whats the rush

What’s the Rush?

Hello. Welcome. Have a seat. So, as I type this, and you are now reading this, I am sitting in my living room, work clothes have been removed, there’s a delicious looking and heavenly smelling, California burrito next to my laptop, and Modern Family is playing in the background. Now you may think, this is my typical Wednesday after work routine, and you would be mostly right. I think this scenario is fairly typical minus the California burrito. Oh, and there’s nachos. I forgot to mention there’s nachos. So yeah there’s a California burrito and a full plate of nachos. And there’s a Slurpee. And that’s it. Burrito, nachos and a blue (because that’s a flavor) Slurpee. Yes. You are correct. Yes, I am eating my feelings. No. No, I didn’t realize it until I got home and had to move things off my desk area, just to make room for my 4000 calorie dinner.

i-dont-always-eat-my-feelings-but-when-i-do-i-eat-them-all

 

Why I am doing this? That’s a great question, ,because today was supposed to be the day. Today was supposed to be my first “1st Date” in months. MONTHS. I’m talking 6 plus months. And whatever whatever, she canceled because work. Which seems legit, and that’s fine, that’s not what this blog is about.

*UPDATE: So her work excuse is seeming less and less legit….she canceled 3 days ago, and hasn’t responded to my text messages since….LOLOLOLOLOL…LOL…sigh. But let’s continue on…

This blog is about me sharing my disappointment with some friends that the date did not happen, and there response of:

“WHAT’S THE RUSH?

I hate when I’m telling someone about my dating woes, and how I feel like I’m “never going to meet anyone, wha wha wha”, and they respond with “What’s the rush, you’re only 31. You can have kids until you’re 50”. I FUCKING KNOW. I FUCKING KNOW HOW MEDICAL SCIENCE WORKS. THANK YOU BILL NYE THE FUCKING SCIENCE GUY.

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Sorry for the all caps, but that’s how intense I feel about it. Please, please, do not and try and explain why it’s okay that I’m not dating anyone, or don’t have any prospects, because medical science says, I can have children all the way up until I’m 50. First of all, you’re wrong, google it clown, after about 40 years old there is a significant decrease in my ability to have children, and an significant increase in health risk during the pregnancy of that child. Google that shit.

And just because medical science says I CAN wait until I’m 40 to reproduce, that doesn’t mean I SHOULD wait until I’m 40. It’s like saying, you can drink two cups of cat blood and not die, so we should all go out and drink 2 cups of cat blood, just because science says we can. Wow, that was a really dark analogy. Not my best. Sorry. But you get the point.
And believe it or not, this isn’t even about my ability to have kids.

It’s about dispelling the belief that just because I want to be in a monogamous relationship, that is preferably with the person I am going to marry, sooner than later, doesn’t mean I’m in a rush. It just means I’m tired of wasting time. What do I mean wasting my time? I mean, I want to be doing fun, amazing, remember-able, adventures, activities and travels with my forever person. Even if I’m not married to that forever person yet. And yes, I can do all those things now, and do those things now. But, and I think you will all agree, that there are just some things you would prefer to do with a companion that you are dating, someone you care about. For example, I have a Groupon addiction. I buy up Groupons like it’s my job. More specifically groupons that are fun and different “date like activities”. I am currently the owner of a pasta making class, a painting and wine class and sunset dinner cruise. I bought them with the optimism and over romanticized idea that these would be super cute date ideas. Yeah, I’m a 31 year old heterosexual male and just said the words “super cute date ideas”. And look, I don’t buy Groupons because I’m “cheap”, Groupon is just a great enabler and an excuse to do these fun things. I’m not going to pull out a coupon at dinner on our dates, promise. But I will suggest we go to this fun pasta making class because it looks like fun and it was too cheap not to buy.

