Posts Tagged San Diego
Okcupid.com Date: FAIL
Posted by Single Steve in humor on January 29, 2010
Let me just start off by saying, I’m terrible internet human being. Absolutely terrible, probably the worst.
NOW, with that being said, it’s time for me to be a jerk, so sit back and let me tell you about an absolutely terrible date I went on a week ago from the free online dating website okcupid. Well, it wasn’t terrible terrible, but I guess I was just more optimistic about my first date (with a human being) in 6 months. I guess that’s my fault.
So lets set the scene, me, habitual pathetic online dater, I’ve almost completely saturated the girls of okcupid.com. And by saturate I don’t mean I’ve dated every girl on okcupid.com and it’s time for me to move on. By saturate I mean I’ve gone one 1 date, but I’ve probably sent emails to every girl aged between 22 and 30, who I thought was attractive, that lives in a 30 mile radius of San Diego. No it wasn’t all at once, creep, it was over the course of time. Thankfully for me, okcupid lets me know I’ve already sent an email out to said girl, and when I sent it. And once you send an email and don’t get a response, you probably shouldn’t send another opening email. Or maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong? Maybe I need to send 13 emails to a girl before she responds
Anyways, a girl, a human girl, actually responded back to my email! I know right. Making me one for 437. Not bad. I’ve always been told it was a numbers game. Girl and I email back and forth a couple times, and it was decided we were going to go out on a “date”. GULP. My first date date in 6 months, kind of a big deal.
So about the girl, here’s her stats…..
Right? So nothing to be concerned about, just your average girl. Game on.
She seemed interesting and funny via email, but we all know typed words can be deceiving. Like apparently my blogs make me sounds like a funny white guy, yeah, like that.
What did she look like you ask!?
Physically she was um…pretty? Well if you average all of her photos together, she was pretty. What do you mean average all of her photos together you ask? Well shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you what I mean. I mean, good question. I MEEEEEEAN, on okcupid you can post multiple photos of yourself. Said girl had 5 photos. That’s 5 opportunities for me to decide my physical attractiveness to her before our date. That’s IF her photos had all been from the same time frame.
Her 5th photo was the most attractive, but I feel like that was also the LEAST recent. The 4th was the next best and so on, until you get to her main profile picture (1st photo), which looks almost like a completely different person from her 5th photo.
Yeah, I’m a terrible. Oh well. And it’s not like I haven’t put on weight since the 8th grade either, but I’m not going to post up a picture from then, trying to pass off like I still might be at my 8th grade weight. All of my pictures are current and look like me. Except this one.
So knowing that mostly likely she was probably going to be looking more like picture 1, then picture 5, I still decided to go out on the date. HEY! I know what you’re thinking “You shallow son of bitch”, fuck your couch. I’m not as shallow as you think, BUT I think we’d all be lying if we said that physical attractiveness wasn’t important. You have to be physically attracted to the person, at least initially. No girl ever looks across the bar and says ‘Oh my god, that guy looks really fucking ha-larious, I’m going to grind on him”. No girl EVER does that. It’s more like “Oh my god, that guy has massive pecks and a sweet Ed Hardy shirt, I’m going to go grind on him”
I have to light myself on fire and start break dancing, just to get girls to notice me at bars.
But I digress, so after averaging all her pictures together I decided I was attracted enough to go out on a date with her. I mean I haven’t been on a date in Fooooooreeeeeevaaaaar (Sand Lot style), and I thought why the F not. Who knows maybe she’ll be twice as awesome in person?
The Date
The date…..so I suggested dinner and drinks, she seemed excited about the idea. So I’ve got this cliché date I always do, always. I’ve used this same date sequence on probably and literally 10 girls since being in San Diego. Some of them were date dates, some of them were just friends I was trying to make out with. So what’s the date. The date always starts off at the same nice quant Italian restaurant a few blocks from me (in Hillcrest), they have an awesome, and a very intimate atmosphere. After we have a good meal, and a bottle wine, I then I suggest we walk ½ a block down the street to Wine Steals. Wine Steals is a great place to continue the drinking and the conversation, while emphasizing my “grown-up-ness”. As opposed to suggesting after dinner we go down to Dirty Birds in PB and shotgun beers. ALTHOUGH I wouldn’t be opposed to dating a girl that did that, I just don’t feel like that’s a first date move.
Yeah that’s my date move, and that’s how it supposed to work, at least in my head. It never works as planned, I usually blow it about wine steals, which is about the time I start smelling her hair when she’s not looking. I have to stop doing that.
If you’re reading this blog and thinking “Oh shit!? Steven and I went to that Italian place for dinner, and then he suggested we go to Wine Steals afterwards, but we’re jut friends, he wasn’t trying to bang me…… Right?” Wrong. Well I probably wasn’t trying to bang you, but I was at least trying to make out with you. Sorry, I’m not sorry.
And for future girls, that I casually suggest we go to this really good Italian restaurant near my house, it’s actually code for “I’m going to buy you dinner and drinks on the 5 percent change you want to make out with me”. So now you know.
Anyways, focus, THIS was the date plan.
I get to her apartment, give her call, and she said she’ll be right down. Now the time between when she hangs up and she actually gets down stairs is probably the most nervous 4 minutes of the date for me. I frantically, do a last minute breathe and teeth check, I start smashing all the AC buttons to make sure the car is at a comfortable air temperature, and then I nervously flip through the radio stations to find a “cool” song.
She opens the doors, and immediately I notice this is NOT the girl from photo 5, nor photo 4, nor 3, nor 2, nor 1. It’s worst than we feared….much worse……the girl from photo negative 2 showed up (I’m a terrible human being, I know). I’m a little rattled as she starts approaching the car (literally, think Jurassic Park…), but I’m an extremely optimistic person, I thinking I’m going to make the most of this date and maybe well just have a super duper awesome time. Maybe.
(NO I’m not going to show you photos of her, that would just be mean. Although I have shown photos of her to just about everyone I’ve told this story to in real life, so meet up with me in “real life” if you’d like to see pictures that accompany this story.)
(AND for the record, I like girls with a little meat on them. I don’t like really skinny girls, I feel like I’m going to break them, or eat them, it’s just not normal. I like girls that would be considered average to bigger than average, for the record. BUT she was bigger than even I would find attractive)
She gets into the car and she smells of sweet sweet perfume and there was something else, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she definitely smelt of something much different that perfume. I figured it out, but not, till much later….
We make our way to the Italian place, order food, order wine, have an average conversation. Nothing spectacular, nothing terrible. I’m a talker, I can make it work regardless of how little she talked. After dinner I proceed to start progressing towards step 2, suggest we go get a drink at a really classy wine bar about half a block away, she fires back with we should go to Aerobar. Aerobar!? I’ve never been, but I always see it off the freeway on the sketchy frontage road. Going along with her suggestion, we head out to Aerobar.
