I’m not really sure what this blog is going to be about, I just haven’t written in a while and know I need to write something soon. People be all up on me, askin me to write. Ya heard. Or something to that extent, but it’s time. Some of you might wonder? How does he do it!? How does Single Steve write his hilarious blogs?? Actually I bet nobody cares, or thinks they’re hilarious, but I’m going to tell you anyways. I have a routine. Step one is to say your going to write a blog then wait a month. Then wait until the last possible time to write it. I usually don’t even start typing until about 11:00pm, because I’m the worlds biggest procrastinator. Step 2 is to have as much media and distractions on as possible. I have a web browser open with my 3 defaults of facebook, twitter and gmail, which I toggle between OCD like every 15 seconds. I have Conan on mute, which is still surprisingly very entertaining, I have my Glee station on Pandora going. Yeah, I said Glee. Yes, I’m straight. Yes, I’m sure. Step 3 is begin word vomit. I open up a blank word document and start with the title. Usually all I need is the title, and the rest seems to write itself. It usually takes about an hour for me to complete my word vomit, which is pretty quick in comparison, it would take me hours to write the same length paper for my class papers. I think this is because when I write blogs I basically just sit down and write stream of conscious style, no back button, no grammar check, whatever brain thinks, finger types, sometimes I check the spelling, sometimes I don’t. I know this drives some of you crazy, but to be fair, I’m a not writer, no aspirations of being a writer, and even calling myself a “blogger” is comical to me. When I started writing blogs back in myspace days, I wasn’t doing it to be a blogger. I was doing it to make my exgirlfriend look like a cheating whore. Isn’t that how all good blogs get started? Now when I write its with the intention of entertainment and to trick girls into mating with me. I mean dating with me. No, I meant mating with me. Not that this blog is anything, this is still small potatoes in the world wide web, but it’s definitely more than what I was expecting it to be when I started it years ago. Calling myself a blogger is comincal to think about, isn’t that like saying I have a level 47 paladin with a plus two mace? Do girls like bloggers? I was at a NYE party this weekend and my friend Nicole introduced me as “Steven <pause for 1.3 seconds>, he has a blog”. GREAT. My chance of them being my midnight kiss went from zero percent to “I might mace him if he gets closer” percent.

Actually this bring me to a very important question. I need your input. Please comment and let me know your thoughts: At what point do I tell the girls I’m dating that I have a blog? Immediately? Never? I’m assuming the girl I will be dating doesn’t know about the blog, because what girl would date me after knowing I have this blog? Actually Another question to the females: Is this blog a deal breaker?

Anyways, I digress, back to the title. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be writing about? Maybe I should change the title to “Word Vomit”, then I could write about anything I want and technically still be within bounds? Okay, okay, back to how “Being Funny Never Got Anyone Laid.”

Realistically I still disagree with you. I still think being funny never got anyone laid. Hear me out. I’m saying in general. I know it’s happened before and will happen again. So please refrain from sending me pictures of how ugly you are and how attractive your girlfriend is, I believe you. Actually you can send me pictures of your attractive girlfriend, I ‘m not going to stop you. Every girl says they want someone funny, I know this because every single online dating profile I have ever read, makes reference to a guy with a sense of humor or being funny. Which to me, is obvious right? Do we really need to state we want to date/mate with someone who’s funny? Isn’t that like saying, must not be a jerk, must breathe air, or must have arms? No offense to anyone without arms. But who doesn’t like to laugh!? I can’t think of a single person who doesn’t appreciate humor. If they don’t like to laugh, they probably shouldn’t be dating anyways because we don’t want to pass on their genes. I think Darwin would have my back on this one.
Listen to what I’m saying “Being Funny Never Got Anyone Laid.” LAID. Laid is the keyword here. I didn’t say “Being Funny Never Got Anyone In a Relationship, Like The Serious Kind, Where You Change Your Facebook Profile”. I’m NOT saying that.

What I’m saying is, no girl on planet earth, has ever been at a bar, leaned over to her girlfriend sitting down next to her and said “OMG that guy across the bar, looks hilarious, I think I’m going to go talk to him” Or “OMG that guy across the bar, looks like a nice guy, with a good job, who would treat me nicely, I think I’m going to go talk to him, what’s more likely is “OMG that guy across the bar, has a bejewled tiger on his shirt, I think I’m going to go talk to him” or “OMG that guy across the bar, has amazing deltoids, and I don’t even know what deltoids do, I think I’m going to go talk to him.”

WHICH is 100 percent fair. Absolutely. Guys do the exact same thing. Exact. Initial physical attraction is extremely important. So what am I getting at. We are all shallow. All of us. At least initially, and that’s okay. And I’m not looking to just get laid because of some physical or personality qualities, well I am, but believe it or not I like relationships, I like being in relationships, I want to have just one forever lasting epic relationship <insert puking in your mouth here>. I know this will pain you for me to say this, but I’d rather be in a relationship than single. As comical being single is for you and me. The bar is only an example, shallowness happens everywhere, and why this whole thing came up I guess is because I’ve seen it translated to online dating. I think? I hope? Otherwise I have no way of explaining how I am in communicating with 672 females on eharmony.com. And it’s not just eharmony, I have zero point zero percent luck on any of the online dating websites. Remember that time I made a fake profile of:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/SanDiegoSam/
I made that fake profile as an experiment to see if online dating was as shallow as I thought. My hypothesis was correct.

For more details check out the blog: http://www.singlesteve.com/2009/03/i%E2%80%99m-too-awesome-to-date/

And some of you are probably screaming, “YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO MEET A GIRL AT A BAR OR ONLINE DATING!”, I can tell you’re yelling because you used Caps locks. At this point you urge me to go out and just do things in the community and meet women doing the things I like doing. “It will happen naturally”, you say. I say shut your fucking mouth when your talking to me. I’m doing that all stuff, and more. I’m doing that like it’s my job. In fact, if I could brag for second, I actually do so much community ish, that I was nominated and selected as a key influencer for San Diego and I will be getting the opportunity to take a flight in a Blue Angel next year. Yeah. You heard right, a Blue Angel!? I’m pretty excited, it’s like uber bucket list type of thing.

I’m not really sure how that fits into this blog, but I really just wanted to brag. You would too. Where was I……I think I was complaining about online dating, wha wha wha. Woah is me type of thing. Anyways I’m over online dating, I’m just waiting for my eharmony.com subscription to end, then I’ll have to find some other way to waste my money on girls I’m not dating.