Sure I could do these things with a friend, and it would be fun. But I would rather do it with someone I “care” about, which completely changes the experience of these things. At least, I think it does? Maybe I live in a shitty romantic comedy and this isn’t real life. But in my experience I enjoy doing date like things with someone I am dating. AND how awesome would it be to look back with my wife in 10 years and remember the time I undercooked our pasta at the pasta making class and I had diarrhea for 3 days.  Well, again, bad example, but the idea is I want to start creating memories with my forever person. It doesn’t mean I’m in a rush, it just means I’m ready for it happen.

AND people are always saying shit like “Oh, you’re still young, you’re only 31, you’ve got plenty of time”. I mean, I guess. But I don’t really have “that” much time. Let’s do some math.

Let’s pretend for arguments sake my end goal in life, is to have a child with my wife. Let’s pretend.

I’m going to walk you through reasonable timeline for dating, length of engagement and pregnancy.

timeline

Side note: Maybe that’s why I’m single, I make infographics to explain my feelings.

1.) Let’s say I meet the person of my dreams, the person I am going to marry Today.

2.) So, minimum, we date for a year before I propose. I’m now 32.

3.) It takes time to plan a wedding, most people are engaged for 13-18 months  (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/average-engagement-length_n_2411353.html), I’m going to say it takes a year for arguments sake. I’m now 33 and married. Boom.

4.) Let’s say I knock her up ON the wedding day, 10 months later my first child comes out. I’m now 34.

Which is fine, but that’s IF I met her today and IF all of the shortest REASONABLE time estimates are used for dating, engagement, and pregnancy. But since I currently don’t see anyone else in my living room as I write this blog, I’ll guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.
And look, I know a lot of you internet clowns are going to be like “But Steven, me and my now ex-husband got engaged only after dating for 6 weeks” or  “But Steven, I planned my wedding for 32 people and which took place at Chuckie Cheese, in only 6 weeks” or “But Steven, I got knocked up during a game of just the tip after only dating for 6 weeks”. YES, it is possible to condense my timeline. Absolutely. But that’s why I said this is a REASONABLE timeline. In reality, the time you date is typical longer, the time you take to plan an engagement is longer and people usually wait longer than the first day of getting married to have children.

I guess in summary, there is nothing you could possible say to convince me that I shouldn’t want to be in a serious relationship as soon as possible. The “What’s the rush”, “You’re still young”, and “Medical science has come so far!” logic and reasoning won’t work on me.

I’m 31. And I know what I’m looking for and I’m ready to find it.

Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way? That feels like “it’s time” I meet my forever person. Everyone always tries to convince me otherwise. Your thoughts? And comments and go:


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Comments
  • briony June 20, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    Single Steve,

    a.) how did you get lucky enough to be home from work with your 4000 calorie dinner at 3pm? I want your job.
    b.) your timeline is absolutely accurate. Imagine being a 34 year old single female with people telling you that your nether regions will stop functioning at 35…yup, I get none of the “there’s no rush” over here!
    c.) you’re hilarious…i may have a few dating stories that top all dating stories.
    d.) you’re never going to be able to pronounce my name, so stop trying!

    • briony June 20, 2014 at 10:22 pm

      PS. I live in San Marcos…we should exchange horrifying experiences while drinking heavily and exchanging handkerchiefs and tears. And yes, though auto correct doesn’t know what hankerchiefs are, they are still totally relevant and helpful whilst sobbing in public.

      • Single Steve June 21, 2014 at 2:25 am

        I think drinks and sobbing gently into hankerchiefs sounds like a great idea!

        • Briony July 7, 2014 at 8:56 pm

          Single Steve, I apologize for my absence. I have, in fact, been helping 1.5 of my friends become unsingle. That is, get married. I say 1.5 because 1 actually got married on June 22 and the other is getting married in September but all of the girly pre-wedding events are well underway. While I love celebrating my friends’ relationships, after watching the wedding planning/stress/party/family, I think that I would rather slowly die a torturous death than plan an event like that! In any case. I’ll message you on your FB page to plan a handkerchief-inspired outing involving alcohol or lemonade.