We get to Aerobar, and it’s exactly what I would expect it to look like. Small, narrow, one bar with some pool tables in the back. The bar is packed, all local older San Diegian type of crowd. We sit down at the bar and order a drink. What she FORGOT to mention is that this place is basically her Cheers. Awesome. I mean I love meeting new people and being social, and I’m really good at it. But she is constantly telling me to wait right here, she’ll be back, and runs off to chat with a group across the bar, it’s starts getting old reeeeeeal quick. I didn’t come to Aerobar to sit by myself, and watch a 40 something couple make out 3 feet away from me like the Titanic was going down. I didn’t. She finally has a seat and we start talking again when she gets interrupted by her phone ringing. She opens up her purse to grab her phone, and what did my little eyes spy that ended any hope of a second date??
Cigarettes. Really? Cigarettes? Who still smokes? It’s the year two thousand fucking ten.
Also she was talking about running a half marathon this year. Um, step one, stop fucking SMOKING. I know I might be over reacting, you’re thinking it was just a pack of cigarettes Steven you don’t even know if they were hers, or how often she smokes. Shut up, this is my blog, I can over react anyway I want. But THEN it clicked. When she got into the car she smelt like sweet sweet perfume and terrible terrible cigarette smoke. FAIL. This is a deal breaker. I will NOT date someone that’s smokes. I did date a girl that smoked only when she drank, and I hated it. She smelt like smoke, tasted like smoke and made me smell like smoke.
Pretty much I stopped listening. No physical attraction, no mental attraction AND she smokes. Fail. Date could not end quick enough. We get back to her house, I drop her off, no hug, no kiss, just a “Well, see ya later”.
As soon as I got home, I immediately logged onto okcupid, to check her profile to see if she said she smokes….as you can check above, I guess she did say she smokes. FUCK. I guess I was just so excited to get a response message from someone I didn’t do my usually background, profile creep sweep before hand. Smoking was just the straw that broke the camels back, not the only thing that helped me make my decision for no second date. F! I really wanted the date to go well. Well I really want any date to go well.
I hope it’s not another 6 months before my next date. . . I like dates, I like having dates, I like having someone to enjoy this adventure of life with me (not to get all emo on you). But seriously, I’m too awesome, and do awesome things which require a partner in crime. I’m tried of being my friend’s 3rd, 5th, and 7th wheel on their date nights. Oh they say they’re not date nights, but they’re date nights.
So what am I looking for you ask??? I’m glad you asked. I actually have been building a list of requirements for my next girlfriend. Yes, requirements, I’m an engineer, what do you fucking want from me. Basically, I tweet periodically with the hash tag #RFMNGF which is Requirements For My Next GirlFriend. When ever an idea or thought pops into my head about something I would like my next girlfriend to have or do, I tweet about it.
I’ve started the page here:
RFMNGF
Those are my requirements, let me know if you meet those, or know someone that does. That list is growing daily
I’ll mention quickly on the way out of this blog…..
I may or may not have a “date” with this girl next week:The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single
She’s single, blogs, funny, Hispanic and lives in San Diego!? Sounds like my internet twin. I suggest you become a fan, read her blogs, and give me some tips and advice on how to prepare.
I’ll keep you posted. Also big thanks to Shawn from Ragaboo.com, he was critical in helping me draft the perfect facebook message to her. Check out his blog, it’s most hilarious!
I live for comments. I’m kind of a whore like that.
Invite your friends to blog. I bet they’ll like it.
<!–[if !mso]> <! st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } –>
Let me just start off by saying, I’m terrible internet human being. Absolutely terrible, probably the worst.
NOW, with that being said, it’s time for me to be a jerk, so sit back and let me tell you about an absolutely terrible date I went on a week ago from the free online dating website okcupid. Well, it wasn’t terrible terrible, but I guess I was just more optimistic about my first date (with a human being) in 6 months. I guess that’s my fault.
So lets set the scene, me, habitual pathetic online dater, I’ve almost completely saturated the girls of okcupid.com. And by saturate I don’t mean I’ve dater every girl on okcupid.com and it’s time for me to move on. By saturate I mean I’ve gone one 1 date, but I’ve probably sent emails to every girl aged between 22 and 30, who I thought was attractive, that lives in a 30 mile radius of San Diego. No it wasn’t all at once, creep, it was over the course of time. Thankfully for me, okcupid lets me know I’ve already sent an email out to said girl, and when I sent it. And once you send an email and don’t get a response, you probably shouldn’t send another opening email. Or maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong? Maybe I need to send 13 emails to a girl before she responds.
Anyways, a girl, a human girl, actually responded back to my email! I know right. Making me one for 437. Not bad. I’ve always been told it was a numbers game. Girl and I email back and forth a couple times, and it was decided we were going to go out on a “date”. GULP. My first date date in 6 months, kind of a big deal.
So about the girl, here’s her stats…..
Right? So nothing to be concerned about, just your average girl. Game on.
She seemed interesting and funny via email, but we all know typed words can be deceiving. Like apparently my blogs make me sounds like a funny white guy, yeah, like that.
What did she look like you ask!?
Physically she was um…pretty? Well if you average all of her photos together, she was pretty. What do you mean average all of her photos together you ask? Well shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you what I mean. I mean, good question. I MEEEEEEAN, on okcupid you can post multiple photos of yourself. Said girl had 5 photos. That’s 5 opportunities for me to decide my physical attractiveness to her before our date. That’s IF her photos had all been from the same time frame.
Her 5th photo was the most attractive, but I feel like that was also the LEAST recent. The 4th was the next best and so on, until you get to her main profile picture (1st photo), which looks almost like a completely different person from her 5th photo.
Yeah, I’m a terrible. Oh well. And it’s not like I haven’t put on weight since the 8th grade either, but I’m not going to post up a picture from then, trying to pass off like I still might be at my 8th grade weight. All of my pictures current and look like me. Except this one.
So knowing that mostly likely she was probably going to be looking more like picture 1, then picture 5, I still decided to go out on the date. HEY! I know what you’re thinking “You shallow son of bitch”, fuck your couch. I’m not as shallow as you think, BUT I think we’d all be lying if we said that physical attractiveness wasn’t important. You have to be physically attracted to the person, at least initially. No girl ever looks across the bar and says ‘Oh my god, that guy looks really fucking ha-larious, I’m going to grind on him”. No girl EVER does that. It’s more like “Oh my god, that guy has massive pecks and a sweet Ed Hardy shirt, I’m going to go grind on him”
I have to light myself on fire and start break dancing, just to get girls to notice me at bars.
But I digress, so after averaging all her pictures together I decided I was attracted enough to go out on a date with her. I mean I haven’t been on a date in Fooooooreeeeeevaaaaar (Sand Lot style), and I thought why the F not. Who knows maybe she’ll be twice as awesome in person?