Speaking of, let me tell you about the last date I went on. It’s the first date I’ve been on in months, I was pretty optimistic about it. Somehow I managed to get through all 17 steps of eharmony, and to an actual date!? So I pick her up, and we go to my default Italian restaurant (I know, I know, I need to venture out more, but to my defense this was kind of a last minute date coordination), we have a bottle of wine with our delicious dinner. General awkward first date type of conversation. I suggest we go to Balboa Nights, she suggest we keep drinking, good sign number 1. So we keep drinking. We stroll down to the wine bar, a block down, where we proceed to have another bottle of delicious wine. Conversations going well, I guess? She’s definitely shy, but loosening up after 2 bottles of wine. We’re sitting close, with one hand on my leg and the other on my arm resting on the table. Things are going pretty well? She suggest we get another bottle of wine…..I tell her, if I have another bottle of wine, I will be unable to drive her home…..with the assumption we would both just go back to my place blocks away….she says yes, lets get another bottle of wine. Dear Diary. So we finish the 3^rd bottle of wine, at this point we were both versnickered obviously. We are actually in such poor shape, I insist we take a taxi for the 4 blocks back to my place, as opposed to the 30 minute epic walk it was sure to going to be at that point. We get back to my place…..I’m pretty excited at this point, like the first time I heard the Beatles type of thing, so we start kissing, well what she considered to be kissing. She was the worst kisser I’ve kissed since 8^th grade, no not you Hillary Volsteadt. It was the worst thing ever, it was terrible, absolutely the worst. It’s hard to explain, but imagine if someone were to just hold there mouth slightly open with no lip movements, with their tongue slightly out. Yeah, I would later compare it to kissing a corpse to my friends. Kissing someone who doesn’t move anything is awkward. And then when she did “use” her tongue, she jabbed it out like a lizard and just kept it out, like she was trying to touch her nose? It was a complete turn off. I went from thinking it was going to be boom boom time, to thinking I’ll never be able to get an erection again. That’s a little dramatic, but after the bad kissing boom boom was definitely not going to be happening. “But Steven, couldn’t you just bang without kissing her??”, I could but then wouldn’t that make her a hooker? I like to kiss. I love to kiss. If I had to pick kissing or sex for the rest of my life, I would pick kissing. Sex is great don’t get me wrong, but kissing can be done a lot more places, a lot more times, and I don’t need to apologize for only kissing for 15 seconds. We continue to “kiss”, until we lie down in my bed in which I promptly fell into a coma to avoid kissing anymore. Of course I cuddled the shit out of her, I love cuddling, and haven’t had a good cuddle in months, so at least that felt good. I never went on a second date with the bad kisser. It’s a deal breaker. It’s not my job to teach a 27 year old to kiss. MAYBE under different circumstances, if I could see other personality qualifiers I would like to pursue. Well try again next time.

Now let me tell you about the best non date I’ve been on in a long time. It was my date for my company’s holiday party. Now date is a strong word, granted she was my “date”, but it was more like she agreed to accompany me to my party. I’ve never had any romantical interactions with her prior, I’ve know her since sophomore year in college. Actually,truth be told, I actually had a super crush on her in college, like ridiculous, teenage dream type of thing. We both worked at the same photography company, I was a photographer and she did some office work type stuff. She’s hilarious, outgoing, goofy, witty, smart, and beautiful. So now you can see why 19 year old Steven had a crush on her. Did 19 year old Steven do anything about it? You better believe it! I walked right up to her, looked deeply into her in the eyes and asked her out. Oh wait, no I didn’t. Now that I think about it 19 year old Steven didn’t do a thing. That’s okay, she’s one of those out of my league girls, that I was just content that she knew my name. So flash forward 8 years later, we both live in San Diego now, kept in contact, see each other every so often at our local alumni events, still just happy she knows my name, So sure, my 19 year old crush for sure went away, because 27 year old men don’t have crushes, but I’d be lying if I still didn’t find her really attractive, funny and other yada yadas. I’m just saying. Anyways I somehow I was able to jokingly ask her if she was going to be my date for my company’s holiday party. I say jokingly because I wouldn’t have the balls to regularly ask her to my company’s holiday party. That way if she said no, I could just play it off as waka waka, I was just being funny Steve. I fear rejection. Which is probably the root cause of me being single, but we can Dr. Phil that issue of mine at a later time. So anyways, I asked her during one of our alumni football events, I was a few beers in, she told me to re-ask/confirm the next day, so it wasn’t just the beer talking. Having a few beers in me was probably the only way I had enough liquid courage to talk coherently to her. When I talk to girls I am super intimidated by, I become speechless, unfunny and tend to make up words. This can be the case with her. I confirmed the next day and she was in. I knew and had no intentions of this being a romantical event, I just knew that it was going to be a blast with her as my date. Which it was. It was the funniest non date, date I’ve been probably ever been on. I’m just saying, it was a good time. Highlights include, a 40 passenger party of me and my other “young cool” co-workers, driving us around from PB to La Jolla in circles while we drink like teenagers on the way to high school prom. I was able to procure a contraband Four Lokos (original formula), as one of many drinks I had on the bus up to the party. Four Lokos actually taste terrible, but I can see why all the kids love it. All I had growing up was boones farm, and I had to walk uphill both ways just to get it. Here’s why I had such a good time:

It was just fun, you know. Like everything about it. I’m sure I started off slightly awkward because I still get extremely intimidated by her, but after our first eleventeen drinks, things got better. One of my favorite parts was the people watching, like we would both see the same thing, and without saying a word we would know exactly the same cynical, hilarious comment that should be made. I could go on and on about things I liked about the non date date, but I don’t want to be a super stalker. Basically after the party we ended up dancing our faces off at Bar West, somehow we got in with an Effiel Tower. After that we went to Mcdonalds and both ordered the same thing, a bucket of mcnuggets. We made our way back to her house, chit chatted for a bit, but then this is when I panicked. I knew from the get go there was no romantical-ness to this date, it was just two fun people doing something fun. Which I was super excited about. I panicked when I got back to her place because it was at the point when I was at her house, drunk, just had an epic night, it’s 2:37am, and I’m thinking to myself, you know what!? We just had a really really good time, why couldn’t this night be romantical?? But then I started thinking, what she must be thinking, I mean she agreed to accompany me as a friendly gesture, so if I start trying to make out with her now, she’s probably going to punch me in the mouth. But then I started thinking AGAIN, I mean, it was 2:37am, she did invite me back to her place, we did just have a great time, maybe she wants to make out with me? All these conflicting thoughts of what’s going on, gave me the panics. Because I then tried to start reading into her actions and words to see what was going on. I mean nothing changed from the beginning of the night to the end of the night, so of course this is still just a friendly get together of two fun people. Which is what my final determination of the situation to be. I do recall, as I was leaving, standing in her doorway, she gave me a long hug, and trying to muster up some words to thank her for the amazing time I had, being unable to look her in the eyes, glaring somewhere near her feet and saying “I’m impressed with everything you do”, she said thanks, and good night, and I about faced and walked away, wishing I could go back in time and say something less awkward. Really!? I’m impressed with everything that you do!? WHO SAYS THAT!? I don’t even know what means!? I’m an idiot. Apparently I thought she would be swooned by me if I complemented her on everything. Not just somethings, but everything. I don’t even know where that came from, it just word vomited out. It was one of those things where your lips move, words come out, and immediately the inner voice in your head is screaming “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”.

What I actually wish would have happened is, I wish that right at that moment as I was standing in her doorway, giving her a long hug goodbye, at that moment, I looked over her shoulder, and looked directly into the camera and said “To the cloud!”. Then I could go to “the cloud” and consult my advisers as to what to say.

I guarantee you that had I had the ability to pause time and go to the cloud, I would of come up with much better last words for ending the date. Oh well.

In summary I had a great time, I hope she did too. So now to your obvious questions, yes, she knows how to read, and yes, she reads this blog. I know me writing about this is a bit much, but that’s how it is. I write my heart on my sleeve, I word vomit what comes out, and I think she understands that. This doesn’t change a thing between us. Not a thing. I mean all I did was write about a good time I once had. And so what if I stole of clump of her hair and made it into a doll and named it after her. So what, big deal. I’m probably going to actually let her read this first, to see if she approves, and if your reading this right now, that means she does. We’ve text back in forth since, holidays hit, our relationship will remain status quo, as it should. As it should. What’s funny, is she’s actually started a blog about her dating woes as well. She says I inspired her, but that can’t be true. I’ll link it later, I don’t want to embarrass her anymore than she might already be.But if I know her, which I think I do, but I probably don’t, she finds this blog more funny, than embarrassing. Her blog is really good actually, but I find the idea that she has problems dating a little ridiculous. Wow I really should have called this blog “Word Vomit”, because I really went off on some tangents for this one.