  • Diana June 20, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    Ok, Single Steve…you’ve heard from those who say you can ‘start’ a family at 50…but what about hearing from someone who DIDN’T wait until 50 to start a family?! Take it from someone who is ALMOST 50 and whose youngest is ALMOST 18. For the last 25 years, I was young enough, energetic enough and healthy enough to be THERE and PRESENT in my children’s lives and now as they are setting off on their own journeys….I can now take time for MYSELF and enjoy doing the things i have wanted to do for ME. Still young enough to enjoy them and do them at MY pace AND when my children start to have kids of their own, I will still be around to be PRESENT in my grand children’s lives (God willing). That is the problem with many of today’s young adults….they actually believe that can HAVE IT ALL in a ‘ME ME ME’ world. It really just doesn’t work that way because we don’t live forever. SOMETHING has to give….SOMEONE will end up paying for the ‘ME ME ME’ generational mentality …. and that will be TWO generations … the kids whose parents are getting too old to do the sort of things they could have done with and for their kids IF they had them when they were younger AND their grandchildren who will grow up without grandparents. Even though I believe in freedom of choice, my kids say that they plan on doing things the same way that I didf. Eventhough my daughter is at the beginning of building her career, she knows that having children while she is young has FAR MORE ADVANTAGES for EVERYONE, than waiting to start her family so she can put herself first. So don’t be dis-swayed by the ME ME ME generation..you are RIGHT in your way of thinking and you are NOT the only one who thinks this way. UNFORTUNATELY, you are in a minority…which means you are just going to have to dig in and do all that you can to find your ‘forever girl’. AND be PROUD to be a Groupon Groupie :D. Besides, if ‘the one’ isn’t one herself, she will probably quickly become one b/c it’s important to you and like you, she see the ‘bigger picture’ that goes far beyond ‘me me me’. So, indulge in your 4000 calorie artery clogging feast…and tomorrow, be prepared to get back out there and find your 4EVER GIRL and don’t give up looking or trying until you find her! Anything that is worthwhile isn’t something that comes quick or easy….but is certainly worth it. Best of luck to you,Steve!

  • Aracely S June 21, 2014 at 4:29 am

    For starters I am sorry your date canceled on you. I could see why you would eat your feelings. The burrito, nachos, and blue slurpee sound yummy. I could use that after the day I have had. Your blog actually brought a smile to my face. Some thing that seems so foreign to me lately. I just feel bad that it was at your expense. It sucks that your friends think you are rushing yourself, but it is only their opinion. If you say you are ready to make undercooked pasta with someone you care about then you are ready. I just hope you can find a lady to stomach the undercooked pasta with you. ‘Your cute date ideas’ are fabulous and I am sure you will find someone to enjoy them with, sooner rather then later. Maybe I will to. I can’t even manage to keep a date with a guy via Skype. Maybe you are doing a little better then most (and by most I mean me.) At least your date was going to be face to face. Don’t feel to down. You seem witty and sweet. I am sure you will get another date. Besides who could resist your diagrams. I know I couldn’t. Have you tried speed dating or maybe considered joining a cooking or dance class for singles?

  • Laura June 21, 2014 at 5:25 am

    I’m with Steve. Thanks for standing up and saying it loud and proud!

  • Tamitha June 21, 2014 at 8:51 am

    YES! Seriously, take your calculations and lets add further, me- Im 30. By your calculations Id be 33, but I also want to experience my future kids with my future husband. By the time the 1st child is 18, Im 51, not bad. But then the 2nd or 3rd kid, Ill have 2 or 3… Im only getting older. Ok, graduation awesome but then they dont marry until they are also around 30 (hopefully not), so Im around 63, still doing ok but slowing down. My grand kids finally come and Im what 66… in my family everything medically goes wrong 65-75… end calculations… how much time do I really have to meet my forever, and truly enjoy ALL life has to offer in great physical condition. If Im lucky Ill take after my dads side, but first is hoping Im lucky and I meet my forever tomorrow. Psh.
    Honestly, everytime someone has said “You have time. ” “You’re young.” I’ve asked “How old were you when you got married?” About 85-90% were between 24-28yrs old. Great advice coming from someone who didnt have to wait that long for their forever. I will say, the ones who got married later in life “weren’t looking”, lucky them… now if I could get myself to stop looking I just might find him.. huh.