The Date
The date…..so I suggested dinner and drinks, she seemed excited about the idea. So I’ve got this cliché date I always do, always. I’ve used this same date sequence on probably and literally 10 girls since being in San Diego. Some of them were date dates, some of them were just friends I was trying to make out with. So what’s the date. The date always starts off at the same nice quant Italian restaurant a few blocks from me (in Hillcrest), they have an awesome, and a very intimate atmosphere. After we have a good meal, and a bottle wine, I then I suggest we walk ½ a block down the street to Wine Steals. Wine Steals is a great place to continue the drinking and the conversation, while emphasizing my “grown-up-ness”. As opposed to suggesting after dinner we go down to Dirty Birds in PB and shotgun beers. ALTHOUGH I wouldn’t be opposed to dating a girl that did that, I just don’t feel like that’s a first date move.
Yeah that’s my date move, and that’s how it supposed to work, at least in my head. It never works as planned, I usually blow it about wine steals, which is about the time I start smelling her hair when she’s not looking. I have to stop doing that.
If you’re reading this blog and thinking “Oh shit!? Steven and I went to that Italian place for dinner, and then he suggested we go to Wine Steals afterwards, but we’re jut friends, he wasn’t trying to bang me…… Right?” Wrong. Well I probably wasn’t trying to bang you, but I was at least trying to make out with you. Sorry, I’m not sorry.
And for future girls, that I casually suggest we go to this really good Italian restaurant near my house, it’s actually code for “I’m going to buy you dinner and drinks on the 5 percent change you want to make out with me”. So now you know.
Anyways, focus, THIS was the date plan.
I get to her apartment, give her call, and she said she’ll be right down. Now the time between when she hangs up and she actually gets down stairs is probably the most nervous 4 minutes of the date for me. I frantically, do a last minute breathe and teeth check, I start smashing all the AC buttons to make sure the car is at a comfortable air temperature, and then I nervously flip through the radio stations to find a “cool” song.
She opens the doors, and immediately I notice this is NOT the girl from photo 5, nor photo 4, nor 3, nor 2, nor 1. It’s worst than we feared….much worse……the girl from photo negative 2 showed up (I’m a terrible human being, I know). I’m a little rattled as she starts approaching the car (literally, think Jurassic Park…), but I’m an extremely optimistic person, I thinking I’m going to make the most of this date and maybe well just have a super duper awesome time. Maybe.
(NO I’m not going to show you photos of her, that would just be mean. Although I have shown photos of her to just about everyone I’ve told this story to in real life, so meet up with me in “real life” if you’d like to see pictures that accompany this story.)
(AND for the record, I like girls with a little meat on them. I don’t like really skinny girls, I feel like I’m going to break them, or eat them, it’s just not normal. I like girls that would be considered average to bigger than average, for the record. BUT she was bigger than even I would find attractive)
She gets into the car and she smells of sweet sweet perfume and there was something else, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she definitely smelt of something much different that perfume. I figured it out, but not, till much later….
We make our way to the Italian place, order food, order wine, have an average conversation. Nothing spectacular, nothing terrible. I’m a talker, I can make it work regardless of how little she talked. After dinner I proceed to start progressing towards step 2, suggest we go get a drink at a really classy wine bar about half a block away, she fires back with we should go to Aerobar. Aerobar!? I’ve never been, but I always see it off the freeway on the sketchy frontage road. Going along with her suggestion, we head out to Aerobar.
We get to Aerobar, and it’s exactly what I would expect it to look like. Small, narrow, one bar with some pool tables in the back. The bar is packed, all local older San Diegian type of crowd. We sit down at the bar and order a drink. What she FORGOT to mention is that this place is basically her Cheers. Awesome. I mean I love meeting new people and being social, and I’m really good at it. But she is constantly telling me to wait right here, she’ll be back, and runs off to chat with a group across the bar, it’s starts getting old reeeeeeal quick. I didn’t come to Aerobar to sit by myself, and watch a 40 something couple make out 3 feet away from me like the Titanic was going down. I didn’t. She finally has a seat and we start talking again when she gets interrupted by her phone ringing. She opens up her purse to grab her phone, and what did my little eyes spy that ended any hope of a second date??
Cigarettes. Really? Cigarettes? Who still smokes? It’s the year two thousand fucking ten.
Also she was talking about running a half marathon this year. Um, step one, stop fucking SMOKING. I know I might be over reacting, you’re thinking it was just a pack of cigarettes Steven you don’t even know if they were hers, or how often she smokes. Shut up, this is my blog, I can over react anyway I want. But THEN it clicked. When she got into the car she smelt like sweet sweet perfume and terrible terrible cigarette smoke. FAIL. This is a deal breaker. I will NOT date someone that’s smokes. I did date a girl that smoked only when she drank, and I hated it. She smelt like smoke, tasted like smoke and made me smell like smoke.
Pretty much I stopped listening. No physical attraction, no mental attraction AND she smokes. Fail. Date could not end quick enough. We get back to her house, I drop her off, no hug, no kiss, just a “Well, see ya later”.
As soon as I got home, I immediately logged onto okcupid, to check her profile to see if she said she smokes….as you can check above, I guess she did say she smokes. FUCK. I guess I was just so excited to get a response message from someone I didn’t do my usually background, profile creep sweep before hand. Smoking was just the straw that broke the camels back, not the only thing that helped me make my decision for no second date. F! I really wanted the date to go well. Well I really want any date to go well.
I hope it’s not another 6 months before my next date. . . I like dates, I like having dates, I like having someone to enjoy this adventure of life with me (not to get all emo on you). But seriously, I’m too awesome, and do awesome things which require a partner in crime. I’m tried of being my friend’s 3rd, 5th, and 7th wheel on their date nights. Oh they say they’re not date nights, but they’re date nights.
So what am I looking for you ask??? I’m glad you asked. I actually have been building a list of requirements for my next girlfriend. Yes, requirements, I’m an engineer, what do you fucking want from me. Basically, I tweet periodically with the hash tag #RFMNGF which is Requirements For My Next GirlFriend. When ever an idea or thought pops into my head about something I would like my next girlfriend to have or do, I tweet about it.
I’ve started the page here:
RFMNGF
Those are my requirements, let me know if you meet those, or know someone that does. That list is growing daily
I’ll mention quickly on the way out of this blog…..
I may or may not have a “date” with this girl next week:
The Dating Chronicles of a San Diego Single
I’ll keep you posted. Also big thanks to Shawn from Ragoboo.com, he was critical in helping me draft the perfect facebook message to her. Check out his blog, it’s most hilarious!
Halloween, you're still a hoe.
Catching up.
Halloween has come and gone, and people have been begging me to update my happenings since. Well that’s not true, no one actually asked me anything, but I’m going to fucking tell you anyways. Sorry, I know, no need to swear.