Happy 2011!

Questions to you:
-At what point do I tell the girls I’m dating that I have a blog? Immediately? Never?

-Is this blog a deal breaker?
You should like my fan page.  And by should I mean, you have to. If you don’t, it’s like stealing.

Now this is a story, all about how, my life got flipped-turned upside down, and I like to take a minute, just sit right there, and tell you how I went on a date that ended in complete despair.

This blog is about a date. What was supposed to be, an epic date. It was date between myself and this other single, attractive, funny, Hispanic, blogger that lives in San Diego. Sounds like my soul mate right? Keep reading……

The Setup

Where to start, where to start…..I guess I’ll start at the very very beginning. The beginning is, how I even stumbled upon her blog in the first place. Good question. I guess it occurred during one of my weekly creep sweeps of twitter and facebook. You know, creep sweeps, where you type into facebook something you’re looking for and see what pops up. Here are some examples:

So yes, was doing one of my weekly creep sweeps, when I ran across her facebook fan page The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single. So, me, being the mature adult I am, didn’t send her an message, didn’t make any actual contact with her, instead I posted about it on my facebook fan page like an 8^th grade child.

The ball kind of got rolling from there. Everybody was asking when I was going to ask her out. This I had to think about, was I going to ask her out as Single Steve or Real Life Steve. The best advice I was given, came from this girl:

We were at a bar, 1, 2 or  8 drinks deep when Kelly told me I need to man up and send this girl a real email as Real Life Steve. So I did. I took the serious approach, for once. Here is the email I sent:

After that we set a date. I was actually nervous and slightly excited. Which is rare for me to feel that way about a date, especially after my last date. So anyway, we then decided that it would be a fun idea to let our readers make suggestions for our date. It was funny because she posted the question to her twitter followers first, and she was getting some really good legit suggestions.

When I posted it to my twitter, this is when I realized my readers might be assholes. I’m JUST kidding, you’re not assholes, most of you, some of you are just funny. Here’s the advice I was given:

So as you can tell I got some really good input about my date. I actually did get some good suggestions on places to go. I knew she liked Italian food and wine, so I made reservations according. I actually made reservations at 3 different Italian places in San Diego. I figured it was better to have options, than to not have options and end up at Peter Piper Pizza and yelling “Surprise!!” I canceled the other 2 reservations hours before the actual date, after I picked out the perfect spot….
The day of the date, I left early work, got my gangster fade, got my car washed and even bought some new jeans, just for this date. Like I said, it was on, like donkey kong. Later, while on the actual date, I remember thinking and probably saying out loud “I got my car washed for this!?”

The Date

I google mapped her place and saw she lived “6 minutes away”, me being narcotic about being punctual, left 20 minutes before I was supposed to pick her up, you know, just incase. I drove by the place, got my bearings and parked down the street. I was actually nervous for this date. Weird. I don’t get nervous. I can present to a group of hundreds with no problem, but one pretty girl and I start stuttering and fumbling my words, and yes, I get nervous.

I pull up to her condo, park, get out, and text her that I was “huuur”. On that note, at this point, we had not spoken a single word to each other, nor had I actually seen more than a side profile photo of her. I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles when you facebook/twitter/stalk/blog meet someone. I’m outside waiting for her, she makes her way down the steps towards the car, I can feel my palms start to sweat. She gets within eye contact range, I notice she’s even prettier in person than she was in her thumbnail of facebook profile picture. Dear Diary, Jackpot. Funny thing about the thumbnail facebook picture, it only showed her upper half, it was at this point I realized I had no fucking idea how tall she was. Turns out she was at least 5’11. Shit. The only thing that could have hindered this date, did. I approach her and give her a “hi hello nice to meet you hug”, of course I had to tippy toe, hoping she didn’t notice the obvious height differential.

Let me start off by saying I don’t have a height complex. Not at all. I’m 5’9 (well 5’8 and a half), and feel like that’s a pretty average height for a guy. In fact, I looked this up. The average height for a man is 5 feet 9.2 inches, and the average height for a woman is 5 feet 3.8 inches. FACT. I am average height for an adult male. FACT. She was 2 standard deviations taller than the normal distribution of women heights.

I’ve dated girls taller than me, not a big issue. It’s just, admittedly, a little intimidating.

*FACT: I drive an Infinity G35. For those of you that think I actually drive a white rape van as described in her blog, you’re idiots.

But I digress, she gets in the car, smells real pretty and we start our adventure. I start driving, on our way out to the freeway we pass her favorite club, she lets me know it’s basically TJ night every night. Sounds awesome. . . .

Our reservations are for 7:30 at Il Fornaio, a recommendation from a reader for Italian, looked good on the interweb.  Here’s the view from our table:

We’re seated, we order a bottle of wine, and conversation continues. I thought the conversation was going well? I’m not sure. She kept interrupting me to tell me about her past dates and how they used to fly her out on their jets, but also how she “wasn’t impressed with that”. I felt like telling her, “well I go on dates with chubby chicks, but I’m not impressed with that”, but somehow I don’t think that’s the same thing.
She also felt the need to keep mentioning how her more recent boyfriend was a TV star. Not only do I not have a jet,  I also don’t have my own TV show. Sorry.

I thought our conversation was going well? Apparently not, we both “checked” phones, and I saw a twitter update from her 2.3 seconds later…..

Awesome. I think it was at this point we both realized this date had gone south, but dinner hadn’t even arrived yet, so we had to stick it out.

Dinner couldn’t come quick enough, AND when dinner finally got there she stole my plate. I’m all about sharing, but she literally took my plate to her half of the table. This is an actual picture of her stealing my food.

She said “By the way, I’m going to steal your food”, so I guess that makes it okay!?

Dinner was delicious, the small amount I was allowed to steal away when she wasn’t looking. We finished dinner, finished the bottle of wine, and both “checked” our phones again. And again 2.3 seconds later I saw her twitter updated with…

I wanted to respond via twitter with “@sdlolo It’s spelled “whack” sasquatch”, but I didn’t. I refrained.Ftw! It’s time to pay the bill and leave. I’m sorry I don’t own a jet, but I’ll at least buy dinner.

We make our way back to her house, just as I’m dropping her off, by some divine chance, Mariah Carey’s “Why you so obsessed with me” comes on, I dedicate the song to her and wish her a good night. I got the old awkward side car hug, which is basically 3^rd base, so yeah, it was pretty good night.

Would I go on another date with said girl?
Yeah, I think we really have something special.

If you want to read her interpretation of the date go here:
Chapter 14. A Leprechaun and Sasquatch

See all these social media buttons I’ve plastered all over my site?? Use them.

Join my facebook group.

Your thoughts? Is she the one that got away?Leave me some comments.

NOW, with that being said, it’s time for me to be a jerk, so sit back and let me tell you about an absolutely terrible date I went on a week ago from the free online dating website okcupid. Well, it wasn’t terrible terrible, but I guess I was just more optimistic about my first date (with a human being) in 6 months. I guess that’s my fault.