  • Pete June 22, 2014 at 5:30 am

    Steve, I agree with you 100% and most of your post seem to match my same attitude with dating. I hate when people tell me “stop searching and they will come to you in time”. I hate that saying, to me it’s almost the cop out answer to help me feel better. “Like there’s plenty of fish in the sea” Like you I have and am currently searching on 2-3 dating sites and still no luck!

  • Shane June 25, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    I love that you created an infographic – and that it’s of better quality than most crappy infographics I see out there. Awesome.
    PS – Who’s that Briony girl? She sounds like she totally wants a piece of the Steve.

  • John June 27, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    I love the infograph too Steve! Keep up the good work with these posts and visualizations!
    Btw, I share in many of your frustrations and it is good to know I’m not alone with a lot of this stuff. Best of luck in your search for your forever person/companion.

  • Maria H. July 5, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    This is exactly how I feel & the “advice” from friends makes me insane. Well said, sir. I generally eat my feelings in cheetos, however the burrito/nacho combo sounds AMAZING.

  • Elana July 8, 2014 at 4:20 am

    I’m sorry your date cancelled on you. That sucks. Being female and 29, and about to start nursing school I go over this same timeline in my head every all the time. My timeline is assuming that my boyfriend of right now (whom is awesome and may be the one…) decides to stick around, marry and procreate with me, I am looking at 33-35 in the kid department also. Now don’t even get me thinking about if it doesn’t work out and the next 22 months of hell that won’t allow for dating and well, I feel ya man. I feel ya. I wish everyone would stfu and stop telling us to not worry about it. Ive known I wanted kids since I was a kid and I would have been perfectly happy for it to happen 10 years ago, but it didn’t and I want it to. So yeah, there is my little rant. there is someone out there for ya Steven, I know it!

  • Claire July 11, 2014 at 1:56 am

    Love your work Steve. I’m married with kids and can’t remember how I even came across this blog but it doesn’t matter- you make me laugh. You seem like a really great guy, I admire your romantic qualities-It’s a rarity (perhaps the women are afraid because you are a genuinely nice guy and that requires them to be genuinely nice girls?). I was lucky enough to nab a romantic but it wasn’t without a fair share of disappointment and pain. Good luck to you and I hope the emotions tasted excellent: )

  • Trevor July 22, 2014 at 2:39 am

    Women love an unavailable douchebag. Decent guys who want a monogamous relationship are out of luck, because each hot douchebag is rotating 10 women in his harem. Each one of the women in his harem thinks she’s the one who will change him and make him settle down with her, because basically under that cold, unavailable exterior is a man with a heart of gold who only needs the right woman to show him the way. That’s why you’re sitting alone with your burrito my friend, and I just finished my P90X workout wondering why I bother while I get ready to settle into an evening of video gaming to take my mind off the loneliness.

  • […] Remember a few blogs ago when the first date I was supposed to go on in months canceled on me and I came home and ate a California burrito and nachos and a blue slurpee and my feelings? If not, refresh yo self What’s the Rush? […]

  • […] I know, I know, “But Steven, 31 is still young, you have plenty of time to find somebody” – you in a very adult condescending voice. Watch your tone when you’re talking to me. I know. I get it. But I also want to get married, and have kids before I’m “too old”. I don’t know what “too old” is, but it’s has something to do with playing catch with my kid in my back yard. I actually did a timeline of what’s the rush: http://www.singlesteve.com/whats-rush/ […]

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