My Halloween actually wasn’t all to wild and crazy kids. I was in Washington DC for work, at an engineering conference where I was the “grown up”. I know right. Me, the “grown up”. I gave some workshops, did some company recruiting, did some binge drinking, a good time had by all.
Actually here’s a secret between you and me, I had to a give a workshop to about 40 student engineers one day of the conference at 3:45 in the afternoon, apparently I went out a little too big the night before because I still hung over and felt like death. No worries, I totally rocked the presentation, but ran to bathroom and puked 2.5 seconds after it ended. Yeah, I’m an adult. Public speaking is my specialty, probably my best skill, regardless of what state my liver is in. And that’s a fact.
My Halloween was interesting…moral of the story is I walked back to my hotel 2 miles in the rain at 5:00am in a short sleeve shirt, in the city where I had no idea where I was going. I was navigating on the rising sun back to my hotel. Unfortunately the story isn’t as awesome as your hoping. I wasn’t doing the walk of shame because I just hooked up with major babes, nope. I was walking back to my hotel at 5:00am because that was a better option than waking up on a strangers couch dressed as Space Ghost. I walked into my hotel where students were gathering in the lobby to catch their shuttles for the airport. They were probably wondering why the guy that interviewed them yesterday was stumbling in at 6am, soaking wet in a short sleeve shirt. Me too. Me too….
I got back to San Diego and immediately saw a flood of Facebook albums bursting with Halloween photos. And me being the creep I am, of course went through all of them. I pulled out a few to make fun of, sorry if you know these people. Remember I’m “Single Steve”, just a internet personality, who’s kind of dick.
For your pleasure:
Halloween, don't be that girl
It’s about that time of year again, the weather’s getting colder, the leaves are beginning to change color and girls are deciding which kind of slutty animal they want to be for Halloween. This blog is written for my female readers, all 3 of them.
Actually before I get into my post, I want to take a ten second break and send a friendly reminder to all my readers of this blog:
The Most Important Single Steve blog You Will EVER Read. EVER.
Basically the cliff note’s of the blog is Real Life Steve is not an assshole, well, not all the time, and Single Steve is a complete asshole. So when you read this, don’t think of the funny, attractive, smart, strong, modest, sensitive, nice, modest guy you know in real life, instead, read this as just some guy on the interweb with a web page. I know we’ve had this talk before, but people seem to have brain damage and can’t separate the two. Basically I want to be as ha-larlious as possible, and that involves me being a super jerk, but I still hold back because I fear people will associate these words with real life me. I not saying everyone that reads this blog has brain damage, just like 85 percent of you guys. You know who you are. I’m surprised most of the people that come to my webpage even know how to read, but that’s why I include so many pictures, so you can still pretend you know what’s going on, but I digress…
Penis penis penis, vagina vagina vagina. See, just some random words, some dude on the internet says. I’m about to use the word slut about 1000 times, just a heads up.
Where was I? Oh yeah, sluts. Halloween sluts. Halloween is a great time of year, it’s interesting to think about the “fun” levels of Halloween as you progress through your life.
When you’re little, probably 5-10 years old, its fun and exciting to dress up like your favorite super hero or princess and go trick or treating house to house, so innocent and naive. Then in your high school years it becomes “uncool” to dress up anymore, everyone knew “that guy” that came dressed up in a mid evil costume on Halloween and got beat up.
Then fun levels really pick up at 18, when you’re away from parents at college, every costume now gets prefixed with the word “sexy”, which is actually just code for “I can be a hoe and you can’t say anything”.
When I say slut, in no way shape or form is that an insult or meant to be a degrading comment. In this context. Halloween makes it okay. It’s actually kind of a complement I would say. Somehow, magically I can walk up to a girl (probably one that I know since I don’t talk to ones I don’t know) and tell her, that her costume looks totally slutty and I won’t get uppercutted.
I’m not saying that I disagree, am offended or discourage the way ladies dress on Halloween. NOT AT ALL. I actually encourage this type of wardrobe. I’m just stating the way things are.
Now you’re probably saying “But Steven I don’t dress like a slut on Halloween, is there something wrong with me??” No, no there isn’t. Well maybe, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But it’s okay to not dress like a complete whore on Halloween. Really it is. You can dress “normal”, maybe a funny or clever costume, good for you. I’m not mad at it. BUT what I ask is don’t be that girl that dresses in the costume that scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to walk into the bar and be scared because I think there’s actually a zombie at the bar. That’s really cool you spent 2 hours making it look like your bleeding from the face! Especially considering were at a classy place like Cabo Catina where I just peed into a trough. I just want to drink, and be merry. At no time on my Halloween night do I want to wipe puss from your face off my costume because you walked by me. That’s a fact.
Halloween isn’t about being scared, it’s about getting drunk and trying not to embarrass yourself while dressed like an idiot. Anyone knows that. It’s science.
This blog was actually going to be about what kind of guy you would attract based on what slutty costume you dressed as, but I kind of got derailed, but I’ll throw a few in here at the end.
Cutting it short, passed my bed time. Maybe I’ll finish making fun of everyone’s costumes later this week.
What are you going to be for Halloween? Let me know so I can make fun of it.
I’ll be in Washington DC next week for work stuffs, anyone in DC that wants to celebrate like it’s our job on Halloween, let me know! Don’t know what I’m going to be yet, something I can pack in my suit case. Maybe a ghost? A sexy ghost? Well see.
One more thing, since you’re not paying or sleeping with me to continue to write these blogs the least you can do is invite you friends to join the facebook page. It’s the least you could.
Also starting a new thing, where I reverse stalk some random I don’t know who’s following the page. I mean they’re basically stalking me, they least I could do is photoshop them in some awkward situation. That’s why I need more random’s, as to not offend my “real friends”
Happy Halloween
Facebook will become self aware on August 29th, 2011
The journey continues, Captain’s Log:
9683 consecutive days of being alive. Yeah, that’s right, in a row.
Not to be dramatic, but that’s getting pretty old. I can remember the days when I was just a day or two over 8000. Those were the days… I was a senior in college (year one of two), just getting exposed to the classy bar scene of Tucson (Buffet and the Nugget), living in a frat house (SICK braah), making out with B minus chicks, yep, not a worry in the whole wide world. I definitely wasn’t worried about getting married and popping out some kids. I’m still not worried. I’ve just been noticing it’s about that time.
And by it’s about that time, I mean Facebook is secretly trying to run my life.
That sneaky SOB. I was making some edits to my profile this morning, when I saw something that caught my eye and made me do a double take of screen. Usually my eyes glaze over the ad’s on the side of the right hand screen, useless garbage and nonsense. No I don’t want to fucking join Mafia Wars, no I don’t want to go to an online beauty college, blah blah blah…..but what did I see this time when I loaded my profile page you ask that caught my attention? It was the triple threat of single ads. First of all, fuck you Facebook, you don’t know anything about me. Secondly, really!? Do I need 3 ads to tell me how not to talk to girls?