So lets set the scene, me, habitual pathetic online dater, I’ve almost completely saturated the girls of okcupid.com. And by saturate I don’t mean I’ve dated every girl on okcupid.com and it’s time for me to move on. By saturate I mean I’ve gone one 1 date, but I’ve probably sent emails to every girl aged between 22 and 30, who I thought was attractive, that lives in a 30 mile radius of San Diego. No it wasn’t all at once, creep, it was over the course of time. Thankfully for me, okcupid lets me know I’ve already sent an email out to said girl, and when I sent it. And once you send an email and don’t get a response, you probably shouldn’t send another opening email. Or maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong? Maybe I need to send 13 emails to a girl before she responds

Anyways, a girl, a human girl, actually responded back to my email! I know right. Making me one for 437. Not bad. I’ve always been told it was a numbers game. Girl and I email back and forth a couple times, and it was decided we were going to go out on a “date”. GULP. My first date date in 6 months, kind of a big deal.

So about the girl, here’s her stats…..

Right? So nothing to be concerned about, just your average girl. Game on.

She seemed interesting and funny via email, but we all know typed words can be deceiving. Like apparently my blogs make me sounds like a funny white guy, yeah, like that.

What did she look like you ask!?

Physically she was um…pretty? Well if you average all of her photos together, she was pretty. What do you mean average all of her photos together you ask? Well shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you what I mean. I mean, good question. I MEEEEEEAN, on okcupid you can post multiple photos of yourself. Said girl had 5 photos. That’s 5 opportunities for me to decide my physical attractiveness to her before our date. That’s IF her photos had all been from the same time frame.

Her 5^th photo was the most attractive, but I feel like that was also the LEAST recent. The 4^th was the next best and so on, until you get to her main profile picture (1^st photo), which looks almost like a completely different person from her 5^th photo.

Yeah, I’m a terrible. Oh well. And it’s not like I haven’t put on weight since the 8^th grade either, but I’m not going to post up a picture from then, trying to pass off like I still might be at my 8^th grade weight. All of my pictures are current and look like me. Except this one.

So knowing that mostly likely she was probably going to be looking more like picture 1, then picture 5, I still decided to go out on the date. HEY! I know what you’re thinking “You shallow son of bitch”, fuck your couch. I’m not as shallow as you think, BUT I think we’d all be lying if we said that physical attractiveness wasn’t important. You have to be physically attracted to the person, at least initially. No girl ever looks across the bar and says ‘Oh my god, that guy looks really fucking ha-larious, I’m going to grind on him”. No girl EVER does that. It’s more like “Oh my god, that guy has massive pecks and a sweet Ed Hardy shirt, I’m going to go grind on him”

I have to light myself on fire and start break dancing, just to get girls to notice me at bars.

But I digress, so after averaging all her pictures together I decided I was attracted enough to go out on a date with her. I mean I haven’t been on a date in Fooooooreeeeeevaaaaar (Sand Lot style), and I thought why the F not. Who knows maybe she’ll be twice as awesome in person?

The Date

The date…..so I suggested dinner and drinks, she seemed excited about the idea. So I’ve got this cliché date I always do, always. I’ve used this same date sequence on probably and literally 10 girls since being in San Diego. Some of them were date dates, some of them were just friends I was trying to make out with. So what’s the date. The date always starts off at the same nice quant Italian restaurant a few blocks from me (in Hillcrest), they have an awesome, and a very intimate atmosphere. After we have a good meal, and a bottle wine, I then I suggest we walk ½ a block down the street to Wine Steals. Wine Steals is a great place to continue the drinking and the conversation, while emphasizing my “grown-up-ness”. As opposed to suggesting after dinner we go down to Dirty Birds in PB and shotgun beers. ALTHOUGH I wouldn’t be opposed to dating a girl that did that, I just don’t feel like that’s a first date move.

Yeah that’s my date move, and that’s how it supposed to work, at least in my head. It never works as planned, I usually blow it about wine steals, which is about the time I start smelling her hair when she’s not looking. I have to stop doing that.

If you’re reading this blog and thinking “Oh shit!? Steven and I went to that Italian place for dinner, and then he suggested we go to Wine Steals afterwards, but we’re jut friends, he wasn’t trying to bang me…… Right?” Wrong. Well I probably wasn’t trying to bang you, but I was at least trying to make out with you. Sorry, I’m not sorry.
And for future girls, that I casually suggest we go to this really good Italian restaurant near my house, it’s actually code for “I’m going to buy you dinner and drinks on the 5 percent change you want to make out with me”. So now you know.

Anyways, focus, THIS was the date plan.

I get to her apartment, give her call, and she said she’ll be right down. Now the time between when she hangs up and she actually gets down stairs is probably the most nervous 4 minutes of the date for me. I frantically, do a last minute breathe and teeth check, I start smashing all the AC buttons to make sure the car is at a comfortable air temperature, and then I nervously flip through the radio stations to find a “cool” song.

She opens the doors, and immediately I notice this is NOT the girl from photo 5, nor photo 4, nor 3, nor 2, nor 1. It’s worst than we feared….much worse……the girl from photo negative 2 showed up (I’m a terrible human being, I know). I’m a little rattled as she starts approaching the car (literally, think Jurassic Park…), but I’m an extremely optimistic person, I thinking I’m going to make the most of this date and maybe well just have a super duper awesome time. Maybe.

(NO I’m not going to show you photos of her, that would just be mean. Although I have shown photos of her to just about everyone I’ve told this story to in real life, so meet up with me in “real life” if you’d like to see pictures that accompany this story.)

(AND for the record, I like girls with a little meat on them. I don’t like really skinny girls, I feel like I’m going to break them, or eat them, it’s just not normal. I like girls that would be considered average to bigger than average, for the record. BUT she was bigger than even I would find attractive)

She gets into the car and she smells of sweet sweet perfume and there was something else, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she definitely smelt of something much different that perfume. I figured it out, but not, till much later….

We make our way to the Italian place, order food, order wine, have an average conversation. Nothing spectacular, nothing terrible. I’m a talker, I can make it work regardless of how little she talked. After dinner I proceed to start progressing towards step 2, suggest we go get a drink at a really classy wine bar about half a block away, she fires back with we should go to Aerobar. Aerobar!? I’ve never been, but I always see it off the freeway on the sketchy frontage road. Going along with her suggestion, we head out to Aerobar.

We get to Aerobar, and it’s exactly what I would expect it to look like. Small, narrow, one bar with some pool tables in the back. The bar is packed, all local older San Diegian type of crowd. We sit down at the bar and order a drink. What she FORGOT to mention is that this place is basically her Cheers. Awesome. I mean I love meeting new people and being social, and I’m really good at it. But she is constantly telling me to wait right here, she’ll be back, and runs off to chat with a group across the bar, it’s starts getting old reeeeeeal quick. I didn’t come to Aerobar to sit by myself, and watch a 40 something couple make out 3 feet away from me like the Titanic was going down. I didn’t. She finally has a seat and we start talking again when she gets interrupted by her phone ringing. She opens up her purse to grab her phone, and what did my little eyes spy that ended any hope of a second date??
Cigarettes. Really? Cigarettes? Who still smokes? It’s the year two thousand fucking ten.

Also she was talking about running a half marathon this year. Um, step one, stop fucking SMOKING. I know I might be over reacting, you’re thinking it was just a pack of cigarettes Steven you don’t even know if they were hers, or how often she smokes. Shut up, this is my blog, I can over react anyway I want. But THEN it clicked. When she got into the car she smelt like sweet sweet perfume and terrible terrible cigarette smoke. FAIL. This is a deal breaker. I will NOT date someone that’s smokes. I did date a girl that smoked only when she drank, and I hated it. She smelt like smoke, tasted like smoke and made me smell like smoke.
Pretty much I stopped listening.  No physical attraction, no mental attraction AND she smokes. Fail. Date could not end quick enough. We get back to her house, I drop her off, no hug, no kiss, just a “Well, see ya later”.

