingly more and more guilty about putting this guy’s, who I’m sure is a nice guy, messages up. I know I know, it’s a shame, but trust me their good material.
I’m going to move on the next part. Which ironically is me actually using his profile for evil. I WAS just the silent observer, print screen-ing all of his messages, but after a while(probably about 6.7 seconds) my cynical humor set in.
How funny would it be if this guy, who’s profile I’m logged into, started winking at guys. Well that’s not really that funny, but when winked at the correct “targeted” profiles, it could be hilarious. Don’t understand what I mean?? See below. I winked at the following two profiles. Let me explain why.
Well that’s it. I leave you with words from our dear friend. I sent myself a message from this guys profile. It’s what I would image he would say:
Best Date Ever…..
Posted by Single Steve in bars, dating, funny, girls, humor, online dating, rant on February 19, 2009
So please allow me to put on my jerk hat for the content of this blog. Actually I’m going to put on my EXTREME jerk hat for this blog. I know usually I’m kind of a sarcastic jerk in my blogs, but they’re always about anonymous girls so I don’t feel that bad about being a jerk.
This one’s a little different in that it’s about a specific girl and the worst date ever. Now I’ll use a fake name for her, but I am going to show some photos. Me showing the photos isn’t me trying to be an uber jerk, but showing just how magically terrible online dating is shaping up to be.
I promise I’m not jerk. Nor am I as shallow as this blog will make me out to be.
So there’s my disclaimer for being a jerk, and here’s the tale of the maybe the worst date ever?
So were going to Quentin Tarantino this blog. I’m going to start with the ending and we’ll work our way through and show how it got to that point.
End of the date:
Girl and I step out of my car at my place. We both awkwardly take a few steps towards my place and stop. MORE awkward silence. At this point I’m thinking of stabbing myself in the face, only so I can tell my date I’m bleeding from the face and we should probably call it a night. I quickly remember my low threshold for pain and rule out the option. Now I’m thinking how can I end this date without having to make out with her. The only option. The high five. We often forget the power of the high five.
We high five and go our separate ways for the night.
Now lets see how we got to the high five.
Scene:
Eharmony.com girl.
So above is the one photo she had up on eharm. Not a bad photo, kind of a cute chick, right? Well certainly nothing that would be cause for alarm to stop the ever embarrassing online dating process. Girl and I make it through the terrible steps of “communicating” and we get to the final step of “open communication” which means we are now talking via personal emails. “You could say things are getting pretty serious.” So were emailing back and forth, yada yada, always good content emails with a lot of exclamation marks. Exclamation marks are good because they show she’s excited about this process and life in general. Right? When we met in real life, I wonder where all the exclamation marks had gone. I’ll get to that in a bit.
So we finally get to the point where we exchange myspaces. I know right, that’s like third base. So this is where red flag 2 and 3 come into play.
Now, now you’re probably thinking I’m a super jerk for such a comment. All I’m saying is it’s a red flag, or at least some shade of yellow flag. I’m not saying I need to date someone who was prom queen(though I would).
Think about it. People have friends for a reason. Like you are my friend because I’m super strong, uber smart, ridiculously funny and really modest. People with no friends, have no friends for a reason. The reasons COULD be she’s new to myspace or she doesn’t use myspace that often, I’m willing to accept those possibilities. I’m just saying.
This leads into red flag three. . .
Her only other photo up was the one above.
I AM NOT SHALLOW HAL. But I think we would all be lying if we said physical attraction wasn’t important. We have to be physical attracted initially to other person other wise it just wont work. So again this is a red flag that probably should have deterred me, but nope.
So the date:
We decided to meet up and grab some dinner. Shes already out and about and kind of in the neighbor hood, so I suggest we meet at my house and go from there. I know, I know bad move inviting her over to my house when I’ve never met her before. But she didn’t sound like a 40 year old man on the phone so I thought it was a safe bet.
She arrives, and, and, and , well remember the two photos of who she could show up looking like. She was definitely the later or two. THAT’S FINE, not a big deal. I wasn’t initially physically attracted but I’m thinking maybe she has an amazing personality and it will all balance out. Survey Says. . . . . X(I’m such a jerk). We drive down the street to a Mexican restaurant where we would go on to have the most awkward conversations ever. I am a talkative person, I can talk about anything to anyone, BUT I am not one to one side a conversation and talk for 2 hours straight. Pretty much when I wasn’t talking, there was this extreme silence. The kind of silence you wish you could accidentally stab yourself in the leg, just so your screams of pain would stop the silence. Yeah, that bad. This leads into red flag 4, when she did talk all she talked about was.
We can both tell how badly this date is crashing and burning(or so I thought), so we get done eating and we opt just to call it a night. We ride in silence back my place and this is how we got to the five high scenario describe above. So now you know. This is how the high five saved my life.
Side note: She text me on the way home says ” It was nice to meet you!I had a great time tonight! We should do this again!!”
At this point I wondered if we had gone on the same date. Or if blacked out at some point and during that time it was more interesting(man I’m a jerk).
Closing thoughts: This was my second internet date. The first date was with this really cool girl, and I thought it actually went really well, but it was horrible timing. We went out once and then I left the next day for AZ for a week and half for X mas break. I got back and thought my window for the second date was closed. Oh well.
This date, this date almost crushes all hope of my online dating experience. Not that I am actually vesting that much into this online dating, it’s more or less just something comical to write about at this point.
Now that I’ve scared away any girl that might be thinking about going out with me because she fears our date will end up as one of my blogs.
So my question to you is:
My 6 months is running out soon. Should I renew on both Eharmony.com and match.com? maybe just one? Maybe none? Input is required.
comment: it makes me feel warm inside
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