Maybe I should date Christian girls, apparently they’re busty.
I’m used to one or two ads about single girls, but 3 was a bit much. I thought it was fluke, so I hit the refresh button, thought there was no way I could hit the singles ad jackpot twice in a row, but BAM, 3 more hot generic spambot ladies for me to click on. It was like gambling, what are the chances that out all the ads on all of facebook, I would get 3 “desperately single!? Click Here!!” ads.
I tried it again, and got an ad for an MBA program, this is when I and realized Facebook does targeted advertising based on who you “are”. How could I of missed it. Facebook is smart, it’s learning. You know what other computer based application was smart and learned?? That’s right. Sky Net. Fuck it’s so obvious to me know, facebook is learning, adapting, telling you who you should be, what ads to pick, then BOOM, it builds an army of evil robots to destroy to earth.
Or not, but still, who is Facebook is to tell me who I am? Who does facebook think you are?
What 3 ads show up when you go to your profile page?
Are you desperately single? Are you destine to annoy all of your friends and join Mafia Wars? Should you go back to school in Idaho? No seriously, comment on the blog and let me know who facebook thinks you should be.
So besides the ads facebook screaming at me to get a spambot girlfriend, more recently in the past year I’ve seen more and more feeds like “I’m engaged!”, “I’m pregnant again!”, “Wedding was great!”, “My baby daddy just got out of jail!”, etc. Basically I’m saying my facebook feed is much different than when I was 21. Either I need to make more 21 year old friends, or just come to terms that I’ll now get facebook feeds in regards to my friend’s children turning 15.
Speaking of 21 year olds! I’ve got a funny story. Not haha funny, but more like ouch haha funny. Or it might not be funny at all, but fuck you, you’re not paying me to write this so it’s your fault.
So anyways, a few weekends ago, my buddy from college got married in Tucson, so I made the trip down to Arizona for the wedding. I RSVP-ed a “plus one” weeks before I knew who I was taking. So of course, 3 days before the wedding I’m still dateless because I’m awesome at find dates. I had recently broken up with the girlfriend so I had no “options” of people who I would ask to make the road trip down with me to Tucson, so I did a hail mary and sent a text to a “friend” in Tucson and asked if she would like to accompany me to the wedding. She was a mutual friend of the guy getting married, and her older brother was going to the wedding so I thought it wouldn’t be completely out of the blue if she attended with me. I don’t know if you noticed I used the word “friend” in quotes a few sentences ago to describe who she is, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking. So she’s actually the little sister of a friend of mine from college, and sure I “know” her and we’re facebook friends, but prior to the wedding I had probably spoken only about 20 sentences in face to face conversation, and of those 20 sentences, 16 were probably on a professional level. So why only 4 sentences spoken to her in a social setting you ask? Well one, she’s extremely attractive, I mean really really pretty, and I’m kind of intimidated by her? Which is weird because I can confidently give a presentation in front of 100s of people, but talking to one very beautiful girl, and I can’t seem to form a coherent sentence. Two, we didn’t really have the same social circles, well we might of, but I wouldn’t know because I graduated before she started college…..oh yeah, she’s only 21.
Now I’m 26, and I don’t think that’s a huge age difference, and it’s not like I was asking her to this wedding to be romantical, which even isn’t a word, I just thought we would have a good time. Which we did. Some of my friends here in SD made a big deal out of the fact I asked someone “so much younger”. But I think my friends are idiots. There I said it.
Anyways, I guess I was curious as to her take on the situation, but I wasn’t going to ask her “So do you think I’m too old to talking you?”
The funny moment occurred when we were at the reception just talking about weddings and marriage and the whole idea of it, she started a sentence with “I know you’re like way older than me…..”, at this point I stopped her, kind of did a comical pseudo freak out, she apologized and said that’s not what she meant. I know that’s not what she meant to say, but it’s funnier to be fake outraged at her comment. Like I said there was no intention of a romantic interest with me asking her to go with me to the wedding, but at this point I think I went from date to dad in 5.4 seconds. Ftw!
I know it’s not what she meant at all, but still funny hear. I had to coerce her into finishing her sentence, because I was genuinely curious as to where she was going with that. Basically the sentence ends with “but if I turn your age and I’m not married, I’m going to end up marrying the first douche bag that comes along”. Awesome. Apparently 26 is the freak out age for girls to start marrying the first jerk that comes along. Anyone know any 26 years old females?
So basically she was telling me I have 5 years to become douche bag, so you’re saying there’s a chance! Just kidding….Wedding was actually a lot of fun, good to see old faces (26 year olds), had a great time with ms. 21.
Questions, Comments,Concerns!?
Do the 3 ad challenge, who does facebook think you are?
Invite your friends to join the facebook page!
I'm Back!?
Posted by Single Steve in humor on October 9, 2009
I know I know. It’s been too long. Way too long (That’s what she said), but I’m back, and back with a fury.
Where did I go you ask? I was in a little place called Relation City, USA. Yep, it’s true, Single Steve actually had a girl friend. Shocked are you? Fuck your couch, its possible. It was a great relationship, absolutely nothing with her, she was actually quite awesome. Some people think I’m an idiot/jerk to break up with her when the relationship was going great. Maybe. Probably. I have no ill feelings and wish her the best of luck to her.
Blah blah blah, you jerks don’t care, be honest. You’re probably just thinking “Make me bicycle clown!” get back to be single, funny and ridiculous. Okay, okay, stop yelling. I’m right here. I’m back on schedule.
Step one is get back on online dating. Check. I logged onto my match.com account and was surprised to see I still had until November to embarrass myself. I forgot I “didn’t find love” in my first 6 months of my subscription, so Dr. Phil gave me another 6 free months of embarrassment. Hurray! I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free, but don’t worry that’s going pretty terrible too.
I actually was pretty excited I got an email saying I got a message on okcupid.com from a GIRL! I know right. A girl. So anyways, I could tell from my email that I had a message, but I couldn’t see what the message was or who the girl was.
So the whole day I was giddy like a little school girl with excitement. I almost never get messaged, so this was a pretty big deal. AND her name “LawLady85”, sounds kind of sexy right? Sounds like she’s about 24 years old and lawyer, awesome. Usually I get emails from names like “MomOfFive”, “MustLoveMy12Cats”, “ItsOkayIhaveAgreatPersonality”.
So I couldn’t check it because I was at work, so the whole day I was giddy with excitement thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead. I break into door, open up okcupid.com, furiously smash in my password and navigate to my messages. And there it was, there it was. A message, as promised, from LawLady85, who turns out to be a friend from college, fml. But Steven she could still want on right? Negative. Her message was basically, “write me a blog clown”. Nice. Thanks LawLady85……
But if any one is looking to date an attractive lawyer please see:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lawlady85
Tell her you saw her post on Craig’s List.