As soon as I got home, I immediately logged onto okcupid, to check her profile to see if she said she smokes….as you can check above, I guess she did say she smokes. FUCK. I guess I was just so excited to get a response message from someone I didn’t do my usually background, profile creep sweep before hand. Smoking was just the straw that broke the camels back, not the only thing that helped me make my decision for no second date. F! I really wanted the date to go well. Well I really want any date to go well.

I hope it’s not another 6 months before my next date. . . I like dates, I like having dates, I like having someone to enjoy this adventure of life with me (not to get all emo on you). But seriously, I’m too awesome, and do awesome things which require a partner in crime. I’m tried of being my friend’s 3^rd, 5^th, and 7^th wheel on their date nights. Oh they say they’re not date nights, but they’re date nights.

So what am I looking for you ask??? I’m glad you asked. I actually have been building a list of requirements for my next girlfriend. Yes, requirements, I’m an engineer, what do you fucking want from me. Basically, I tweet periodically with the hash tag #RFMNGF which is Requirements For My Next GirlFriend. When ever an idea or thought pops into my head about something I would like my next girlfriend to have or do, I tweet about it.

I’ve started the page here:

RFMNGF

Those are my requirements, let me know if you meet those, or know someone that does. That list is growing daily

I’ll mention quickly on the way out of this blog…..

I may or may not have a “date” with this girl next week:The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single
She’s single, blogs, funny,  Hispanic and lives in San Diego!? Sounds like my internet twin. I suggest you become a fan, read her blogs, and give me some tips and advice on how to prepare.
I’ll keep you posted. Also big thanks to Shawn from Ragaboo.com, he was critical in helping me draft the perfect facebook message to her. Check out his blog, it’s most hilarious!

I live for comments. I’m kind of a whore like that.

Invite your friends to blog. I bet they’ll like it.

If I ever wrote a book, that’s what I would call it.
Even if the book has nothing to do being single, and the comedy that is my life, I just think it’s a good title. I wanted to name it “Ernest Goes to Camp”, but apparently there’s already a movie called that.

I always think my life is going to be an awesome romantic comedy. You know the one where the best friends don’t realize their perfect for each other until he’s at the altar, ready to marry a girl who’s a super bitch. And she comes running down the isle just in time to stop the wedding, confess her love and then they ride off into the sunset on ponies. Yeah, that one. Eh, probably not going to happen. Instead my love life is more like the movie Jurassic Park 3, which just sucked. But this blog isn’t going to be a whaaaaambulence, so let’s move on.

Let’s see what to write about…….hmm…..so apparently I’m a tyrant.  Or at least I strike fear into hearts of many. Well, maybe not many, but at least like 6 or so. So from what I hear from the word on the street, there are people out there who are AFRAID to join my facebook fan page. Say whaaaaaaaaa. Yeah. Afraid. Apparently there is fear I’m going to crush and make fun of random profiles of fans of the facebook group.

I don’t know where this irrational fear is coming from, well maybe I do, but I don’t it’s something that should prevent YOU from becoming a fan and following the blog.
You’re probably thinking, “Steven you’re just being paranoid, no one is actually afraid you’re going to make fun of their profiles”. First of all, shut the fuck up. This is my blog, stop talking. Secondly, you say something again and I swear to god I’m going to put your profile on blast so hard….I mean…no…I don’t do that. I mean what I’m trying to say is I’ve heard on multiple occasions people are afraid to follow the blog because they fear I might make fun of them….

I give you Exhibit A:
During one of my daily creep sweeps of facebook I ran across this comment on a friend’s facebook wall…..

I learned 3 things from this facebook post.
1.) Staci is afraid I’m going to terrorize her and her facebook profile
2.) Staci thinks Stephanie is a slut
3.) Stephanie thinks Staci is a hooker

Let’s focus on number 1. So I’ve never met Staci, and we’re not friends on facebook. Not that I don’t think we couldn’t be friends in real life, we just aren’t. She’s read the blog, and has this impression that I’m an uber jerk who goes around making fun of random people just to be a jerk.

She’s mostly right, but what she doesn’t know is I only make fun of two types of people:
1.) Dudes who don’t know where I live
2.) Girls who don’t read my blog

As far as I can tell from your small facebook profile pic that has 3 girls in it, you Staci, fall into the “random attractive girl that reads my blog” category. Which I then would then HIGHLY encourage you read/follow the blog without any hesitation. I wouldn’t even be mad if you decided to start stalking me. I’m just saying, think about it, just throwing it out.

My dating coach better be a miracle worker

As you may recall, I got me an official dating coach.. This person with the handle name of  @onlinewingwoman, stumbled across me and my blogs and she offered her services, sounds like a win win. The process has been going well enough, had some emails back and forth, about my online profile. So I extremely appreciate her insights and thoughts in helping me with my online profile, so when I share with you her thoughts it’s in no way condescending to her. I’m saying this to stay in her good graces, Just in case she still wants to make out with me. But I digress.

She’s has some good insights, as I am going to share them with you:

1.) I smile too much in my pictures
It’s true. If you check my facebook profile pictures you will see the same SUPER cheese smile in 99 percent of my 1000 photos. She wanted me to send her some photos where I wasn’t smiling. I couldn’t find a single photo of me not smiling. This might be an issue, apparently.

2.) She suggested I buy The Game by Neil Strauss
I did. I’m currently on page 2 after two weeks of reading. It could take a while

3.) “Your main problem is that you look waaaayyyy to nice in your pictures”
FML. Looking to nice is a problem!? I don’t disagree. I just can’t do anything about that. Right!? She then said “when a guy looks too nice the girl thinks, “oh, he won’t be able to take care of me in the bedroom” FML squared. Is that really what a girl thinks when she see’s a nice guy?? Because it’s not true. Ask anyone who’s slept with me. I’ve given many of them the best 34 seconds of their lives. Did I mention most of those 34 seconds were in a row? Yeah. So think about THAT next time you see a nice guy. But I do agree, I am lacking a bad boy dangerous element to my game. But is that really the path I want to go down on? (That’s what she said)

I was also google chatting with another friend of mine, telling him some of this advice she was giving me. I told him she thought I looked to nice. His deep words of wisdom:

Awesome. I’ll keep you updated.

Our company holiday party was this weekend. I actually had a date? Don’t worry she was just friend. She was the best date ever, tons of fun. I drank too much…… shocking? I introduced her to the VP of company as my fiancé, she was awesome and went with it. Oh booze. We hit up the photo booth like 100 times. Here is the low resolution (to protect identities) picture of the pictures:

This is the year. I can feel it. The year I get the cliché midnight New Years kiss. THANK GOD my friends are avoiding the expensive hotel party this year. I HATE those things. You pay $150 to wait in line to get in, to wait in line to get “free” drinks (I paid 150 bitches!?), wait in line pee, to wait in line to get into the dance areas. No thanks. And we all go as a group and only talk to the same 15 people we brought anyways. This year were doing a house party, should be a good time with good friends. Problem with that is, since it’s going to be all my friends at this party, the midnight kiss is looking like a null point. I mean if I haven’t made out randomly with my friends now, I don’t think New Years Eve is going to be the difference maker. Should be a great time either way!

So to recap. Don’t be afraid to join the facebook fan page, I promise I won’t make fun of you. You’re probably thinking “Steven why are you harping so much on people joining your stupid little facebook fan page, isn’t that a little vain, you vain son of bitch”. Again. What the fuck did I say about talking during my blog. Do it again, and I will cut you. But, good point. Basically it’s all I got to motivate me to update this blog regularly. If I see new people joining, people commenting, commanding me to write new blogs, I’ll think people are actually interested and want me to write a new blog. Ya dig? Also comments help to…..

Have a great holiday and happy new year! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do….

Not to be dramatic, but that’s getting pretty old. I can remember the days when I was just a day or two over 8000. Those were the days… I was a senior in college (year one of two), just getting exposed to the classy bar scene of Tucson (Buffet and the Nugget), living in a frat house (SICK braah), making out with B minus chicks, yep, not a worry in the whole wide world. I definitely wasn’t worried about getting married and popping out some kids. I’m still not worried. I’ve just been noticing it’s about that time.

And by it’s about that time, I mean Facebook is secretly trying to run my life.

That sneaky SOB. I was making some edits to my profile this morning, when I saw something that caught my eye and made me do a double take of screen. Usually my eyes glaze over the ad’s on the side of the right hand screen, useless garbage and nonsense. No I don’t want to fucking join Mafia Wars, no I don’t want to go to an online beauty college, blah blah blah…..but what did I see this time when I loaded my profile page you ask that caught my attention? It was the triple threat of single ads. First of all, fuck you Facebook, you don’t know anything about me. Secondly, really!? Do I need 3 ads to tell me how not to talk to girls?

Maybe I should date Christian girls, apparently they’re busty.

I’m used to one or two ads about single girls, but 3 was a bit much. I thought it was fluke, so I hit the refresh button, thought there was no way I could hit the singles ad jackpot twice in a row, but BAM, 3 more hot generic spambot ladies for me to click on. It was like gambling, what are the chances that out all the ads on all of facebook, I would get 3 “desperately single!? Click Here!!” ads.

I tried it again, and got an ad for an MBA program, this is when I and realized Facebook does targeted advertising based on who you “are”. How could I of missed it. Facebook is smart, it’s learning. You know what other computer based application was smart and learned?? That’s right. Sky Net. Fuck it’s so obvious to me know, facebook is learning, adapting, telling you who you should be, what ads to pick, then BOOM, it builds an army of evil robots to destroy to earth.

Or not, but still, who is Facebook is to tell me who I am? Who does facebook think you are?

What 3 ads show up when you go to your profile page?
Are you desperately single? Are you destine to annoy all of your friends and join Mafia Wars? Should you go back to school in Idaho? No seriously, comment on the blog and let me know who facebook thinks you should be.

So besides the ads facebook screaming at me to get a spambot girlfriend, more recently in the past year I’ve seen more and more feeds like “I’m engaged!”, “I’m pregnant again!”, “Wedding was great!”, “My baby daddy just got out of jail!”, etc. Basically I’m saying my facebook feed is much different than when I was 21. Either I need to make more 21 year old friends, or just come to terms that I’ll now get facebook feeds in regards to my friend’s children turning 15.

Speaking of 21 year olds! I’ve got a funny story. Not haha funny, but more like ouch haha funny. Or it might not be funny at all, but fuck you, you’re not paying me to write this so it’s your fault.

So anyways, a few weekends ago, my buddy from college got married in Tucson, so I made the trip down to Arizona for the wedding. I RSVP-ed a “plus one” weeks before I knew who I was taking. So of course, 3 days before the wedding I’m still dateless because I’m awesome at find dates. I had recently broken up with the girlfriend so I had no “options” of people who I would ask to make the road trip down with me to Tucson, so I did a hail mary and sent a text to a “friend” in Tucson and asked if she would like to accompany me to the wedding. She was a mutual friend of the guy getting married, and her older brother was going to the wedding so I thought it wouldn’t be completely out of the blue if she attended with me. I don’t know if you noticed I used the word “friend” in quotes a few sentences ago to describe who she is, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking. So she’s actually the little sister of a friend of mine from college, and sure I “know” her and we’re facebook friends, but prior to the wedding I had probably spoken only about 20 sentences in face to face conversation, and of those 20 sentences, 16 were probably on a professional level. So why only 4 sentences spoken to her in a social setting you ask? Well one, she’s extremely attractive, I mean really really pretty, and I’m kind of intimidated by her? Which is weird because I can confidently give a presentation in front of 100s of people, but talking to one very beautiful girl, and I can’t seem to form a coherent sentence. Two, we didn’t really have the same social circles, well we might of, but I wouldn’t know because I graduated before she started college…..oh yeah, she’s only 21.

Now I’m 26, and I don’t think that’s a huge age difference, and it’s not like I was asking her to this wedding to be romantical, which even isn’t a word, I just thought we would have a good time. Which we did. Some of my friends here in SD made a big deal out of the fact I asked someone “so much younger”.  But I think my friends are idiots. There I said it.

Anyways, I guess I was curious as to her take on the situation, but I wasn’t going to ask her “So do you think I’m too old to talking you?”

The funny moment occurred when we were at the reception just talking about weddings and marriage and the whole idea of it, she started a sentence with “I know you’re like way older than me…..”, at this point I stopped her, kind of did a comical pseudo freak out, she apologized and said that’s not what she meant. I know that’s not what she meant to say, but it’s funnier to be fake outraged at her comment. Like I said there was no intention of a romantic interest with me asking her to go with me to the wedding, but at this point I think I went from date to dad in 5.4 seconds. Ftw!

I know it’s not what she meant at all, but still funny hear. I had to coerce her into finishing her sentence, because I was genuinely curious as to where she was going with that. Basically the sentence ends with “but if I turn your age and I’m not married, I’m going to end up marrying the first douche bag that comes along”. Awesome. Apparently 26 is the freak out age for girls to start marrying the first jerk that comes along. Anyone know any 26 years old females?

So basically she was telling me I have 5 years to become douche bag, so you’re saying there’s a chance! Just kidding….Wedding was actually a lot of fun, good to see old faces (26 year olds), had a great time with ms. 21.
Questions, Comments,Concerns!?

Do the 3 ad challenge, who does facebook think you are?

Invite your friends to join the facebook page!

Where did I go you ask? I was in a little place called Relation City, USA. Yep, it’s true, Single Steve actually had a girl friend. Shocked are you? Fuck your couch, its possible. It was a great relationship, absolutely nothing with her, she was actually quite awesome. Some people think I’m an idiot/jerk to break up with her when the relationship was going great. Maybe. Probably.  I have no ill feelings and wish her the best of luck to her.

Blah blah blah, you jerks don’t care, be honest. You’re probably just thinking “Make me bicycle clown!” get back to be single, funny and ridiculous. Okay, okay, stop yelling. I’m right here. I’m back on schedule.

Step one is get back on online dating. Check. I logged onto my match.com account and was surprised to see I still had until November to embarrass myself. I forgot I “didn’t find love” in my first 6 months of my subscription, so Dr. Phil gave me another 6 free months of embarrassment. Hurray! I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free, but don’t worry that’s going pretty terrible too.

I actually was pretty excited I got an email saying I got a message on okcupid.com from a GIRL! I know right. A girl. So anyways, I could tell from my email that I had a message, but I couldn’t see what the message was or who the girl was.

So the whole day I was giddy like a little school girl with excitement. I almost never get messaged, so this was a pretty big deal. AND her name “LawLady85”, sounds kind of sexy right? Sounds like she’s about 24 years old and lawyer, awesome. Usually I get emails from names like “MomOfFive”, “MustLoveMy12Cats”, “ItsOkayIhaveAgreatPersonality”.