Match.com isn’t going much better. Below is an actual email I got a few days ago…
I leave you with some Craig List Losers:
Craigs List Shorty
I’m switching over to a facebook fan page. Join and Ill write more blogs. Promise.
Join here
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Single-Steve/147717841098?ref=ts
Leave comments, they make me feel justified in writing blogs
PB Millionaire, Part 2
Posted by Single Steve in humor on May 20, 2009
I’m back. With a fury. Sorry for the delay. That thing called real life got in the way. But you’ll be happy to know that real life goes great, not that anyone of you actually cares.
So where was I? That’s right. King of the douche bags. PB Millionaire. You might want to read this blog, as a refresher as to who this tool bag is. But in summary, basically this guy invented some crappy safety glasses, made some money, lives in a “castle” in north PB, throws parties where he pays “models” to hang out with him, is trying to start a reality show based on him and calls himself PB Millionaire.
www.pbmillionaire.com
UPDATE: He has now changed his website and branding to: www.pbreality.com A little different, but still just as terrible.
Take a second. Soak it in. I’ll give you a minute to browser around and check out all the fantasticness of his site. Let me know when your ready for my analysis of The PB Millionaire.
…..
…..
…..
…..
And go.
I forgot how angry this guy makes me. So I don’t know about you, but initially when I tried to load the page, it came back with some type of error because it’s trying to play music in some wacky format my browser didn’t understand. Awesome? I consider myself a pretty savvy interweb user, so I was initially confused when I couldn’t load this guy’s sweet default music on his main page. Maybe he is so advanced, he is coding his webpage in the future? I tried in Mozilla, nope. Safari, nope. Only when I loaded his page up in Internet Explorer 6.0 did I get to experience his awesomely annoying default music. I should have just loaded up netscape 2.0 to see if this page would load more effectively in that browser.
PB Millionaire
P.S. doesn’t he know how fucking annoying it is to go to a website and have music automatically start playing!? If I went to google.com and music started to play every single time, I would punt my computer into the face of the guy that’s responsible for that code. I’m just saying, it would be pretty fucking annoying. And I’m pretty sure HE DOES NOT own rights to that song to have it playing his website.
Also,I have a correction, I thought PB millionaire stood for Pacific Beach Millionaire, it turns out it actually stands for Philanthropist Bachelor Millionaire. I don’t know what philanthropy he actually does, but well get into that later.
So he’s 43, and lives in a castle? I haven’t wanted to live in a castle since I was 7. Were they out of all the grown up houses? But I digress. Focus.
We’re going to make this an interactive blog. I’m going to walk you through his webpage, breaking it down, page by page, picture by picture, inch by inch, analyzing and sharing my thoughts on the PB Millionaire.
Please navigate to the first section “PB Millionaire”
This is the “In His Own Words….” section….
Please navigate to the “Angels” Section……
I don’t even know where to begin with the “Photo Gallery” section. There is just so much, maybe I’ll make it a separate blog. But in summary, there is something SUPER creepy about the photos. It’s him and 15 girls. It’s fun once. Gets to be weird the next 3 times. Sure it’s every guys fantasy to go out with 15 girls, I guess? Normal people have both, guy and girl friends. I guess guy hookers are harder to find? I joke….
Onto the videos. I hate him. So much.
Just watching his videos makes me want to punch babies. This first video:
Set’s the tone, he does an introduction, talks about how it’s gotten to that point that he can’t do anything without a secretary….he has 4 secretary’s!? I don’t even think the governor has 4 secretaries.
One of my favorite parts of the video occurs 1:14 into it.
“I solve my problems with money. Here. Now go away.”
Cool!!
1:48 – Why is he asking her “What is the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?” WHAT!? I thought he was a philanthropist? Ohhh it’s for his sleezy millionaire girls calendar. Okay. That makes it okay to ask a girl half his age about the time she had sex on the hood of a car. Classy. Lucky for her, only 13 people have watched that video.
2:27 – “Who’s here to be in our calendar?” – PB Millionaire.
One girl, out of 10 raises her hand. Nice.
Video two:
[dailymotion id]
http://pbmillionaire.com/new_site/video_gallery.php?video_data=3&youtube=true
0:24 – “When you, ahhh, experience this, aaaah, technique I do, it pretty much makes your desires come true.” – PB Millionaire
I just vomited in my mouth. What the hell is he talking about!? What technique!?
I also found his secret youtube site!
Please enjoy these ridiculous awkward videos.
PB CASTLE- St. Patty Interview
0:04 – He is SOOOO awkward. Not even 4 seconds into the video and he has already made me feel uncomfortable. She asked you “Are you having fun yet!?” to which he responded with “Whaaaaat, what?”.
0:20 – Interupts himself off after he starts talking about how he “just works here”, with “soo how you doing?” She seems confused by his answers, and awkward questions.
0:55 – He turns into a jerk. And forgets how to interact with humans.
1:13 – “Wasn’t that a great interview” – PB Millionaire
PB CASTLE- St. Patty Interview 2
0:06 – At least you made it 6 seconds this time before you became completely weird. What the hell are you doing!? You’re throwing the host off. Please pay attention.
0:12 - “I just work here” – PB Millionaire
Oh my god. Please stop saying that. It’s not funny anymore.
0:22 – When smoker red head is asked about the party, her response is “we just got here”. What an interesting interview. This house is just filled with interesting people.
0:56 – After threatening how lucky the interviewer is to be there, he proclaims again “I just work here….”.I blame the interviewer for laughing the first time, letting him think it was okay to use that “joke” over and over an over.
Mostly the youtube videos are from the Super Bowl party. The interviews are done by a loud burnette named Parker, who seems to lack the ability to ask questions people understand. Here’s my favorite interview of the night:
Super Bowl Party Interview Luke
Acid is a hell of drug.
Finishing up strong on his website, on his charities page. It just seems like he typed in the word “Charity” into google and these were the top 4 that popped up. I mean these are great charities, but they just seem so generic to be his “passion” for giving back. For the record. It’s great that he gives money, and yada yada, but unless he is actually donating his time and doing something, I wouldn’t consider him a philanthropist. I do ten times more outreach/philanthropy than this guy. I’m not bragging, it’s just a fact. Nor am I trying to sell myself as this single philanthropist. Though I could….
Maybe I should buy www.PBAlmostMillionaire.com.
I leave you with this. An actually picture from our friend, the PB Millionaire.
PB Millionaire if you’re r reading this….let’s be friends?