So I couldn’t check it because I was at work, so the whole day I was giddy with excitement thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead. I break into door, open up okcupid.com, furiously smash in my password and navigate to my messages. And there it was, there it was. A message, as promised, from LawLady85, who turns out to be a friend from college, fml. But Steven she could still want on right? Negative. Her message was basically, “write me a blog clown”. Nice. Thanks LawLady85……

But if any one is looking to date an attractive lawyer please see:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lawlady85

Tell her you saw her post on Craig’s List.

Match.com isn’t going much better. Below is an actual email I got a few days ago…

I leave you with some Craig List Losers:

Craigs List Shorty

I’m switching over to a facebook fan page. Join and Ill write more blogs. Promise.

Join here

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Single-Steve/147717841098?ref=ts

Leave comments, they make me feel justified in writing blogs

I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free online dating website, don’t worry, I haven’t been on any dates from there either. Maybe I’m just a bad online dater? Below is a hilarious example of an actual email chain I had with a girl from okcupid.com. It’s not typical of my communications of online dating, but I’m glad I did it.

Scenario:

I do my browsing (creep sweeps) of  profiles of girls that meet my “match”, I do a quick visual analysis of the profile picture and from there I make the decision of whether or not I’m going to continue and open up her profile. If you’re thinking to yourself “that’s pretty shallow Steven…”, fuck your couch. You’d be lying if you thought physical attractiveness wasn’t initially important. No one says from across the bar “Man, that guy looks funny, I’m going to go talk to him”. No one.

Anyways, I do my shallow Hal analysis and then proceed to her profile. Below is a said example, girl is super hotness in thumbnail sized pic, so I proceed to her profile.
Below is a snap shot of the first part of her profile.

I blurred some of the words to make her look more like a jerk than she actually is. It helps me build a case empathy of my feelings towards her, stay with me. My analysis of her profile is she comes off as “tool cool for school”, if people even still say that. She’s attractive and is doing online dating, so she pretty much holds all the cards, unfortunately. She can be a jerk and still get guys winking at her. She must get a million emails from tool bags, starting with the words “Hey Sexy”, so I can understand her defensiveness of online dating tools.

I’m realistic, I realize my chances are probably about a 3 percent chance she’ll respond to any email I send, so I shoot her a short, concise, non serious, half joking, not expecting a response, email.

Yep. That just happened. Ha! I’m not sure what got into me. I’m never a jerk on online dating, not even when I get the “please stop winking at me” automated emails from match.com

Maybe I was just so surprised she responded? I mean she pretty much set herself up for that old “hope you get hit by a bus” gag.  Needless to say we didn’t fall in love.

That’s how not to get a date from online dating.

Also it looks like according to the little voting thing I have on the left hand side of this blog that people want me to write about Craig’s list? Is this true? I have a couple hundred “hits” a day, but only 27 votes. Let me know what you jerks want.  kisses.

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There it is. I’ve officially back posted all of my old blogs from myspace to this blog. You know what that means!? That means new blogs, from me, to you. You might be wondering “Steven, why did you start a new blog anyways?” or “Why is your face covered up in pictures of you on this blog?” or maybe even “Why SingleSteve.com? Don’t you think it’s a little much?”

First of all, stop asking so many questions. It’s really fucking annoying. Secondly, I appreciate your inquisitive nature, it’s actually the reason I’ve brought you here. To The Most important Single Steve Blog You will EVER Read.

So here’s the thing, I like writing these blogs of ridiculousness as much as you enjoy reading them. I do. But the thing is, I need to separate Single Steve from Real Life Steve, if that make sense. Stay with me on this: Single Steve and Real Life Steve are the same person, but Real Life Steve can no longer be associated with Single Steve. It’s like that time you were hooking up with that fat chick, you would pretend not to know her in public in front of all your friends, but as soon as you got drunk and no one was around, you couldn’t wait to make love to one of her folds. It’s like that.

I mean, it’s not that I’m embarrassed of anything Single Steve does, or Single Steve does anything illegal, it’s just that, well let’s be honest, sometimes Single Steve can be kind of a jerk. Sometimes Single Steve likes to go out and drink until he wakes up with carne asada in his pockets, sometimes he likes to not hook up with girls from online dating, and sometimes to make himself feel better, he makes fun of losers on Craig’s List. Sometimes.

And then there’s this Real Life Steve, who has a great engineering job, is in school for his MBA, coaches a Special Olympics basketball team, is a big brother for big brother big sisters, is president of a 30k a year non profit organization here in San Diego, and a bunch of other yada yada’s. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but this Real Life Steve sounds like he’s got some good ish going.

So my goal is to disassociate this jackass Single Steve with Real Life Steve. When you do a google search on Real Life Steve, I want it to return responsible adult stuff, not about the time I punted my camera into the ocean in drunken excitement. And likewise when you google search for “online dating sucks single humor big wang” I want it to return everything ever written by Single Steve.

I’ve been having more and more of these occurrences where I realize there is a need for a separation of these two. An example:

I was in the work cafeteria checking out what they had going on for food that day, I saw they had corned beef. I saw a co-worker in line, actually I guess I don’t need to mention that she was a co-worker since we were at the work cafeteria, but I digress, I did my analysis of the corned beef situation and thought it was a little too Irish (yeah I’m a racist) for me. So I casually mention to my friend who’s in line to get some of this delicious Irish treat, “umm Looks a little sketchy, I think I’m going to pass.” Her response? “What!? You woke up with carne asada in your pockets, and you won’t even try corned beef!?” . Really!? At this point I’m trying play it off, be Mr. Cool Pants,  like I have no idea what she’s talking about in such a LOUD tone at the WORK cafeteria, in case one of the bobs from management might of heard her comments. “psssh, who me? Carne asada in or around my pockets? That’s ridiculous”. Really Shannon Connell (yeah I’m calling her out)!? You’re going to hold the fact that I may or may not have woken up with chunks of meat in my pocket over my head because I don’t want to eat corned beef!? I mean, granted, Shannon and I are both peons at this company and it doesn’t really matter if she knows that Single Steve is actually Real Life Steve. But I would hate to be in a meeting with “The Bobs” from upper management and I just suggested this awesome engineering idea to them, but then they come back with “aren’t you that guy that got kicked out of Moondoggies for pee-ing dos equis 12 feet into the air, onto the bathroom wall? (that blogs to come, get excited)”. So yeah, I need to separate Real Life Steve from Single Steve.

This is actually a great thing for you, the readers. Since Single Steve is not associated with Real Life Steve, I won’t be as timid or hold back some of my funny jerkness. Subjects won’t be as taboo, I can write unrestricted not having to worry about whether or not Real Life Steve is losing street cred.

But you’re thinking, “I already know Real Life Steven, how can I not associated him with Single Steve?”. You’re an idiot. There I said it. I mean, good question. For a selected few, you will get the benefit of knowing both Steve’s. Just try not to F him over by announcing to everyone in the work cafeteria that he may or may not have tried to hook up with a run away homeless girl. Let’s just keep that between you and me.

I’m going to stop posting links (I think?) on my facebook for new blogs, so it’s now up to you jerks to check back frequently. You can do what other cyber nerds do and subscribe to the RSS feed, or this email thing.

ALSO, let’s be honest. I’m not doing this blog for any type of monetary gain. I’m doing this blog because I like writing funny ish and I like knowing that someone somewhere is laughing at something I’ve written. So tell your friends about this funny thing you read once on this guys website, and point them in this direction. I’ve seen facebook statuses, re-post on other people’s blog sites, yell it in a crowded room, I don’t care what it is, just tell your friends. I’m going to make a new page for the “My people” basically my way of high lighting readers who promote the blog. It’s your chance to get photoshopped with me on the moon, or might just make fun of you. Either way your face is going to be on a website, which is check by over 4 people a day, so it’s kind of a big deal.

Also if you have any friends with low self esteem who like hilarious Mexican engineers, send them my way. I’m just kidding. But seriously, if you know any girls like that, please let me know. Steve@singlesteve.com

I have a few blogs, I’m going to be posting soon. Just wanted to get the dust settled after I posted all of the old blogs. Thanks for reading!

You’ll probably want to read this blog first, so this blog makes more sense.

Updates!!! As you can imagine and I’m sure you were hoping (dicks), online dating is going AMAZING!!! Oh wait, did I say amazing, I meant please kill me it’s probably going worst than it ever was before.
Per suggestion of you wonderful people, I made an account with www.okcupid.com, it’s a pretty cool free dating website. I took some feedback of everyone and made my profile super duper awesome. Right? Maybe not.
I’ve optimistically had my profile up for about a month a half, I’ve “woo-ed” some people, which is like poking on facebook or winking on match.com. I’ve even sent out a few messages. But no dice. I think in the month and half, I’ve sent out about 40 woo-s, which a return rate of 2. BOTH of two were friends that I ran into on this website, so I don’t think they count…. And I have not once gotten an initial message from a girl, only response messages.  Eh, I don’t care too much about it. THE INTERESTING part is the fake profile I made up about five days ago. Let me introduce you to San Diego Sam:

Within the FIVE F-ING DAYS of making a profile, he has gotten several emails, several woos, and several IM’s. It’s actually REAL fucking annoying when I’m editing this fake douche bags profile, I’ll get IM’s from random hood rats hollering at him. I’m not jealous, it’s actually what I kind of expected. The response is just much greater than I was expecting so soon.

So I thought I would get serious with it and move my game up to match.com. So, like a chump, I am now paying 20 some odd dollars a month to continue the embarrassing process. At first when I was doing my searches I was really selective. Only searching based on certain ages, heights, eye colors, etc.  I would do my search, read all the profiles in depth, if I thought her and I were a suitable match, I would wink, maybe even send them a email. I was noticing a really low return rate of emails and winks, a rate of about zero point zero percent. No worries. No need to freak, I thought I was just being to picky, too selective. So I widen my search criteria, bigger age range, various heights, weights, eye colors, yada yada. Still not getting such a great response, until finally, as it stands now. If you live within 30 miles of San Diego and are between the ages of 18 and 30, there’s a 94 percent chance I’ve winked at you.
I now search for everyone on planet earth.

I don’t even read profiles anymore! I mean what’s the use, why would I spend 5-10 minutes reading and analyzing a persons profile, wondering how awesome we could be together, when there’s a 3 percent chance she’ll even respond back. It’s a numbers game now. I figure if I wink/message the greater San Diego, someone out there has to slip up and respond back. I’m not as negative as I seem, but I’m not optimistic about finding anyone online either. Eh. Well see….

You’re too awesome to date….
Have you ever been told this? I have. It’s not as awesome as you would think.
Back story:
Meet this person through a friend of a friends. She’s fantastic. Pretty, witty, smart, sarcastic, yada yada. We’ve hung out a few times, nothing date like, but we always have had a blast together. She’s the type of person where you don’t know if you want to kiss her or stab her, it’s great. Not that we have kissed, or gotten anywhere close, I’m just saying. That’s the kind of interaction I want with my future “mate”, where her wit, humor and sarcasm are keeping me on my feet. It’s keeps life interesting. Ya know. ANYWAYS. So at some point I proposed the question…. “so am I going down the BFF path or the someone you might potential date at some point in your life path?” Literally. Verbatim. The response was BFF path (SWING AND A MISS!!) Which I’m completely fine with and almost expected. I think her and I have a great interaction, and will be these fantastic friends.

It came up through later conversations that she thought “I was too awesome to date”. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!? WHAT does that even mean? Too awesome? Is there such a thing?
Is this more girl code for something? I’ve never heard this one before. I’ve done some decoding of girl speak before:

But never have I ever heard of someone being “too awesome”. Can someone decode this for me? What does she actually mean?
I mean sure, there’s a chance I actually am awesome. But can one be “too awesome to date”. Maybe I should tone down my awesomeness?

Next blog is going to be pure Craig’s List funny. Look for that soon.
Why don’t you jerks comment anymore?

*****
I know it sounds like I’m negative nancy pants about life, but I’m really not. Real life goes great. Work, School, Social and Community ish are all going FANTASTICALLY. Now if I could just…..

A while ago, I asked you, the blog reader to help me make a critical decision in my life. How should I go about finding dates.

The results are in, the votes have been tallied and it’s official. You fail.You, the blog readers, are completely worthless when it comes to helping me decide critical decisions in my life. I mean you guys are great, and I appreciate you reading this blog and yada yada yada, but if you ever took a multiple choice test there a 95 percent chance you would fail. I’m just saying. Alright, fine. Thanks for voting it really means a lot to me, blah blah blah. But look esse when life gives you an A or B or C option, you can’t f-ing pick option “A, B and C” or “join the navy” or option “Singles Ad in the back of the newspaper”, to name a few of the response.

But actually though I only gave you options to pick eharmony, match or real life, I appreciate the alternative solutions. Below are the results:

As you can tell there were a slew of different options. With real life, match.com and eharmony topping the list.

*math side note – I did an ANOVA analysis on the data and since the sample size was not big enough, it can not be determined that any option is more statistically significant than the other. The F statistic was outside of the bounds of Fcritical. SO BASICALLY that means, no option can picked with over a 95 percent confidence as the most dominate answer. (If you know what this means, I’m sorry)

I’ll go through a few of the your possible options as to determine its value to my dating life.

I think I’ve already done an extensive analysis of match.com and eharmony.com. But both have proven to be worthless, but ironically expensive.

So here’s what I’m thinking, I looked at the website okcupid.com and it doesn’t seem half bad. I think this is going to be my starting point of my online embarrassing journey. This website seems to be a free version of match.com, but then that leads into the question:
Are the girls on a free dating website as good of quality of those on a paid website?

Just because girls don’t want to throw down 19.99 a month to online date, does that mean they wont be as good as the girls that don’t pay anything. Hmmmm. What are your thoughts on this? Is the 19.99 a month fee really a filter between good girls and great girls?

Well I’m going to do okcupid.com as a practice profile before I jump into the big leagues of match.com.

I’ve also decided I’m going to do a alternate profile to expose online dating for all it’s awesomeness. I’m going to make a profile of a good looking uneducated unemployed loser, and see how his profile goes vs mine. I’m SOOO excited and you should be too. Is that to cruel to girls who might actually be attempting to date this guy? I don’t think so. YES! Yeah, how creepy am I. Shut your face, you’re going to love it. This will be the ONLINE DATING CHALLNEGE! Who will get more profile views, more messages, more poon? Me or a fake profile I make up! Only time will tell. You would think I have nothing better to do with my time, but I’m actually the worlds busiest man.

You should hear me cackling like mad scientist in excitement to see how this turns out.
Leave some comments, or I’ll make the fake profile with your picture.

Also. Tell your friends (AKA attractive girls that like funny Mexicans) about this blog. It’s the least you can do. Well actually the least you can do is nothing, but don’t be a jerk. Seriously.