How to get kicked out of Moondoggies
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 31, 2009
On any given Thursday night there’s a 75 percent chance you will find me at Moondoggies (AKA Dude-Doggies/Line-Doggies) in PB. This jumps greatly to about 90 percent if I don’t have to work on that Friday, which happens to occur every other Friday. The following is a true story that happened a few weeks ago on such a magical Thursday night.
How to get kicked out of Moondoggies
Night’s going well. I’m feeling good about it, I don’t have to work tomorrow, I’m 5,6,7, 12 beers deep, and I’m hanging out with the greatest group of friends. Living the dream.
Anyone that knows me, knows I have the bladder of a 12 year old girl. Fact. Not a big a deal, a lot of grown men have the bladders of infants. So what. So I just got a brand new Dos Equis for the low low price of 2 American dollars, when I realize it’s been about 7 minutes since I last peed, and I should probably go again. I patiently wait in line, fumbling with my phone, thinking it’s almost time to start the drunk dials. Finally, it’ my turn to pee, I walk up to the urinal and place my beer on top of the metal piping leading to the urinal. I’ve done this a million times, a million. For the record that metal piping is a great beer holder, and I’d rather place it there than on top of the porcelain urinal. So I’m doing my thing, like it’s my job, when I see my beer start to slip off the top of my pipe holding place. This is where time slows down, matrix style, and I use my ninja like reflexes to reach up with my left hand and grab the falling beer. I think I even yelled a slow motion “noooooooooooo”. I caught it! Hurray! Saved two dollars in beer. Unfortunately since it was a brand new beer, it shook up and did that volcano thing where it shoots out like you’re celebrating winning the championship. Except I didn’t win a championship, I just caught my beer. It made a mess all over the wall, I’m going to be honest, but it was like 3 feet above the urinal so I thought it wasn’t a huge deal. I regain composure, zip up and start washing my hands…..
I’m washing my hands, when I hear “WHO THE FUCK PEED ALL OVER THE WALL!?” Me, with my back turned to the world, as I wash my hands, assume it’s some guy joking because I obviously didn’t peed on the wall 13 feet in the air. So I jokingly raised my hand, and said “yeeeeeep, I peed alllllll over the wall!” (in a sarcastic drunk voice). Just then, Muscle Mcgee secrurity guard reaches over and smashes my beer into the garbage, and informs me “It’s time to go”. At this point I STLL think he’s joking because I mean come on, does he really think I used my 46 since inch vertical and THEN peed on the wall!?
I comply because in my drunk stooper, I assume for some reason he’s going to escort me out of the bathroom and say “Just kidding! I know you didn’t pee on on the roof! Thanks for coming in, always a pleasure to see you. Have you lost weight??” Turns out he didn’t say any of that. In fact, it finally occurred to me “OH shit, he’s not joking, I’m being kicked out”. This is at the point I’m being shoved through the dance floor with flash lights being shined in my face, to help guide me out. I try to explain to him the silly mix up of how it’s not pee, it’s beer, but it’s way too loud. I get outside, see the line queued up to get in, I try and plead my case one more time. The last thing I remembered yelling at him was “BUT…but… I’m the Designated Driver, you can’t kick me out!?” He didn’t even respond. He just stared. I was obviously drunk, obviously not the DD, and obviously defeated by the super genius bouncers at the door. I walked away laughing at the ridiculousness that just occurred, walked to a friends house where I called it a night.
And that’s how you get kicked out of Moondoggies for doing nothing. Well, almost thing.
p.s.
I er um actually need a date for a wedding this Saturday (April 4th) …..if that story about being kicked out of a bar didn’t deter you, please let me know. It’s Saturday night….Steve@SingleSteve.com OR if you know my real facebook or gmail….. But seriously, I need a date and I promise you a fun time.
Tired of missing new blogs when they come out? Have them sent to your email!
How Not to Get an Online Date
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 25, 2009
Online dating shenanigans continue. I’m 2 months away from Dr. Phil confirming the fact that I am incapable of finding “someone special” in the first 6 months of my match.com experience. What a dick. At least I’ll get 6 more embarrassing months for free? Fml. Fuck my “someone special”, I would settle for just a date at this point. I haven’t even been on one date, NOT ONE, in the last 4 months of paying 24.99 per month. Really? Apparently I’m Shrek. That’s fine. I mean I don’t pretend to be Johnny Handsom-pants, in fact I know I’m not. That’s why I’ve had to developed my other “attractiveness” characteristics. Like being funny….. and a ninja. Girls still find these attractive, right?
I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free online dating website, don’t worry, I haven’t been on any dates from there either. Maybe I’m just a bad online dater? Below is a hilarious example of an actual email chain I had with a girl from okcupid.com. It’s not typical of my communications of online dating, but I’m glad I did it.
Scenario:
I do my browsing (creep sweeps) of profiles of girls that meet my “match”, I do a quick visual analysis of the profile picture and from there I make the decision of whether or not I’m going to continue and open up her profile. If you’re thinking to yourself “that’s pretty shallow Steven…”, fuck your couch. You’d be lying if you thought physical attractiveness wasn’t initially important. No one says from across the bar “Man, that guy looks funny, I’m going to go talk to him”. No one.
Anyways, I do my shallow Hal analysis and then proceed to her profile. Below is a said example, girl is super hotness in thumbnail sized pic, so I proceed to her profile.
Below is a snap shot of the first part of her profile.
I blurred some of the words to make her look more like a jerk than she actually is. It helps me build a case empathy of my feelings towards her, stay with me. My analysis of her profile is she comes off as “tool cool for school”, if people even still say that. She’s attractive and is doing online dating, so she pretty much holds all the cards, unfortunately. She can be a jerk and still get guys winking at her. She must get a million emails from tool bags, starting with the words “Hey Sexy”, so I can understand her defensiveness of online dating tools.
I’m realistic, I realize my chances are probably about a 3 percent chance she’ll respond to any email I send, so I shoot her a short, concise, non serious, half joking, not expecting a response, email.
Yep. That just happened. Ha! I’m not sure what got into me. I’m never a jerk on online dating, not even when I get the “please stop winking at me” automated emails from match.com
Maybe I was just so surprised she responded? I mean she pretty much set herself up for that old “hope you get hit by a bus” gag. Needless to say we didn’t fall in love.
That’s how not to get a date from online dating.
Also it looks like according to the little voting thing I have on the left hand side of this blog that people want me to write about Craig’s list? Is this true? I have a couple hundred “hits” a day, but only 27 votes. Let me know what you jerks want. kisses.
The Most Important Single Steve blog You Will EVER Read. EVER.
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 19, 2009
There it is. I’ve officially back posted all of my old blogs from myspace to this blog. You know what that means!? That means new blogs, from me, to you. You might be wondering “Steven, why did you start a new blog anyways?” or “Why is your face covered up in pictures of you on this blog?” or maybe even “Why SingleSteve.com? Don’t you think it’s a little much?”
First of all, stop asking so many questions. It’s really fucking annoying. Secondly, I appreciate your inquisitive nature, it’s actually the reason I’ve brought you here. To The Most important Single Steve Blog You will EVER Read.
So here’s the thing, I like writing these blogs of ridiculousness as much as you enjoy reading them. I do. But the thing is, I need to separate Single Steve from Real Life Steve, if that make sense. Stay with me on this: Single Steve and Real Life Steve are the same person, but Real Life Steve can no longer be associated with Single Steve. It’s like that time you were hooking up with that fat chick, you would pretend not to know her in public in front of all your friends, but as soon as you got drunk and no one was around, you couldn’t wait to make love to one of her folds. It’s like that.
I mean, it’s not that I’m embarrassed of anything Single Steve does, or Single Steve does anything illegal, it’s just that, well let’s be honest, sometimes Single Steve can be kind of a jerk. Sometimes Single Steve likes to go out and drink until he wakes up with carne asada in his pockets, sometimes he likes to not hook up with girls from online dating, and sometimes to make himself feel better, he makes fun of losers on Craig’s List. Sometimes.
And then there’s this Real Life Steve, who has a great engineering job, is in school for his MBA, coaches a Special Olympics basketball team, is a big brother for big brother big sisters, is president of a 30k a year non profit organization here in San Diego, and a bunch of other yada yada’s. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but this Real Life Steve sounds like he’s got some good ish going.
So my goal is to disassociate this jackass Single Steve with Real Life Steve. When you do a google search on Real Life Steve, I want it to return responsible adult stuff, not about the time I punted my camera into the ocean in drunken excitement. And likewise when you google search for “online dating sucks single humor big wang” I want it to return everything ever written by Single Steve.
I’ve been having more and more of these occurrences where I realize there is a need for a separation of these two. An example:
I was in the work cafeteria checking out what they had going on for food that day, I saw they had corned beef. I saw a co-worker in line, actually I guess I don’t need to mention that she was a co-worker since we were at the work cafeteria, but I digress, I did my analysis of the corned beef situation and thought it was a little too Irish (yeah I’m a racist) for me. So I casually mention to my friend who’s in line to get some of this delicious Irish treat, “umm Looks a little sketchy, I think I’m going to pass.” Her response? “What!? You woke up with carne asada in your pockets, and you won’t even try corned beef!?” . Really!? At this point I’m trying play it off, be Mr. Cool Pants, like I have no idea what she’s talking about in such a LOUD tone at the WORK cafeteria, in case one of the bobs from management might of heard her comments. “psssh, who me? Carne asada in or around my pockets? That’s ridiculous”. Really Shannon Connell (yeah I’m calling her out)!? You’re going to hold the fact that I may or may not have woken up with chunks of meat in my pocket over my head because I don’t want to eat corned beef!? I mean, granted, Shannon and I are both peons at this company and it doesn’t really matter if she knows that Single Steve is actually Real Life Steve. But I would hate to be in a meeting with “The Bobs” from upper management and I just suggested this awesome engineering idea to them, but then they come back with “aren’t you that guy that got kicked out of Moondoggies for pee-ing dos equis 12 feet into the air, onto the bathroom wall? (that blogs to come, get excited)”. So yeah, I need to separate Real Life Steve from Single Steve.
This is actually a great thing for you, the readers. Since Single Steve is not associated with Real Life Steve, I won’t be as timid or hold back some of my funny jerkness. Subjects won’t be as taboo, I can write unrestricted not having to worry about whether or not Real Life Steve is losing street cred.
But you’re thinking, “I already know Real Life Steven, how can I not associated him with Single Steve?”. You’re an idiot. There I said it. I mean, good question. For a selected few, you will get the benefit of knowing both Steve’s. Just try not to F him over by announcing to everyone in the work cafeteria that he may or may not have tried to hook up with a run away homeless girl. Let’s just keep that between you and me.
I’m going to stop posting links (I think?) on my facebook for new blogs, so it’s now up to you jerks to check back frequently. You can do what other cyber nerds do and subscribe to the RSS feed, or this email thing.
ALSO, let’s be honest. I’m not doing this blog for any type of monetary gain. I’m doing this blog because I like writing funny ish and I like knowing that someone somewhere is laughing at something I’ve written. So tell your friends about this funny thing you read once on this guys website, and point them in this direction. I’ve seen facebook statuses, re-post on other people’s blog sites, yell it in a crowded room, I don’t care what it is, just tell your friends. I’m going to make a new page for the “My people” basically my way of high lighting readers who promote the blog. It’s your chance to get photoshopped with me on the moon, or might just make fun of you. Either way your face is going to be on a website, which is check by over 4 people a day, so it’s kind of a big deal.
Also if you have any friends with low self esteem who like hilarious Mexican engineers, send them my way. I’m just kidding. But seriously, if you know any girls like that, please let me know. Steve@singlesteve.com
I have a few blogs, I’m going to be posting soon. Just wanted to get the dust settled after I posted all of the old blogs. Thanks for reading!
Just Craigslist
Posted by Single Steve in humor on March 12, 2009
*I’m not a jerk. I just play one in these blogs.
Just Craig’s List.
No online dating shenanigans.
No hilarious story of why I’m single.
Just Craig’s List.
Girls, don’t date guys on Craigslist….
I don’t even know how to break this up since the jerk doesn’t use a single period. But I’m going try….
“late blooer looking 4 erly bloomer”
Nice title genius! I don’t understand. I don’t understand how he couldn’t take 2.3 seconds to read it and correct the spelling. I mean the words get underlined in red, RED, TELLING YOU something is wrong. The red DOES NOT mean “yes, rocket scientist, all the words all spelled correctly, please proceed with your posting”. I’m just saying.
“hay Grails , iam Edgar one of kind man”
Not sure why he starts out by calling everyone “Grails”, but I like how he capitalized it to show you just how serious he is about getting laid. That’s right ladies heis Edgar, spaces mean nothingtohim and they shouldn’t toyou.
“i mean that in real way lets just say that my bite is far less then my bark”
I think this means he has brain damage. And not the good kind
“iam looking for a personal lover /businessowner/420 not imported to me”
I understand that your looking for a personal lover. Okay fine. Where you lost me was at the point where you don’t care is she’s a business owner or is 420 friendly….What!? I get 420 stuff, but a owning your own business!? For all you ladies out there that might be interested but don’t own your own business, don’t worry! He doesn’t care!! Personally, I only date girls that have their own businesses. I guess my standards are a little higher than most…..what!? Really??
“more 4 me /beyond that i love to cook , no lets just say that i will due the cooking , u must like to go running ok , i run late in to the nite and every chance i get, beside that i like it quite iam a alpha male self made”
Ugh. If this guy get’s laid, I’m going gay.
I have a few more, but I’ll leave some more for another day.
Recent Comments